Homework battles

[SummerBreeze1980]

I am sick to death of my DD's bad attitude to education and doing homework.

She is autistic and I fought really hard to get her into a school that meets her needs. She is in Y7 and gets a lot of support. She gets achievement points from her teachers so seems she generally does well in her classes.

But every time I mention homework she looks at me like it's the end of the world and huffs and puffs and says she'll do it later. She does need some support with homework but she is fairly bright so academically she can do it. Unless I keep mentioning it and insist on doing it, it doesn't get done. Then she's panicking the next morning that she's not done it. So she is going into a maths test today having done no revision. I don't think she is reaching her potential at school. She doesn't seem to value education atall.

Does anyone else have a DC like this and have some advice to help?

My children are both younger and neurotypical so I apologise if any of this is not applicable/pitched too young etc. But my initial questions are, what kind of routine does she have for it - a set time, a designated space etc? Does she have support and help while doing it or expected to do it alone?

For example, could you say ok from 4pm to 5pm is homework time. You have this quiet space set up to do it, with no distractions (no noise, no TV, maybe noise cancelling headphones would help?). Every 15 minutes I'll pop in and check on you/see if you need any help/answer any questions. Once you've finished the hour (and done some meaningful work in that hour!), you can have 30 minutes iPad/TV/whatever before dinner.

I'm not entirely sure how helpful I can be because while we do have this problem, DS has inattentive ADHD and a huge part of the problem has been eliminated by meds. In fact, I'd say the single biggest benefit of his meds is that homework is less of a battle. I ask this as, of course, ADHD often co-exists with ASD so I wonder if this is something to consider.

Separately, I'd agree with @takealettermsjones pre meds, when we could get into a routine, it was better. Very frustratingly for me, I also had to accept that I had to be very heavily involved, including doign a lot of the prep work - eg making a space, getting the books/computer/ipad out, taking a look at what was needed etc and THEN getting DS to come and sit down so that I could basically help him through it. Is that somethign you could do with your DD? eg at 16:00 you are telling her you're getting things ready for homework in 15 minutes, then at 16:5 she comes down and homework is ready to go. Possibly with an afternoon snack.

I've tried doing a set time, but I don't think I've found the right time yet. She gets home from school about 4.15 and just wants to relax. But then after dinner she is often too tired. I'm wondering if I should move dinner forward then we can do it afterwards and she'll hopefully not be as tired. She has a desk in her room which she will use or she likes to sit on the sofa and use the coffee table. I'm there to support during most of her homework but sometimes she will be able to get on with something alone.

I have wondered about ADHD, tbh.

Yes, I already do all that. But I think having a set time will help and a snack may make it more enticing!! I put so much effort in it is frustrating when it is not reciprocated!

My dd has ADHD. I tried to do the little and often approach. Didn't work.

Her homework falls so that it can generally all be done in one epic session. We've designated a day to it. She knows that a specific is when homework happens. She has an hour when she gets home to do her own thing, then it's homework with snacks, then tea. I'm not saying she doesn't grumble, but it's a lot less grim than it used to be.

I hear you. I'd go for the kind of snack she can nibble while she's working - popcorn, cut up fruit, bread sticks and hummus - that kind of thing.

I'd actually be inclined to move dinner later, not forward. More substantial post school/homework snack, homework, then dinner and that's the signal for chill out completely time.

I'd suggest a more specialised forum for discussion and tips if your DD has autism. There's a really good group on Facebook called "colouring outside the lines" which is specifically for parents of autistic girls. I'd ask the same question there. Unless these parents have kids who are ASD, they just won't get it.

I think there's something about demand avoidance and it really plays into homework and ASD. I completely understand the need to decompress immediately after school, particularly if she is masking during the day which will completely take it out of her.

I think when your child is autistic there is an additional layer of understanding needed to be able to deal with homework and school issues, particularly at secondary level.

Good luck.

My son has ASD. Homework was always a struggle and we did very little in year 7.
Reasons- he was mentally exhausted after school from the effort of trying to conform and masking
School was school and home was home - like many children and young people with ASD he found it difficult to shift this mindset.
Moving to secondary school is a huge change. My son really didn't settle until.year 8 when a few things started to click.
With the agreement of school we dropped homework demands. He did a bit at lunchtime and homework club after school. If he did 5 or 10 minutes at home that was enough.

