Is this normal/ am I policing his mood?

[Giveupnow]

Having a recurring issue with DH and genuinely don’t know whose wrong. In counselling but we have a long wait til next appointment.

amongst many issues, I feel he is “moody” and over many years I feel I walk on eggshells when he is like this and it now makes me anxious.

he will often have a few days of a “bad mood” where he won’t really engage, have a short fuse and won’t really talk and generally feels unpleasant to be around, altho I have difficulty exactly describing why. For context we have a 1 yo and 3 yo so not engaging much for a weekend or so isn’t really an option. It used to be worse and he used to be snappy to us all but now he is just cold/ disengaged

we are struggling with this as I can’t really explain why it affects me and he doesn’t see that this should be an issue. For him, he feels I’m “telling him how to feel” or not giving him the space or validation for his emotions.

for me, it’s not normal to just be in a bad mood for that long? We all have days when we wake up on the wrong side of the bed, but you shake it off? Or often by the evening I can be frustrated and fed up with the children but not all day for several days?

this is a problem as I’m struggling to explain to him why I don’t think it’s ok for him to act like that. But actually am I just policing his feelings?

YANBU.

He sounds like an insufferable arsewipe.

It sounds like the issue is his behaviour when he's in a bad mood. He shouldn't be snapping at people, and you're right with small children in the home he needs to communicate with them, and with you about them. He is essentially opting out of his responsibilities.

You shouldn't be made to feel like you are walking on eggshells. You mention him having a short fuse- does that mean that he gets angry and shouts when you try to engage with him in one of these moods?

I wonder if he behaves the same way to his work colleagues?

If he doesn't like being "told how to feel" maybe you need to focus on behaviours rather than feelings. If he's a bit down and withdrawn, not very chatty - ok, leave him be. If he's snapping at the kids, rude to you, refuses to take part in family activities - then you address that.

He doesn't get to sulk and disrupt you all this often, he sounds like a petulant teenager instead of an adult

There's a difference between you trying to police his emotions and him using moods to manipulate those around him, and this sounds like the latter.

It might be that he learned to behave like this due to the dynamic of his family growing up but it doesn't mean that it's working now, that it's your fault to tiptoe around or like.

It is also very difficult to pin down as it's nothing concrete, but looks, huffs, stonewalling are real and the fact you feel you're on eggshells is telling. The DC will also be on eggshells growing up, if he can't take responsibility and show a healthier way of dealing with his emotions then you need to decide what you want for you and for your DC in terms of a home environment.

For him, he feels I’m “telling him how to feel” or not giving him the space or validation for his emotions.

Nice little bit of DARVO there. Suddenly YOU are the baddie because you have an issue with his behaviour.

The first thing to consider is whether or not you can reframe it as behaviour rather than mood (I'm not massively optimistic only because any normal and emotionally healthy person would have understood this in the first place, but okay, let's give it a go). So, what is it that he does during these moods that is a problem? Is he less willing/able to step up and do his share of household/childcare tasks? Does he resist any activities that would be part of your normal routine such as taking the DC to the park/swimming or visiting family? Do the DC feel they can't come and get a cuddle from him?

There's also the emotional fall out. It's one thing to be like this occasionally, but if it's all the time, that might make you feel lonely or like you can't get support. If he's in a mood like this what happens if you are ALSO struggling? Will he step up if you're exhausted or upset? What if something happens and you to discuss it for either logistically or emotional reasons? Are you supposed to just be on hold?

The other thing is whether or not this behaviour is happening in specific circumstances. You say you feel like you're treading on eggshells. Is this because of how he will react if you ask a simple question, "do you want to go get lunch with the kids at Pizza express" or perhaps you can't ask him to perform a task because he's in a mood? Maybe, you find yourself walking on eggshells trying to avoid this mood in the first place - he seems in a good mood when he comes home but you know if you ask him to pop out and buy nappies he'll melt down so you struggle out at 5pm with two toddlers in the pouring rain so that by the time he comes home everything is hunky dory?

He's allowed to feel things. He's not really allowed to consistently take that out on you and the DC or use it as an excuse to get out ofthings.

