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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you let this man see his child?

44 replies

newnameabs · 30/04/2024 20:15

Evening all.

I'm in a bit of dilemma on what to do. Ex moved away and has little to no involvement in DD's life. The last time he visited was in January after almost a year of no direct or indirect contact. All his choice.

We agreed he visits in Feb. However, I presume he couldn't be bothered so he cancelled and flipped the script to blame me (typical).

Anyhow, a few weeks later, DD fell ill and needed to be hospitalised. I immediately informed him and sent him a picture/video. I asked if he could call to speak to her. He didn't want to and said if I don't hand DD's passport over, then I should never bother him with updates/news. I must add, for the past year, he has been persistent about taking her abroad with him for a holiday and I've point blank refused because we don't have CAO in place nor do I know where he resides.

We have a court hearing re divorce/finances, in two weeks' time. He messaged to ask if he could take her for dinner one evening and then the weekend. His mum is visiting and would like to see her too.

I agreed, as I thought if I refuse this would be frowned upon by the judge at the hearing. DD also loves and really enjoys spending time with him and her cousins.

On one hand, I feel like I should have some respect for myself and DD and tell him the plan has changed. Afterall she was in hospital and he didn't bother asking how she was. On the other, if I go ahead and cancel, I'd feel awful as I'd be depriving DD of immense joy.

What would you do?

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 30/04/2024 20:17

How old is DD?

BookArt · 30/04/2024 20:18

How old is DD? But if he's had no contact in over a year he does not know her so I wouldn't be letting him have unsupervised until contact was regular and they had built a relationship. To your daughter, she is in effect going off with a stranger.

Original poster
newnameabs · 30/04/2024 20:20

StormingNorman · 30/04/2024 20:17

How old is DD?

She's 5.

OP posts:
DDivaStar · 30/04/2024 20:22

How old is Dd I certainly wouldn't be arranging for her to have a weekend with him, she's not heard from him in over a year ! Maybe a lunch or afternoon out.

DDivaStar · 30/04/2024 20:23

newnameabs · 30/04/2024 20:20

She's 5.

Show quote history

Your dd will barely remember him, you'd be sending her off overnight with virtual strangers !

Ultimately its what's best for Dd not whats best for ex or you.

Original poster
newnameabs · 30/04/2024 20:24

BookArt · 30/04/2024 20:18

How old is DD? But if he's had no contact in over a year he does not know her so I wouldn't be letting him have unsupervised until contact was regular and they had built a relationship. To your daughter, she is in effect going off with a stranger.

He came over in January and had her for a couple of days. It was his first visit after almost a year.
DD always has a fab time with him and his family. They do lots of different activities and she gets lots of toys which she absolutely loves.

OP posts:
OhHelloMiss · 30/04/2024 20:24

Does your DD talk about him? Ask to see him?

StealthMama · 30/04/2024 20:24

Given the lack of consistent contact, no I wouldn't.

Does she know him properly to feel safe with him or would she see him as a stranger?
And when did she last see his mother?

Based on this post, no. Short regular contact first band building up to a weekend over several weeks or months.

Is he from the UK?

PTSDBarbiegirl · 30/04/2024 20:25

Something seems off, I wouldn't encourage the relationship. He sounds inconsistent and untrustworthy. Get his child maintenance sorted and have no contact. How can that be good for child.

PineappleTime · 30/04/2024 20:25

Does the divorce hearing relate to child contact or is it about finances? Because if so whether he has contact or not won't make any difference and it wouldn't be a good reason to send her. Personally I wouldn't. He's a flake.

44PumpLane · 30/04/2024 20:25

It's difficult as you don't want to look in any way difficult when you get in front of the judge, but I wouldn't be keen to hand over my 5 year old to a relative stranger for a while weekend.

Maybe say that he and his Mum can spend time with her on the Saturday through the day? Then see how your daughter feels about the experience?

Has he perhaps implied to his mother that he's dad if the year and you're "difficult" and therefore he wants to play "family" for the weekend?

Original poster
newnameabs · 30/04/2024 20:26

OhHelloMiss · 30/04/2024 20:24

Does your DD talk about him? Ask to see him?

Nope. She doesn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
newnameabs · 30/04/2024 20:27

PTSDBarbiegirl · 30/04/2024 20:25

Something seems off, I wouldn't encourage the relationship. He sounds inconsistent and untrustworthy. Get his child maintenance sorted and have no contact. How can that be good for child.

