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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let partner live with me rent free…?

38 replies

midlifesomething · 02/05/2024 00:19

Just that really. He is not working right now as he lost his job. Although not his fault he is not likely to be back working in his usual field for a few months.
its not through illness, he’s perfectly healthy.
I would struggle keeping us both, the house is mine and all bills my responsibility but he is not able to contribute anything to the bills so he’s gone back to parents. But he is now 30 miles away and I work full time we are only seeing each other at weekends.
It’s hard and I feel bad, but something about not taking any job at all in the meantime, just to contribute a little, does not sit well with me.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 02/05/2024 14:05

What's the red flag?

He's gone to his parents while he looks for a job

Original poster
midlifesomething · 02/05/2024 18:15

Coconutter24 · 02/05/2024 13:59

I mean this in the nicest possible way but it sounds like a you problem, you can’t see him as often as you like cos you work full time and he’s 30 miles away. You say you were planning to move in together until he lost his job which obviously changes/delays plans for you. You mention a red flag but the info you’ve given doesn’t suggest that at all. He said he doesn’t want to sponge of you so has willingly taken himself back to parents. How old is he? If his parents are ok with it and prepared to help that’s between them and their son. Doesn’t sound like he’s asking anything of you so I’m not sure what the issue is?

Thanks, friends say he could be taking advantage so my purpose of asking here is to gain unbiased opinion, based on just the facts and removing added emotional detail. All the answers have been really helpful including yours. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
midlifesomething · 02/05/2024 18:18

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/05/2024 14:05

What's the red flag?

He's gone to his parents while he looks for a job

2 choices, stay with me and take any job til the right one comes along or see me less and stay with parents - some see a red flag, some a green and some no flag at all.
every response helps. Thanks

OP posts:
OnlyFannys · 02/05/2024 18:21

Sorry if I missed it but how long have you been together? I would personally find this relevant to understand how well established you are and how long you have been living together. I think if you are partners part of that is supporting each other through the rough times, I have and would again support my partner in these circumstances (but only if I could afford it which it sounds like you cant) and I would hope he would do the same for me

Coconutter24 · 02/05/2024 18:24

midlifesomething · 02/05/2024 18:15

Thanks, friends say he could be taking advantage so my purpose of asking here is to gain unbiased opinion, based on just the facts and removing added emotional detail. All the answers have been really helpful including yours. Thanks

Show quote history

Have you given your friends more information than you have put on here? If they have the same info I don’t see how they can think he’s taking advantage of you. If he was living with you rent free and no plans to find a job then of course yes I’d agree but he is living elsewhere to not take advantage of you. If you’re working full time can he travel to you after work to see you to take the pressure off you?

Meadowfinch · 02/05/2024 18:35

Your approach (and his) is very sensible.

He is not homeless but living with his parents and you not seeing him during the week, may well focus his mind on finding a new job.

It also makes it clear to him that you are not a pushover, he needs to be responsible for himself as an adult, and that partnership means just that, both contributing equally in some way.

Just be prepared to manage on your own if the same should happen to you.

Original poster
midlifesomething · 02/05/2024 18:48

OnlyFannys · 02/05/2024 18:21

Sorry if I missed it but how long have you been together? I would personally find this relevant to understand how well established you are and how long you have been living together. I think if you are partners part of that is supporting each other through the rough times, I have and would again support my partner in these circumstances (but only if I could afford it which it sounds like you cant) and I would hope he would do the same for me

Yes I have thought the same. I know 100% if it was other way round there would be total support from him. Which makes me feel bad - however I would and have taken any job to get me through and don’t have anywhere to go back to if times were hard so would have to take any job offered to me.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 02/05/2024 18:52

No point taking any job at the moment or else he will leave them in the lurch when the right job comes

Why will it take a couple of months to find the job in his field

thing47 · 02/05/2024 19:07

I would and have taken any job to get me through and don’t have anywhere to go back to if times were hard so would have to take any job offered to me.

But he does have somewhere else to go back to, so that is what he has done! As he isn't in a position where he needs to take any job offered to him. I think you're just projecting what you would do in a similar situation and thinking that's what he should have done – his solution is a perfectly reasonable one.

Original poster
midlifesomething · 02/05/2024 19:11

thing47 · 02/05/2024 19:07

I would and have taken any job to get me through and don’t have anywhere to go back to if times were hard so would have to take any job offered to me.

But he does have somewhere else to go back to, so that is what he has done! As he isn't in a position where he needs to take any job offered to him. I think you're just projecting what you would do in a similar situation and thinking that's what he should have done – his solution is a perfectly reasonable one.

Yes, you are right! Am probs a little envious that he can make that choice

OP posts:
Cheesyfootballs01 · 02/05/2024 19:11

I think you’re the red flag if I’m honest.

He lost his job and he won’t be able to get another in his field for a few months makes me think he is a professional? Im assuming he got a redundancy package?

His parents offered to let him stay until he gets a new job - sounds perfectly fine to me.

He said he wouldn’t move in with you because he couldn’t contribute financially- green flag.

To me it sounds like you just want him to get any job so you can keep seeing him regularly , which is a bit selfish really. He obviously doesn’t want to get a stop gap job.

How old are you both?

Original poster
midlifesomething · 02/05/2024 19:13

Cheesyfootballs01 · 02/05/2024 19:11

I think you’re the red flag if I’m honest.

He lost his job and he won’t be able to get another in his field for a few months makes me think he is a professional? Im assuming he got a redundancy package?

His parents offered to let him stay until he gets a new job - sounds perfectly fine to me.

He said he wouldn’t move in with you because he couldn’t contribute financially- green flag.

To me it sounds like you just want him to get any job so you can keep seeing him regularly , which is a bit selfish really. He obviously doesn’t want to get a stop gap job.

How old are you both?

I do see your point, guess ideally I want an equal. Know relationships not always that clean cut. This thread is really helping me see it from his point of view. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
midlifesomething · 02/05/2024 21:54

Meadowfinch · 02/05/2024 18:35

Your approach (and his) is very sensible.

He is not homeless but living with his parents and you not seeing him during the week, may well focus his mind on finding a new job.

It also makes it clear to him that you are not a pushover, he needs to be responsible for himself as an adult, and that partnership means just that, both contributing equally in some way.

Just be prepared to manage on your own if the same should happen to you.

That has occurred to me, how things would be other way around. Its a very good point

OP posts:
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