Is this normal/ am I policing his mood?

[Giveupnow]

Having a recurring issue with DH and genuinely don’t know whose wrong. In counselling but we have a long wait til next appointment.

amongst many issues, I feel he is “moody” and over many years I feel I walk on eggshells when he is like this and it now makes me anxious.

he will often have a few days of a “bad mood” where he won’t really engage, have a short fuse and won’t really talk and generally feels unpleasant to be around, altho I have difficulty exactly describing why. For context we have a 1 yo and 3 yo so not engaging much for a weekend or so isn’t really an option. It used to be worse and he used to be snappy to us all but now he is just cold/ disengaged

we are struggling with this as I can’t really explain why it affects me and he doesn’t see that this should be an issue. For him, he feels I’m “telling him how to feel” or not giving him the space or validation for his emotions.

for me, it’s not normal to just be in a bad mood for that long? We all have days when we wake up on the wrong side of the bed, but you shake it off? Or often by the evening I can be frustrated and fed up with the children but not all day for several days?

this is a problem as I’m struggling to explain to him why I don’t think it’s ok for him to act like that. But actually am I just policing his feelings?

@RedCoffeeCup ironically most people
would think I was the ‘negative’ one and he is the fun / life of the party 🙄

You call it introspection, I call it selfishness and/or immaturity. Oh boo hoo, life is so hard. well,w ho is going to pick up the slack then? Oh, I know, his lovely wife who is consistently sacrificing and compromising to keep him happy. What compromises or sacrifices has he ever made for you?

Frankly, he's starting to sound like a covert narcissist to me. Can't take responsibility for his behaviour, always the victim etc etc etc.

Well, if I'm having a bad day I think the key difference between him and me are

1 I don't have constant bad days. I haven't dragged my wife and children all over the world while whining about how hard life is. So DH is pretty understanding of the bad days I DO have, as I am of his.

2 I might say, "I'm sorry, I'm feeling a bit down and ridiculous today. Do you mind if I just take an hour to chill out and hopefully when I'm back I can get back into things?"

mmm, I'm doubling down on my covert narcissist theory.

@5128gap yes exactly it’s a dark cloud. But isn’t he entitled to act like that if that’s how he is feeling? I’m not being obtuse, I feel so gas lit I genuinely have no idea.

funnily enough it was the therapist that has sort of validated this concept of “every emotion is valid” therefore he feels he should be able to act like this

@Saintmariesleuth youve nailed it with the lack of support. I’ve had a rough few years, horrifically traumatic births and pregnancies - I’ve actually been left with PTSD but I don’t feel I’ve ever been able to really address it/ sort myself out as it’s non stop with the kids. He is aware this is how I feel. He was supportive for a couple of months but now Life’s got busy again and I feel it’s back to no support.

Turn it around - if you say he's entitled to act like that if thats how he's feeling. YOU are entitled to feel unhappy, unloved, unsupported and lonely.

If he wants to say that's your problem, not his. Fine. But you also then get to say that you don't want to live like this so you're leaving.

@GerbilsForever24 i do agree, actually l, I do think it’s immature and selfish but can’t use those words without seeming antagonistic

@Giveupnow So... his mood means you have to police what you say/think/do?

Yeah, more and more this isn't sounding great to me. It's all about what he wants, thinks and feels. Honestly, never mind anything else, why would someone who feels this way so often WANT to live like this? FFS, wouldn't it make more sense to want to be happier and more fulfilled?

@BlingLoving thisnis the same as me which is why i struggle to understand these ‘bad days’ as I just don’t go whole days feeling like that crucially where I cannot engage with a person normally. I am far from perfect but I actually don’t have the commitment to be shitty all day!

he wouldn’t be like this with work colleagues or friends, no. And he DEFINITELY is not depressed (I’m a Dr, I do actually have the clinical ability to diagnose this) and he is fine when off doing his hobby. In that case, he's not the victim of his mood, he is deliberately choosing to behave unacceptably.

