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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let partner live with me rent free…?

38 replies

midlifesomething · 02/05/2024 00:19

Just that really. He is not working right now as he lost his job. Although not his fault he is not likely to be back working in his usual field for a few months.
its not through illness, he’s perfectly healthy.
I would struggle keeping us both, the house is mine and all bills my responsibility but he is not able to contribute anything to the bills so he’s gone back to parents. But he is now 30 miles away and I work full time we are only seeing each other at weekends.
It’s hard and I feel bad, but something about not taking any job at all in the meantime, just to contribute a little, does not sit well with me.

OP posts:
ToxicChristmas · 02/05/2024 00:22

YANBU at all.

SapphOhNo · 02/05/2024 00:25

YANBU obviously you can still see him and have time together at yours, sleepovers etc but maintain a healthy boundary and only move in together when ready and he can pay his way.

Maybethisyearornext · 02/05/2024 00:25

yanbu

pinkdelight · 02/05/2024 00:26

Course yanbu. It's not a good way to start off living together. Heed that feeling and stick to your guns. He can get another job and pay his way. You aren't his keeper.

PaminaMozart · 02/05/2024 00:27

I'm with you on this. You don't want a cocklodger. And his attitude to (not) taking on work that isn't suitable, doesn't meet his needs or ambitions, is beneath him, et cetera will tell you a lot about whether he is or isn't a good long-term prospect.

FetchezLaVache · 02/05/2024 00:28

YANBU, unless he has asked/hinted to live with you and not contribute as he feels he is above doing a min wage job to tide him over, in which case YABincrediblyU not to get rid of him forthwith.

It sounds like your gut has identified a red flag - perhaps he has some kind of form for leaning on you a little financially? If so, ignore at your peril.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 02/05/2024 00:34

YANBU It's great you've seen the situation clearly preventing him possibly taking advantage of you.
30 miles isn't too far.. He'll have to make more effort

Original poster
midlifesomething · 02/05/2024 00:36

Thank you for reinforcing what I kinda was already thinking. My friends have been saying YANBU, but of course friends have your back.
We were heading towards living together before this bump in the road. He said he doesn’t want to sponge off me so went back to his parents willingly. It does feel like a red flag for the future. Which is a bit heartbreaking.

OP posts:
Catsmere · 02/05/2024 00:38

If he's prepared to sponge off you, living rent-free (is he on whatever unemployment benefit is in Britain?) rather than getting any sort of fill-in job, then he's not what I'd call a partner.

Catza · 02/05/2024 06:36

midlifesomething · 02/05/2024 00:36

Thank you for reinforcing what I kinda was already thinking. My friends have been saying YANBU, but of course friends have your back.
We were heading towards living together before this bump in the road. He said he doesn’t want to sponge off me so went back to his parents willingly. It does feel like a red flag for the future. Which is a bit heartbreaking.

Confused about which bit is a red flag? Him willingly going to his parents because he doesn’t want to sponge on you? I’d take it as a massively green flag, actually.
Him not looking for a menial job in the meantime? Well, he doesn’t have a responsibility for a family at this point and has an option of staying with parents. And he doesn’t actually live with you so no responsibilities to you just yet. In these circumstances it is perfectly acceptable to focus on looking for the right type of job if it is only a matter of weeks.

Peonies12 · 02/05/2024 06:39

If he is in position to focus on finding a job in his expertise (which it sounds like he is) that’s fair enough, rather than taking any job. Job hunting is time consuming. It’s not like he had kids/a mortgage etc, in which case he should take any job.
Do you own your house? If you do I’d be very careful if he does move in, discuss whether you want him to contribute only to bills, as if he’s paying to your mortgage it can be complicated

Dontsparethehorses · 02/05/2024 06:42

If it wasn’t his fault would he be given redundancy pay to cover the gap? Or use job seekers allowance to be able to put towards his rent if he was living with you? He has options but he’s choosing to not work and stay with his parents

CarpetSlipper · 02/05/2024 06:45

He said he didn’t want to “sponge” off you and presumably his parents are happy to support him. I’m assuming he’s early twenties by the way, much older and I’d find it a bit odd to move back in with parents.