Yes the issue is I find it very hard to describe exactly what behaviours are bothering me. Previously, he did snap, opt out of parenting and was generally not nice to be around. We have spoken about it and overall, he has massively improved, both with decreasing the frequency of these episodes, and not taking it out on us as a family.

however, it still bothers me. I don’t know if I’m just being triggered because of how it used to be, or whether he is still acting inappropriately. Hence this post. I genuinely don’t know if IABU. He will respond to the children but just not be very interested/ active or upbeat. He will be downbeat I suppose is a good way of describing it. One word answers, not engaging in conversation with me, or asking me any questions/ how my day was etc. lots of “don’t care” when asked about stuff. it feels very self centred to me.

he wouldn’t be like this with work colleagues or friends, no. And he DEFINITELY is not depressed (I’m a Dr, I do actually have the clinical ability to diagnose this) and he is fine when off doing his hobby.

he says how is he supposed to express his emotions? I don’t feel like this, so can’t tell him.

You're not telling him how to feel; you're telling him how he shouldn't behave.

You're not saying 'this isn't something to be annoyed/sad about; other people have real problems; this wouldn't bother anyone else' etc., which is dismissive and policing of feelings. You're saying he's snapping and not engaging with his own child. The first is unpleasant and while something that can occasionally happen when someone's in a bad mood, something they should try to keep to a minimum and apologise for when their mood makes their reaction unreasonable. The second is an abdication of his parental responsibilities. He has children, so he's obliged to take care of them and he has responsibilities towards you as well, in that he shouldn't push everything on you. Else you might also end up in a bad mood all the time, being over burdened - how would he respond to that? Would he suddenly not be so concerned with everyone getting to feel and show all their emotions?

I have a tendency towards bouts of depression, and I also find constant interaction with people quite draining. I have periods of time where I certainly don't feel very cheerful. So you might think I'd be on your husband's side - but actually I'm not! I think YANBU.

If you were telling him he had to be jolly and happy and never worry about anything and telling him off for feeling down, that would be policing his mood. But (from what you've said in your post, anyway) it doesn't sound like that's what you're doing. You're just expecting him to make an effort to be pleasant. It's particularly interesting that he is 'cold' with you and the children, because I would say that even at my lowest points I've never been cold with my partner. I'm sure that there have been times when I've been generally gloomy and been overly quiet or lethargic or unenthusiastic about things we'd normally enjoy, but at no point (and I know this because I've discussed it with him) has my partner ever felt that I was cold or unaffectionate towards him. I might been reluctant to do something nice like go out with him somewhere or spent a lot of time staring blankly at the TV, but I've always made myself show an interest in him and his day and I've always told him I love him and I've always hugged him and been appreciative of him. Because a) I do love him and b) it's not his fault I'm depressed.

So, overall, while I don't think you can expect someone to be life and soul of the party, YANBU to find his behaviour difficult. It sounds like you're having to walk on eggshells around him. And your children aren't going to understand his moods - he needs to make an effort with them.

Your second post makes it a bit trickier OP. You brought it up with him and he made a big effort to improve - I think he deserves some credit for that. It's hard to judge how bad it still is without being there.

Just a thought- is it possible that you're taking the blame for his moods? So you feel like a failure as a wife if he's not happy, and that's partly why it bothers you so much? If there's an element of this, then give yourself permission to stop taking responsibility for his emotions. You may find this makes you feel better.

YANBU at all. I absolutely hate behaviour like that. Makes me want to run miles and met loads of people like it. BUT seems he is just wired like that and would have to invest a lot of work to rewire. Doesn't look like he recognises he has a MAJOR issue, so how could he set about correcting it. Changing how he displays tension and stress is major internal work to do whilst also having young children.

If he knows the behaviour is unacceptable with friends and colleagues, then he knows that it's unacceptable at home. He is acting like a knob.

If he feels frustrated, then as an adult he TELLS you that. Maybe explain that he needs to step away for half an hour if he's very angry and needs to calm down.

I have to ask how often this is still happening? It sounds exhausting for you and must feel like you are at loggerheads constantly. Is he frustrated and angry about different things, or is it always along the same themes?

