Husband who is hopeless with the baby

[SunnyAutumn24]

Am I being unreasonable? I've lost the plot with what is reasonable or not. We've got a two month old baby and two older kids. This time I said I needed their Dad to be involved overnight. I had a c section. He managed two broken nights (which involved him stomping about, huffing being generally p*ssed off, out bursts of anger throughout the day due to feeling "so tired"). I've done broken nights for SIX years. I was in pain overnight recovering from caesarean birth putting baby back in the cot. I told him this and he still didn't get up. I wanted him to do the settling after the breastfeed and put baby down. He said he would do nappies overnight, but I could settle them essentially because he says it's easy for me.
I explained in the first week that if he doesn't learn to settle baby it will go the way of the other two children who massively favour me. Particularly when small. I know it's normal for primary caregiver to be no. 1. But is it normal for a baby to scream bloody murder with their Dad at two months old (supposedly younger than separation anxiety hits, and was recently settled with a range of extended family who baby had never met before.). He gets angry saying it's the baby being ridiculous (makes me beyond angry) I feel it's that he only takes a happy, fed baby. Or a fast asleep one who is transfered onto him lying down. When baby is grizzly if I give ideas of what might help he gets furious with me and it causes arguments. But he's so quickly angered by a crying baby I can't help but feel it's his fault they don't settle. 1. He doesn't try and 2. He loses his temper and is tense and angry and in no way soothing. Is this normal?? I don't know any other dads who are incapable of settling their baby (has been the case with all three children) but he tells me it's easy for mums and awful for dads. Am I being unreasonable to think it's his laziness and anger that are the issues? I'm fed up of having to do all the parenting of any child when they are upset as he's unable to manage his own emotions enough to help. Please help. I'm so lost with it all and staring down another argument if I try and bring any of this up. 😕

Perhaps. But life is never that simple, and he's not so useless once the babies are kids, so I guess my mind focused on the positives and forgot some of the nasty bits which arise when they are babies. We've also had extenuating circumstances with both of our elder children (traumatic wider family events) which happened when they were babies, so I suppose I excused his behaviour as being due to those stressors. Whereas this time it seems more clear that he's just being horrible :(

That my standards are too high and I'm always trying to change him

Well if that's true then why did he have to "convince " you he would be different with this baby? Surely that proves he needs to change...

I know the answer to that question, it was to shut you up and allow him to get on with life exactly how he's always done it.

He likes it that way and shouts at you to get you to back down.

He is abusive.

He is shouting your needs away, his children's too.

He is only putting his needs and wants first and throwing his family a few crumbs when he feels like it...just enough to keep you from leaving him.

He is controlling you with anger so you will shut up about your needs.

He is also gaslighting you by telling you it's normal and you are overreacting.

He does not respect you, I'm sorry you are living this, it is most definitely not a normal relationship.

he's not so useless once the babies are kids, so I guess my mind focused on the positives and forgot some of the nasty bits which arise when they are babies.

Take the kids out of it, this man ignores your needs, he is not a partner to you. Partners keep each other afloat. He let's you sink.

Yeah we have, but he says he tries not to shout and he gets very defensive about his anger. He on some level knows the impact, but when I try and talk in detail he will say that I'm rubbing his nose in it, or kind of indicates he hasn't hurt us. Which I challenge that emotional hurt can be as bad as physical hurt.

Surely by the third child he must know babies love movement and know the minute you’ve sat down!

I breastfed and my husband did all the night nappy changes etc
He needs to stop making excuses

You would have thought he would have figured that out, even ignoring the amount of times I've suggested it. His Dad even mentioned to him in a crowded room you can see who is holding the baby by the rocking motion!

Thank you for taking the time to write that reply. I think you're right, but I needed some of that pointing out to me

This made me cry. That sounds so very lovely. I'm so pleased for you that you've got such a kind partner now

I'm so sorry your partner treats you like this 😔 it's not ok for him to shout at you, especially in front of your children, what a horrible atmosphere for them to grow up in. The fact that he can't be bothered to walk about rocking the baby but just wants to lie on the sofa says it all really. He's selfish and lazy and expects you to do all the hard stuff. Do you really want to stay in this relationship?

No relationship is perfect. Me and dp had a pretty rocky relationship before the kids - but it was in no way one sided. We would shout, we would make up. We've both mellowed a huge amount with age and now maybe argue twice a year? But we don't shout anymore. Being shouted at, ridiculed, or made to doubt yourself is not acceptable. End of.

