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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go on holiday?

26 replies

summerwentaway · 30/04/2024 11:10

My DP is receiving an inheritance and is paying for a home repair with this which needs done and costs around £25k. I don't have much in savings so can't really contribute to it but plan to pay him half back over time. He doesn't want to go on holiday this year but I do and was planning to go on a city break with a friend. Holiday would be about £1k and I plan to pay him back in installments over next few years but wondering if I am being unreasonable and should be giving him all my savings etc to pay him back as quick as possible but i work hard and really need a break. AIBU to go on holiday when he is paying for that?

OP posts:
PickledPurplePickle · 30/04/2024 11:11

Ask him

Explain that you want / need a holiday

ZipZapZoom · 30/04/2024 11:13

I'd be pretty annoyed if I paid 25K for a home repair that I'm guessing is pretty important and my other half contributed nothing to the repair but instead then spent a grand on a holiday. I doubt many people would be happy about that realistically and yes I'd think you were taking the piss.

SwingTheMonkey · 30/04/2024 11:19

What do you mean, you’re paying him back? All of it? Whose house is it?

Original poster
summerwentaway · 30/04/2024 11:19

I would be paying him half of the repair cost over the next few years. We jointly own the house

OP posts:
marzipanlover81 · 30/04/2024 11:20

going by your other thread about how tight he is

i doubt he’ll even lend it to you

SwingTheMonkey · 30/04/2024 11:25

Gosh do people really insist on that? I’ve inherited in the past few years and didn’t think twice about using some of the money on the house. I’d never have considered asking my oh to stump up half of it.

Anyway, the only way you’ll know if he’s ok with you using your money to go away, is if you ask him.

BiIIIie · 30/04/2024 16:06

I'd never ask my DH for this, if I inherited money and wanted to put it in to the house why in a million years would I expect my DH to go and find money he didn't inherit to pay me back. This doesn't sound like a team.

lightsactionsleep · 30/04/2024 16:13

Off topic but when my ex husband said he would lend me money for my share of house repairs/doing it up and I could pay him back, I realised we were not a team. We were married and you're not, but ultimately you're meant to be a team, to the extent you've bought a house together.

G123456789 · 30/04/2024 16:28

Other people's finances boggle my mind. If you have committed to buying a house together, surely most money becomes our money.

I can understand split finances if parties have children from previous relationships and there is a wish to guarantee inheritance, so if someone's first partner dies, the kids still inherit her share on things.

But when you are a couple with a house, surely you share everything apart from a bit of pocket money?

So yes you should be able to go on holiday and no you shouldn't have to pay him back.

Original poster
summerwentaway · 30/04/2024 16:30

@BiIIIie @lightsactionsleep glad for these perspectives as that is part of why I am wondering if I am unreasonable. For me, he is not going to be struggling for money but then I am expected to scrimp every penny to pay him back half and felt like I was unreasonable to go on holiday rather than send all my extra cash to him. I can see both sides and would say it's fair for me to contribute money over time but I'd hope not at the expense of having some enjoyment in life.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 30/04/2024 16:33

Just have a trust deed drawn up reflecting he gets £25k from any future proceeds of sale and splitting the remainder 50/50. Do you even want the renovations done?

Hadalifeonce · 30/04/2024 16:39

I have used part of my inheritance to pay for major things re our house, and other projects. It didn't even enter my head to ask for half of it from DH. Where was he supposed to find a large amount of money?

Original poster
summerwentaway · 30/04/2024 17:06

@Hadalifeonce yes that's my issue is it would pretty much require me to save as much as possible for 2 years and give all to him.

OP posts:
BiIIIie · 30/04/2024 17:14

ZipZapZoom · 30/04/2024 11:13

I'd be pretty annoyed if I paid 25K for a home repair that I'm guessing is pretty important and my other half contributed nothing to the repair but instead then spent a grand on a holiday. I doubt many people would be happy about that realistically and yes I'd think you were taking the piss.

This is not how marriages generally work. Where do you think the other person is magicing £25k from just because you got given it and decided to put it into the house. That now means the other person's life goes on hold? Doesn't sound like a good marriage to me!

Roundandroundthegard3n · 30/04/2024 17:15

Wow what a way to live.

