AIBU to consider sleep training my five month old?

[user666555]

Hello,

I've been thinking about sleep training my five month old. I know the guidance is from six months but I'm honestly struggling more and more each day.

My daughter fights her sleep SO much. 9/10 times she will cry/fight her naps/night sleep. Every nap is a battle. She only naps 30-45 minutes at a time (unless I go out with her in the pram but this isn't do-able every single day). I have to rock her to sleep in her pram/bedside crib. She wakes up with the slightest noise and is so difficult to put to/keep asleep.

I've started considering sleep training as I'm not sure what else I can do. DP works long hours so I'm with her all day and she still wakes up around 3+ times a night too. I think the problem is she can't seem to self soothe (again controversial at her age) but it's really impacting me. I feel knackered. My whole body hurts (from feeling overtired and not rested) my relationship with DP is pretty much non existent as when he does get in from work the slightest noise will wake her. I also feel drained from the day of trying to get her to nap that when he does come home I just feel angry and moody all the time. I really do not know what else to do.

AIBU? Should I just suck it up? If I'm not being unreasonable, any tips on how to sleep train her (in a gentle yet effective way) please?

Thanks

Look sleep training does help, for some babies, in some families, under some circumstances. You're never going to get a study that says definitively that sleep training absolutely doesn't work or absolutely does work, because there are loads of different methods and levels of sleep "training" (you could argue that even putting the baby in a dark room at night is "training" them) and every baby is slightly different. If there are any studies that are as definitive as that, I'd be very dubious and start looking for biases personally.

But I'd look at the nap schedule and see if you can make any gentle routine changes first. Three wakes at five months doesn't sound too bad to be honest (that's not to say it's not hard, it really is). Can you view the naps as more "quiet time" than nap time? If she sleeps, great. If she doesn't, fine - get her up at the end of the time period and try again next nap. You could use a dark room, nice sensory lights, plinky music... and some loop headphones for you. She's safe and resting, whether she sleeps or not. Obviously soothe if upset but if she's calmly playing with some sensory toys or something, that's fine too and it's still a successful "quiet time", if that makes sense. This worked for one of my kids, if only to rescue my sanity over it!

@user666555 it is different information everywhere you look! But I have basically followed DD and know that her wake window is between these times and go with it. She was also having very short naps and was having 5 naps a day. However, over the past few weeks she has started to have longer naps, nothing that I’ve done differently, just stuck to the same routine, and we are now on a four nap day.

@fairymary87 if I follow her lead and don't go off of her sleepy cues she'll stay up for hours. She's quite a nosey baby. She has major FOMO ... always wants to see everything and she fights her sleep so she can continue that.

I’d definitely recommend getting a long walk every day, it's very beneficial to get daylight for you both. i just put mine down and leave then for naps; i think the rocking etc can over stimulate. and jf shes a light sleeper can you try moving her to a different room? mine slept much better in their own room.

I don’t know if I would say I sleep trained my girls, but I have always been very routine with them. Every baby is different, but I got my girls on pretty much the same schedule which worked for our family, so it can be done.

People have lots of strong opinions on it, but ultimately you have to do what works best for you. I slowly reduced how much milk I gave at night until they dropped the night feed completely, both were sleeping through the night by 6 months bc of this and napped like clockwork. It is easier said than done, but I kept them on routine, waking up similar times, down for nap similar times, not letting them get over tired or taking too long of a nap. Didn’t feed to sleep, always popped them in their beds while they were still awake but sleepy so they learnt to drift off themselves. During wake windows, I tried to make them very engaging and stimulate their little brains and used the same props for nap times.

good luck OP

@Peonies12 I have considered this! Waiting for the post 6 month mark (although I don't think I'll do it as soon as she turns six months) as I feel it'll allow us all to sleep better as she won't be woken by my sneeze or cough and DP's snoring and I won't be on edge to even turn the other way 😭

Not unreasonable at all! I followed The Peaceful Sleeper method. You had to pay for the video course but it changed our lives! We trained at 5 months and she's now 17 months, perfectly secure attachment and (we are all) sleeping brilliantly.