Well, what is he feeling? I mean, when my mother died, I suspect I was off and on like this quite a lot over a fairly lengthy period. But DH knew and understood what I was going through. But just random "feeling down" for no reason is annoying because it suggests its a longer term issue in which case, what is HE doign to feel better or improve things.

And franky, the "don't care" answer is 100% not okay. Sorry. I mean, sure, there are things that we care less about but a) in a normal healthy relationship you still engage and b) what are we talking about? Whether or not to have peas or beans with dinner is completely different to whether or not you should take the kids to softplay and out for dinner vs a trip to the park and a picnic.

Incidentally, in the past, DH and I would argue because, for example, he would get overwhelmed and tired or just not feel like discussing some logistical point. And I get it. I feel the same. But I would remind him that I don't get to opt out so why does he. It's one thing to agree that sometimes yu have to cut the other one some slack, but how much and how often?

One word answers, not engaging in conversation with me, or asking me any questions/ how my day was etc. lots of “don’t care” when asked about stuff.

Also, it's all very well saying he's stepped up a bit and that is good, but it sounds liek he's still leaving you with the mental load - making all the decisions, keeping things upbeat and happy for the DC etc. So you're constantly having to cover for his mood, even if he IS actually doing the washing up or whatever.

He's a twat.

Blimey he sounds like a big mardy baby. I expect you also do most of the childcare, housework and also out earn him.
He’s just trying to put you in your place op.

Sorry, lots of excellent points here that I am reading and not quick enough to respond to each individually.

previously I would say he was like this most of the time, for pretty much most of the time we’d been together. We both worked a lot before we had kids and so didn’t really notice, as I thought it was ‘normal’ after a long day. So initially it was work related, then he changed job (requiring massive sacrifice from me- quitting my career and moving abroad), still very unhappy, so quit his job and came home. Now has perfect job but finds the kids hard. So no “real” reason really - I will admit I have said things along those lines @Precipice said, because we are lucky really, but will make sure I don’t say that in the future.

@FlameTulip sort of - I bend over backwards to try and fix them but it never works and that adds to my resentment - I try not to do this anymore. Also I had an angry abusive dad growing up and I think anger just makes me feel really uncomfortable, so maybe I’m over reacting because of that.

@Saintmariesleuth tuis is exactly what I’ve just said to him, that he could just say “oh actually I’m not feeling great today, so I might be a bit quiet”
or whatever words he wants. But previously he has denied the behaviour and getting him to recognise his mood is half the battle.

@GerbilsForever24 the problem in my opinion, is he can’t really cope with “life”. Anytime anything minor happens, or he has a headache, or is tired, he can’t seem to just get on with it. I feel he is very introspective but he disagrees.

Thank you everyone for your replies. So what is reasonable if one is having a bad day? He wants me to explain to him exactly how he should act

OP, if he's always been like this all the time you've known him then he's probably never going to change. It sounds like he has quite a negative personality.

He's having you on OP. This isn't how it works.

'Policing his feelings?' Whatever will they dream up next to ensure they can behave as they choose and you need to put up with it and pick up the slack, or you're some new kind of wrong? He can't help how he feels. But unless he is mentally unwell, he should be able to help how he behaves.
Of course it's going to effect you and his children if he goes days at a time refusing to engage and being downbeat. It's going to impact the atmosphere in the home like a dark cloud, and you and your children will feel sidelined and ignored. I'd be telling him that it's not his feelings you're trying to police, it's the atmosphere in the home and his behaviour towards you you're concerned with, as you have every right to be. He needs to stop indulging his moods, or if he genuinely can't, see his GP.

Crikey he sounds hard work. He is being emotionally manipulative and very selfish even if it is unintentional.

You need to stop bending over backwards in response to these moods. I don't mean to sound condescending to a qualified doctor, but it sounds like you need individual therapy to identify and practice reasonable boundaries. He will grind you down otherwise.

A wider issue here seems to be a lack of support from him- I suspect he doesn't consider encouraging you to take time out each week for a hobby for example.

Please also consider the impact of growing up in this environment on your children.

In response to your latest update- he acts like a kind and caring father and husband when he's having a bad day.