Homework battles

[SummerBreeze1980]

I am sick to death of my DD's bad attitude to education and doing homework.

She is autistic and I fought really hard to get her into a school that meets her needs. She is in Y7 and gets a lot of support. She gets achievement points from her teachers so seems she generally does well in her classes.

But every time I mention homework she looks at me like it's the end of the world and huffs and puffs and says she'll do it later. She does need some support with homework but she is fairly bright so academically she can do it. Unless I keep mentioning it and insist on doing it, it doesn't get done. Then she's panicking the next morning that she's not done it. So she is going into a maths test today having done no revision. I don't think she is reaching her potential at school. She doesn't seem to value education atall.

Does anyone else have a DC like this and have some advice to help?

The homework supplies box sounds nice - this would appeal to DD as she loves stationery too.

Thank you for the ideas some would definitely suit DD.

I would definitely be happy with her just having a go, spending as you say even just 15 minutes and see what she can get done.

You're right that we can just gradually improve things til she is hopefully where she needs to be for GCSE homework and revision.

@SummerBreeze1980 I just got it from Tesco in their arts and crafts section just a smallish plastic clip storage box.
She has a desk and stationery all over the place but having it all in one place makes a difference. Also speak to the school, does the homework have to be done in the way they've set it, or can a written report be done as a video report, as a visual board, as a plasticine model? If the point of the homework is writing then it probably has to be done the way they set it, but if it is about learning the knowledge then there is a lot of interpretation in that.

I once set a biology homework that students had to learn the parts of a cell. Most just drew it out on paper and labeled it, some made models and emailed me a photo, my favourite one made a cake as they loved baking and decorated it as a plant cell - unfortunately I only got the photo of it and not any actual cake.

Just to add - the "having a go for a set time" thing can also help as I think often homework feels like this insurmountable task with no end in sight, particularly for ND children. Knowing that whether or not it was complete, he could get up after 45 minutes (that was the level we settled at but each to their own) really helped DS pre-meds. And quite often, he would then carry on anyway but that was his choice.

Year 7 is still early. There is time for her to catch up. it's totally normal, even for NT children, to use Year 7 as a settling in year.

DS (y8) needs at least 2 hours of chill out time after school before he can cope with anything else.

He really struggled with the intrusion of school work into home life in the lockdowns and the end result at that time was more time spent battling than actually learning.
Fortunately he's more mature since then and is motivated by the threat of detentions.

Like me he's also motivated by last minute urgency and nothing focuses his mind quite like after dinner time the night before it's due in. In his case, he is submitting it so I leave him to it, because the battles to do it as a more socially favoured time are not worthwhile. He is more mentally alert late evenings than at anyother time and it's when he has most emotional energy.

Admittedly I did learn the hard way that you can't actually do a whole GCSE coursework the weekend before it's due in, but that hard practical lesson taught me far more about the need to chunk down bigger tasks into stages that realistically fit than weeks of nagging would have done.

I do prompt DS to look through what he's got and to work out how he can fit it in, but too much pressure is counter productive for him.

I feel your frustration. Education is a very high priority value to me and it frustrates me that ds is wasting his opportunity.

However, he is engaged in school, socialising and doing well. And that takes enormous resources. The intrusion of school work into his free time (because it’s not homework really, it’s school work that follows him home) is a huge bone of contention. At this point his resource hours are for homework/studying and self regulation and we manage a little more in a very strict time frame. I sign against anything that wasn’t completed and the teachers accept that. I have a rule with ds that we don’t neglect the same subject twice in a row.

I’ve had to be flexible and creative with study - it’s not a table top, book based activity. We study on the trampoline or handing upside down, or tossing a ball. Sometimes I get a monologue in the car. It all counts.

I was raised in an era where all the dc who didn’t work hard in school were considered lazy or stupid and I built an identity around being hard working and intelligent. Ds is working hard (expending a lot of energy) going to school, participating and sitting through classes, navigating social life, and he is intelligent. But I have to be mindful of burnout with him which is a real danger.

My dd has ASD and is very high achieving academically. Except for her lack of organization and ability to keep track of papers and work outside school. It is the bane of our existence and a huge source of anxiety.

in year 7, she would get overwhelmed by the school bag and just organizing the homework that needed to be done. If we sat down at the kitchen table and did her homework together, she typically worked pretty Independently and just asked me the occasional clarifying question about an instruction. Teachers do not understand our ASD brains look for every inconsistency in wording and they don’t tend to be the most precise writers. Sometimes if she was getting overwhelmed I would step in and get her back on track, but mostly, just me sitting there, knowing I was helping was enough for her to get the work done.

she is now year 9 and thankfully has outgrown the need for me to sit there the whole time, but it still happens occasionally. If she is really blocked on an assignment, I sit there and provide a bit of guidance, but mostly just reassurance that she can do it.

