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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Move to bigger house or stay near DD's friend

67 replies

SadWench · 02/05/2024 15:56

We live in a nice house which we like and are so lucky that we have great neighbours who we all really like in a lovely cul de sac. Our DD5 has two close friends who live on the same street and we get along really well with their parents. The children play out together most days.

Our house is a bit small for us though - DH needs a home office, we need a spare room for visiting family and we would like to move about 2 miles away to be closer to the town centre.

The main thing keeping us where we are is our neighbours and community and I'm worried DD would hate to leave where we are now as she loves it. The upsides to moving would be more space and as DD gets older she could walk to things which she couldn't now. A few of her school friends live in the town so there would be people around as she got older but not that "open your front door and play with the neighbours" situation.

AIBU to consider moving in these circumstances?

OP posts:
Youcannotbeseriousreally · 02/05/2024 22:30

WomenLookingAtMenLookingAtWomen · 02/05/2024 16:24

You would be completely mad not to move house when you need to because of your five-year-old's current friendships, which may have changed by next week.

This!! Honestly I can’t imagine a situation where the entire universe would revolve around the friendships of a 5 year old!

CherryBlossom321 · 02/05/2024 22:35

We did this in a very similar situation 7 years ago. We have enjoyed the extra living space but we really, really missed the community. Still do now sometimes. And DD, now 15, still resents it.

CatherinedeBourgh · 02/05/2024 22:35

A bigger house might actually feel smaller with a 5yo cooped up inside it all the time though.

This reminds me of a friend who was very despondent when her dds asked if they could move to a new build estate like their friends lived in - she lived in a pile in the country, worth several times what a house in the estate would be.

Userxyd · 02/05/2024 22:36

NorthernMouse · 02/05/2024 19:12

I wouldn’t move until she’s older.

Being able to play out with friends in a safe community is priceless.

We lived in a close where all the children played out. We were great friends with some of the parents. The first summer we lived there my 4 year old DS, who was a bit on the chubby side, slimed right down. If you watch children running around playing (for hours) they are getting so much exercise. And friendships. Instead of sitting inside on devices. All of this is even more important to an only.

I’d stay for 3 or 4 more years for that reason alone. Family can stay in a hotel. Garden office for your DH?

It’s not about staying for a 5 year old’s friends, it’s staying to give her the really rare (nowadays) lifestyle of playing out and being part of a wider family community.

This. I think you'd miss it too. All of your relationships will evolve as the kids get older and more independent, which might make you value that close safe environment all the more.

Your DD will need you and your DH to play with her far more if she doesn't have friends on tap, or else she'll be playing alone/on screen or you'll be driving to pick up/drop off play dates.

You would miss this lifestyle so much!!

We need more space too but we're far more cramped and still I'm loathe to leave our lovely road - it really makes so much difference and for your DD it's her whole life.

I think she'd be devastated - what would you gain compared to what she'd lose?

NorthernMouse · 02/05/2024 22:49

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 02/05/2024 22:23

@NorthernMouse do you not think it's probable that a house a couple of miles away might also have a community round it like this?

No I think it’s rare, both in having the safe space, being able to supervise them playing easily, and having the ‘culture’ of playing out.

We lived in a close of 30 houses and nearly all the kids played out. All the time. And they only had the road to play in. No other parents I know (and who lived elsewhere) had their kids playing out. Now we live on an estate of 300 houses, with a big green and play equipment. Loads of kids live here. Occasionally I’ll see one child mooching on a swing, or even more occasionally a couple of siblings, but that’s all.

Doingmybest12 · 02/05/2024 23:00

It's not really your daughters friends , it's the sense of community and you love your home. Not sure why it's been spun to be about your daughters friends as obviously she'd adapt pretty quickly. You need to make your adult decision about what's best for your family, how much do you need a home office and do you really need to be thinking about 9 years hence now.

redfacebigdisgrace · 02/05/2024 23:17

It sounds lovely. I would stay put for now.

sunshine237 · 03/05/2024 04:18

NorthernMouse · 02/05/2024 19:12

I wouldn’t move until she’s older.

Being able to play out with friends in a safe community is priceless.

We lived in a close where all the children played out. We were great friends with some of the parents. The first summer we lived there my 4 year old DS, who was a bit on the chubby side, slimed right down. If you watch children running around playing (for hours) they are getting so much exercise. And friendships. Instead of sitting inside on devices. All of this is even more important to an only.

I’d stay for 3 or 4 more years for that reason alone. Family can stay in a hotel. Garden office for your DH?

It’s not about staying for a 5 year old’s friends, it’s staying to give her the really rare (nowadays) lifestyle of playing out and being part of a wider family community.

I agree with this. I'd stay put for now.

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 03/05/2024 06:06

I'd stay and move in a few years.

GreyCarpet · 03/05/2024 06:26

WomenLookingAtMenLookingAtWomen · 02/05/2024 16:24

You would be completely mad not to move house when you need to because of your five-year-old's current friendships, which may have changed by next week.

