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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband who is hopeless with the baby

62 replies

SunnyAutumn24 · 30/04/2024 19:41

Am I being unreasonable? I've lost the plot with what is reasonable or not. We've got a two month old baby and two older kids. This time I said I needed their Dad to be involved overnight. I had a c section. He managed two broken nights (which involved him stomping about, huffing being generally p*ssed off, out bursts of anger throughout the day due to feeling "so tired"). I've done broken nights for SIX years. I was in pain overnight recovering from caesarean birth putting baby back in the cot. I told him this and he still didn't get up. I wanted him to do the settling after the breastfeed and put baby down. He said he would do nappies overnight, but I could settle them essentially because he says it's easy for me.
I explained in the first week that if he doesn't learn to settle baby it will go the way of the other two children who massively favour me. Particularly when small. I know it's normal for primary caregiver to be no. 1. But is it normal for a baby to scream bloody murder with their Dad at two months old (supposedly younger than separation anxiety hits, and was recently settled with a range of extended family who baby had never met before.). He gets angry saying it's the baby being ridiculous (makes me beyond angry) I feel it's that he only takes a happy, fed baby. Or a fast asleep one who is transfered onto him lying down. When baby is grizzly if I give ideas of what might help he gets furious with me and it causes arguments. But he's so quickly angered by a crying baby I can't help but feel it's his fault they don't settle. 1. He doesn't try and 2. He loses his temper and is tense and angry and in no way soothing. Is this normal?? I don't know any other dads who are incapable of settling their baby (has been the case with all three children) but he tells me it's easy for mums and awful for dads. Am I being unreasonable to think it's his laziness and anger that are the issues? I'm fed up of having to do all the parenting of any child when they are upset as he's unable to manage his own emotions enough to help. Please help. I'm so lost with it all and staring down another argument if I try and bring any of this up. 😕

OP posts:
Halfemptyhalfling · 30/04/2024 19:52

I think if you are breastfeeding it's easier if you do overnights and he takes baby either first thing in the morning or last thing at night depending if he is a morning or evening person which gives you an early night or lie in. Alternatively if he isn't out during the day he could give you a nap in the afternoon.

If he takes the child after a feed then least likely to be grizzly and he can bring back when baby gets tired.

Actually babies grizzle more with their mum's as they can smell milk and can be more easily distracted with other adults.

Can he wear baby in a sling so baby can see out and he can get on with stuff or go for a walk.

Some people aren't so good with babies but they might have other things they are good at.

Most babies don't settle well and it might be you are especially good at it

RomeoRivers · 30/04/2024 19:55

Sorry you’re struggling OP.

It is much harder for dads at the beginning because baby will want mum and often what comes instinctively for us, needs to be learnt by them. However, this is baby no.3 so he should have learnt by now.

I don’t think you’re BU to want him to put his emotions aside and step up, but I do think you were BU to have a 3rd child with him, given that he proved himself useless the first 2 times.

Damnyourheadshoulderskneesandtoes · 30/04/2024 19:56

He's a spoilt lazy brat who's shouting at you and your baby for having the audacity to need his help. I would inform him that shouting at your wife and children is abusive, and you'll ring the police if he continues this angry abusive behavior. Stand your ground and keep your boundaries firm, don't let him abuse you while you're vulnerable. There are people who can help.

Original poster
SunnyAutumn24 · 30/04/2024 19:57

We bought a sling especially for him to wear, but he chooses not to (baby loves the sling and settled with him in it the two times he wore it). He lies on the sofa and wants baby to be settled with him there, I suggest walking around, rocking, sling (these work for me) but he won't try them and gets angry with me for suggesting she doesn't like lying on the sofa much.

It felt like magic when extended family swept baby away and she was so happy. I wish he could do that as I see other partners do. Unfortunately they all live a 4 hour drive away so there isn't family help day to day.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyAutumn24 · 30/04/2024 20:01

RomeoRivers · 30/04/2024 19:55

Sorry you’re struggling OP.

It is much harder for dads at the beginning because baby will want mum and often what comes instinctively for us, needs to be learnt by them. However, this is baby no.3 so he should have learnt by now.

I don’t think you’re BU to want him to put his emotions aside and step up, but I do think you were BU to have a 3rd child with him, given that he proved himself useless the first 2 times.

