Would you let this man see his child?

[newnameabs]

Evening all.

I'm in a bit of dilemma on what to do. Ex moved away and has little to no involvement in DD's life. The last time he visited was in January after almost a year of no direct or indirect contact. All his choice.

We agreed he visits in Feb. However, I presume he couldn't be bothered so he cancelled and flipped the script to blame me (typical).

Anyhow, a few weeks later, DD fell ill and needed to be hospitalised. I immediately informed him and sent him a picture/video. I asked if he could call to speak to her. He didn't want to and said if I don't hand DD's passport over, then I should never bother him with updates/news. I must add, for the past year, he has been persistent about taking her abroad with him for a holiday and I've point blank refused because we don't have CAO in place nor do I know where he resides.

We have a court hearing re divorce/finances, in two weeks' time. He messaged to ask if he could take her for dinner one evening and then the weekend. His mum is visiting and would like to see her too.

I agreed, as I thought if I refuse this would be frowned upon by the judge at the hearing. DD also loves and really enjoys spending time with him and her cousins.

On one hand, I feel like I should have some respect for myself and DD and tell him the plan has changed. Afterall she was in hospital and he didn't bother asking how she was. On the other, if I go ahead and cancel, I'd feel awful as I'd be depriving DD of immense joy.

What would you do?

Have you double checked this, only asking as my absolutely useless ex has moved to France & the CMS has an agreement with France so he will have to pay the £11k he owes & if/when he starts work (I believe as he has an Irish passport he can stay/work there permanently) I’m still entitled to CMS, definitely worth thoroughly checking 🤞🤞🤞

Just to raise that he may someone have obtained a passport from his country of birth for her. He could have easily purchased a copy of her birth certificate if he didn’t already have one in order to do this.

What country does he live in? Have they signed up to The Hague Convention (child abduction)? Typing as I think, any risk of forced marriage or FGM (as you haven’t stated which country this is)?

His family may also have motives around contact.

You say your daughter has fun, but you only have her and his word for this - and she is 5. She could be told what to say, or be scared to say the truth. She doesn’t ask to see him or ask after him. There is no bond.

Offer fixed regular FaceTime and supervised contact local to you. Do this is writing to show you are offering a relationship. State that you want your daughter to have a relationship with him (tbh I am unsure why you do’h but that this has to be on her terms and in her best interests. Tell the school what is going on.

That way, if he does take you to court, you can evidence all you have tried to support a father daughter relationship.

Definitely do not hand over her passport or let him take her on holiday. He's a non-UK resident and you don't know where he lives. You assume he wouldn't take her, but he could do it just out of spite, especially if things don't go his way in court.

Of course she likes them. They give her toys. The fact he wants he passport is then important thing here. You'd be a fool to let her go. Unless you ou don't want her back of course.

Keep her passport yourself.

You might think he is unlikely to abduct her because he isn’t interested, but this could be about power. I used to work for an MP and we were dealing with more than one case of international parental abduction. In one case the man had taken the children to his home country, left them with his parents, and then went to work in another. He rarely saw them, but he had ‘won’.

You are being very naive here, why is he asking for her passport if he doesn’t intend to travel with her?

• Not without my daughter *

Yes. I once worked somewhere as a security manager and had to close all the exits when mum reported exH abducted his daughter to take her abroad (arranged marriage). Luckily police arrived v quickly!!

Isn't there something you can do with her passport where you can prevent her from leaving the country without you? I would be very concerned about him wanting to take her to his country and stay there.

100% not handing her passport over unless I am ordered to do so by the court.

Personally feel he needs to persuade a judge his intentions are what's best for your dd. Don't gamble op. Not your dd. A judge won't question your judgement imo. He /she will ask why ex hasn't bothered as yet...

He could already have a passport. Please don't hand her over and seek legal advice regarding abduction prevention immediately. It doesn't matter that he's not personally interested in her, in some cultures abducted children are usually handed over to female relatives to raise.

What country is he from?

Thank you. Ex has also moved to France. I have spoken to CMS and they said, they unfortunately can't enforce payments if he's a non-UK resident. I'd need to apply to the court and then REMO. But, the process is apparently quite lengthy and not always successful, so I've heard.

He could have a passport from his country for her, you never know

He might be asking for the one you have but if you don't hand it over he might apply for his own from wherever he is based.

I would seriously look into what paperwork you need to prevent him taking her abroad.

I would be very wary about allowing him to take her anywhere for a weekend. Day visits yes or at your house but not overnights. She doesn't really know him or his mum.

Thank you everyone for your helpful posts.

Just to clarify, I am not handing her passport to him and no way letting her travel with him anywhere.

He could apply for her to have a French Citizenship without my knowledge. However, I would know if he takes her away without my consent and have no problem with reporting him to the police.

Why on earth would he want her passport ?!!!
you have said no to him taking her abroad on holiday
so why on earth would he want the passport

his mum is coming over on holiday
oh is she !

would she be taking your daughter out of the country ! if you hand over the passport ?!!!

you don't know where he resides ?!!!
I would not be allowing him or his mother to see your daughter without you being present.

they can come for the afternoon to your home and see your daughter there
and I would have another adult with you i.e. do you have a brother or brother in law

or you all go to soft play or somewhere similar, you keep an eye on the exit door at all times hence you will need at least one other adult with you
and if your daughter needs the toilet then it is you that takes her not his mother !

what nationality is he ?
where does his mother reside ?

far far far too many red flags...

This makes no difference. If he is on her birth certificate, he has parental responsibility. Yes, France have signed up to The Hague Convention regarding child ‘abduction’, but in England, if he chooses not to return her, you would have to go to Court to request he does unless you have serious safeguarding concerns which are upheld by Social Care.

Unsure about France, but it certainly wouldn’t be as simple as the Police returning her.

You have a better chance of getting her returned from France than somewhere like South America or Egypt, but it's still time consuming and stressful.

Keep her with you. Only allow indirect contact such as FaceTime and he can send cards and let him spend money in court if he wants a contact order.