This.

Imagine that they were in your position. Do you really think they'd stay in a house that didn't meet their needs because of you and your daughter?

qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty · 03/05/2024 06:29

The community sounds really important to you, I think that's a good priority.

Other people might choose a bigger house, it doesn't make a choice to stay for the community wrong.

Nappyvalley15 · 03/05/2024 06:49

Sounds lovely. I would stay for now.

PieFaces · 03/05/2024 06:50

Move in a few years when she’s seven or eight?

DisforDarkChocolate · 03/05/2024 06:54

I'd never move for a guest room.

Is their no option for a garden office?

Chillilounger · 03/05/2024 06:56

What's best for secondary schools?

greengreyblue · 03/05/2024 06:57

I do wonder why people are happy to pay higher mortgage payments for the of occasion people come to stay. Accommodation is their worry. Tent in the garden for one night? Blow up bed on living room floor is fine for occasional guests, you are not responsible for providing rooms.

Original poster
SadWench · 03/05/2024 07:00

Thank you this has confirmed what my gut was telling me about the community. It's as important to me and DH (.even though I don't think he realises) as it is to DD.

To those with slightly older DC do you think the playing out culture changes as they get older and when? There are only a few other children where we are now so I was thinking maybe once DD is 9/10ish a move to the town would be better and then she would be getting to the age where she can walk to the park with local friends maybe as there would be some of her school friends within walking distance.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadWench · 03/05/2024 07:01

Schools are all in the town so at the moment we drive there but if we moved in we could walk. This makes me think that once DD is older she would have a better social life and be more connected in the town.

OP posts:
SeasickAccountant · 03/05/2024 07:02

I'm the parent of an only child and I can tell you that living in a complex with children made the single biggest difference to our quality of life. I would choose it any day over more space. You can move later when children are busier and more mobile. But at this age and stage - I can't think of anything that beats a built-in peer group. It's as much a godsend for you as for your DD - you will have to help her find ways to fill that time.

Nanneries · 03/05/2024 07:06

I would stay where you are at least for another 3-4 years. You cannot put a price on the opportunity for smaller children the freedom to play out on their street.
As others have said, this is something I had as a child and it’s so sad my children have not had this opportunity. We live close to the primary school, and the village park is about 100m away (not in view though) but there was still never this community of just playing out and they’d always have to be taken to the park, and meeting up with friends had to be done by me messaging the parent rather than then just knocking in their friends doors to see if they can play.
When your daughter is approaching secondary, then it might be more important to her to be able to walk into town or other places or whatever, but now, and hopefully for a few more years, having that freedom on her street is extremely valuable.
Think of what you’ll save in moving costs and try squeeze in a garden office or something to tide you over?

Catopia · 03/05/2024 07:13

The principle question should be about (1) schools and (2) the lifestyle you want her to have as an older child.

What is the public transport system between where you are and town like? How big/safe is the town and how old would you be happy for her to be there unsupervised with 1 or 2 friends? I understand what you mean about lifestyle as a teenager, but as child and as a teenager a lot of my life was spent playing out in the cul de sac where we lived. We could walk and get a bus into the city if we wanted to go to the shops or cinema as teenagers, and that sort of made it more of a day out/adventure. At a younger age we could walk into the village to go to the newsagents to get sweets/magazines. However, we mainly sat in trees and chatted, played on bikes, roller bladed, making dens in our gardens; I'd have been devastated and would have missed out on a lot from those friendships and that outdoor lifestyle if we had moved - we went to different schools and were a fairly wide span of ages because of older/younger siblings from the core of us in the middle who were a similar age, so they were different friends to those I saw at school.

Whilst the posters above are right that a 5yo's existing friendship shouldn't dictate the situation entirely, the lifestyle you would prefer for her to have from the ages of 8-14 might. She is also presumably still in her first year or two of school.

If the size of the house is going to be determinative, I would personally wait until at least she finishes infant school if a house move would involve a school move, so that she can get established in one school's full KS1 curriculum rather than jumping around between schools.

shockeditellyou · 03/05/2024 07:32

We moved from a street with a built in peer group to only round the corner and I am so glad we didn’t move until DCs were old enough to call round for friends themselves (9-11 yrs). Having a traffic free street and four or five kids the same age was priceless - it meant our children could play out much earlier, and have more independence, as the local street was so much safer.

ThePoshUns · 03/05/2024 07:36

I'd move, you can't make decisions on where you live based on your 5 year old's friends.

greengreyblue · 03/05/2024 07:43

Yeah you can.

AnOldCynic · 03/05/2024 07:46

I'd stay put for now. Moving when they are slightly older and more independent will make it so much easier. They'll be walking to school on their own when they are 9/10 for example. Our neighbourhood sounds like yours, and whilst my DC is now a teen and doesn't play out or even socialise with the couple of kids he used to hang out with, I still benefit from the friendships enormously.