AIBU to be a little hurt after FIL funeral?

[Stillworkinglifeout]

Morning! So, I guess I’m here hoping to find out whether I am right to be upset or not and how others might feel finding themselves in a similar position. Apologies if it ends up being a long post.

I just need to preface this by saying that although to maybe understand the full situation I need to give a bit of backstory, please don’t feel the need to criticise or give me an opinion on what I should have done 8 years ago even though I probably know what I should have.

So, DH and I have been married 5 years. Together almost 12 and I have 3 children from a previous (abusive) marriage. Met current DH during the end of previous marriage and for context there is an age gap (he’s 22 years older than me).

First 4 years were turbulent to say the least, he had been single for a very long time and had a hard time with going no contact with several FWBs. During this time I had moved 300 miles away (with my kids who were 2, 1 & 3 months) from family to be with him. He started to have health problems and could no longer work so I found full time shift work in the local hospital working lates & nights to support the family and he was brilliant with the kids. I thought everything had settled and was good until I arrived home from a shift early to find a second phone in his pocket with explicit messages, pictures etc between him and multiple people he promised he no longer had contact with. So yes I know that should have been where it ended and I was ready to pack up and admit I had failed…but then there was the begging, will do anything to change etc. and he did, he sought help and after 3 years of no issues and him turning himself around, we got married.

Now since phone-gate and getting help, I have had no reasons or suspicions to doubt anything.

FIL became very ill 2 months ago and we (DH and I) helped to care for him, MIL was unable due to age, she didn’t want to see him like that, and BIL/SIL had absolutely no interest, never even visited or FaceTimed. We were changing his pads, cleaning his poo and wee, getting him dressed, the whole shebang and I have zero resentment for any of it.

He passed away peacefully with DH and I at his side and we began making all the arrangements at the request of MIL who couldn’t face it. Again no help from BIL/SIL. I even ended up writing the eulogy and making sure I was with MIL as often as I could be to do shopping make sure she was ok.

Funeral was yesterday, DH ex-wife attended. They divorced 30 years ago, no children from the marriage but she (and her husband) has for the last 30 years visited in laws weekly and still calls them mum and dad. Again something I think is a bit weird but maybe that’s just me?

DH wandered off in the church and left me and my children to sit on our own. Then following the service, I could visibly see him staring at her constantly, no attempt to hide it. Then at the wake, again he pretty much left me and kids to it, went out of his way to show her where the loo was and then they were ‘working the room’ albeit not directly together greeting family members etc.

I have mentioned it in passing this morning and get told I am crazy - which is what I was told when I was trying to find out about phone gate all those years ago - so would you feel peed off or unreasonable for feeling upset about what happened at the funeral? Am I being paranoid?

Sorry it’s such a long post I guess I had more than I thought to get off my chest.

Thank you so much for this, I agree with pretty much all of the replies to my post depending on which cap I am wearing if you like. But your response has helped me see it from another side.

I guess backstory was partly to give explanation as to why I potentially could feel more paranoid that someone else would outside of a situation such as this. I’m not claiming that my potential paranoia is always justified but isn’t out of thin air either if that makes sense?

Genuinely have never, in the last 8 years since our previous issues have ever had a reason to doubt his love for me and the kids since, if there was something to find, trust me I would find it and he knows that. Maybe he’s better at hiding it but he has done real work to change and be a better person since then or maybe I am more of an idiot that I already know I have been previously.

I am still working on myself and any possible issues I have from previous marriage and issues early on in this relationship but in no way would expect to the the star of the show at someone else’s funeral trust me, I guess maybe I had hoped for a bit more reassurance and care from DH yes after growing closer to in laws over the years and helping nurse FIL in final weeks but again could be more to do with my issues and past and I’m looking for reasons to doubt everything?

Thank you from telling it from the other side.

He has given me no reason to doubt him in the last 8 years since our initial issues, he continues to work on himself and this is the first time since then I’ve been given reason to question anything.

Maybe it’s grief from him absolutely understandably and maybe it’s partly that also and has made me too sensitive and ‘reminiscent’ which has dredged up past issues and resentment.

Age gap generally isn’t something that has caused an issue with anyone so can’t see it being that.

I’m happy to accept that I might be wrong but just wanted an outside perspective/consensus to see if I am justified for these feeling or if it could just be a combination of experience making me look for things that might not be there.

Hmm. Ordinarily I'm all for exes staying friends - I just attended my sister's wedding and both my brother's exes were there - after several years each with DB they're our friends too and it was lovely to catch up! I'd be surprised if they didn't attend family funerals or other occasions (only one has a kid with DB if that makes a difference).

But... DB puts his now wife of nearly a decade first, always. As a result they all get on great and were dancing together at the reception, laughing and chatting etc. Because his wife knows ultimately she's his priority.

Your situation sounds very different and I'm sorry. The sexting thing would have made me ditch immediately.

I don't think his behaviour at the funeral sounds particularly suspicious with the ex wife, he probably should have stayed with you and introduced you to family members you haven't met though. But he's grieving his dad and people do sometimes behave oddly or thoughtlessly in grief so I wouldn't read too much into that. Your reaction suggests that although you've both moved past the events of 8 years ago, you still don't fully trust him, which is understandable!

I don't think his behaviour at the funeral was inappropriate really. On the one hand though, I do understand why you'd be hurt if he didn't introduce you. On the other, not everyone he would have interacted with would have been close to the family (otherwise I'm sure you'd have met at some point) and simply acquaintances that he might now even know well, if at all. I can see why he wouldn't seek you out for an introduction. He's just doing what he must as part of the whole situation.

