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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Private vs state secondary choice

30 replies

Glitterfish · 30/04/2024 21:54

Posting here for traffic as I have to make up my mind this week. I am really conflicted over the best choice of secondary school for my son. He has been accepted for both but I really can't make up my mind. WWYD?

The state secondary school nearby is excellent, great reports etc BUT huge numbers in the school. There is a bus practically from our door and he would be mixing with friends from the village (which is important as he went to a primary school a little further afield) and its mixed sex.

Or there is a private school about half an hour away (would have to drive), fantastic resources and opportunities, small numbers BUT single sex. It will also be long days (8.30 - 8) even as a day pupil as they have to stay for activities and study every day. Great sports facilities which he loves but its a rugby school and he isn't particularly interested in that but also has a golf pro etc (he's just taken to golf recently). Other school has very good sports facilities and range of sports but not to this level.

My son is a very friendly and chatty boy but also a bit immature for his age. He also has dyslexia and lacks focus so works better in small groups. He really liked both schools when we did the introduction days. We can afford the private school atm but may have to cut back on holidays etc.

I think a private school may give him an advantage later on in life but think the local state school might meet his immediate needs best - WWYD? Any advice welcome.

YABU - send him to the state school
YANBU - send him to the private school

OP posts:

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 30/04/2024 21:58

Have you got all the money in the bank to pay for his entire secondary education ?

PuttingDownRoots · 30/04/2024 22:00

At school for 12hrs, even if some is recreational (and I presume supervised prep?) Doesn't sound a great life work balance.

Didimum · 30/04/2024 22:00

The state option sounds better for him and your family going forward.

Flowersonmyorchid · 30/04/2024 22:00

It's not just the fees. It's the sports equipment, school trips, business plan sessions etc.. If that's not comfortable then don't bother. If it's a rugby school other sports won't be prioritised, and if it's academic he'll really struggle. I'd choose the excellent state school any day of the week.

Gloschick · 30/04/2024 22:01

How big and how small are we talking? Too small can be just as problematic as too big. The lifestyle sounds very different in the 2 schools - does he genuinely not have a preference?

theonlygirl · 30/04/2024 22:03

8.30 to 8pm, everyday? Blimey. If the secondary is excellent, behaviour and results good, honestly I don't know why you'd go private. Keep your money and spend it on nice family holidays or put the money away for him for uni, car or house. Getting the bus to school, learning independence and to rub along with all kinds of kids are valuable skills.

edwinbear · 30/04/2024 22:04

Can you afford the VAT and how likely are the private schools facilities likely to be cut once VAT kicks in? I’d not be starting on a private school journey now with all the uncertainty with an incoming Labour government (and I have 2 DC at private). If you have an excellent state option, I’d take that.

RespiceFinemKarma · 30/04/2024 22:07

Personally I'd do private every time with dyslexia. SEN at most privates is an actual resource not an add on or optional extra tagged in if you are lucky that you get at a lot of States. I also think the extra addition of study time in invaluable for good results as often making kids do work together at school gets good results and habits ingrained. If they get home they faff and make excuses rather than study or do prep. I also think that they will get more opportunities with their sports. The matches they play will be better selected for his ability it seems?

On the flip side it sounds as if your State option is a good one and he has friends going which is nice. The transport ease is also tempting. If you wanted to risk it you potentially do have the option to change later on?

MrsAvocet · 30/04/2024 22:15

8.30 - 20.00 is a very long day.
That would put me off to be honest, no matter how good the facilities. That's potentially very tiring, a long time away from the family and it doesn't really give much opportunity for any out of school activities.
It's actually one of the reasons why we decided against our local independent school for our children as they would have had to drop their existing hobbies to accomodate compulsory after school and Saturday morning activities which they were far less interested in. I can see that extra curricular activities being provided at school has some advantages - but only if they are ones that your child actually wants to do. Plus I think there are benefits to doing things with other children out of school. Having everything available in the school setting is probably ok if you get on well with everyone in your cohort, but it could be pretty miserable if you don't. I'm not wild about the idea of school having quite so much control. My DC's state school has lots of extra curricular activities as well, but absolutely none of them is compulsory. My children all did some things at school and others outside which I think is preferable.

SpaSpa · 30/04/2024 22:23

Do the private if you can genuinely afford it.

Original poster

Glitterfish · 30/04/2024 22:32

Intake of 6 vs 2 classes. Genuinely likes both schools.

OP posts:

SpaSpa · 30/04/2024 22:34

An intake of 6 classes isn’t that big for secondary.

Original poster

Glitterfish · 30/04/2024 22:36

Thank you all for your helpful comments. I'm making a table of pros and cons 😆

OP posts:

Monstersunderthesea · 30/04/2024 22:36

When you go on to look at a level choices is the independent school really going to offer the full set of subject options for just 60 or fewer kids? That would be my concern.

RespiceFinemKarma · 30/04/2024 22:46

I'd probably look forwards a bit and see which GCSE options they do and if you think the choices are equal. Dyslexic dd loves comp sci and the State option had one substitute teacher and that was it. They didn't have much of an uptake for it and it seemed it was considered "geeky" to be into it, so she would have possibly been given a bit of a hard time. Her private has a whole building and 3 teachers with several computer clubs in the week for different aspects. Lots of uptake and good 9-7 majority. If you can compare specific subjects you know he likes. Good privates will do a breakdown of each subject and scores for GCSE and A'Level so you can see at a glance.