By the time he got to GCSEs he was doing more buy nothing like the amount my friends kids did.
No he didn't get as good grades as they did but he was happy, not stressed out. He is now at uni
I think maybe you need to listen to her a bit more and not try and force your expectations on her
Its probably not that she doesn't value education. My son always loved learning and loved school but by 3 o'clock he'd had enough

So she does all her homework for the week on one day. I'll ask DD what she thinks of that. She likes weekends to be homework free which I'm happy with, but then he needs to happen during the week!

Yes, I see what you mean.

Could you try leaving it to her, and if it doesn’t get done then she’ll face the natural consequences at school which may shock her in to realising what she needs to do? It may be a control/power battle thing with you and if you explain to her that you’re going to trust her to make sure she gets everything done and you’re not going to interfere (but you’ll be available to help if she asks). Y7 is when she can afford to learn from her mistakes as the consequences will not be as great.

Spoken as someone who highly values education and getting homework done!

Thank you, I'll have a look at that.

Can only speak from my own experience: for me, homework was a massive problem because schoolwork was at school, not at home. So I didn't like doing it at home - far too late, I discovered a way of keeping on top of it was to go to the library for an hour or so every day after classes were over (this was college, not school) and get on with it there. Home later etc but at least home wasn't 'polluted' by homework.

Thank you for this. I know I have to temper my expectations to an extent but I just want her to do well.

Sometimes she'll go into the Learning Support centre and do some homework as she is comfortable there. But for example they have Maths Buddies in the library at lunchtime a week but she won't go to that to do her revision as she's too shy.

A clear routine and expectations helps.

I'd move dinner later, some healthy snacks to nibble during homework, and perhaps homework 5pm until 6pm, making sure you're on hand to help. Get a white board, write down what needs to be done, then tick it upon completion - this will give her a sense of achievement.

My DS is in Y8 and his phone is locked until homework is done. If he faffs about homework then the phone remains locked for longer. He is not ND but most kids at this age need support with a homework routine and managing their time.

I'm a grown up with ADHD. I'm a teacher in a secondary school. Today is my day off and I have my check list of all the lessons I need to plan by what day, marking that needs doing, then other admin stuff that I have to do, and I tick them off as I go through! It's currently my caffeine top up time where I can have 20 minutes to faff! I NEED my check list and I NEED to force myself to get started on it, as otherwise I will waste an entire day doing random stuff!

The trouble is there aren't really any consequences in particular. She may not be able to do her Maths test but it won't bother her enough to be on top of revision next time. If she hasn't done homework the LSA will have a word with the teacher so she doesn't get a detention. Which I agree with as it would make it even harder to get her into school.

I love ticking things off, she's not bothered (or it seems that way anyway!)

But yes, I need to find a clear routine that works.

Totally normal for autistic children school is for school and home is for relaxing. You can get into the habit of either her going to homework club at school or visiting the local library which is also a 'work' environment.

What type of homework does she have? Sometimes it's a case of finding what works for her and doing the homework in a different way. We used Seneca, or YouTube videos, DD teaches me what she has learnt. We review what she's learnt at the end of everyday when she gets in with a tea and snack and talk her day through for 30 mins or so, we review what she did in the last lesson for the lessons she has each morning on the way to school.

Broadly, I agree with @JustMarriedBecca as obviously most of us providing tips are doing so from a different place but...

... if she's at a special school, and the issue with going to get help at lunch is that she's shy, can't you contact her teacher and see if there's a way for this to be supported? Eg, "Right, Matilda, I wonder if you'd find the maths buddies in the library helpful for doing your homework sometimes? Why don't you and I go down there today and I'll introduce you and you can see what you think?" or similar or even the teacher suggests that your DD AND a friend go together?

I also second the doing it in 2 or 3 larger chunks a week although again, DS has ADHD so that might be more relevant. We found getting him to sit down so hard (and still is) but once he's down, it's a lot easier to keep him there. So he tends to do homework for longer, but less often. Even now on the meds.

Your DD sounds fab!

