AIBU to be a little hurt after FIL funeral?

[Stillworkinglifeout]

Morning! So, I guess I’m here hoping to find out whether I am right to be upset or not and how others might feel finding themselves in a similar position. Apologies if it ends up being a long post.

I just need to preface this by saying that although to maybe understand the full situation I need to give a bit of backstory, please don’t feel the need to criticise or give me an opinion on what I should have done 8 years ago even though I probably know what I should have.

So, DH and I have been married 5 years. Together almost 12 and I have 3 children from a previous (abusive) marriage. Met current DH during the end of previous marriage and for context there is an age gap (he’s 22 years older than me).

First 4 years were turbulent to say the least, he had been single for a very long time and had a hard time with going no contact with several FWBs. During this time I had moved 300 miles away (with my kids who were 2, 1 & 3 months) from family to be with him. He started to have health problems and could no longer work so I found full time shift work in the local hospital working lates & nights to support the family and he was brilliant with the kids. I thought everything had settled and was good until I arrived home from a shift early to find a second phone in his pocket with explicit messages, pictures etc between him and multiple people he promised he no longer had contact with. So yes I know that should have been where it ended and I was ready to pack up and admit I had failed…but then there was the begging, will do anything to change etc. and he did, he sought help and after 3 years of no issues and him turning himself around, we got married.

Now since phone-gate and getting help, I have had no reasons or suspicions to doubt anything.

FIL became very ill 2 months ago and we (DH and I) helped to care for him, MIL was unable due to age, she didn’t want to see him like that, and BIL/SIL had absolutely no interest, never even visited or FaceTimed. We were changing his pads, cleaning his poo and wee, getting him dressed, the whole shebang and I have zero resentment for any of it.

He passed away peacefully with DH and I at his side and we began making all the arrangements at the request of MIL who couldn’t face it. Again no help from BIL/SIL. I even ended up writing the eulogy and making sure I was with MIL as often as I could be to do shopping make sure she was ok.

Funeral was yesterday, DH ex-wife attended. They divorced 30 years ago, no children from the marriage but she (and her husband) has for the last 30 years visited in laws weekly and still calls them mum and dad. Again something I think is a bit weird but maybe that’s just me?

DH wandered off in the church and left me and my children to sit on our own. Then following the service, I could visibly see him staring at her constantly, no attempt to hide it. Then at the wake, again he pretty much left me and kids to it, went out of his way to show her where the loo was and then they were ‘working the room’ albeit not directly together greeting family members etc.

I have mentioned it in passing this morning and get told I am crazy - which is what I was told when I was trying to find out about phone gate all those years ago - so would you feel peed off or unreasonable for feeling upset about what happened at the funeral? Am I being paranoid?

Sorry it’s such a long post I guess I had more than I thought to get off my chest.

Goodness me, what is it going to take for you to leave this man? I mean this kindly because of your past but you need to find your self respect.

When he wandered off in the church where did he go? Showing someone the toilet isn't a crime. Greeting family members is the norm. Apart from you saying he was staring at her, nothing else about yesterday seems an issue. However, you've gave us context for a reason. For everything else you've said about him I have no idea why you're still with him.

So I'm gonna ignore the shit show of the relationship as a whole becuase i don't think you need dragging down right now.

The specific funeral behaviour and nothing else. I'd say she behaved weird af. She hasn't been a part of this family for 30 years. Sure she still visits them (and calls them mum and dad- weird) so attended the funeral. That is where it should have ended. "Working the room" like actually making a point of going and speaking and greeting everyone, weird af. I don't even think she should have attended the wake of an exPIL she divorced the kid of 30 years ago.

But mixed in with what you've said about your Hs behaviour. I imagine she's remained in close contact with him too? So it felt normal to him.
I would usually expect the host of a funeral (being your H, the son of the deceased) to be greeting and talking to guests, not sticking to his own family.

Thank you, I already know how everything sounds even before yesterday and know how much of a mug I have been.

But no, they’ve been completely no contact since divorce as it wasn’t an amicable split and no children involved. At least so I’ve always thought, been lead to believe.

Of course I know he needs to speak to family, but some of these people I’ve never even met and not even an introduction of ‘this is my wife’.

Thank you, I hear everything you’re saying and yes probably if it wasn’t for everything else I wouldn’t bat an eyelid. Appreciate hearing others opinions completely.

I don’t think his behaviour at the funeral was inappropriate. You sound understandably jealous about his ex-wife, you don’t say how long they were together for but the crux of it is she might know FIL friends and family a lot better than you do, and I get why that stings. Funerals can do funny things to people. Yeah he might have stared at her longer than appropriate, they were married, he might have realised that he treated her like shit too, and was overcompensating by treating her well at the funeral.

But for the second phone / sexting shit, I would have given him the heave-ho, not married him.

Are you absolutely sure he and his ex wife have had no contact since the divorce?

It's a hard time and hard with you also having the kids to look after. You don't really want to drag the kids to everyone but it is his job to "host" and to talk to everyone.

She was weird, sounds like she still sees herself as one of their children and acted as an equal to your H. But I really wouldn't get too hung up on it.

YANBU. You're a gem OP. Your "D"H isn't.

