To want an engagement ring?

[IHateGeckosGarage]

I'm probably going to be told I'm BU but just need to hear it if that's the case.

Have been with partner for 12 years and have an 8 month old DD.

During the first ten and a half years my DP hinted and getting engaged a few times. When we were together in the first years, he said at about the fifth anniversary would be a good time to get engaged. That never came about.

There were a few times between five years and ten years where he had a ring measurer and would measure my ring finger to get my size. The last time this happened was when we'd been together about 8 years and he said he was thinking in about a year. Again nothing happened.

Since then we've bought a house and we had our baby. It was his idea for me to remove my coil so it wasn't me trying to trap him for engagement or anything.

When we found out I was pregnant at the start of 2023, we were WA each other as we were both in work and he said "the question is do we need a shotgun wedding?" I replied saying that yes I essentially want to get married before the baby is born. We have a chat about our parents etc and if they were married and nothing else was said for a few days.

So that weekend morning I did my own lkggle research I go UK elopements and made some enquiries. I told him that morning and he was fine with it. It got to the point where we both chose our favourite, we paid the deposit together and while not booked for before birth, it's booked for summer 2024.

I told him from the booking and our discussions that I want an engagement ring. Because it does feel like I've initiated it all. And progressed it all. And I want it to be more traditional in the sense it feels like he has chosen me rather than settled with me when he's got me pregnant.

Since then, for over a year no engagement ring or proposal. He's done overtime to pay for the remaining balance of the wedding. We've discussed the things left over to buy and I've said I'm happy with cheap wedding rings. To that he was like, well I feel bad, isn't your wedding ring meant to be quite expensive and have a jewel. And I said, "no you're thinking about the engagement ring." and to that he said that he didn't know I needed two rings, which is a load of rubbish. And don't get me wrong everyone, I would be happy with a £100 ring, less than that even. but nope.

In the last twelve months he has bought himself a £300 watch, a £400 camera and is currently thinking about saving a £3k deposit for a new car.

I think it's the lack of proposal, the action that is more bothering me actually, which I've realised as I write this.

With the discussion on the rings he said "you know I'm not like that". I'm assuming he means romantic but he actually has been in other ways throughout our relationship. It's just this.

So am I being unreasonable in wanting this as acknowledgment he actually wants to marry me and that I've not tied him down?

He doesn’t want to marry you OP ☹️ sounds like he’s just treading water in life with you. If men want something they make it happen.

He’s dangled the carrot (carat) knowing you want commitment for years and done fuck all about it. How cruel. He doesn’t sound very committed and sounds selfish.

YANBU. Expect him to slither out of the wedding too.
I told my now-DH that I wanted to be married, he managed to sneak measure my finger, order a ring and propose within 6 months. Because he wanted to.

An old proverb goes... You can wake a man who's sleeping. You cannot wake a man who is pretending to sleep.

I'm sorry love but you need to consider whether you want to continue with this charade.

When he said remove your coil you should have said put a ring on my finger first. Now he's got you and a baby yet still no legal commitments. Yanbu to want an engagement ring. Yabu to go ahead with a marriage he doesn't seem to want.

This is weird. Why would he propose? You’re already getting married!

Im really sorry to echo others OP but this doesn’t seem like a man who wants to marry you. As the saying goes, if he wanted to he would have. It’s not as though he’s not had the means or opportunity over the years in which to do so. He’s leading you down the garden path I'm afraid and if marriage is a dealbreaker for you then I’d probably think about making good the steps to move on. You can’t make him want to marry you but all the same he can’t expect you to hang around on empty promises.

I understand that you want a ring and a proposal, would too. But don’t listen to all the posters that come along and will say that he has no intention to get married. He has a baby with you, that’s a pretty big commitment. My DH was the same, never overly excited about the whole getting married thing, but still fully committed. Once we decided to get married, he also thought that no engagement ring is needed (‘you’ll get a different ring anyway in a few months?’), but I made it clear that I’d still love one, and that I intend on wearing them both. Maybe suggest that you go ring shopping together and plan a romantic day for your official proposal?

You’ll have to just tell him you would like an engagement ring asap. Spell it out!

I don't understand why you need a proposal when the wedding is booked! By doing so you've both agreed to get married.
My DPs aunt once said to me, it's not the engagement ring you need to worry about, it's the wedding ring, and actually she's right, too much emphasis is put on the engagement & the ring!

Could it be he's waiting to surprise you with it at the wedding?

You should have insisted on marriage before taking the coil out. You had already been together for a very long time before that. I hope the house is in both your names? Are you going to be working equal amounts once your maternity leave ends?

Hard to say without knowing your DP but I think PP are being a bit harsh here! I have some amazing male friends and my own DP who are all great partners but it just doesn't come easily to them to do big gestures or gifts - it either doesn't occur to them at all or they find it tricky. However all of them would make the effort if their partner clearly communicated this was important, even if they found it stressful. Same as someone who's naturally messy should make the effort for a partner who values tidiness, but it will be a challenge.