He sounds like a miser.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 30/04/2024 17:16

His and hers money arrangements always baffle me.

In a family you share your resources.

😳

nimski · 30/04/2024 17:44

Why aren't you a team? I used 25k Inheritance on an extension, my DH doesn't need to 'pay me back'. Incomes are pooled (DH earns more) to pay for holidays etc - we are a Family, we are equals?!

ZipZapZoom · 30/04/2024 18:13

BiIIIie · 30/04/2024 17:14

This is not how marriages generally work. Where do you think the other person is magicing £25k from just because you got given it and decided to put it into the house. That now means the other person's life goes on hold? Doesn't sound like a good marriage to me!

Show quote history

In my defence at no point did she say he expected her to pay the same amount as him or pay him back half of the money. All I was saying is if one person in a marriage put a very large amount towards work which obviously needs doing and the other decides to spend their money on a holiday instead of putting some of it towards the repairs I would think they were taking the piss.

It's very different if he's demanding she pays half of the amount back to him but she didn't say that initially.

2gorgeousboys · 30/04/2024 18:15

Another one baffled by the division of finances. DH used his inheritance to clear our mortgage, I used a much smaller inheritance to pay for a family holiday. No one is paying anyone back for anything.

Baneofmyexistence · 30/04/2024 18:37

I know it’s completely unhelpful but he is not a ‘partner’ if he wants the money back. He is looking after himself only. I could not live with separate finances. Any money in our house goes into one joint account and it’s all family money.

BiIIIie · 30/04/2024 18:52

ZipZapZoom · 30/04/2024 18:13

In my defence at no point did she say he expected her to pay the same amount as him or pay him back half of the money. All I was saying is if one person in a marriage put a very large amount towards work which obviously needs doing and the other decides to spend their money on a holiday instead of putting some of it towards the repairs I would think they were taking the piss.

It's very different if he's demanding she pays half of the amount back to him but she didn't say that initially.

Show quote history

It's definitely not taking the piss. It's called being a team in marriage. I am sure the DH would be welcome to a holiday if he wanted to. I am sure if the OP came into money she wouldn't hesitate to put it into the house.

Original poster
summerwentaway · 30/04/2024 18:56

ZipZapZoom · 30/04/2024 18:13

In my defence at no point did she say he expected her to pay the same amount as him or pay him back half of the money. All I was saying is if one person in a marriage put a very large amount towards work which obviously needs doing and the other decides to spend their money on a holiday instead of putting some of it towards the repairs I would think they were taking the piss.

It's very different if he's demanding she pays half of the amount back to him but she didn't say that initially.

Show quote history

To be fair in my OP I did say I plan to pay him back over time. The issue I felt is the immediately having to pay back and as others have said it doesn't seem like we are partners as I wouldn't do the same.

If I had came into money and had plenty savings I wouldn't ever make my partner struggle to repay me which is what I feel is happening just now.

OP posts:
DaniMontyRae · 30/04/2024 19:00

Why are so many posters saying things about how marriage is working as a team and they would never expect their husband to pay them back. The OP said partner not husband.

ZipZapZoom · 30/04/2024 19:01

summerwentaway · 30/04/2024 18:56

To be fair in my OP I did say I plan to pay him back over time. The issue I felt is the immediately having to pay back and as others have said it doesn't seem like we are partners as I wouldn't do the same.

If I had came into money and had plenty savings I wouldn't ever make my partner struggle to repay me which is what I feel is happening just now.

Show quote history

Yes but I took that to mean you felt like you wanted to contribute and give him some towards the repairs so you felt like you'd contributed but couldn't at present. Not that he expected you to actually pay half. The two are very different situations.

The whole way your relationship works around his and hers costs is just bizarre to me. If he inherited the money and you put in what you could afford that makes sense but that's not how you're doing things? At the point of owning a property surely money should just be joint.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/04/2024 19:06

If it's his house and he has chosen to get works done which are not urgent or completely necessary, then no, I wouldn't be contributing at all.
If it's a joint house, and you both agree that all of the work needs to be done now ( although what repairs cost 25k?) then yes you should contribute. If you think the work needs doing but not immediately, you need to negotiate a time frame. How many quotes have you had?