So sick of not being the parent I always wanted to be

[thegreenlight]

Both my sons are autistic (6 and 11) I spend all my time trying to appease them, anticipate melt downs, dealing with melt downs.

I book things to do and the eldest will never want to go (he said he would only go to Alton Towers this weekend if we bought him robux and said similar about going on the slides at a water park last week) he won’t eat with us, whenever we sit down to eat he will say he’s not hungry or the food smells horrible. He lives on toast and crisps. He winds up his younger brother and makes him cry and hit and in turn the massive fight continues day after day.

I get constant phone calls from school about the both of them. We are going to Disney World Florida in the half term and he just says it’s ‘mid’ and doesn’t enjoy going. Every party we have had for him he cries and melts down. We can’t go out for dinner as one of them will create. I can’t go shopping as they run around screaming.

They are incapable of self care - they are physically able but won’t. Massive meltdowns from the eldest when being asked to shower, screaming every morning from 6 year old when he’s asked to get himself dressed. I’m exhausted. DH and I are exhausted.

We try to be strict with them - husband especially so - but it doesn’t work. I have read every parenting book going, tried every chart but nothing works. To be fair they are much better at home than school. I see people having actual relationships with their children and doing things together and feel so jealous. I didn’t want a boy because of the likelihood of autism and here I am with two of them.

I feel like I’m existing and both DH and I go straight to bed as soon as the kids are put to bed. I am caught between the urge to be a good mum, feed them home cooked meals, go for walks and days out, throw them parties (because they never get invited to any one else’s) but it all ends in disappointment, frustration and sadness.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to stop spending money on taking them out because I feel I should and leave them home with their nanny (she lives at the end of our garden)inside on their bloody screens and go with DH to enjoy life. Nanny has only just moved in after we lost dad and I would never leave the boys before so maybe we have a lot of date nights to catch up on.

Do I keep trying to live the life I expected or do I finally give in and start to do things for my own enjoyment?

If you have a nanny I would 100% be taking some time for you and your DH to relax knowing their being cared for, definetly! You both 100% deserve that

I'm a single parent, one of my children is on a waiting list for an ASD assessment and the other a numerous about of things. It's really really difficult. You've experienced a loss on top of all the daily stress,

If you have the help there definetly take it, it sounds like you both deserve some nice time

You might find that the more your able to relax and wind down the less stressful the days will seem, I would find what you have described really difficult,

Dont beat yourself up, it's really difficult somtimes and we all need time to ourselves

Maybe places like Disney are too much for them - lights, sounds, crowds, waiting in queues, people everywhere.

Eta same with parties, Alton Towers.. some autistic kids like a quiet life at home.

This sounds incredibly tough. Go easy on yourself. Sounds like oldest isn't bothered about doing stuff so much, so I'd suggest you don't fill your time in a way that would add needless stress to your situation. You and your husband likely deserve - and need - some time away doing things for yourself too; don't feel guilty about doing so

If I take them somewhere quiet like the beach or a woods walk they will be bored. I have tried everything and theme parks are about the only thing they will do (sometimes, and still make the day difficult) They want constant stimulation or to be sat staring at screens. She isn’t the nanny, she is their nanny - my mum! So not as easy to leave them with her regularly without guilt!

I may have misunderstood but I thought OP was saying the boys nanny (grandmother) had moved in after OP’s dad died.

It's not an easy setup for you, but who are you trying to please doing all these overstimulating things with them? They clearly don't want to go to theme parks, Disney, etc. The one with food issues, as much as you can offer other options, he clearly copes better with bland foods. Pick your battles and adjust your expectations, you'll probably find life gets a lot easier! We expect kids to like things and want these experiences we dream up for them but they have minds of their own, if you want to go to sm Disney yourself, have them minded and go!

It’s the guilt of not taking them anywhere. DH is very outdoorsy and expects the boys to be the same or want to do things with him and they wont. They do just want to stay at home on their screens but I feel like I’m wasting their childhood!

