Paying 50:50 when I work part time

[HolyCow83]

Votes please on whether you consider this fair. I work part time and have 2 days a week where I look after our 2 year old and pick the 4 year old up from school, take to swimming lessons et . Other 3 days I work from home. My husband works from home 5 days a week. We split doing cooking/kids bedtimes for to me doing 4 nights and him doing 3 nights a week. I do kids laundry and grocery ordering. We split the household costs to me paying 3/8 and him paying 5/8 as we got paid roughly the same (per day). Last year he lost his job and spent several months looking for work in the hours he would have otherwise been working. He kept his contributions the same, claimed some job seekers and eventually got some projects as self employed. The projects have been very slow to pay him and he’s running out of savings. I’ve offered now to pay 50:50 of our costs as I’m probably making more than him despite being part time. But I’m doing 2 days of childcare that he is not. Do you think it is fair? (Ps yes I know we are married and our finances are technically combined but we have our own accounts with money that we choose how to spend it eg on clothes, presents or holidays or seeing friends. Also I did suggest he drops to a 4 day week and we both do that but he’s not interested)

It’s being a parent, it’s not a job or childcare. You made people, now you have to take care of them, and it’s a privilege not awarded to everyone.

Yes 50/50 when you earn more than him sounds fair. Not that marriage is all about fair, it’s about a life together and give and take. It’s not suppose to be a business arrangement where everything has to be calculated and your children count as an extra job role.

Surely he could squeeze his self employed projects into 4 days of focussed work, and do a day of childcare to save you money?

No it’s not being a parent, it’s being a mother. Because if the situation was the other way round and it was a man doing two days “parenting” and working a stressful job the other 3 days to pay for half the living costs, and the woman worked 5 days getting paid less, people would say “what a terrible mother she should be working part time” and “what an amazing dad”. What I’m hearing is, you’re a mother and you need to do what both the 1950s and the 2020s demand of you and shut up

This!

Yes but.. he is self employed. So has accountants fees and tax to pay and the income is in shifts and starts. He has a separate house which requires upkeep and payment (he treats it as his pension). It’s very hard to tell what is money allowed for family spending unless it’s in a joint account with our individual contributions

Plus what was said before about investment decisions and birthday presents

Every time I read a thread like this with a married couple with children acting in this transactional manner I just shake my head.

Basically, if I feel like my DH and I are pulling our weight and doing our best that’s what’s important.

If you’re not pooling your money in some way what’s the point?

We get paid into our own accounts and then transfer a variable amount each month which leaves us with the same personal money.

Yeah you’ve made that crap up to suit your own narrative. Looking after your children is being a parent which includes mum or dad, you being part time means you look after them more yes. Your own marriage inadequacies do not mean I’m living in the 50s. You implying your children are work doesn’t make you a modern day feminist, it’s just a shitty way of looking at your children.

This is rubbish. DH earns more than me, I work fewer hours.

He covers at least half the sickness, cooks 95% of the time, covers school holidays. We do different ‘chores’ but contribute effort and time equally.

Money is a tool to keep our lives running. Who earns more is irrelevant.

If he earnt less than you are you saying nothing would change?

If looking after children wasn’t work there’d be whole sectors out of a job. I’m not looking at my children in a shitty way, I’m implying that we socially hold no value on those who spend their full day raising their own children (who will go on to form the next generation of society with the values taught to them by said individuals) and it is instead a privilege. I feel privileged to have my children and I think it’s shitty that my taking proper care of them is not recognised as valuable

Please let us know how much he works OP - as in actual hours not in how much he faffs around as he can only charge hours worked as a freelance. I think if you are going to add more into the pot, he needs to take on childcare for some days you are at work, to enable you to max your earnings.

Yes - we’d split money so that we had the same left over.

Why would it?

Is this a relationship underpinning a cohesive family unit, or merely a business arrangement? I can't believe I'm read such a sad story.

I feel privileged to have my children and I think it’s shitty that my taking proper care of them is not recognised as valuable

Who makes you feel it isn’t valuable?

