To want an engagement ring?

[IHateGeckosGarage]

I'm probably going to be told I'm BU but just need to hear it if that's the case.

Have been with partner for 12 years and have an 8 month old DD.

During the first ten and a half years my DP hinted and getting engaged a few times. When we were together in the first years, he said at about the fifth anniversary would be a good time to get engaged. That never came about.

There were a few times between five years and ten years where he had a ring measurer and would measure my ring finger to get my size. The last time this happened was when we'd been together about 8 years and he said he was thinking in about a year. Again nothing happened.

Since then we've bought a house and we had our baby. It was his idea for me to remove my coil so it wasn't me trying to trap him for engagement or anything.

When we found out I was pregnant at the start of 2023, we were WA each other as we were both in work and he said "the question is do we need a shotgun wedding?" I replied saying that yes I essentially want to get married before the baby is born. We have a chat about our parents etc and if they were married and nothing else was said for a few days.

So that weekend morning I did my own lkggle research I go UK elopements and made some enquiries. I told him that morning and he was fine with it. It got to the point where we both chose our favourite, we paid the deposit together and while not booked for before birth, it's booked for summer 2024.

I told him from the booking and our discussions that I want an engagement ring. Because it does feel like I've initiated it all. And progressed it all. And I want it to be more traditional in the sense it feels like he has chosen me rather than settled with me when he's got me pregnant.

Since then, for over a year no engagement ring or proposal. He's done overtime to pay for the remaining balance of the wedding. We've discussed the things left over to buy and I've said I'm happy with cheap wedding rings. To that he was like, well I feel bad, isn't your wedding ring meant to be quite expensive and have a jewel. And I said, "no you're thinking about the engagement ring." and to that he said that he didn't know I needed two rings, which is a load of rubbish. And don't get me wrong everyone, I would be happy with a £100 ring, less than that even. but nope.

In the last twelve months he has bought himself a £300 watch, a £400 camera and is currently thinking about saving a £3k deposit for a new car.

I think it's the lack of proposal, the action that is more bothering me actually, which I've realised as I write this.

With the discussion on the rings he said "you know I'm not like that". I'm assuming he means romantic but he actually has been in other ways throughout our relationship. It's just this.

So am I being unreasonable in wanting this as acknowledgment he actually wants to marry me and that I've not tied him down?

I’d love to know how throwing a strop makes a romantic night more likely.

If I was desperate for a token piece of jewellery to show he actually cared about a wedding, and rather than buying me a ring he was treating himself to watches and a new car the wedding wouldn’t be going ahead either 🤷🏻‍♀️

I guess it would just never work between us Flickersy 💔😭🤣

Next time you see him wearing his fancy watch, say "your watch looks good. Does it make you happy owning it and wearing it?"

When he inevitably says yes, you can say "so you understand that a piece of jewellery, such as a watch or an engagement ring can make someone happy? You do understand that?"

He is choosing to not do something (quite cheap and simple) that he knows will bring you joy; why do you think that is?

Are you better off, financially, if you're married? Does he bring more to the table with his wage, assets and pension? If not, I'm wondering if there's actually any point as he's clearly quite lacklustre about it.

I would definitely want a ring. What a tight git

Engagement rings are incredibly old fashioned, but then so is marriage.

Forget buying into this patriarchal system. Ensure you Do Not compromise a penny of your financial independence when the baby is born, split the parental leave. Split the nursery runs.

That is how you protect yourself, not marriage.

I assume you own half the house?

I don't think it's that he's not committed, it's just different outlooks on traditions. Your partner isn't interested in the traditions of engagements and weddings, he simply doesn't see the importance. I sympathise because I feel the same. I've never been remotely interested marriage & couldn't care less about engagement rings and the like. It's not a reflection on his feelings for you. It's just a different perspective.

It's important to you, and that also matters, but unfortunately you haven't demonstrated that by your actions: you've bought a house, had a child and proposed to him. You can't really be resentful if he doesn't get that you really want all this. You need to sit him down and explain in no uncertain terms that this matters to you, a lot. And keep talking about it until he starts to see your pov.

He's not exactly enthusiastic about it, is he? He was fine with it. Don't you want better than someone who's just passively going along with things and is fine, not excited, not happy, just fine about getting married? Not really good enough

Is it possible he's worried he'll pick a ring you won't like? I don't think he doesn't want to marry you as he's working overtime to pay for the wedding. Has he got an expensive wedding ring in mind that he wants to buy for you - perhaps he getting something custom made and has blown his budget on that?

Not being excited about getting married doesn’t mean not being excited and happy about the relationship. I know many people who would go along with a wedding because it’s what their partner wants, but don’t find it particularly exciting or important.

Engagement rings are incredibly old fashioned, but then so is marriage.

”Old fashioned” The MN euphemism for “Something I personally don’t like/agree with”.

"With the discussion on the rings he said "you know I'm not like that". I'm assuming he means romantic but he actually has been in other ways throughout our relationship. It's just this"

A long time ago I asked my husband for a necklace for Christmas and he told me that he wasn't crazy about jewellery. I responded "Well I am and the present is for me, not for you". In essence you don't buy a present that you like for someone else, you buy them what they like, that's the whole point! Tell him that this is important to you and if he responds as he did before, remind him this is for you, not for him. He should be able to do something for you that you enjoy.

Is the ring for you or for the image of how a typical pre-marriage buildup should be? The jig is up, you essentially proposed to him, if you desperately want a ring, go ahead and buy one. Based on what you've said, which is just a very small snapshot, I don't think he's stringing you along, and you will get married - but an engagement ring does not automatically maketh the marriage. Even if he does buy you a ring, when you look at it, you'll be reminded of how much you've badgered him for it.

Doesn't look like it's gonna happen...😕

He might be working overtime, but is that a guarantee he'll pay for the wedding?

You want him to initiate all these things, but he won't.

The deal with this man is that you have to tell him what you want him to to do, and maybe once you've told him, he'll do it.

That's who he is. It's not going to change. His personality is what it is.

If that's not what you want, you shouldn't marry him.

YANBU at all. I'd still marry him though. Doesn't mean you have to accept his shitness forever but it does finicially protect you before you leave him.

You decided together to get married, booked the wedding and he is working overtime to pay towards it. All good. A proposal is now moot. Maybe he just isnt thoughtful or romantic, maybe he is a selfish git, maybe he is mean, but you have decided to hitch your wagon to his so if you want an engagement ring you will have to sort it yourself. Pick a day to go shopping together for it and just do it. It's annoying him dragging his feet so much but waiting and hoping he is going to surprise you with a ring is a waste of time, its not going to happen.

Sorry but he’s just not that fussed about getting married. He’s doing it because you want to and no doubt he dropped those hints and measured your fingers because he thought it would buy him more time. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you but it’s clear that marriage with you doesn’t mean much to him so why try to force it with a proposal and stuff?

Are you still working or now financially dependent and looking after your own mutual child?

Have you pointed out that it's also traditional to purchase an eternity ring after the birth of a first child. It will be a while before he can afford that new car :)

Honestly I think the moment has passed. Once you have a wedding to pay for and a child there will always be bigger priorities than jewellery.

That said, it doesn't sound like you have particularly discussed finances and it feels like he has the wherewithal to treat himself but you don't? If that's not the case then buy your own bit of sparkle and spend what you like. If you don't have a penny to your name because you are now a SAHM and he is in control of the finances, all treats go to him something feels quite off and I'd be setting expectations that equitable treatment is expected and you being at home saves him £000 in his share of the childcare costs. I'd go back to work myself.

This. You have far bigger concerns than a ring.