Racist NCT friends

[Carrielotte]

I’ve been part of a NCT group for 6+ years now. Aside from my partner and I, who are both of asian backgrounds, all the other members of the group are caucasian white (English) and are super close with one another for various reasons.
The other night, I walked into a conversation where a couple of the group mums were talking about their DC’s schools. One of the mums, Mum 1 said that they refuse to make friends with any of her DC’s school mums as they were all ‘chavs’.
The other mum, Mum 2, then proceeded to say ‘There is only one polish girl in our school, as well as a group of Asians, thankfully.’
Mum 1 then goes ‘Thankfully everyone else is white!’.
Obviously oblivious to the fact I was listening, or maybe they just didn’t care.

I was too stunned to speak up. The other NCT mums came into the room, so there was a change in subject and they didn’t hear the conversation. But hearing all that has made me so upset and angry and questioning everything, especially as Mum2 has always seemed super sweet to me, and has always praised my children.
I’m tempted to leave the group after all these years, but unfortunately my children are in the same school and friendship circles with the other children of the NCT group, and I will always be crossing paths with the other mums, who are super tight with each other.

AIBU?

That’s horrendous, I’d have to say aomethng. This is an example of ‘of but I don’t mean you’ racism. It’s awful. Not racism but I had the ‘oh I don’t mean you’ when it comes to single mums or council houses which has been horrible but what you’ve experienced is disgusting. I know how hard it is to say anythng sometimes though but I’m so angry for you.

You've been in the group 6 years, and have never heard anything like this before ?
Could it be they see you as one of them, & disregard your ethnicity ?

It sounded as though they only consider English people as ‘white’. Very ignorant and rude.

Nothing within earshot but possibly behind my back. To be honest, they’re super close to each other and slightly standoffish to me. But I just figured it was because I’m a quite shy and reserved person myself but this would make sense now.

How upsetting. I hope the woman sees your post on here and has the shock of her life.

I suppose you could message her and ask her what she meant, since you are Asian and thought that you were friends?

But it's tricky if she's the Queen Bee type of the group as she'll probably just freeze you out. And the fact that two people were having that conversation when you were in the house means they really weren't hiding it very well.

Could you post on the group chat asking for advice, since your child came home from school upset that someone said something racist? See how they react.

To me the term chav is offensive and always has been, even when I was at school. It is judging people based on certain characteristics e.g. how they dress and speak and implying they are less because of it. There's usually an undercurrent that they are poorer/less educated. Whilst it can be linked to poor behaviour (being a yob etc), people will describe others as 'chavs' or 'chavvy' based on looks/accent alone, and it's not meant as a positive judgement.

I'm sorry @Carrielotte , this is fucking awful. Horrible people.

Certainly as an Irish person living in England, I encountered a certain minority of English people for whom Irish people ‘weren’t quite white’.

And, just as with you, OP, you never know when you’re going to encounter it. You think you’re in a safe situation, and then, bam, something hits out of the blue, and you feel like an idiot for having let your guard down. I’m sorry it happened to you.

Call it out. I'm Asian and I've had similar from the village gossips on the playground. You don't need to be confrontational. Just tell a few of the group that you overheard what the person said and you really don't want much to do with that person. Also that you are concerned that the child will be hearing discriminatory language at home. Then step away.

I did similar and I'm happy not to be included amongst a bunch of bigots and ignorants.

You finding this out early means you won't have to put up with their fakeness from the outset and I promise that you will find your own people and so will your child.