Disney and theme parks are also good because their staff are trained about autism and you don’t get as many disapproving stares and a lot more understanding.

YANBU I would leave them with nan - not all the time but definitely some of the time. As long as she’s happy to have them of course.

My third born is autistic. Parenting him is completely different to my older two. I had to stop and completely overhaul expectations. Parties and theme parks are highly distressing to him. I stopped dragging him/ forcing him to do things that you might assume are enjoyable but actually aren’t at all for him. He is much happier with no birthday parties and small days out. Cutting out all the high excitement stuff has allowed him to be a million times calmer and less stressed. I get to enjoy that he likes to be quiet and stay in, collect pebbles, go on a familiar dog walk, bake a cake. And the really boring de-stressing existence has lowered his stress levels so much his diet is better and he slowly builds up and explore a wider range of experiences that allows us all eg a meal or day out or holiday….. but never ever Disneyland or a party for him! That would be a nightmare. It’s not about being the parent you thought you be but the parent he needs. Takes processing and grieving the neurotypical expectations first in my experience.

unbelievablescenes they want us to stay with them and just listen to them talk about their interests and would be upset if we went without them! It feels like doing life on hard mode! I think need to work on forgiving myself and lowering my expectations and work with DH to help him do this too.

Stop the over stimulation! You know It ends in disaster so just stop! A few days away in the UK is fine for kids you don't need to be doing all these grand trips and it's making you all miserable

Your trying to live in a neurotypical world with neurodiverse children it just doesnt work. I have 3 with asd/adhd and other diagnoses. We live a totally different life then I ever expected or wanted to live, I often resent the outside world but in reality if I tried to force some of the things that neurotypical children would love on my kids it would make it an absolute living hell! We took one of mine to disneyland Paris She was so overwhelmed by it she developed a new stim, she basically spent the whole time feeling anxious and scared (4 at the time) the only time she smiled was when she saw a pjmasks poster on the wall. There is a video on YouTube by the national autistic society, its quite old now but we used it in our training in my previous job to show what it's like to be in an overwhelming enviroment as someone with autism its a child in a shopping mall its really quite eye opening and I have to say it helped us alot as parents to understand our children better.

A few days away in the U.K. means just staying inside in a different location. The beach is for 5 minutes at a time and they won’t walk anywhere. Eldest wants to do things (like we went to a gaming con) and both of them were awful but within 10 minutes of being home they ‘loved it’ and want to go again! While we are there DH and I say never again but when they ask we cave and take them! Eldest ‘loves’ ice hockey which means watching 5 minutes then going into the bar and watching it on a screen while DH spends loads of money on food and drinks for him that he may or may not eat.

I have a different set of parenting challenges- but I completely agree with the first poster, put yourself and your own time and your own happiness up there. As you have discovered, doing everything and making yourself ill hasn't worked out to make them happy anyway, I don't think you have that much to lose by taking some time for yourself and your husband, as a couple. I also think it's fine not to want to do some of those activities anyway- I don't take mine to exciting places every holiday or think up interesting activities all the time, and I certainly wouldn't if it was stressful or horrible. I don't parent two ND boys though- people on here might have some additional helpful advice on that, but generally putting yourself in there as an equally valid person in the whole family is very important, women in particular tend to think they simply aren't as valuable and it's fine for them to live a rubbish life, and whilst sometimes it's ok to be sacrificial, at other times, and for your sanity, and because you too are a person who counts, it is not. Nanny sounds lovely!

All these places are places they ask to go, but when it boils down all they actually want to do is stay at home watching YouTube and gaming on their various consoles.