No child maintenance because he's a non UK resident.

OP posts:
Original poster
newnameabs · 30/04/2024 20:30

PineappleTime · 30/04/2024 20:25

Does the divorce hearing relate to child contact or is it about finances? Because if so whether he has contact or not won't make any difference and it wouldn't be a good reason to send her. Personally I wouldn't. He's a flake.

It's for a stay on proceedings until finances are settled so kind of both.
I'm concerned the judge will side with him and see it as though I'm preventing contact.

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 30/04/2024 20:31

While dd might enjoy contact now, the lack of consistency is eventually going to damage her self esteem. How do you explain that you don’t know when she’ll see him next ? How do you explain why he doesn’t see her regularly - especially on special occasions like birthdays and Christmas?

If the grandparents want contact and can be consistent (even if it’s as little as the end of every school term) then that might be a better path to pursue but I assume that you have no contact with them these days.

OpalSpirit · 30/04/2024 20:33

No, I would not send her.

I would feel very uneasy that he wants her overnight when he didn’t want to know when she was in hospital.
Frankly, I would worry whether you would easily get her back.

The demanding of her passport would really have me worrying.

Original poster
newnameabs · 30/04/2024 20:34

44PumpLane · 30/04/2024 20:25

It's difficult as you don't want to look in any way difficult when you get in front of the judge, but I wouldn't be keen to hand over my 5 year old to a relative stranger for a while weekend.

Maybe say that he and his Mum can spend time with her on the Saturday through the day? Then see how your daughter feels about the experience?

Has he perhaps implied to his mother that he's dad if the year and you're "difficult" and therefore he wants to play "family" for the weekend?

This is exactly my thought.
Good suggestion - thank you.
His mum has previously said "he loves X to death" and suggested I'm 'difficult' by not letting him take her abroad.🙄

OP posts:
KTheGrey · 30/04/2024 20:37

So he doesn't live in the UK? I would be quite concerned about his taking DD abroad. And the idea that you need to hand over her passport for him to have contact is very strange indeed. Perhaps if he wants to see her he should pay CM even though it's not compelled by the court.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 30/04/2024 20:37

If he's abroad then no way. He could abduct her. He's already made emotional threats. Don't take the chance.

Original poster
newnameabs · 30/04/2024 20:38

OpalSpirit · 30/04/2024 20:33

No, I would not send her.

I would feel very uneasy that he wants her overnight when he didn’t want to know when she was in hospital.
Frankly, I would worry whether you would easily get her back.

The demanding of her passport would really have me worrying.

I was very hurt when he didn't care to know how she was doing after the hospital stay.
I have no concerns about getting her back. His family members wouldn't want him staying with them for more than a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
newnameabs · 30/04/2024 20:41

PTSDBarbiegirl · 30/04/2024 20:37

If he's abroad then no way. He could abduct her. He's already made emotional threats. Don't take the chance.

I don't think he would abduct her. He sadly has no interest in DD.
He most likely just wants to look good in front of the judge and to be praised by his mum for the 'amazing doting dad' he is.

OP posts:
urbanbuddha · 30/04/2024 20:45

You’re just guessing as to his motivation. No way should you hand over her passport.

Southeastmumma · 30/04/2024 21:02

Whatever you decide re contact for a few days, keep that passport strapped to your side.

StormingNorman · 30/04/2024 21:02

DD barely knows him and he barely knows her. I would facilitate daily visits during his stay but not overnight stays.

Putting your feelings to one side, he needs to earn your daughter’s trust so she feels safe with him and comfortable being away from you for that long.

As sad as it sounds, at the moment he’s just a fun adult who takes her to cool places.

You could also support a relationship with her GPs if they are more local. Regular visits? Perhaps some childcare if the relationship reaches that point.

TinyRebel · 30/04/2024 21:08

Keep a tight hold of her passport, arrange a prohibited steps order and don’t let him get hold of any paperwork that might enable him to apply for his own country’s passport.

Is his own country signed up to the Hague Conventions?

Even if he doesn’t seem interested, his mother might be putting a flea in his ear about abducting your daughter to his home country.

Sorry to sound harsh, I know women who have lost their children.