Racist NCT friends

[Carrielotte]

I’ve been part of a NCT group for 6+ years now. Aside from my partner and I, who are both of asian backgrounds, all the other members of the group are caucasian white (English) and are super close with one another for various reasons.
The other night, I walked into a conversation where a couple of the group mums were talking about their DC’s schools. One of the mums, Mum 1 said that they refuse to make friends with any of her DC’s school mums as they were all ‘chavs’.
The other mum, Mum 2, then proceeded to say ‘There is only one polish girl in our school, as well as a group of Asians, thankfully.’
Mum 1 then goes ‘Thankfully everyone else is white!’.
Obviously oblivious to the fact I was listening, or maybe they just didn’t care.

I was too stunned to speak up. The other NCT mums came into the room, so there was a change in subject and they didn’t hear the conversation. But hearing all that has made me so upset and angry and questioning everything, especially as Mum2 has always seemed super sweet to me, and has always praised my children.
I’m tempted to leave the group after all these years, but unfortunately my children are in the same school and friendship circles with the other children of the NCT group, and I will always be crossing paths with the other mums, who are super tight with each other.

AIBU?

How horrible, and I (hope and imagine) completely contrary to the ethos of NCT.
I'd have to say something, even if it risks your place in the group, because I'd need to know that i had the support of the rest of the group. Challenge, bring it out in the open. You may find support in unexpected places.
Good luck.

I'm sorry this has happened but they've shown you who they are. Time to cut them loose. Don't feel bad and be honest if anyone asks why you've dropped them. You don't need to cover for their racism out of social anxiety.

Yanbu, don't take it personally- it's most likely due to their upbringing and hopefully doesn't represent the views of everyone else in the group. I wouldn't leave the group if this was an isolated incident although I know how upsetting it feels for you to hear that conversation as someone who is Asian.

I'd say what you overheard and that it upset you. I think as you're friends it would really make them reflect on their opinions and prejudices. I expect they'll be mortified as well they should be.

They are both stereotyping and sounding racist. I guess you know that about them, but don't let it make you leave the whole group. Not all of them are like that, surely?
I'm my area you would not hear people speaking that way, I think. There are so many people of different races round here you'd never get someone saying everyone was white. Or that it was a positive.

It sounds like the usual human thought pattern going on here. We naturally gravitate towards people who are like us and distrust those who are different. They don't see you as Asian, they see you as someone like them. To them, Asians are people who are not like them, people they don't know, people they don't trust. That's why they aren't bothered about you overhearing them talking like that - they think that because you're like them, you probably agree.

It's the old "I hate all foreigners, except for the ones I've met who to be fair were alright" thinking.

Can't imagine being friends with someone who would make the chav comment.

The comments on ethnicity... She couldn't have been saying it was a good thing that thankfully there was some diversity in the school?
Probably not, you know what you heard but it could possibly be that.

Confused - when they said there was one Polish girl and a group of Asians and everyone else was white, were they saying that Polish people (along with Asian people) aren’t white?

All my ancestors on my dad’s side were Polish or Polish-American, and the thought that I might be “not white” is kind of hilarious to me.

Disgusting. I couldn’t no longer be friends with these people. So sorry OP.

Oh ignore me I completely missed the next sentence that she was thankful everyone else is white.

My god. Nope they wouldn't be my friends!

Leave the group and say why. Doing it after the event means it should be seen as not just heat of the moment.

Unfortunately their attitudes have probably passed down to their children. Would you tell your child to accept casual racism from their 'friends'? I would probably distance myself from those two mums, because I doubt this is something you'd be able to just forget about.

I would have said something there and then, and certainly wouldn't be friendly with them going forward. But I'd make it known to them that I'd heard and would prob leave the group..

They can not be friends if they are racist. I would be avoiding them as much as I possibly could.

This exchange:
The other mum, Mum 2, then proceeded to say ‘There is only one polish girl in our school, as well as a group of Asians, thankfully.’
Mum 1 then goes ‘Thankfully everyone else is white!’.
Sounds very shocking.

I'd leave the group. Your children can still be friends with their children. But there's no way I would choose to spend time with people who have these views.

I’m not sure now, that’s why I’m questioning everything, and wondering if there’s been similar conversations with the others behind my back.

I really regret not saying anything there and then. I generally avoid confrontation and was genuinely shell shocked.

Don't give yourself a hard time. It is easy for someone who wasn't there to say they would have said something, but your response is very natural.

There have been times I have been at something and been rendered speechless.

You can think now about how to react and you don't have a responsibility to take on every racist comment you are exposed to.

This is well put. I am also Asian and have experienced this. Often people don't see me as Asian because I dress in Western clothes and don't have any religious markers. So sometimes they inadvertently come out with racist comments because they divide Asians into good Asians and bad Asians. I have also been struck dumb in the moment.

Don't leave the whole group though, because of a few bad apples.

I think they are happy with the Asians in school (have a stereotype rep of studying hard and doing well) and Polish child, I think it was expressing they are glad they are the only 'not like us' children. They are pleased there's no other races, eg black children. Which still makes them racist as hell and not okay.

So now you know.

I'm sorry you have faced this at a place where you hope to make friends

Easier said than done to challenge, but if you did, you might find the rest of the group are equally disgusted by them. If not, then you can decide what else you want to do.

I guess you could either directly challenge in front of the others 'Hi, When I came in last week I heard you say your children go to X school, is it good? (Gets them talking and so they can't deny the conversation). And then hit them with ' but you also said you were glad that other than a group of Asian children everyone else is white. Do you think all the parents there feel that way? Do you think I'd be better looking elsewhere for my child as I don't want them to deal with prejudice at school?'

Or you could tell the leader you heard two women making racist comments last week, could she remind the group it's not acceptable.

All my ancestors on my dad’s side were Polish or Polish-American, and the thought that I might be “not white” is kind of hilarious to me

Same here. My guess is that to these racist bitches Polish is "not like them" and therefore not the "right kind of white". Setting quite the example for their children, aren't they?🙄

What they mean by their Polish comment is, Polish as in the unwanted Eastern European refugee kind .

Not all white people are equal, didn't you know?

That’s a good idea

Unfortunately Mum 2 is the unofficial group leader.

Please call them out. Please please please. I know it's horrible but imagine the looks on their faces as they squirm and try to make it out like they didn't say it.
They think it's ok to make others feel like outsiders, time to turn the tables and give them a taste of their own medicine. Call them out and humiliate them.

Wait, what’s wrong with calling someone a chav? Reading some of these responses, I wonder if the word has moved on from my understanding of it