Check if the extra circs are actually not just over lunch time - privates get a longer lunch but personally I'd rather dd do an hour of a hobby after school than 30mins around a rushed lunch. Some privates pretend they offer a lot of extras but they're pretty meaningless if crammed into lunch and always full/not open to their year group (same as State options which you don't want if you're paying a premium).

Mia85 · 30/04/2024 22:52

What are the independent school finances like? Could it survive if pupil numbers drop due to VAT? It sounds small for secondary.

Heatedblanky · 30/04/2024 23:02

I think the state secondary school sounds by far the best choice - a small single sex school sounds stifling and I cannot imagine it would be good preparation for adult life.
Whoever is driving your son to school will presumably also have to drive half an hour home again - so they will probably be doing two hours driving a day - which is not insignificant and they could be stuck doing this for the next seven years.
Not getting home until 8.30pm will effectively rule out a “normal” home life. For at least the next couple of years your son will be going to bed about half an hour after he gets home, so you will spend very little time together as a family. He will also have no time to do activities or socialise outside school, so socially he will be restricted to school friends and no one else, which might well be problematic. In addition he will only be able to do the activities which the school offers so this will almost certainly limit his choice of hobbies.
A rugby school will likely put a huge emphasis on rugby, which sounds like it’s not his thing, and sports clubs often provide high quality sporting options so it’s not as if the private school is his only chance of accessing this. Golf lessons etc can be booked through golf clubs at weekends or in the evenings so he can still do golf if he goes to the state school and you will have plenty of money to pay for this with all the money you’ll have saved on fees. In fact, just think what you could do with all the money you’ll save. Even if you have enough money to pay for the private school it’s worth reflecting on whether what’s on offer is actually worth so much money. You can get tutors to help your son if he needs extra support and if the state school does turn out not to meet his needs you can consider transferring to the private school in year 9. Schools like that usually have a considerable intake of new students in year 9 so this wouldn’t disadvantage your son at all.

SummerBreeze1980 · 30/04/2024 23:04

Glitterfish · 30/04/2024 22:36

Thank you all for your helpful comments. I'm making a table of pros and cons 😆

My DD goes to quite a small Secondary (in comparison to others) - it has 6 forms per year and has a really nice family feel to it. The Learning support is excellent.

You don't mention about that. What are the SEN departments like? Do they have a Learning support centre your DS can access? What support will he be given?

Librarybooker · 30/04/2024 23:16

What’s his choice? It really ought to be his choice if he has a preference.

Our DC was at an independent school from Reception to Yr4, then at local C of E primary for years 5 and 6. He then did entrance exams for private grammars and we applied to state secondaries. He chose the secondary school and I think it was ultimately wise.

If the Independent school is a rugby school and the kids do prep - which is the stay late homework at school thang - then do they have a second intake phase at Yr9 from local prep schools? I ask this because our local minor public school has a 2 class intake in Yr7 but the main cohort arrive in Yr9

QueenMegan · 30/04/2024 23:20

Let him decide

State education is on its knees.

If can afford it go private

theonlygirl · 30/04/2024 23:24

Glitterfish · 30/04/2024 22:32

Intake of 6 vs 2 classes. Genuinely likes both schools.

A 2 form entry secondary? is that financially viable for a private school? I wouldn't have a clue but sounds very small.
Also, 6 classes for a secondary is not big at all.

RainingCatsandDogs · 30/04/2024 23:26

YABU, especially if the finances aren't completely secure. Spend the money on tutors for GCSE/A levels and enrichment through sports and visiting places/museums/books. He will get more out of this. Ultimately you can't buy later life success and he will find his own path in either school.

Librarybooker · 30/04/2024 23:33

theonlygirl · 30/04/2024 23:24

A 2 form entry secondary? is that financially viable for a private school? I wouldn't have a clue but sounds very small.
Also, 6 classes for a secondary is not big at all.

Show quote history

Agree, 6 classes not big. If the private school is an old style independent school it’s often the case that only a small part of the cohort start at Yr 7 and the rest come over from prep school at Yr9.

Here we have 2 independent grammar schools that have main cohort at Yr 7 but also have Yr 9 entry arrangements to try to attract the more academic prep schoolers. We also have one minor public school that has a tiny Yr 7 entry of 2 classes (30 kids in total) and then the main cohort joins in Yr 9

Appleblum · 01/05/2024 01:04

Even when I ignore the finances aspect your description of the state school makes it sound much better than the private school. I'm not keen on 12 hours in school.

hatsoff234 · 01/05/2024 07:12

Just to add another viewpoint- my son's private school keeps day pupils till 9.30pm if they wish. They can have dinner there, do prep and then it's like a holiday camp! They can go swimming, do all kind of sports, roam the school grounds or stay at House having quiet time or watching TV/ playing pool etc. (But they can leave at 6pm if they want to).
My son is in his element there.

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