So what is reasonable if one is having a bad day? He wants me to explain to him exactly how he should act With the same degree of politeness as he would show to his work colleagues would be a good start.

Oh dear, I can relate to every word you have written as I have one of these in my life - totally different set up/ relationship but the behaviour is the same. It's a pattern with my one - 6 weeks of relative normalcy, followed by 1-2 weeks of utter moodiness and on the cycle continues. It's exhausting and sends you half mad with trying to work out the why's and if you're somehow to blame for the latest bout. I get the 'difficult to explain to others 'aspect - for me, it was the tight clenching of the jaw, the blankness in the eyes, the rigidity of their posture...alongside the huffs and puffs, the roll of the eyes, the objection to any rewuest, the unwillingness to engage in any pleasantries, the deafening silence when you're sat watching the tv. Utterly unbearable. I think I've tried every tactic - at first being overly nice ( making favourite dinner/ telling funny stories etc) to try and lift them from the gloom, to outright asking what the problem is ( always met with either denial or a glib remark about everyone gets low sometimes), to trying to match their passive aggressiveness in an effort for them to realise how unreasonable/ upsetting their behaviour is ( but this only caused more upset for me tbh), to where I am now, which is complete removal from their presence until they can behave like a respectful, human being again. This means I physically leave the room, or if out, will tell them in a very calm manner, that should they continue to be rude I'll leave and give them the opportunity to make that choice for themselves. Ultimately, it's not on us to fix them and the greatest wake up call for me was the recognition that this IS abusive behaviour. It's emotional torture to put a lived one through this. I've reached the point now, that in calm times I've asked them how they are going to break the pattern, what work are they going to do on themselves to stop the cycle, how are they going to manage their moods better so they don't take it out on me. In fact, I've suggested they see a therapist because I will no longer put myself in the position of emotional punchbag. I suggest you do something similar OP - it's cruel, abusive and toxic behaviour. Do not stand for it because it will take it's toll on you eventually.

Sounds like he's taking his stress or depression or anxiety out on you. Can he get his own counselling. Many workplaces offer fast self referral. There may be things he doesn't want to talk about or worry you about. He possibly is unaware of his mood swings. Does he ever do other things at these times, spending spree, fast driving, porn. I ask because I have bipolar and untreated my moods were insufferable but I was oblivious to that. Possibly he's just angry and selfish though...

My ex was like this. I used to check the moon...he was worse on a full moon. Weird.

All feelings are valid; not all ways of expressing them are. Same as for small children.

In answer to how to behave if you're having a bad day, I've had a very difficult few years and I'm often on my own with the children. If I'm feeling down, I'll avoid certain activities the need more energy (physical or emotional) or minute-by-minute engagement from me. We'll go to the park or the library, not swimming. We'll draw or get the stickers out, not paint. If they start some imaginary play I'm struggling with, I'll say I'll play for five or ten minutes, but then they need to continue on their own or play something else. It's okay for them to know that adults also have needs and limits, but on a reasonable scale – disengaging from family life for days is not reasonable.

The flip side is that I also deliberately immerse myself in being with the children, in the small joys of little ones, and let the difficult adult emotions wait. There are a lot of days where that works well enough to lift my mood long enough to get to bedtime.

@Giveupnow I'm very sorry- I had a horrible feeling there was an underlying story here.

Unfortunately it sounds that your husband is intrinsically selfish and unable to put you and the children first. He may improve, but is unlikely to change without a lot of effort on his part (which he seems hesitant to do).

Stop engaging in this conversation outside of the therapy session as you will only get more frustrated and go around in circles. He is putting his issues back on you to fix. In the session, point out your feelings and explain that you feel sad/frustrated etc but that you refrain from being horrible to the rest of the family. Write down your thoughts and feelings in advance and read it out if you need to.

