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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weirded friend out, should I apologise?

27 replies

Wavyhair77 · 30/04/2024 15:19

I've suffered a bit with self image lately, I'm trying to do what I can to feel better and I've just started medication.
I was talking to a male friend on WhatsApp and he could see that I was down. I ended up telling him I'd been struggling lately but that I knew it was irrational and that it would surely improve soon/sometimes we get in our head a bit.

He didn't reply and changed the subject, I do understand that. He likely didn't know what to say, it happens. However he's been very cagey since then and I guess I've weirded him out.

Should I apologise? He literally hasn't spoken to me since. Once he changed the subject I followed the new subject, I didn't mention it again.

We get told to talk to people when we're feeling down, but I guess that means only professionals. He's also talked to me about personal issues, and having to see the doctor, he didn't say what they were but I didn't ask.

Aibu? I just feel a bit embarrassed and this kind of thing makes me want to keep everything to myself.

OP posts:
foodglorious · 30/04/2024 15:21

No - Find a new friend.

JuanTabo · 30/04/2024 15:22

Maybe he’s having a tough time too. I don’t think you were being unreasonable at all, hope you find a more empathetic listening ear next time.

Original poster
Wavyhair77 · 30/04/2024 15:22

I wasn't expecting to him say 'oh you're soo beautiful ' or something, it's not like that between us.
As I say I didn't bang on about it and I recognised it was just me being silly.

OP posts:
BubziOwl · 30/04/2024 15:23

Maybe he just thought you didn't want to go into it further so tried to just move the conversation on? What you've put in your op that you said to him sounds like the message was "thanks for noticing I wasn't feeling myself, yes I am a but down, but I will be fine so don't worry"

Original poster
Wavyhair77 · 30/04/2024 15:23

JuanTabo · 30/04/2024 15:22

Maybe he’s having a tough time too. I don’t think you were being unreasonable at all, hope you find a more empathetic listening ear next time.

Thank you. Maybe he is, I told him he could always talk to me about anything if he wanted, but he hasn't and I won't push the issue.
I know he's very paranoid about 'me too' kind of stuff and always worries about stuff towards women being taken the wrong way so it could be something to do with that maybe.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wavyhair77 · 30/04/2024 15:24

BubziOwl · 30/04/2024 15:23

Maybe he just thought you didn't want to go into it further so tried to just move the conversation on? What you've put in your op that you said to him sounds like the message was "thanks for noticing I wasn't feeling myself, yes I am a but down, but I will be fine so don't worry"

Possibly, but he's been cold and off in convo ever since :(

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 30/04/2024 15:25

How long have you known him?

Have you met irl?

BrieOnToast · 30/04/2024 15:25

Based on what you've said, he just sounds a bit emotionally immature, didn't know what to say, so just pretended you hadn't said it. I think an apology would just make him feel even more awkward.

If he's happy to talk about his problems, then clearly he thinks it's OK for friends to discuss these things. So either he's not mature enough to help someone else through their problems doesn't care enough about you to talk about yours.

Fromage · 30/04/2024 15:25

He doesn't know how to respond - if he feels 'weirded out' that's his business, and not your responsibility. Don't apologise.

He's telling you he's not that sort of friend. Which is a shame but it's good to know who your real friends are and who can support you - sadly it's not him.

I hope you're feeling better soon.

Original poster
Wavyhair77 · 30/04/2024 15:25

Terrribletwos · 30/04/2024 15:25

How long have you known him?

Have you met irl?

Known him about 7 months and yes met quite a few times irl. He's told me all kinds of stuff about his family, dating and personal life.

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 30/04/2024 15:26

I wouldn't worry about it, focus on you.

Don't take this as a "don't talk to people", everyone is different, everyone has different comfort zones, you just got outside his, that doesn't mean you can't talk to anyone. You've no idea why you spooked him, maybe touched a nerve, maybe he's been there or seen there with someone close, he may come back round but let that be his choice.

If anything I'd say "thanks for the ear the other night, really helped. "

Find the positive rather than the negative.

That way, he doesn't feel compelled to respond and you have put it out there that you appreciate the input. Thanks are always more positive than apologies.

Original poster
Wavyhair77 · 30/04/2024 15:26

Terrribletwos · 30/04/2024 15:25

How long have you known him?

Have you met irl?

Yeah you're right, maybe I should just pretend it never happened. I think it's because I made reference to how I'm looking.

OP posts:
Freakinfraser · 30/04/2024 15:27

I guess you told him more than simply you were struggling and it would pass? You provided context?

Stainglasses · 30/04/2024 15:28

No need to apologise - just move on. We are always learning about other people and what they can and cannot manage !

Original poster
Wavyhair77 · 30/04/2024 15:29

Sorry quoted the wrong thing

OP posts:
Original poster
Wavyhair77 · 30/04/2024 15:30

He's told me stuff like his Dad abandoned him as a child, about break ups, all sorts.
I basically implied I'm struggling with how I look, which is true sadly.

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 30/04/2024 15:30

So, you have met him irl. How was he? Did you have conversations about anything indepth?

Terrribletwos · 30/04/2024 15:31

Ah, crossed post, I see you did talk.

You say you are struggling with how you look?

Eviebeans · 30/04/2024 15:41

Sometimes people find it easier to share their “stuff” than to know how to respond when others do the same- especially if you haven’t done it before

Eviebeans · 30/04/2024 15:43

he may have gone into panic mode with not knowing what to say if it was about how you look

5128gap · 30/04/2024 15:46

No, don't apologise, what the point? You struggle at times, he has no interest/patience/empathy with people who struggle so you are not compatible, and not really 'friends' as even if he was 'weirded out' he should at least have had the courtesy to respond to you.

KreedKafer · 30/04/2024 16:01

Wavyhair77 · 30/04/2024 15:23

Thank you. Maybe he is, I told him he could always talk to me about anything if he wanted, but he hasn't and I won't push the issue.
I know he's very paranoid about 'me too' kind of stuff and always worries about stuff towards women being taken the wrong way so it could be something to do with that maybe.

Show quote history

I know he's very paranoid about 'me too' kind of stuff and always worries about stuff towards women being taken the wrong way so it could be something to do with that maybe.

The fact that you think this might be the issue is really making me wonder exactly what you said to him.

Were you asking him for reassurance about your appearance? Maybe he thought you were fishing for compliments or trying to flirt with him.

The whole dynamic between the two of you sounds quite odd to me.

daffodilesque · 30/04/2024 16:05

No, don't apologise, just don't talk to him about that stuff again - he doesn't sound like someone you can trust with it. Not all friends are.

Original poster
Wavyhair77 · 30/04/2024 17:05

Oh no, definitely not fishing for compliments. I know how to do that if I really wanted to! Genuinely felt a bit grim lately. But I do feel it's getting a bit better fortunately.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 30/04/2024 17:58

Perhaps he wasn't sure what to say, and was afraid it would be the wrong thing?!