I sleep trained my youngest at 5 months. He hadn't slept for more than an hour at a time since birth. I was suicidal with exhaustion.
It took 3 nights. The first two were hard but by the 4th he pretty much slept through. It felt like a miracle and it saved my sanity.
He was a much happier baby after that and the whole family felt happier.
Try it. It's not easy but it does work. Well, it did for us.

I had a child like this, every nap was a battle until he stopped the nap at 2 years, although they did get slightly easier, but I spent hours walking round with a pram in all weathers. It's all very well to say just leave them awake but then he would just cry constantly with tiredness and be even worse at night. Sleep training at 6 months helped reduce the night wakes to 1 or 2 a night from 4 and he went to sleep easier at bedtime. He woke really easily too - a car door slamming outside or the shower running would wake him. After age 2 he got loads better and is a pretty good sleeper now at 2.5.

I tried a lot of things like routine , wake windows and a sleep consultant, nothing really solved it, the sleep training helped a lot with nights but he was just an awkward sleeper. I suggest soldier on for another month and then sleep train. It might not solve everything but it should help.

My other child slept really well with no intervention, slept 12 hours straight from 6 months, went for a nap as soon as anyone put her in her cot, if she wasn't sleepy she would babble or later sing happily, sometimes would hear her singing at 2am. Total opposite to my son who woke up screaming every time.

They are all different and I'm sure it's nothing you've done!

@user666555 I have a cmpa girl, doings similar to yours. the biggest thing I realised was that she's only ever know that we've comforted her. So that's why respond so well to it etc. sleep training may not go well with a baby who's been sooth by mamas you're done such a good job, you got her better and you even moved house and somehow kept it together. It does get better I promise. Look up wake windows and honestly I'd forget about sleep training. All babies are different when it comes to sleep and wake every few hours. It's normal for them to do so. Society just tells us different x

When literally hundreds of thousands of babies over decades have been successfully sleep trained and sleep 12 hours at night I certainly can call it rubbish because that’s what it is 😅as I said, of course sleep trained babies still wake! But they learn they can self settle and put themselves back to sleep, that’s what sleep training is.

Please share the study because again there is zero evidence that sleep trained babies have higher cortisol levels (last study I read was in 2019, conducted in America so happy to be shown something more recent that disproves this)

I suspect stirring easily may be linked to digestive discomfort.

My baby is six months, and was in a horrible state after the four month regression. He was miserably tired and miserable trying to get to sleep.

In my experience lots of people will tell you what worked for them as if it is THE solution. But the babies haven't read that manual.

For what it's worth, my son benefits from two things - a loooong walk in the morning for the first nap, with a snooze shade on to fully block out the sun/wind/rain, and his swimming lessons.

He has stopped fighting his later naps, which are only 30-40m, but he goes down easily. He'll also do the longer naps inside now that he's in the routine of having one. It's rare, and usually because something is wrong, that he needs more than 3 naps a day.

I used to just put mine in a sling then go for a walk. They would conk out and I'd go and get a coffee. And yes they both fought sleep but slings were like magic!

My husband and I sleep-trained our older daughter at about that age; she wouldn’t take a nap unless someone was holding her. After a couple of rough days, she could take a nap with minimal fuss and the whole family was better off. She’s now nine years old and doesn’t seem to hate us. 🙂

Yes I would try sleep training for naps first. Something like make every nap exactly the same I.e. into the cot with curtains closed and white noise on. “Time to have a nap now sssh” and do gradual retreat or something like that and see how you get on. Very hard though if you need her to nap on the go. I’d try white noise for nighttime as well if she’s a light sleeper to block out noise and keep her asleep

Generally I don't advise sleep training before 6mths but I do put in place good sleeping habits and a routine - I'm a mn

Sleep breeds sleep and yes overtired babies don't settle easily

This age their average wake window is 1.5hrs to 2hrs tops

So if awake at 7am bed 830 or 9 the very latest

Usually in a 3hr cycle they need 1.5hrs sleep in that time but many do wake after 45m.

It's not till a little older and start joining sleep cycles and will go 1.5hrs

Same goes for 4hrs if awake feed at 7 then bed by 9am latest and next feed at 11 and sleep 1230/1 and then 4/430 often a car nap

White noise can help if a light sleeper

God I'm trying to remember but honestly at that age I don't think I had set naps she just fell asleep when she wanted to.