Thanks. Yep fair point, I'm wondering the same. I was convinced second time would be different and it wasn't. Should have learned before the third. He did a good job of convincing me it would be different this time, I've been with him since I was 18 and no other serious relationships so I don't think I have a good idea of what is acceptable, or not, in a relationship

OP posts:
Elmlee · 30/04/2024 20:03

I'm sorry you're struggling OP.
I do think men and women generally are build so differently.
I think we very much get on with it and men to struggle to bond especially in the start (in some cases)
He does sound lazy and I'd be equally frustrated at his behaviour.
It does feel like an excuse in some ways, having a newborn is so hard, it does test boundaries and your marriage for sure.
We are pregnant with baby no2... total surprise and found out very late at 27+4! Not sure how I feel about balancing 2 🥹🥹

Original poster
SunnyAutumn24 · 30/04/2024 20:06

Damnyourheadshoulderskneesandtoes · 30/04/2024 19:56

He's a spoilt lazy brat who's shouting at you and your baby for having the audacity to need his help. I would inform him that shouting at your wife and children is abusive, and you'll ring the police if he continues this angry abusive behavior. Stand your ground and keep your boundaries firm, don't let him abuse you while you're vulnerable. There are people who can help.

He makes me feel that being shouted at is perfectly reasonable in a relationship, that it's "part of it" and if I challenge his anger in front of the children (I do this regularly, as I don't think it's acceptable and I dont want them to think its ok) he gets even more angry and accuses me of thinking I'm "Mother Teresa" and "you're not perfect, you just show you're angry in a different way". Do other husbands shout at their partners? I certainly never recall my Dad doing it and it really upsets me

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyAutumn24 · 30/04/2024 20:07

Halfemptyhalfling · 30/04/2024 19:52

I think if you are breastfeeding it's easier if you do overnights and he takes baby either first thing in the morning or last thing at night depending if he is a morning or evening person which gives you an early night or lie in. Alternatively if he isn't out during the day he could give you a nap in the afternoon.

If he takes the child after a feed then least likely to be grizzly and he can bring back when baby gets tired.

Actually babies grizzle more with their mum's as they can smell milk and can be more easily distracted with other adults.

Can he wear baby in a sling so baby can see out and he can get on with stuff or go for a walk.

Some people aren't so good with babies but they might have other things they are good at.

Most babies don't settle well and it might be you are especially good at it

Sorry. I'm new to mumsnet. I did reply but hadn't quoted your message so I don't know if you can see my reply

OP posts:
dragonscannotswim · 30/04/2024 20:11

Why did you have three kids with this bloke if he's so consistently useless and abusive?

RomeoRivers · 30/04/2024 20:12

You need to sit down with him and spell it out:

*You need help, you cannot be the only one making sacrifices/ coping with the tough parts of parenthood; you need to be a team.

*Tell him you appreciate that baby is hard work, but the only way to improve their relationship is practise.

*Tell him all the techniques you use to settle baby/ deal with the exhaustion. If he tries to give baby back to you, walk away and say just keep trying, same as I do.

If you don’t force him to step up now then it will never happen.

If he responds in anger, you need to think about leaving.

mightydolphin · 30/04/2024 20:13

I think it depends on the baby. My first refused to settle for anyone but me for a long time but my second was a dream. She settles for anyone and everyone.

Your partner shouldn't be shouting or losing his temper though. Have you discussed the impact of his anger on the DC when you are both feeling calm before?

RomeoRivers · 30/04/2024 20:16

Nice husbands don’t shout at their wives.

Original poster
SunnyAutumn24 · 30/04/2024 20:16

dragonscannotswim · 30/04/2024 20:11

Why did you have three kids with this bloke if he's so consistently useless and abusive?

I'm confused. I don't know what is abusive or what is part of a normal relationship. That's why I'm asking for help and advice as I've no idea anymore whether I'm being reasonable or as he says are my expectations always too high

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyAutumn24 · 30/04/2024 20:19

RomeoRivers · 30/04/2024 20:16

Nice husbands don’t shout at their wives.

Thank you for this clear answer. I definitely used to feel that, but after so many arguments I'm doubting whether I've got an idealistic view, which is what he always tells me. That my standards are too high and I'm always trying to change him

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 30/04/2024 20:23

In a normal relationship you do get arguments and you do get shouting but this should be rare.

