To feel sad at my child’s activity today?

[Newe]

My child started a new activity recently and today I saw other kids from his class and their mums. I said hello to them all but I felt a deep feeling of jealously / sadness because they all are so close and I’m not. He’s in year 1 and like me they all met each other over a year ago in reception class. I have always found hard to make friends or maintain friends so I know it’s me not them but it just really hurts as he’s my youngest and I had the same with the eldest one and still do. I really thought I would make more effort but I just can’t.

Do you want friends? What would you like friends for? Is there another way to meet your needs?

Gravitate towards one from the group that you can hold a conversation with. Then it’s more natural to be welcomed into a group.

I met many of my friends through other friends.

@Kittenkitty yes I would like friends. Tbh it’s very hard to make friends here (London) everyone is stressed at work and they rush off. School mums are the only people I see 5 days a week and they do say hello and

@beenoutontheopenroad I have had most of that group around my home one at a time but it never goes anywhere! I’m so rubbish at making friends

Can you get involved with a school group like the PTA? Having a focus can help if (like me) you sometimes struggle with knowing what to say. I also found volunteering with our local girlguiding Rainbows group helped me get to know more local mums, and now my husband jokes 'see you in an hour' if I walk 5 mins to local village shop for some milk as I always see several people to chat to along the way. But it takes time and it takes effort.

@Bushmillsbabe thank you. I did volunteer at the PTA but still found it tough. The truth is I don’t make the effort as I find it so draining but I also wa t to make friends. I think I’m a natural introvert but I feel lonely if that makes sense? I feel sorry for my kids as they have a crap social life because of me.

I generally find being sociable exhausting too. It really is a lot of effort.

Maybe you could instigate plans to do something? I find I enjoy social situations more when there is a clear finish time or an opportunity for a polite escape.

Maybe groups are just not for you, and you would feel less lonely in those situations if you had a couple of close friends who you saw on a 1:1 basis. Do you work? Have any hobbies or interests? Any other ways you could meet people? Is there a chance you could be neurodivergent? A lot of ND people struggle in a group setting and/or with the small talk and dynamics of this kind of situation, and find it easier to make friends when it's orientated around a shared interest or activity

I never made mum friends at the childrens' school. Don't bother me.
You can find friends a lot of other places.

Maybe you're looking in the wrong place for friends? It would be more natural to form friendships over a shared interest or activity than with a random group of women who just happen to have had a child around the same time as you.

It is a difficult balance isn't it. In truth I'm a completly antisocial grumpy cow. But my mum was (and is) painfully shy and i feel that limited me a lot as a child. I didn't really have any playdates until I was old enough to organise them myself, I was really shy around adults as the only ones I spoke to were my parents and my teachers. And I made a conscious choice that I wanted different for my girls. So when we moved to a new village 3 years ago, i pushed myself out of my comfort zone and made the effort, as exhausting as I found it. And the change is obvious for both my girls. At my oldests 5th birthday party 3 years ago, a few children turned up and the parents didn't stay as I hadn't built those connections. My youngest has just had hers and every single child came, and every parent stayed, and it was fantastic.
And my oldest has gone from a shy scared child to a confident sociable one. She called me 'brave' last week when I openly stood up for someone who was being picked on by others and said 'I hope I'm as strong as you when I grow up'. We have to model the behaviour we want to see in our children. And sometimes that means being brave when we are terrified inside.

Have you any friends through work? That’s the only way I make new friends these days. Your children will make friends regardless of whether you are friends with the parents so don’t worry about that.

Do you have any hobbies? Something more social where people talk when doing the hobby, is there anything you are interested outside of work and home?

To be honest I have no time for hobbies or interests as I’m on my own with the kids so have no one to leave them with. Work is a little anti-social as everyone is stressed all the time and just want to leave and I feel the same! I just want to finish work and go pick my kids up. School mums are my only social thing really. I really don’t understand why it’s wrong to want to be friendly with people I see everyday weekday. It’s hard making friends!

School playground mum friends are completely overrated. And I can promise you half of them are probably thinking in their head. I CBA to talk I just want to go home. Lol
If you aren't making friends with this group of people it's because they're not your tribe . XX

I started out the same I.e wanting to make school mum friends and I have but it has taken time (year 4 now) but I’m now finding that actually quite a few of them aren’t really my cup of tea but saying hello in the morning and afternoon is nice.

im sure you will forge friendships if that’s what you are wanting.

It’s hard making friends! yup and it takes effort! In nursery I couldn’t break into the mummy clique and there were no friendly or welcoming faces. When the kids went to school I worked really hard at making conversations with other parents, finding ones I gelled with. Meeting up with the kids. Etc etc. it wasn’t easy and it didn’t happen naturally but a few years later it was totally worth it to have a few genuine friends I can have a laugh with.

It isn't wrong at all. And you don't have to be best buddies. But it's good to make strong enough connections that can message to arrange playdates, have someone to call on if stuck in traffic and need someone to collect your child and vice versa. It just makes your life easier.

And it's good for the children too. As the saying goes 'it's takes a village to raise a child. So be that village'

what did stormingnorman write that was deleted?

It’s not wrong to want to make friends. I can’t imagine how difficult it is as a single parent with no childcare. Do you just want someone to say hi to, or are you looking for someone who you can call and chat with once the children are in bed?

The latter takes a lot longer and they will have their own limitations too. Is there any way you can get childcare for a bit? I’m just not sure when you will get the time to foster a friendship without time to do it if you are picking up the children, then sorting their stuff, cooking, cleaning, childcare every evening and weekend?

@Revelatio truthfully it’s to feel less alone during school events. There are so many events in my childrens school! I feel alone when all the mums are sitting together. Just recently we had class assemblies and then tea straight after. I felt so awkward sitting there not having anyone to talk to. They are all in their groups and it’s hard to get in. Sports day is coming up soon too. I just want to be on friendly terms with them but it’s hard

I'm exactly the same as you, so no help I'm afraid! Painfully shy around people I don't know. Doesn't bother me at all, but feel awful for DS when other kids go to each others houses because their mums are friends

Maybe frame it in a different way? Enjoy watching your child at these events and watch their interactions. You’re so lucky that you get to see them do all these things, so many parents don’t get the time off work to do it.

If it still bothers you, say hi to someone on their own at these events, or speak to one of the teachers.

I understand you, I have the weird situation that in my eldest class everyone is lovely and friendly, some smaller groups have formed but generally its a really friendly bunch. My youngest, not a massive age gap, completely different kettle of fish - sub whatsapp groups and big park trips organised we are excluded from, mums who blank me face to face but will text when I might be useful, its bizarre.

No advise but I go with the fake it till I make it theory, I speak to a couple of mums from youngest class - eldest doesn't want me outside the classroom anymore and ignore those who blank me!

Just go and talk to someone. Don’t expect them to take the initiative; it’s you who wants new friends. I don’t get what the big deal is, friendships take time to form but you need to make effort. I wouldn’t approach someone on their own, they might want to be on their own I’d approach a group in conversation and join in.

I’ve just downloaded the peanut app which is always recommended on here to make friends but I stopped on the part it wants you to upload a photo then a selfie! I don’t know why but it makes me feel uncomfortable. I rather meet people in real life it just seems really weird I don’t know why.