I had no reason to doubt that previously but who knows?! She has previously dropped in on the in laws and wouldn’t go in the house because DH was there so thought that seemed to confirm what I had thought. I clearly don’t always have the best judgement though 😥

Fgs he’s a piss taker and literally got you cleaning HIS families shit, fuck him and his dirty habits. Get out.

His behaviour at the funeral seems fine. It’s literally everything else about him that’s the problem.

On the surface the funeral him/her was fine. The him/you was not. He should have introduced you as his wife and it's very weird he didn't.

Your backstory sent shivers down my spine. I really hope his whole character changed into a loving man as opposed to you becoming a boiled frog. Try doing the freedom programme, it's recommended for every woman who has been in an abusive relationship as they have a much higher chance of blindly walking straight into another one.

He sounds like a knob. He still has a wandering eye clearly.

Are you even happy with him? It's ok to leave if you aren't happy.

I don't think it's particularly strange for his ex to be there at the funeral - I attended my ex FIL's funeral, and talked to a lot of people I hadn't seen in a while. And I do agree with PP that they stir up unsettling emotions: the realisation of time passing, moments lost, chapters closing, etc. But that's all the more reason for him to make you feel part of the now. The least he could have done was to introduce you to a few people with an acknowledgement of all you'd done for his family ('Have you met my wife, Sally? She's been such a tower of strength to me and Mum...') so he could get on with making sure he'd seen everyone - funerals really are a shit version of weddings in some respects.

Having been through some major bereavements in the last couple of years myself, I cut people a lot of slack for odd behaviour around a parent's death; I know I wasn't myself for a while. But only you know, deep down, if this is just a public display of a general lack of consideration and inclusion in his whole life - and seeing it in the context of other people has just made it too obvious to ignore.

I don’t think you can believe anything he tells you when it comes to things like contact with other women and relationships.

Processing a death in the family is tough and it’s stressful. I’d take a couple of weeks before you do anything, but really have a think about what he brings to your life

Please leave him. This whole set-up is an absolute shit show.

Oh wow, what a shit show. Why are you with him?

This is the answer

This ⬆️

I too went to ex FIL's Funeral, with son. {Grandson}

It was fine.

Totally normal for her to go to the funeral as they were close. Also normal for him to work the room, not her, although if they were super close maybe it is, as they saw her as family. The back story is gross - can’t imagine relocating hundreds of miles with a newborn to move in with some old twat who finds it hard to give up his FWBs. But what’s done is done and if he has changed then I don’t think the funeral thing is a huge issue.

He's just not that into you.
You have been a great convenience to him so he will do a bare minimum to keep you from leaving but that doesn't actually extend to fidelity.

I agree with @eileandubh. Funerals and weddings and family get-togethers are always going to be difficult when you're the second wife because you're likely to be reminded of a time when your partner had another life with other people. It's easy to feel out of it and marginalised.

When someone very old dies the people who congregate to say goodbye will inevitably include those who have known them and each other for years. You, meanwhile, are relatively new to the scene and it's inevitable that when they are talking about the old days that it'll mean nothing to you and will involve people like the ex wife. They know each other well. Perhaps they barely know you. So while I understand how you felt, I also understand that this is something that happens to people in your situation.

By the way, I also kept in contact with a former partner's in-laws for ages after my relationship with their offspring had broken down. I'd got to know and like them and they liked me too and were very upset when we split. I'd go and see them every week or two, help out with shopping and be useful. They were in their 80s and first one and then the other died within about three years. Having been in that sort of position, I feel quite warmly to your DH's ex. Just because she went on seeing the in-laws doesn't mean she perpetuated a relationship with your DH — and I think you know that.

It's absolutely right that the emphasis was on your DH and his mother at the funeral yesterday. He was primarily a bereaved child with an elderly mother to support. It sounds to me as if he did the right thing in supporting her and attending to the guests who knew his father well, and who included his ex. I understand your discomfort, OP, but there are times in our lives when it's appropriate to accept that in certain situations we're supporting cast and not the stars of the show.

I think the thing about his past infidelity is irrelevant to what happened at the funeral. Perhaps you're casting around for reasons to be angry with him for yesterday. No idea if he's still deceiving you: I hope he isn't. But I wouldn't attach any bad motivation to his behaviour at the funeral. @eileandubh is right: even as adults, losing a parent knocks a person for six and people don't always behave as one would hope when they're grieving.

I wish you strength in deciding how to go on from here.

You sound very grounded and self-aware, so him calling you ‘crazy’ for feeling the way you do, to me that rings alarm bells. He might have been totally innocent but that’s an inappropriate response to someone who has already shown they’re willing to work through problems and shows a fundamental lack of respect.

I do not know if you’re 100% on the money about the circulating, working the room is normal, but you’ve got reason to feel sensitive about his attitude towards you/other women and again, a bit of respect for you (taking you with him to meet one or two people, for example) would cost him nothing as far as I can see. I might have thought given what you did for your FIL a decent man would want you by his side.

So, yes, he’s grieving, people can be weird, but it sounds like he takes you for granted. Final scenario -is it possible he felt uncomfortable amongst his peers at having a much younger spouse?