I'd be more worried about the dynamics of the relationship as a whole. You ran from someone TO someone with babies in tow, one of which was only 3 mths. How well could you have known him, especially if you had to move so far away to 'be with him' ? You were vulnerable, needed a saviour and there he was.
He didn't want to give up his FWBs, obviously didn't and got caught.
Honestly, he may very well have stopped but he may have also learnt to be better at hiding things. I'm not sure you are going to know and I'm not sure people who behaved like your DH actually DO change. They just get better at covering tracks 🤷‍♀️
You must be grateful that he 'saved' you and all that goes with that so all that I can suggest is a good, hard and honest look at the relationship and go from there.

Think his ex wife needs to take a step back. Personally I may have attended the funeral but not the wake. Your DH seems as if he is totally diconected from you. Time to leave.

You know the behaviour was odd, your gut tells you that.

Agree. Totally disconnected.
Trust your gut. You know how someone makes you feel inside.
At my father's funeral my best mate later commented how DH wasn't by my side at all, all day. He made me feel lonely when he was with me in general life. I felt happier when he was out of the house
3 months later we split. He had been banging somebody else which I suspected and he carried it on during fathers death and funeral

Although I will agree with others and say that you probably should have left at the time of the messages with ex fwb people etc…., a lot of time has passed since then and you say that you’ve had no reason to doubt him in the eight or so years since all that was resolved. Is that right? So although his behaviour at the funeral was a bit odd and disrespectful, not introducing you to the ex and them behaving like a couple working the room, him staring at her etc, I’m not sure I would draw too many conclusions based just on that. Funerals can be odd occasions. Full of heightened emotions and, sometimes, opening of old wounds/ feelings when it comes to seeing people you might not have seen for years and years. Perhaps he looked at his ex and had affectionate feelings, or felt nostalgic, or thought she looked good, or felt bad because he didn’t treat her well. None of that is really anything to worry about if you trust him and haven’t had any reason to doubt him in all this time. Some people don’t have great social skills. My OH isn’t great at introducing me to people. And it’s hard to remember what’s going expected when you are grieving and dealing with everything else that a funeral brings. It was a time of stress, he almost reverted to acting like she was still his wife.
Talk to him. Tell him how he made you feel
and what you are worried about. Maybe he’ll be able to reassure you. Maybe not, especially if you are still harbouring trust issues regarding his previous behaviours, which would be totally understandable especially if you and he haven’t really worked through it

I agree with you. His behaviour was off. I can understand him not paying you heaps of attention on such a day but there was no need for him to focus on his ex. Listen to your gut.

(And yes, even worse when loaded onto all the other past behaviour.. I am so sorry, he doesn't deserve you)

I think the weirdest thing in all this is his parents staying in touch with the ex-wife to the extent they did when the break up was unfriendly. If the ex, after 12 years, was still friendly enough with your PiL's friends and family to be working the room in a way that you - who have been with him for the last 12 years and were close enough to be involved in FiL's personal care for the last two months - were not, I think that's pretty unusual and would make many wives feel uncomfortable even without any of the history your DH has.

And while that history puts an obvious filter on your DH's actions on the day, I think they could equally well be explained by him grieving but trying to be well mannered in an otherwise awkward situation. I understand why his history gives you pause, but if you haven't had anything else in the last 8 years to make you think this, I don't think the funeral should shake your faith much. People often rely on their partners to "hold the fort" a bit at events like funerals, you're their for him to lean on rather than being an equal guest with your own agenda (like grieving yourself, or being introduced to wider family). It's not ideal, but grief is funny and people are rarely at their best when their parents die.

But the way you talk about that history and especially you saying "even though I probably know what I should have" about the inevitable LTB you seem to have been expecting from posters, makes me wonder how happy you are with the decision you made all those years ago. Even if he has been faithful, are you happy you stayed? Do you want to change?

Red flags, red flags everywhere. I presume you're with this guy for his money, because it doesn't sound like he's a prize in any other area. I'm not trying to be mean, I just think you already know the answer. He's shown a pattern of being unfaithful and as you've said, it didn't feel right.

He isn't invested in you and the kids. You are convenient to him. He has cocklodged while you gave birth to kids and worked. He sounds like a sexual player. He and ex might have an ongoing dalliance. Once a cheater always a cheater.

Thanks, this actually made me laugh because no, he has very little and I have managed to work my way up from the hospital shift work into a senior management position so I fully fund and support everything!

You are not being unreasonable, OP.

I would be really hurt in your position tbh. Now you’ve said you fund everything…I think we know what’s happened. And I’m really sorry, but as PP said - he’s cocklodged and you’re convenient.

Funerals are sad and losing a parent is awful. But that’s no excuse to ignore your family and moon after your ex from thirty years ago.

You and your children deserve better!

I would assume if the divorced 30yrs ago and DH father has only just passed they were pretty much childhood sweethearts?
Known each others families for years, grew up together?
It's unusual now but used to be pretty common for people to call their partners parents mum and dad.....but it does suggest a very close relationship and one she continued after the divorce. It's really more similar so and aunt and uncle etc.

So I would absolutely expect the ex wife to attend the funeral. And she brought her husband I think you said? Perfectly normal.
Of course she circulated and talked to people...she probably knew a lot of people there but hadn't seen then for years. This sounds like normal behaviour at a funeral....and perhaps something you should have been doing too? Thanking people for coming? Although appreciate your kids may have made that difficult.

So I really don't see an issue with any of the recent stuff.

"Thanks, this actually made me laugh because no, he has very little and I have managed to work my way up from the hospital shift work into a senior management position so I fully fund and support everything!"

Wow. Please don't let this guy take advantage of you op.

OP, eight years after he started work on himself you still have trust issues and you still have insecurities. What does he do to help you?

Does he treat you well? Does he love you?