It is valuable, obviously, it is not a job to look after your own children - that’s shitty. Considering you can’t understand the difference between the childcare industry where people are paid to look after other peoples children, and you looking after your own children when you’re not working, I don’t think there’s much helping you TBH.

But to summarise, being paid to look after other people’s children is a job. Looking after your own children is parenting. HTH

Every time I read a thread like this with a married couple with children acting in this transactional manner I just shake my head.

Basically, if I feel like my DH and I are pulling our weight and doing our best that’s what’s important.

If you’re not pooling your money in some way what’s the point?

I completely agree.
OP - we've had some years when dh wasn't earning (studying); and some years when I earned more than he did; and some years when I was part time; and some years when he has earned more than me. In all that time, ALL our money has gone in to the family pot, and then each of us has had the same amount of "spending money" each month to do as we please with. It was next to nothing in the early years when we were broke, and has increased over the decades. But one thing that has been constant is the understanding we are equal partners, and the amount of hours we do in our paid role, the amount of hours we did looking after our dc, and the salary we brought in for doing our different jobs is irrelevant because we were always both working towards the same goal.

All this trying to 'measure' who contributes the most, and the concept that one person should have £££ to spend on themselves whilst leaving their partner to struggle is beyond my comprehension.

This sounds like a co-parenting arrangement rather than a marriage. Pool your finances.

You pay equal amounts based on a percentage that you earn.
Me and my partner earn so we pay 60/40 into a joint account to cover bills. The rest is ours for extras.
In regards to parenting. I do more obviously as I work 4 days, he works 5. Same with housework. We both get our own time too but we get the same for that. Both have hobbies we enjoy doing and friends we like seeing.
With clubs I do them when I'm not at work as he can't because he isn't here. And believe me there are a lot of clubs to juggle here.
What you are saying really does not make any sense at all.

Would you rather work 5 days and put your children in nursery?

If he is earning and working less then he needs to do more childcare. I hope he was when he was out of work.

I do think you need to come at this as more of a unit. By all means keep separate accounts - but have a joint account where you both put a fair and proportionate amount. Then look at the childcare you do

If as a family you earn more than he does, then he absolutely should entertain you both doing 4 days and a day of childcare each as more money would come in for the family.

If you’re married is his ‘other house’ in your name too? You talk about it being ‘his pension’ what about your pension as you work less days and assuming you took time off for maternity? If you are going to have separate accounts make sure you are getting what you are entitled to!

For reference my DH had a house he bought before we married. He transferred that in to my name too when we married.

I think some posters are being picky about terminology here. I would agree with OP that’s she ‘parents’ 24x7 but that she ‘works’ 3 days and does ‘childcare’ 2 days. As far as I have read that’s very standard terminology so not sure why people have picked up on that.

as far as the money I don’t know… perhaps whilst it’s so unpredictable you need a joint account you both pay a certain percentage of your monthly pay into and you have to subsidise some months to keep it in the black. But when he gets his more unpredictable pay and puts the percentage into you can skim off the top

Well I would say the response to this thread which is in simplistic terms “Partner X makes 10k and works 5 days a week, Partner X makes 10k and works 3 days a week and looks after kids and does housework 2 days a week, how much do they both contribute to £16k living costs: £8k each.” I work 10-12h days on my working days and that is my choice to spend those 2 days with my daughters but it holds no value.

im not even talking about my relationship specifically now it’s just an observation on the responses received

You said you offered to make it 50/50 and are bitching about it, what do you even want? Your financial split says nothing about the value of caring for your children, it’s you who’s applying finances to child rearing by referring to them
as your job. Most of us no caring for our own children is valuable. Finances of marriage are a separate subject. But if you don’t want a 50/50 financial split why did you offer it? Are you just being a martyr?

Im in shock at the posts here and the ideas of how you should split the costs and so on. Is there no relationship where both wages go into the same account, your savings are one and things that need to get paid just get paid regardless to who earns what and on what day? Isn't child care and chores for both to do when ever each can do it and why does the split of child care need to be fair and linked to the costs and the wages and the 5 over 8 but sometimes a 3 over 8. 50:50, 2 over 10. I just can't!!!!