DP joining me for funeral?

[countingclams]

Since covid, my partner has become practically a recluse, suffering with depression and anxiety. He works from home and goes out to the corner shop but that's pretty much it. We had a holiday planned 18 months ago and he pulled out the morning we were due to fly so I ended up going alone. I do most things without him now.

A very close family member has passed away and the funeral is going to be in a couple of weeks, but four hours' drive from home. I know I am going to find this funeral very difficult, but I am so conflicted about him coming with me.

Everyone else in my immediate family will have their spouses and kids with them, so I would be on my own if he doesn't come. That loneliness is hard to handle during good events, let alone difficult ones like a funeral.

If he does come, I'm going to feel like I've forced him, or that I need to look after him which may end up making me feel more stressed and upset, or even resentful that I'm worrying about him at a time when he should be looking after me.

Would you ask/expect him to come? Or would it be simpler to go alone?

YABU- of course he should go with you.
YANBU- leave him at home

Please don't take him, this is a time to focus on your needs for once. Your family will support you, no one is alone at a funeral.

And while you're with your family, talk to them. You aren't in a relationship, you're on a one way street to hell with a drinker. And until he decides to help himself, he's dragging you down to the depths of misery with him.

Go alone as I think you are alone in this relationship now.

It sounds like he needs some help and to see the GP.

Agree with this. It sounds like you're alone anyway.

Very sorry for your loss.

I'd go alone as this would probably be too much for him.

But long term I'd think are you happy with this?

I don’t mind driving and the service and wake will be in the middle of nowhere, so it’s easier to have the car. Yes, I’ll probably stay there for a few days, though.

He’s in his early 50s, so not old by any stretch. Just very stuck in his ways.

He’s got potentially another thirty years of ‘being stuck in his ways’. Do you want this? Life is for living, not hibernating.

Fifty olds nowadays are going to festivals, buying motor homes, exploring the countryside, watching live sport, having city breaks, going to the theatre etc.

If it's a 4 hr journey, it's a lot for a recluse. Ithink he will struggle. You don't need the stress at a funeral. I would not take him.

When I attended the funeral of a close relative a 4 hour drive away, I was single. It was a drive I'd done many times, often in quite emotional circumstances, and I thought I'd be fine. Thankfully, an amazing friend put her foot down and insisted in going with me to support me, as on the day, I don't know how I would have done it alone.

Hi all, just wanted to give you an update. He decided not to come and I went alone. It was hard but I think the right decision for us both.

I know I need to end the relationship but feeling numb and stuck. I’m not taking good care of myself and worry I’m getting depressed myself. How do I break up with him when I know it will financially be shit for him, but fine for me?

I think you just owe it to yourself to leave, his money situation will have to figure itself out. You can't stay with him for that reason alone or you'll become miserable (which is also worse for him)

You can try set yourself a timeline. Get your heart/head set on what to do and mind yourself. Lean on Mumsnet too and good luck x

Thank you for coming back, i haven't read the replies but I think that you've tried hard enough. If it's no better it will never be better so you need to put yourself first for a while and split.

I think you should talk this over with a therapist, and put a plan in place. Have a place to go and your essential belongings moved before you tell him.

@countingclams

i think it was the best decision, im sorry you needed to though.

Do you still love him?

I think you do need to separate, it's no life for you as things are and if he's not ready to help himself, there's nothing you can do.

How about something like...

Enough is enough. You are refusing help, whilst drinking yourself into an early grave. You won't leave the house and I've had enough, I need to get out of this relationship before you take me down with you.

i think you need to be fairly blunt, totally clear & have a plan in place.

you can't sacrifice you life for someone who won't help themselves.

How do I break up with him when I know it will financially be shit for him, but fine for me?
You don't worry about him, in the way he's not worried about you or your feelings or needs for some time.

I think the stress and worry about the practicalities of breaking up is holding me back. I still care very much about him and don't want to screw him over, but I'm also unhappy and he doesn't seem to notice or care.

He's said many times over the years that he doesn't want to move house again (we've been here for about 10 years) but he can't afford the mortgage alone, can't afford to buy me out either. Does that mean I have to carry on paying for the mortgage and also somehow find somewhere else to live? Can you force someone to sell their home?

You're b obviously a caring person, but he’ll no longer be your responsibility.

If he can't afford the mortgage, he’ll have to sell and find somewhere cheaper, or extend the mortgage, or get a lodger. Plenty of options.

Stop putting obstacles in the way. They’ll be for him to sort out, not you.