I don’t think this is necessarily a “red flag” but if he wanted to live with you, he could have looked for a job.

Onetiredbeing · 02/05/2024 06:47

Yanbu and well done to being one of the sensible ones who makes good decisions. You're right, any job to contribute is a good boundary to have. Thinking further and if you had kids, would he step up or let you carry the load. These situations are good indicators of what you can expect/ predict about someone.

araiwa · 02/05/2024 06:48

You won't allow him to do something that he hasn't even suggested? In fact he has already sorted himself out in another way

So I've no idea what you're on about

Onetiredbeing · 02/05/2024 06:48

Dontsparethehorses · 02/05/2024 06:42

If it wasn’t his fault would he be given redundancy pay to cover the gap? Or use job seekers allowance to be able to put towards his rent if he was living with you? He has options but he’s choosing to not work and stay with his parents

Exactly, not sponging off op and making it seem like he's so considerate but sponging off his parents. Good that op has stood by her boundaries

GreatGateauxsby · 02/05/2024 06:50

Hello Dolly Cocklodger!!
It’s a no from me.

I think it’s a poor life choice to invite an able bodied people with no visible means of supporting himself to move into your home for an unspecified period of time.

why does he have no savings?
where did his redundancy go?
why is he not working some job/any job in the interim?

in a year when he has sorted himself and is in a good place you can think about cohabiting.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 02/05/2024 06:51

Im struggling to see any red flags here aswell...he has gone to his parents and has said he doesn't want to sponge off you so whats the problem?

sonjadog · 02/05/2024 06:53

What is the red flag? He has taken himself back to his parents so as not to sponge off you. That is a good thing. If he is financially ok, then waiting a few months for a job isn’t a terrible choice. If he is still sitting around doing nothing six months from now, then he needs to look at different jobs, yes. I think you are seeking red flaggs where there are none.

Eddielizzard · 02/05/2024 06:58

Think you're jumping the gun a bit? Or has he been hinting?

Original poster
midlifesomething · 02/05/2024 07:37

araiwa · 02/05/2024 06:48

You won't allow him to do something that he hasn't even suggested? In fact he has already sorted himself out in another way

So I've no idea what you're on about

Not to worry, the others who have commented did get what I was on about and have given really useful replies. 💜

OP posts:
Original poster
midlifesomething · 02/05/2024 07:49

Thank you. Some different perspectives this morning, which does help me look at the situation in a different light.

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 02/05/2024 08:02

Manbaby needs to grow up, he doesn't want to sponge off you but he's happy to sponge off his parents? I'd have much more respect for him if applied for any jobs to tide him over until he gets something more suited.

Is he paying his way when you see each other at the weekends?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/05/2024 09:57

midlifesomething · 02/05/2024 00:36

Thank you for reinforcing what I kinda was already thinking. My friends have been saying YANBU, but of course friends have your back.
We were heading towards living together before this bump in the road. He said he doesn’t want to sponge off me so went back to his parents willingly. It does feel like a red flag for the future. Which is a bit heartbreaking.

I think it's not a red flag that he's gone to parents and isn't pressuring you. It would be a red flag if he was guilt tripping you.

I let my ex move in in a similar circumstance and it was an awful dynamic - him sleeping in till 11 while I got up to work and then him complaining if I asked him to do any simple household admin thing like pick up my car from it's MOT (the car he had full use of but I paid all expenses for) he would moan or expect adoring thanks and praise. Him feeling nagged when I asked him about his job hunting (or lack of). Him playing any kind of video game repulsed me. Him not doing any chores etc. yuck.

You are doing the right thing.

Coconutter24 · 02/05/2024 13:59

I mean this in the nicest possible way but it sounds like a you problem, you can’t see him as often as you like cos you work full time and he’s 30 miles away. You say you were planning to move in together until he lost his job which obviously changes/delays plans for you. You mention a red flag but the info you’ve given doesn’t suggest that at all. He said he doesn’t want to sponge of you so has willingly taken himself back to parents. How old is he? If his parents are ok with it and prepared to help that’s between them and their son. Doesn’t sound like he’s asking anything of you so I’m not sure what the issue is?