The expensive gifts he's bought himself are a question mark, but is it possible he just sees those as needs, especially the watch and car?

My questions for you to think about would be:

• Have you definitely communicated how important this is to you and what you want? Most women I know gave their partners specific ring instructions
• You said he's been working overtime to pay for the wedding, in general do you feel he makes the effort for your relationship and shows that he values you?

We once had a supper party with friends, all long married, and went round the table describe our engagements. Honestly hardly any were ‘traditional’ down on one knee with ring moments. Several were a case of the woman saying that they should get married and therefore they needed a ring.

All of these marriages have lasted well over 30 years and many rings have come and gone. Just tell him you need to go ring shopping for your 2 rings and his 1.

Lots of men are quite clueless about all this. It’s not necessarily an indication that he doesn’t want to marry you. More that he’s a bit hopeless but you probably know that anyway!

Happy wedding and marriage.

🙄 Oh yeah, a baby is DEFINITELY a committment from a man...!!

Let's face it, it's the OP who will be left with the grunt work if her 'D'P ups and leaves.

I'm quite aware that the misers of mumsnet will come out and tell you that you're being unreasonable and impractical, and that marriage is about cold, hard commitment and just be happy you have a husband and they had a wedding that cost 50p and a Haribo engagement ring so stop complaining.

Meanwhile, in the real world, most decent men understand that most women would like to conform to the social convention of receiving an engagement ring. Most men, like facilitating this because they want to male the precious woman in their lives happy, and they want to partaken the convention. Going with the stereotype maybe, but a lot of men feel a sense of pride in being able to provide their fiancée with something valuable, which brings them happiness. This is a given in most normal walks of life, in the Western world anyway, ESPECIALLY if the lady in question had made clear that she would like an engagement ring.

We never really discussed rings before we got engaged. It was a surprise, and my husband had gone to great lengths to select a ring he thought I would love. He isn't romantic or sentimental particularly, but he wanted me to have something beautiful to commemorate the event, and to have forever. I have photos of the proposal. I'm sitting on his knee, in shock, laughing and staring at my ring and he is laughing with tears in his eyes, looking at me looking at the ring. To me, that's what it encapsulates.

In your situation, the lack of ring encapsulates something else. Delve deeper and be honest with yourself. Take a while and look at what he is really saying to you in all the other areas of life where we communicate by our actions. I would exclude having babies with you, as the commitment is to the child and not to you, as such.

I'm sorry, OP. I think you deserve more and deep down you know this. You don't want to enter married life thinking that your husband did it as something to tick off his to-do list, as it will uuravel over time. Proceed with caution 💐

Sorry - he doesn't want to marry you OP - he probably feels pushed into it (not your fault) and also i pregnancy probably sealed it. Sorry OP - i would move on - find someone who really values you and wants to marry you, not dither about.

Exactly. I would have said no baby until we’re married. Simple as that. If you’re fine with never getting there and you’re in a good financial situation if you split, that’s fine. If neither of those is the case, it should be marriage first.

He's been stringing you along for years he doesn't want to marry you I'm sorry to say.

He’s a selfish turd. He knows full well you want a nice, meaningful piece of jewellery to symbolise your engagement and yet he’s ignored that and spent his money on toys for himself.

Is this really the man you want to marry?

I think it's the lack of proposal, the action that is more bothering me actually, which I've realised as I write this.

There was a proposal. From you, and he said yes.

”I go UK elopements and made some enquiries. I told him that morning and he was fine with it.”

If he doesn't want to marry her then why is he working overtime to pay for the wedding?

What a tight, selfish, wee prick he is. My first thought is pawn the watch. Nothing to advise, he’s trying to use ignorance as an excuse…of course he knows how these things are done, he just doesn’t want to.

If I was working overtime to pay for a wedding, and my fiancé pawned something of mine because they wanted a piece of jewellery, I assure you the wedding would not be going ahead.

I don't think that's the case, he's just comfortable and the romance has long been dropped.

OP if you want an engagement ring then you need an engagement ring honey. I hate to sound like a child but I'd 'throw a strop' over this and demand a proper romantic night and everything.

You’ll just have to tell him you want one, send him a link and tell him he’s got a posh watch and you’ll have a ring of the same value. I’d get a matching pair of engagement and weddings rings at this stage.

I agree with others that you’ve not gone about any of this in a sensible way. A man suggesting you have a coil removed isn’t either very romantic or evidence of overwhelming commitment.

You’ve missed the boat on “tradition” so let that drop. You’ve got the house, baby, wedding you want, now show him the ring you want and hopefully he gets it for you. I can see why you’re feeling a bit like you’ve made him go along with these steps, it sounds like you have and that’s the only way they’d have happened. That’s okay. But own it and stop hoping he’ll have a personality transplant. You know what you’ve signed up for with him.