We could stop off at the library after school, perhaps.

Homework really varies. Her French teacher tends to just tell them to learn their responses to questions. Or a worksheet. Her Spanish teacher uses a couple of computer programmes which involves games which she much prefers. She also likes creative homework so doing a comic strip in English or designing a shield in History.

This week she had Maths revision to do for today. She has Spanish homework for tomorrow so hopefully will be easier to get her to do that. Then I think she has a worksheet for Geography and has to do some research on rivers. For next week she has to do research and write a piece about female explorers for English.

You are describing me many years ago!

I needed more decompression time after school. I needed to be alone for a while and not have to deal with other people and their demands.

My parents were supportive but also largely left me to my own devices in the evenings after dinner.

My advice (if you were parenting me) - let her have a term of setting her own schedule and see how disastrous it is (or isn’t). Reward effort, not grades. Accept the need for time out. Help her find her passion (which may change). Encourage her to choose her future for herself. If she suddenly discovers she wants to be a nuclear rocket scientist with a side line in neurosurgery which requires A grades, she will be self motivated to get them.

If she is like me, she needs quiet time to figure herself out and then she will find her motivation.

And a message to my own parents - I didn’t appreciate you as much as I should have at the time. I was so lucky to have you as parents even if I didn’t realise it then. I do now. X

Re: Maths Buddies. Yes definitely and one of the LSAs would do that. But we are always working on different things and I don't want to put too much on her. At the moment we are working on her going into school at the student entrance (up to now I've been taking her into reception.) and meeting an LSA there (as they would pick her up from reception.) so that then after a while a couple of friends can meet her there and eventually she can go in on her own.

I kind of feel she's had that time and not sorted anything out herself just doesn't do her homework. I always reward/encourage effort. I have no problem in her having lots of down time if she were to just spend half an hour on homework when needed (which wouldn't be everyday) and 15 min practicing her violin. She has a few passions 😊 And yeah, I want her to be whatever she wants to be and I agree I want her to have intrinsic motivation.

That's a nice message to your parents!

Ok so she likes to make comic strips, with her vocab learning she draws out a comic strip with the characters having the conversation she needs to learn.

Buy a roll of lining paper from B&Q, cheap as chips and it makes the homework 'different'.

Dd has a smallish box that has her homework supplies in so she prefers A5 notebooks and revision cards and I bought her some special pens as she's a stationery fan, she also has a whiteboard and nice colourful berol pens for that. It's very common for autistic children to not like making mistakes so a white board where everything is temporary is really useful. If I know she's got a test coming up I might pop her favourite snack in the box too. It means she can carry it around the house easily to work wherever works for her.

Vocab we normally run together, I don't speak Spanish so she enjoys correcting me 😄.
I don't think we've ever actually done the homework they way it's been set but do it in a way that suits her, her school aren't strict on it though and she gets top grades so it obviously works for her.

For the rivers work and female explorers I'd see what was available in the local area, go on a walk and see the meandering river, see if she can identify what is happening, where deposition is happening etc. Look to see if there's a relevant National Geographic out. I'd look for local museums and see what female explorers there are locally or watch a documentary and then talk through her plan for the written with her.

What I've always tried to do is deep dive topics, make it a family affair, topics are always more interesting when you know more about them and DD is always happier to discuss them when it's a group effort.

Aah, okay. I didn't realise she was still struggling quite a lot even just with the normal school day. In which case OP, I'm inclined to say that perhaps you take a slightly more casual approach to homework for a while? Agree with her that she has to sit down 3x a week and do as much of it as she can in a set time frame, and then leave it at that. And in a few months, you can up it or find new strategies.

The best piece of parenting advice I ever received was, "You can't change everything at once." I live by this and I suspect it's what saved me for all those years even before we realised that DS was ND.

I suspect his school would like me to push harder in more directions at once, but I can only do what I can do and he cannot cope with too much at once. So we do what we can.

Since he started on meds we have prioritised homework in terms of meeting deadlines and quality. Improvements have been made.

We are now starting on improving revision - both for tests in subjects he is not too bad at and overall for subjects he is weak at. The school would have preferred me to do both of those things at once. I knew it just wasn't possible.