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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP joining me for funeral?

42 replies

countingclams · 30/04/2024 14:58

Since covid, my partner has become practically a recluse, suffering with depression and anxiety. He works from home and goes out to the corner shop but that's pretty much it. We had a holiday planned 18 months ago and he pulled out the morning we were due to fly so I ended up going alone. I do most things without him now.

A very close family member has passed away and the funeral is going to be in a couple of weeks, but four hours' drive from home. I know I am going to find this funeral very difficult, but I am so conflicted about him coming with me.

Everyone else in my immediate family will have their spouses and kids with them, so I would be on my own if he doesn't come. That loneliness is hard to handle during good events, let alone difficult ones like a funeral.

If he does come, I'm going to feel like I've forced him, or that I need to look after him which may end up making me feel more stressed and upset, or even resentful that I'm worrying about him at a time when he should be looking after me.

Would you ask/expect him to come? Or would it be simpler to go alone?

YABU- of course he should go with you.
YANBU- leave him at home

OP posts:
Yellowhammer09 · 30/04/2024 15:02

I voted YABU. He's being unreasonable to not go with you, but I totally understand why you'd want to leave him at home to avoid stress or even resentment. Quite frankly, you shouldn't have to ask him to go with you, it should be assumed or even initiated by him.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

Lorelaigilmore88 · 30/04/2024 15:03

I would go alone. Yes it would be nice if he could be there to support you, but if this is his first time out in 18 months and its very far away, there's a risk he could have some sort of panic or anxiety attack and then you would have that to contend with on an already difficult day.
If he is feeling overwhelmed how much support is he going to be really anyway?

exomoon · 30/04/2024 15:19

I would go alone. You don’t want to have to take care of him at a funeral for your close relative.

What is he doing to get better? Has he been to the GP?

This is no kind of life.

Original poster
countingclams · 30/04/2024 15:39

Thanks for the replies.

@exomoon He takes medication but supplements with alcohol which I think he shouldn't be having with his antidepressants. He doesn't want to engage with talking therapy.

@Yellowhammer09 and @Lorelaigilmore88 , what you've both said is pretty much the way I'm thinking too. There was a family event just after things opened up are lockdowns that I was so excited about. We were halfway through the two hour drive and he told me to pull over on the motorway because he was going to be sick. We ended up going home. I'd imagine something like that would happen again.

OP posts:
TheChosenTwo · 30/04/2024 15:45

I think in order to focus on what you’re there for I’d be in favour of him not going.
The last thing anyone will need at a funeral is your dh having a panic attack and vomiting 💐

mitogoshi · 30/04/2024 15:49

Whilst I would suggest asking him if he would like to accompany you, I wouldn't force the issue as you'll end up having to look after him, I would also be prepared to go alone even if he initially agreed to come.

Are you getting some support with this, it's no life for you

Original poster
countingclams · 30/04/2024 15:58

I don't really have anywhere to turn for support and I've been distracted by the illness and death of my loved one, which has taken up almost all my time outside of work. I'd stuck it out thinking things would get better over time but it doesn't seem to be changing.

OP posts:
meganorks · 30/04/2024 16:03

Even if he said he would come, you can't really rely on that with past examples. So better to just go alone I think.

Whatsitcalled38 · 30/04/2024 16:05

YANBU in wanting some support, but even if he comes with you, he won't be providing that support. From what you said of your last journey I'd absolutely say the same thing would happen. What would you do, miss the funeral or leave him at the Services to find his own way home?

It doesn't sound like this relationship is helping either of you anymore and he'd probably be more motivated to sort himself out to get back on the dating scene.

saraclara · 30/04/2024 16:11

He can't support you. You'll end up supporting him (that's if you even get as far as the funeral).

So yes, you need to go alone. I'm sorry that you've lost someone important.

gamerchick · 30/04/2024 16:15

Tbh a death has a way of making you revaluate life I think. You cant risk him making you miss the funeral but if he did, you might revaluate the relationship. This isn't a life OP. He's not willing to help himself, is this going to be it forever for you? I probably wouldn't risk it. Means you can't risk it for anything, ever.