What method did you use please? I have a six month old girl who only naps on people .

I don't know the answer OP. My six month old will only be fed to sleep for naps then held (pings awake as soon as put in nice cosy sleepyhead) or sometimes in the buggy if you keep it moving. Some days she seems to only have about 1.5 hrs nap in total over the whole day (not usually that bad) if she's woken up. We currently co-sleep as she wakes up about 8 times a night just for a quick comfort breastfeed. My poor dh is currently sleeping on a creaky camp bed in the same room. We've been putting off sleep training as she keeps catching colds or I've been ill, but we really need to sort it all out. We've just got ourselves into a pickle. You have my solidarity.

I have an 8 year old who had cmpa and silent reflux. She was just the most angry unhappy baby who couldn't sleep unless vertical. At six months we tried different sleep training methods consistently but they all failed. Eventually in desperation we left her to cry herself to sleep and that did help improve things. I don't know if I have it in me to do that again as this baby isn't angry awake with it.

Good luck whatever you decide!

My DD was similar with the light sleeping for naps, would wake at the slightest noise even with white noise on 🤷🏼‍♀️At night was a great sleeper from quite early on. Woke every 3hrs from birth and slept through from 3.5m - with no sleep training - so for those who say it’s not possible for a baby that young you sleep through - it is!! EBF on demand baby too.
BUT she hit the 4m sleep regression in style and went from sleeping 10hrs straight to waking hourly every night. After a month of this my mental health was really struggling and this is my main point really, when thinking about sleep training it needs to be thought about alongside maternal mental health. If a mother is on her knees with exhaustion the best thing for the whole family is to get that mother in a better place and sleep training will (probably- no guarantees obvs! ) massively help. It’s not always helpful to be told you have to just power through.
We used the chair method in conjunction with stopping feeding to sleep and observing wake windows and after about 5nights she was back to sleeping through. She was 5m when we did this.
She’s nearly 3 now and has slept well ever since in general. She will cry (or more often shout!) if something is wrong, ill, bad dream, duvet fallen off etc and we respond immediately. It’s not true in our experience that a sleep trained baby never cries - ours does when she needs us but not otherwise and that’s the difference - if she’s just stirring at the end of a sleep cycle she settle herself.
Only you know what is best for you but defo take a good look at the impact the exhaustion is having on your mental health as well - it’s not a requirement to suffer! I wish you all the best 😊

YABU sounds like you are trying to force naps. If they are tired it should be fairly easily (under 15 mins) if it’s taking longer it’s likely she is bored. Do some playing and try again in 30 mins

Do what you feel is best for your family, trust your gut. If you give sleep training a try and it doesn’t work out then so what - just try again in a few more weeks! As for the naps, earlier posts on here saying 30mins is fine, I know that would not be anywhere near enough for my baby… there is hell to pay if we don’t get a good 1.5hr afternoon nap (every baby is different!). An overtired baby finds it harder to fall asleep and stay asleep, and in my experience poor quality naps in the day lead to restless nights. Absolutely do not feel guilty for thinking about your own well-being and relationship. In the long run happy and well rested parents benefit baby too, so you do what you need to do to get to into that positive mental space.

She might just be a light sleeper….almost like a cat nap. Asleep enough but still aware.

I’m old but I wouldn’t bother so much
about baby naps. I’d go for walk with your baby in the pram after a really good feed (breast/bottle/both/whateve). With music/podcast or whatever you listen to. But for a couple of hours, I’d just walk and not worry about the odd whinge. Your mental health will thank you

Overtiredness sounds like the main issue here. I'd try and get her to sleep before the yawning and rubbing her eyes starts.

Remember that sleep training is an umbrella term and includes so many different methods, it doesn't have to be the ferber method which everyone associates with sleep training if you don't want it to be.

You can try the pick up/put down method which worked well for me or shhh pat is a nice, gentle one too.

You might find though that if you can get that 'sweet spot' of getting her to sleep before she is so overtired that she's fighting it that things may improve, including linking her sleep cycles and napping for a longer period.