Lots of good advice here about decompressing and helping her to plan.
My daughter with ASD responded best when there was a schedule, but where she had been involved in making up that schedule.

We had a big magnetic whiteboard weekly planner in the kitchen for her. Every Sunday (in a scheduled slot!) we sat down together and looked at the coming week.

Each day there were things that to be done - some were non-negotiable, such as the prep for school and actually being in school but we mapped them all out anyway so she could visualise each day, then other stuff needed to be done but the timing could be more flexible.

So if after school she needs down time, homework time, dinner time, violin, shower etc, how would she like to organise all of that? My daughter would still struggle at times (mostly I don't want to have a shower!) but because it was on the schedule and she had actually written it in (that was important for us, I did not actually make the plan) she usually went along with it.

So if you (say) had an agreed hour for homework each day, then you could look at more targeted ways to support her actual homework needs in that slot (because they will vary so not always easy to plan for everything).

My DD is studying for an MSc now and is very structured with her days and study plans, more post-its and highlighters than you can imagine but works really well for her, we just gradually removed the scaffolding until she didn't need it any more.

@SummerBreeze1980

I'd agree that if she is struggling with the school day, let the homework go.
The best piece of advice I ever had was nothing is as important as your relationship with your child. Don't destroy it over homework.
Life was a lot better for us both when I stopped putting my expectations on him.
He got there in his own time

School have agreed for DS to drop two lessons he hates (not core) to do homework in, but he does have an EHCP so they are way more flexible

I also agree with having a schedule. It helped my dd immensely at points. We don’t need it anymore, but when we did, we really needed it.

she also needs food and downtime right when she gets home. She takes a snack to her room, puts on pajamas, and has screen time. She needs to get rid of the tension from the school day before she can face homework.

Yes, all done in one go currently. As someone also with adhd who spent uni procrastinating essays and then writing 5k words in a day, I can relate.

I'm guessing this strategy won't last forever but it's manageable for now. She also refuses to do homework at the weekend so this is the compromise.

From an ND aspect, this probably won't work; she'll just not do it and swan dive unless you're very lucky.

Ha - that cake sounds great!

Thank you that's reassuring.

My eldest was home educated so this is my first going through the school system and the challenges are so different!

Yes, it is so hard trying to get the chill out time, dinner time, homework time, wind down time and bedtime all fitting in to one evening!

Unfortunately, that last minute panic for DD just ends up in a meltdown.

I take your point about 'learning the hard way' but all I can see is the consequence is she's falling behind her peers which doesn't really affect her at this stage.

Yes, this is exactly how I feel!

It is a delicate balance.

That's good to hear how your DD has developed. I'm still packing DD's bag at this point but getting some help from her sometimes.

DD will sometimes say she'll do her homework on her own and goes up to her room. Then something else catches her eye and no homework is done! So I need to sit with her to keep her on track with various levels of involvement. Sometimes I can just sit on the armchair in her room doing my own thing while she works at her desk but most of the time I am more involved, at the moment.

Yes, it is so hard trying to get the chill out time, dinner time, homework time, wind down time and bedtime all fitting in to one evening!

This is such an important point. I grew up in South Africa. Our school days started a bit earlier, but often finished earlier too and extra curricular was usually incorporated into post-school hours and over by no later than 5pm.

It gave us a lot more time for both chilling out as well as eating dinner etc.

I often struggle to get the balance right between insisting the DC do their homework/attend their extra curricular etc, and also get enough time to chill, read, watch tv, hang out with friends AND then go to bed a bit earlier. DD9 is NT and DS13 has ADHD. For years, the fact that my children went to bed later was a source of endless frustration for me. Now I see it as a blessing - they have a bit more time for all the things they want/need to do. On the other hand, they do only wake up at 7:30 which is the only thing that facilitates this later bed time. At their age I was up by no later than 6:30 as we had to leave for school before 7:30.

I have no idea of this sort of shift would help you at all. I also know a LOT of children who do homework (or music practice etc) before school because they're up early anyway, so they have that extra half hour then. Would that be an option for you at all?

My autistic son is in year 7, he does his homework at school on a Thursday afternoon. Anything that doesn't get done then he does the absolute bare minimum effort to avoid detention (unless it's art which he loves) and even that takes me scaffolding and reminding and is always last minute.
He needs loads of downtime and I take a view that just going to school is hard enough for him, I'm not going to make home really stressful too. This is hard for me as I am a massive people pleaser and academic but I'm not him and school isn't everything. He's incredibly bright and will hopefully find his own way.

One thing that eventually helped my dd was to stop using the organization system “recommended” (aka required) by the school. She has a very different folder system that we custom designed for her. It has fewer categories, and the folders even open differently. We sort papers and keep most of them at home and only send the bare minimum to school each day. We have bigger filing system at home that again, we picked because it was easier for her to use, not because it was one the school liked