I hope you have a way to get some support for yourself- I'm unsure whether you are still practicing medicine, but I would urgently consider individual therapy for you. I would temper expectations around your husband and put things in place that may increase support for you so that you can start to mentally recover. Sadly I think he will always be hard work and and unable to put you and the children first

He sounds miserable. What is nice about living with him and being married to him?

Everyone has a bad day every now and then. Most of us say "sorry I'm in terrible form today because I'm worried about xyz - don't pay any attention if I'm not up for much chat" or we go off and do something away from other people. We don't humph and haw and sigh and give one word answers and visibly display our mood.

Marriage and family life can be stressful but it is also supposed to be fun and joyful - not bad moods and unpleasantness for days at a time. I mean you are supposed to be living with the person you like most.

In fairness to him, he always showed you this unpleasant side of him so its not like he hid anything. I suspect your upbringing with an angry father meant you didn't have the ability to see the red flags and trust your judgement. I grew up with a moody sibling - I always knew that I could not live my adult life with a moody person. Sounds like you don't like it much either. I doubt he will change. Is this how you want to live?

@Saintmariesleuth gives good advice. I'd also say write down some of the concrete examples of how his mood impacts everyone else. eg his unwillingness to make decisions or to fully contribute to family life. And then see what the therapist has to say.

Having said that, if my narcissist theory is right, it's all pointless anyway. They can't see anyone else's opinion and they can't take responsibiltiy for their actions. Instead, a conversation with them just goes round and round and round with increasingly illogical and ridiculous statements.

Yes, I didn’t realise how emotionally unhealthy we both were, to be honest, and thought a lot of it was stress/ work related.

@Saintmariesleuth this is my dear, that he is just not able to look past any discomfort for those around him.

I am in individual therapy but tbh it’s made things more confusing, as I don’t know if my feelings are just being triggered because of my upbringing or if it’s him.

He's entitled to act that way if he chooses. What he isn't entitled to expect is that his family be fine with it. Anyone can do as they please, but where their behaviour has a negative impact on others, those others are entitled to say so and ask for change.

@SometimesItMightBeNice yes! This is exactly it. But how do you explain or describe it to them? If I say “you’re clenching your jaw/ you seem tense/ silence in front of the tv/ not saying goodnight etc” it sounds so overly controlling and pathetic of me. I can’t find the words to describe the atmosphere, and then he doesn’t get it.

He needs to fucking get over himself and do some adulting.

You'll eventually tire of continually wondering what's wrong, you will leave and he'll be sitting clenching his jaw alone. For your sake, I hope this day comes sooner rather than later. Life is truly too short to waste on a man who treats friends and colleagues with respect but his own family as an inconvenience.

You don't have to say anything OP, they'll already be aware of their own behaviour, even though they'll often gaslight you into thinking otherwise. I honestly find there's no point in trying to talk them out of their mood at the time. You will only frustrate yourself more. During the ' calm' periods that's when you talk and lay it out exactly as you have on here. You're not discouraging them from having feelings, but you are putting a boundary in place - I will not be your whipping boy and therefore, YOU need to find a way of handling your emotions that don't have a negative impact on me. infact, that's what his therapist should be working on with him, anger management strategies! Give him a consequence - i.e if you're rude/abrasive/sulking I will be leaving you alone until you behave with more courtesy. I've only employed this technique in the last few months so it's early days, but so far the results are more positive. Again, I can't change their behaviour ( that's on them alone) but by focusing on my own reactions, physically removing myself if need be, and emotionally detaching, it's a way of wrestling back control and stops me from pandering to the moods or trying to work out the ' whys'. Long term, I hope that eventually they'll get the message that I won't tolerate this behaviour and if it continues, then they know the consequences ....it's about respect ultimately. They wouldn't treat others this way so what is it about your relationship that entitles him to make you bear the brunt? Internally, it's still bloody frustrating and boring, but I no longer feel as upset or distressed as I used to.

I think you should advise him to take legal action against the person who told him life would be perfect all the time.