Paying 50:50 when I work part time

[HolyCow83]

Votes please on whether you consider this fair. I work part time and have 2 days a week where I look after our 2 year old and pick the 4 year old up from school, take to swimming lessons et . Other 3 days I work from home. My husband works from home 5 days a week. We split doing cooking/kids bedtimes for to me doing 4 nights and him doing 3 nights a week. I do kids laundry and grocery ordering. We split the household costs to me paying 3/8 and him paying 5/8 as we got paid roughly the same (per day). Last year he lost his job and spent several months looking for work in the hours he would have otherwise been working. He kept his contributions the same, claimed some job seekers and eventually got some projects as self employed. The projects have been very slow to pay him and he’s running out of savings. I’ve offered now to pay 50:50 of our costs as I’m probably making more than him despite being part time. But I’m doing 2 days of childcare that he is not. Do you think it is fair? (Ps yes I know we are married and our finances are technically combined but we have our own accounts with money that we choose how to spend it eg on clothes, presents or holidays or seeing friends. Also I did suggest he drops to a 4 day week and we both do that but he’s not interested)

I can’t quite understand your post

🤣🤣🤣

Can you simplify your question?

Is it should those who earn less do more in the home?

Or is it those who earn less and work less hours should do more?

Or is it is my husband being unreasonable for not taking on every project that comes his way?

or none of those? 😆

You’re coming at it backwards.

He needs a separate account for his freelance work, and to pay himself from it once overheads are accounted for. Same with the rental property he has - that goes into a separate account or a pension if that’s what the rent is.

The you look your respective earnings. After bills come out, you should have the same money left over.

Time wise, you need to have the same amount of free time. Obviously, he needs to be honest about the hours he’s working in order for this to be calculated fairly. “Childcare” is part of the “non free” time in this scenario, as is housework, so it evens up that between this and the paid work, you’re doing equal amounts.

This is word salad.

Honestly, I think you need to learn to articulate yourself more clearly if you want a real discussion.

We do this as well so it's fair. Works well for our household.

Something for me to consider. Can see how this could work but not sure how would work with the inconsistent income as a freelancer (0k one month, 6k the next, etc) plus the huge outgoings he occasionally needs to make to pay off the other mortgage (not my choice to buy or keep that house, there will be some income eventually from the renting of it but again that’s entirely out of my control or business). We met each other later in life so I suppose this explains the separate decisions we’ve already made with finances.

This would be the ideal but he says he would struggle to get his work done in 4 days. Also I think he’s not really interested to do childcare/parenting all day by himself. I suppose there’s an element of it not seeming (to him) very macho.

Just curious how would you define taking sole care of the children for 13hr shifts? Involving school drop off and pick up, and taking the 4 year old to swimming lessons whilst watching the 2 year old?

Jeez, just send him an invoice 😂

Is he currently part time though? In your OP it says he is? So he should be doing more childcare and if money is tight it makes sense for you to work another day and he does childcare.

It’s not optional. Someone needs to either pay for it (nursery) or do it (and not work).

Call me old but that is not a marriage

We just paid the bills and the main saving accounts were joint. Now early retired even the current account is joint

This.
Pay everything into one account. Spend everything out of one account.
Much simpler when there's no his and hers.

Everyone, and I mean everyone on here, is deliberately misunderstanding the OP (or perhaps none of you can read). The DH does NO childcare or housework; has a separate property that he spends money on (apparently for his pension) before he contributes to the family pot; and will not compress his freelance work because he does not like minding his own kids.

As per usual OP, you have a DH problem. You met when you were older so you know what life is like single - perhaps go back to that, as he seems to add nothing but frustration to your life right now.

I’m not even going to apologise for being so challenging and direct so here goes.

I have to out myself as a Very Old Person who was married nearly 47 years ago. We took vows which included endowing of worldly goods so I struggle to understand any marriage where finances aren’t shared. After all, we are in what we expect to be a permanent relationship. The balance of our relative incomes and time spent on dependencies and chores have always gone up and down.

When I read the OP on this thread I thought ‘What happened to ‘for richer for poorer’ and ‘what happens if it comes down to ‘in sickness and health’?’ What happens if one of you must become a carer for the other ? Do you measure care for an incapacitated spouse in terms of relative income? Marriage isn’t a commercial contract, it’s a freely entered into commitment between two people.

What is marriage for, if everything is measured in £s and Hours of ‘Childcare’ ? If you can’t sit down and work things out together what on earth were the basis of your marriage and the decisions to have two children? If you can’t make it work to both your satisfactions perhaps you need to break the contract.

Waiting for incoming….

Excellent post @grumpygrape

So he works 5 days, you work 3 and have the kids 2 days, so you both work 5 days? But you earn more than him currently. So you should pay more, it isn’t about who works more/less, it’s about who earns more/less. Pay in proportionally to what you each earn, the higher earner pays more in.

He needs to be doing more childcare.

DH and I don’t pool finances either.

You should both have equal personal spending money.

If you earn more, then that will mean contributing more to joint finances so that you have an equitable standard of living.

You were quite happy for him to pay more when he earned more. Now you are earning more, you need to pay more. And both of you should be parenting your children in all of the time that you are not working.

I agree in many respects, but also in defence of myself: I was quite happy for him to pay more when he earnt more, because I’d just given birth to two children and taken reduced earnings and career prospects as a result of this.

Presumably after 47 years you’d understand why most don’t press the D button just because there’s a moment of addressing work and finance load in marriage

sounds lovely to split everything evenly but I’d consider that if you start out say in your twenties with that arrangement when life is a level-ish playing field and who knows what the future holds…is a bit different than meeting in 30s/40s when there’s been bereavement, inheritance and choices made/houses bought and renovated with time spent over many many years that don’t necessarily need joint decisions made on going forward. My husband is not willing to put his other house in my name, and I’m ok with that. Conversely I’ve my own inheritance from my dad and I feel it’s my decision how I spend or invest that. Don’t think that makes us “not really in a marriage”.

This.

As he's freelance, he could take over some of the childcare, drop offs/collections etc.

He wants you to work the same hours as him (I see you compress your hours OP), do all the childcare and housework and pay more while he feathers his own nest?

Very selfish.

During our 47 years we have had ups and downs of free time, income, inheritance, etc. but, because we are married, everything has flowed in and out of our joint time bank and finances.

I don’t think I said you weren’t really in a marriage but I do wonder what marriage means to you. I didn’t suggest you ‘press the D button’, by which I presume you mean Divorce but I suggested using finance as a basis for sharing the workload within a marriage was an alien concept to me.

Why would it matter whether one married in one’s 20s, 30, 40s, etc. ? I know it’s an old fashioned concept but ‘all my worldly goods….’, or does that mean except inheritances, pensions, anything I have hidden under the floorboards…? If so, then what does marriage mean ?

You didn’t address my thoughts of what happens if one of you becomes a carer for the other. Will the level of care be based in financial input ?

If you husband doesn’t contribute to childcare then that is an issue but, in my view, should not be related to financial input.