To not invite my friend and her DDs to my house

[Unreasonableone]

I have a very close friend of 10years+.
We see each other once every few months in her house or mine.
I feel terrible to say this, but I do not like her DDs (6 and 4). When they come round, the girls purposefully bang the door, radiator and furniture for attention. They scream and shout to interrupt our conversation as well.
I gently told girls not to bang the radiator as it's dangerous but they didn't listen. I think this is a norm for my friend as she has never mentioned anything to her DDs.

Also I serve lunch when they visit me, however her DDs are fussy eaters and it stresses me out to think what to cook every time. I have invited them numerous times over the several years. The only thing her DDs had was a bit of cucumber and tomato. They even didn't eat Margherita pizza or simple tomato pasta. Then they soon start moaning that they are hungry.

Over the years I have reached to the point that I do not want to invite them to my house ever.

Last time I went to her house and it is my turn to invite her again.
I have suggested my friend to meet outside for lunch or just to have "adult only time" in my house, but she says it is impossible to leave kids as her partner is not very supportive to look after girls. She also has declined the idea to meet outside as "it is quite difficult and tiring to take both girls outside at the moment".

Am I being unreasonable to think that I really don't want them to come to my house, and I even can't be bothered to see my friend if her DDs are with her?

I have a friend with a totally unruly four year old and have gently redirected our plans for the past few months. It's so awkward isn't it!

Be honest and say it's pretty tiring having the girls around your house.

Could you meet her at soft play for a coffee while the girls run around? If you can stand the noise, that is.

I may have misunderstood her comment about not wanting to meet outside.

Dont feel bad as its not easy to decorate a home and keep it in good nick - that is unless their mum takes control of her kids

You need to be firm with your friend. Tell her that you don't want chaos and rudeness in your house.

Anyway, at the ages of four and six, why aren't they at school?

If i wanted to keep seeing her and she can't leave children then only options are child friendly meet ups at soft play or similar or offer to come to her house and bring some lunch for your turn. Frame it as better for the kids to have own toys etc.

I'm not best placed to advise here because I don't dislike children, but... Are they bored at yours? Get them a couple of colouring books or cheap craft sets, put them a few snacks out. Make them a den to sit in. Invest in them a little and it'll pay off in peace.

YANBU. This is just a natural consequence to her lack of parenting 🤷‍♀️

Can you say to her ‘as the girls get bigger and want to explore and play more I’m finding my house unsuitable for kids, can we meet at yours this time I’ll supply the picky bits lunch - what would the girls like?‘

Suggest a free park meet up with a cafe, or picnic.

If you do have them back to your house, don't hold back from telling them off (or if you have a garden, pushing them out there) and don't even worry about giving them a nutritious lunch - just throw them a bit of cucumber, french bread or cake, toast or cereal. Your friend probably just wants them to be quiet so she can talk to you, and if she cares, she can bring them food.

Friends are not easy to get. Suggest persevering through these annoying-kids early years; a decade from now you probably won't regret it.

I'd say 'Can we come to yours? I think the girls might be happier at home with their own things and food they're used to, as I worry they don't enjoy it that much at mine because it's not very child friendly'
Hopefully she'll get the hint without you needing to be too blunt.

It’s fine not to see your friend if you can never see her without her DC.

I would try making another suggestion such as you go to her house one evening with a bottle of wine or she comes for coffee when the girls are at school/nursery etc.

I don’t know if you’ll have any luck, I find it can be hard to mix things up with some friends. For example I have one friend who I see and all we do is go shopping, I’ve suggested, walks, coffee, lunches, cinema,NT places, spa days etc and then she’ll blow me out.

I think this is a great approach - although it might not stop the interruptions. Maybe it will if they’re happy getting on with things in their own home, but I expect the interruptions will continue.

Of course you don’t have to host them - and I do think you should just stop. But I don’t understand the stress over the food - why not just ask their mum what to make, and then who cares if they don’t eat it and are hungry? You’re taking on a stress there that you really don’t have to.

It doesn't make sense that they come to your house when it means they don't have anything to play with.

Could you go to hers one night with a bottle of wine?

😂😂😂 Tell me you're passive aggressive without telling me!

But seriously @Unreasonableone given the ages of the kids can you now start doing visits whilst they are at school? You could even pitch it that you CAN now meet up at a coffee shop or wherever as the kids aren't there.

@Unreasonableone

Your friends issues and problems are her own to solve address unsupportive Dick head crap 💩/ Arsehole joke of a Partner, girls father,

I would really reflect on this friendship and invest emotionally on developing new friendships and other friendships if they are better on that,
through hobbies and interests,

If you want to continue this friendship,
Also suggest strongly encourage your friend to have meet ups in family friendly places such as Mcdonalds and other cafes etc,

be straight with your friend about her children's destructive behaviour in your house and that is why you can no longer have them coming up too your place,

If it expensive for your or more stressful to meet up elsewhere that's her problems to deal with
Hopefully maybe this will encourage to do so

How is that passive aggressive? She's made good suggestions.

Sorry typo
Mistake it is more stressful or and expensive for your friend to meet up outdoors that's her problem

School hour, term time meet ups is the way to go then.

Go to hers, as others have said. But offer to bring some nice adult food for you both and she can sort the girls out.

Thank you all for the comments and the great suggestions.
Apologies I forgot to include the important info that I have my own DD who is 8.

My friend's DDs and my DD play nicely first but then they get bored quickly as they are not very close friends don't see each other often.
Then my friend's DDs come downstairs to start interrupting my friend and I.
It's funny the girls behave so much better in their own house.

@TheShellBeach @wibblywobblywoo We both work full time on weekdays, hence our meetup is usually on weekends with our children.

@TheWonderhorse You're right. I think they are bored.
I tried to turn TV on, boardgames out, let them play in the garden, but they soon came back for attention.

@5128gap @PivotPivotmakingmargaritas Thank you for the great advise. I think I will use your words and suggest to visit her and take lunch.

@Testina My friend is a good cook and she does very nice lunch & cake every time we go. I put pressure on myself as I wanted to return the favour, but this is probably why her DDs don't like the crappy lunch I cook. 😂

@TheValueOfEverything Thank you. You made me realise that I want to keep this friendship.

Again, thanks for all the supportive comments

Assuming you have someone else to look after your DD, could you go round after bedtime with a bottle of wine and have a chat with her then? I used to do this with a friend, and would always go to hers as she couldn't get out

Another one who’d suggest going to hers.

What food does their mother give the girls when she hosts? Copy that.