It will become easier as they get older and their interests develop. Try getting them into sports, you'll have to try a few different things. For instance we watched Free Solo about Alex Honnold (also autistic) and then he got really into climbing and we could go to climbing centres. Rugy, football, karate etc can all work well depending on sensory issues. Pick your battles, seriously save the real discipline for GCSEs. Dont yell, dont argue, use screen time as the bargaining tool. Always ( as much as possible) do what you say you will do. So if you say stop hitting your brother or Ill take the laptop for the rest of the day, make sure you do. Always follow though. And most importantly dont let it take over your life, use the nanny, go out, enjoy yourself, invest in your marriage. This stuff can ruin good relationships and that does no one any favours.

Vastlyoverrated their nanny is lovely and puts up with a lot more than I will. She coming to Disney with us, as all her other holidays were staring at the back of dad’s head while he fished! The boys run down the garden naked, raid her fridge and run back! She puts up with them very well!

Sports! Both of them have been sent to lots of clubs, all of which ended with them being asked not to come back or them refusing to go back! I couldn’t even carry on with swimming lessons for eldest as he wouldn’t listen and kept putting his head under the water. He made no progress in 2 years! If they would do sports or hobbies I wouldn’t have this problem! Both can’t (and won’t) ride a bike as they have no balance. Eldest is so risk averse he checks the weight limits of rides! They just want screens ALL THE TIME and if they are removed they literally have no idea what to do with themselves despite owning every toy and book going! They can’t communicate effectively enough to be in a team and have no resilience at all. The meltdowns that occur in private when they can’t kill a boss I would hate to spew played out in front of other children and parents. They won’t go outside if it’s too cold or too hot. We live literally opposite a park and they won’t go! Eldest has refused to take part in PE at school for the last term, but yeah. Sports.

Divide and conquer?
Your Mum takes one and you take the other.
Do you play with them? Board games and similar. Or if it has to be screen can you play video games together. There are collaborative games they don't have to be competitive.

I'd micromanage rather than let things go.

Stop taking them to Disneyland.
Stop enabling them.
Stop having such low standards that your sons walk all over you.

coxesorangepippin I take it that your children are not autistic. I would ask you to walk a mile in my shoes before you blame my parenting. I’m exhausted but please, feel free to stick the boot in.

TodaysNameIsBoring as a year 6 teacher I micromanage all day. I just want to enjoy time with my children without it being a constant battle. I don’t have the energy to micromanage and both of them won’t stay with anyone else for any amount of time. Mum is great but wouldn’t take them anywhere alone.

The meltdowns that occur in private when they can’t kill a boss I would hate to spew played out in front of other children and parents

At six and eleven they don’t need to be on gaming consoles. Or youtube. Especially the six year old. Children that age can’t emotionally self-regulate anyway, I suspect even less so with SEN.

If they didn’t have any frame of reference for youtube and video games, do you really think they wouldn’t want to go to alton towers or disney? They’re addicted to that quick dopamine hit. If they’d never been allowed on YouTube or video games, what would your life look like?

PurpleCacao I was told that screens HELP them to regulate. They are never allowed screens at the table or when they are out which is a lot more than most children I see. Show me an 11 year old who has never been on a tablet or console. How old are your children, out of interest?

I think the amount of screen time is over stimulating them there was a very interesting article about this. Another mumsnetter put up a link - this isn't the article but has similar overtones. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mental-wealth/201711/is-your-child-overstimulated-too-much-screen-time www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mental-wealth/201711/is-your-child-overstimulated-too-much-screen-time
Reducing their screen time will definitely help you - even if, in the short term life becomes more hellish. Their behaviour needs to improve before they are allowed access to screen time. Might be time to remove the gadgets and game boys etc and bite the bullet in an attempt to improve their behaviour.
Their diet is another issue and is one that you can also control - your boys know how to push your buttons and you and your DH cave in for a quiet life. Have you considered having them tested for ASD or ADHD or similar?
Otherwise, your issues sound like many other parents who have days with the kids from hell but somehow find a way to muddle through. But you and your DH are struggling to find time for yourselves but sometimes that just isn't possible and you have to live with it!