I'm sorry for your loss.

BobbyBiscuits · 30/04/2024 16:22

Firstly, sorry for your loss. I had a similar thing with my DH where he agreed to go to my aunties funeral, had his suit on and all, but then just couldn't handle going. Same thing happened for his own grandmother's. I think if you try and make him go, he will just bail at the last minute. He also may well not be all that supportive if you did get him along. Simply through his own anxieties.
Could you invite a close friend? Or pair up with another attendee/s like meet them somewhere en route and turn up together? I've brought a friend along to family funerals for support before, even if they didn't know the person. I'm sure if you explained to the others that you could do with company then something could be arranged.

DilemmaDelilah · 30/04/2024 16:22

I would plan on going alone. If he wants to go with you that is up to him, but you need to make it clear to him that if he goes with you you will not be turning back if he feels he can't make it. He can either continue with the journey and stay in the car, or you can drop him off at a train station if that is possible. You need to do this and should not have to deal with his difficulties or allow them to stop you.

AliceKyteler · 30/04/2024 16:24

If he's a heavy/long term drinker chances are he's deficient in thiamine (Estimated 80% of heavy drinkers)
Thiamine deficiency causes nerve problems, depression, anxiety etc. It becomes a cycle of self medicating because of nerve problems and alcohol causing them. If he wants to try and help himself he needs to take thiamine supplements.
Back to you though I would go by myself. I'm so sorry you don't have the support you deserve but it sounds like you will end up looking after him when someone should be looking after you.
Very sorry for your loss OP.

Original poster
countingclams · 30/04/2024 16:27

Thank you everyone, your replies are making me a bit weepy.

@DilemmaDelilah, that's a really good idea. I don't even know if he'll want to try coming, but if he says he will, I will make it clear that I won't be turning around or not going myself to appease him.

@AliceKyteler , I've never heard of that before, but he has always been quite a heavy drinker. Before we met, he worked in an office with a lunchtime piss-up culture (late 90s/early 2000s) and has always been fond of wine. I might suggest he takes a supplement to see if it helps.

OP posts:
SpeedyDrama · 30/04/2024 16:34

This isn’t a partnership though, is it. A parent is there through the good and the bad, if you’re only there for his needs and no leeway for your own, is it something worth continuing?

I agree with a previous poster, I’d see if a friend or such could come with for support.

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2024 16:35

Seriously, after the funeral, you need to evaluate this relationship because it's ruining your life

1987qwerty · 30/04/2024 16:38

I think you need to seriously review your relationship. It seems very one sided and you deserve to be supported. He seems unwilling to help himself and will only get worse.

BloodyAdultDC · 30/04/2024 16:39

This is no life for you op.

Plan to go to the funeral alone.

Then plan to separate from him.

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 30/04/2024 16:42

This sounds very difficult. Definitely go yourself and worry about the rest later xx

catwithflowers · 30/04/2024 16:45

This sounds harsh but it sounds like you don't have much of a life with him. It's not just about the funeral is it? I think I would leave him under these circumstances ☹️.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 30/04/2024 17:50

@countingclams you cannot help those who will not try to help themselves!!! dont believe there is anything wrong with him now and he just cannot be bothered! how old is he??

Riverlee · 30/04/2024 17:52

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2024 16:35

Seriously, after the funeral, you need to evaluate this relationship because it's ruining your life

This. Sounds no fun. What does he bring to your life?

Riverlee · 30/04/2024 17:54

And sorry for your loss.

If it’ four hour drive, can you go by train if you don’t fancy driving. Also, don’t do it in a day, but plan to stay overnight, one or two nights.

BogRollBOGOF · 30/04/2024 18:14

Leave him at home for your sake. You don't need the additional risk of complications by trying to take him.

With the misuse of alcohol and lack of engagement at addressing his issues, I'd be evaluating the future of the relationship. He's not acting in partnership and a mutual support.

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