With the baby (ignoring that he's proven himself useless), to example what is normal. Our second is now 2 and still breastfed (first was bottle so I'll ignore him) - she has a ridiculous preference for me, and has wanted me exclusively since birth until the last couple of months when she's finally seeking out her dad to play and cuddle. But, despite this preference, dp has always offered, taken her, walked her etc, and supported me when I just need some time not being touched. Yes she screamed at him (not so much now) but he wouldn't get cross and palm her off, because he's an adult and understands why this preference exists.

I'm so sorry you're lacking physical support after a cesarean especially. Honestly he sounds crap all round.

The bottom line is that he's not going to help with the baby, or not in any useful sense. I think that the best thing would be for him to pick up the slack with your other two children and you care for the baby. Not ideal but at least it will calm things down for the next few months. Would be good to talk to him when you are both calm and not overtired about him raising his voice and how unacceptable it is. Verbal abuse is still abuse and he needs to control his temper.

He’s utterly useless. I did vote YABU though because you had a third child knowing what he was like. At this point it’s like blaming a puppy for pissing on the carpet.

He sounds a horrible, angry and abusive man. I just couldn’t stay with someone like that (didn’t).

Do you have any family who could help you to leave.

OP, take no notice of anyone on this thread saying 'some people aren't good with babies'. Women have no choice but to be 'good with babies' when it's their own child. Why should the fathers have a get out clause?

It doesnt matter if you challenge him or not, your children will still grow up thinking his abusive behaviour is normal,

Please dont make the mistake in thinking that "challenging" him will show your children anything other than ..... it's okay for a man to shout at a woman when hes angry

He gets angry saying the baby is ridiculous......
Please tell us he really comes into his own once the kids get older and he's an amazing dad once out of the baby stage.

Bloody hell OP he's a grade A twat

No, this abusive piece of shit has done what they all do - ground you down so much you start to think this is normal, acceptable behaviour.

I agree. All this ‘it’s instinctive to women and not men’ certainly did not apply to my own DH who was an equal parent from day 1. Even when I was breast feeding he was there awake in the night just to be a support and wild horses couldn’t tear him away from doing anything with the children and being there for them.

My question is why do women continue having multiple children with useless, pointless men? That is three more kids growing up in society with a dysfunctional idea of what male and female relationships are like. All they know is that men can’t be expected to do anything and anger towards overwrought domestically enslaved women is fine. Depressing.

Do you need him op? What would life be without him? Because I’d say here’s the baby sling, every idiot and their grandparents know babies like being walked around not being sat down. You either put our baby in that sling and lovingly carefully walk them around for an hour every single night or you have 15 minutes to pack a bag and go. The older two won’t miss you and I’m starting to think I wont either. The first thing I’ll do is tell everyone we know that you refuse to do anything for baby or the kids and shout at me if I ever ask you to. Make a choice; you have 13 minutes left. Remember I said every single night. This is the start of your being the dad you said you would be when you convinced me to have another child with you. I know it was silly of me to believe you but here we are and I’m holding you to it. 11 minutes.

YANBU. He’s crap, not pulling his weight and will complain when they’re older and have no bond.

I probably wouldn’t have had more children with him in these circumstances.

My DH was a bit like this, not as bad, but nowhere near as patient or soothing as many of my friends DH’s. It makes me incredibly sad for my DS, though they get on well now. I resent DH for it, and haven’t forgiven how much he let me and DS down when DS was a baby.

We haven’t had any more children.

Sorry those saying "oh it's harder for dad at first" is bollocks. It's not, only if they choose it to be. With both my children my partner has been extremely hands on, in fact with the first he was the way better parent when she was a baby. With my second I came home from hospital and once the eldest was settled I said I'm off to bed too (hadn't slept while in hospital) and he took over with baby while I caught up on sleep. Yes everyone gets tired that is normal but he needs to get on with it.

My thought exactly.

"But is it normal for a baby to scream bloody murder with their Dad at two months old" - no, not in my experience. but Dads need to do it from day 1, and they need to persevere with it. I try and get out for a walk every day on my own whilst DH has baby, it's worked really well for us. Everyone has to learn to be a parent. I see so many mums who hover/fuss whilst their partner holds the baby, and takes baby back the second they cry, or they criticise the partner - this is so stupid as how will they ever learn!

exactly - as though it is the baby being deliberately difficult

This