Yes relationships are hard, but the hard work is learning how to resolve conflict amicably and live in a shared space with someone - not just continually shouting until the other person gives in.

Gettingbysomehow · 30/04/2024 20:27

YABU for hoping such a useless dickhead would take any interest in a third child when he couldn't be bothered with the other two.
I'd have ditched him after the first child which is exactly what I did do. I think he pretty much showed you who he was previously.

Octomama · 30/04/2024 20:27

Some people aren't so good with babies but they might have other things they are good at

Yes some people might be, but this is a separate issue. A husband who stomps about, is visibly angry with a very young baby, forces his wife to complete tasks when she is a few days post surgery causing her pain, has outburst of anger through the day........ it really doesn't matter what else he is good at, he's a shit husband, and a shit father. You are very vulnerable OP so soon after a baby, it makes his behaviour even more selfish and cruel.

Skykidsspy · 30/04/2024 20:29

I just refuse to accept that he can’t adapt. I see it with some friends - they do all nights, early mornings, default parent stuff.

it’s honestly a load of rubbish!! You don’t need to be qualified to look after a baby. You need to put effort in, milk, nappies, clothes and patience.

we did the split so I had an early night, dh did the last feed as a bottle and settled them so I could get a good stint and then I’d do the night feed in the week. He’d do the weekends. One good lie in each at the weekend.

it has to be team work in my book. He doesn’t value you or respect you if he’s happy for you to run yourself into the ground while he gets a bachelor life. You might as well do it on your own.

our children don’t favour me or my husband fwiw.

you also have to think about the example to your kids!

Gettingbysomehow · 30/04/2024 20:29

Who loses their temper with a tiny baby for God's sake?

RomeoRivers · 30/04/2024 20:31

SunnyAutumn24 · 30/04/2024 20:19

Thank you for this clear answer. I definitely used to feel that, but after so many arguments I'm doubting whether I've got an idealistic view, which is what he always tells me. That my standards are too high and I'm always trying to change him

Show quote history

My first serious relationship from the ages of 17-22 was like yours. He shouted at me all the time. He made me think I was equally to blame for all the conflict. Since then, none of my other relationships have been shouty or volatile. I’m now married to the kindest, most thoughtful man ever. He never shouts at me, he calls me darling and makes me cups of tea. Our life is so calm and peaceful (despite having 2 toddlers and a baby on the way!) You could have a kind and gentle husband too. From your updates I really think you need to leave this toxic man behind. People don’t change.

Devilsmommy · 30/04/2024 20:33

Tell him that the poor baby is going to be sensing his anger through heartbeat and that's why he's screaming. The more frustrated your husband gets, the more the baby is going to cry

andthat · 30/04/2024 20:38

SunnyAutumn24 · 30/04/2024 20:19

Thank you for this clear answer. I definitely used to feel that, but after so many arguments I'm doubting whether I've got an idealistic view, which is what he always tells me. That my standards are too high and I'm always trying to change him

Show quote history

Nope… the poster was right. Nice husbands don’t shout at their wives.

Your husband is an angry man.

You… and certainly your kids… deserve better.

OlafLovesOlives · 30/04/2024 20:40

I clicked on this thread assuming it was going to be about a first time father.
YABVVU thinking he would have miraculously change with your THIRD baby!! Didn’t his behaviour with the first two warn you he’s useless?

Resilience · 30/04/2024 20:41

DH and so have been together for 12 years. In all that time we've shouted at each other once. Don't get me wrong, we have disagreements but they're respectful.

Shouting at you and huffing and puffing when he's asked to do something not only completely reasonable but something you'd expect a loving husband to want to do when his wife has had a cessation is not ok.

Whatsitcalled38 · 30/04/2024 20:42

My abusive ex shouted at me. My lovely partner does not. Has not and would never raise his voice to me. Even when I'm being the pain the arse mardy grumpy one, he is calm and patient and talks me through it. He does the same with my toddler. He has never reacted in anger to me or my child.

Good men don't shout at women.
Good men don't blame babies for crying.
Good men don't refuse to help care for their own children.

Let me ask you this, do you want your sons to grow up and be like him? Do you want your daughter to marry men like him?

No? Then stop teaching them that's how men behave. Because if they grow up in this household, best case scenario is that they see that its toxic and will cut you both out of their lives. Worst case is they end up thinking its normal and choosing the same for themselves.