To wonder why these women don’t speak to me?

[atchoooo]

I’m in my mid 20s and over the past few years have met 2 women who are quite older than me through work. These friendships were separate of each other but all similar - they call me their work daughter/say they’re my mum. They would get me birthday gifts/housewarming presents etc. We would socialise outside of work and they would very much treat me like a daughter almost, and also share some really personal things about themselves. They’d check on me, encourage me, build me up etc. we’d regularly go out together whether that’s lunch or something else. I even spent Valentine’s Day with one of them after she split up with her partner.

Anyway as soon as either I or they left the job we worked in together, that’s it. We had each other’s numbers but the friendship has completely fizzled out on their end.

Whilst I’m aware colleagues are just that - what I find confusing about this is how “close” they said we were so it’s almost like having whiplash with how things are now. I’m not close to my own mother so definitely appreciated their company!

Ah that sucks. It is a bit of a thing with work friends though, a lot of the time they fizzle out very fast once you leave. It's nothing personal at all most likely, it's just the way it goes.

You aren't being unreasonable to feel the way you do. It's disappointing but unfortunately work friendships are often just that.

It is a shame, but is the friendliness still there if you do run into each other? With mentor type relationships, you don't need to see them frequently.

We don’t run into each other, we have each other in social media. Tbh I think our relationship was more personal than mentorship. We definitely knew ins and outs of each other’s lives

Why don't you arrange a get together with them?

They don’t really reply to my messages plus cancel at short notice

That’s such a shame.

It does seem to happen often. Out of sight out of mind.

I have found this is often the way with work friendships, even if you are really close. It does hurt but over the years you will grow a thicker skin. Don't take it personally.

That’s a shame but probably nothing personal. It’s easy to be close friends when you see each other in work every day. Maybe it has just fizzled out and it’s nothing more sinister than that

Happens all the time to me. Sometimes my fault as life gets in the way, sometimes theirs. If they have kids/ grandkids/ medical conditions it can be difficult to make the effort and it isn’t easy when you don’t see someone all the time.

I'm in my forties so have a bit more life experience and can tell you that's absolutely normal.

You spend more time at work in most cases but as soon as you move to a different workplace you meet new people.

It's perfectly fine, it's just the end of a chapter and new people coming into your life.

I don't have many friends, never have done - I'm an introverted empath so quite happy on my own.

If you want friends out of work then maybe start some hobbies or similar.

DPs middle aged/older female colleagues are very much typical of this behaviour to the new younger females too. They'll take them under their wings and play mother hen then drop them like a sacka spuds. I kinda just get the feeling it's typical office vibes 😬 ignore it, move on and find your groove with your new work colleagues at a comfortable arms length ☺️

Situationship vs real friendship. Horrible when you realise that what you thought was friendship was so one sided. I've had it too and it hurts every time

That's a shame but I think it's quite common with work colleagues. I have been close with some over the years but the friendships fizzled out once no longer working together. Don't take it to heart. It's just life gets busy and we're all spinning plates, it's not surprising that we drop a few. I have trouble keeping up with even my few closest friends when life gets really busy, I'm still thinking about them and care 😊

Like everyone else has said, this is just how some friendships go. I've felt very close to work friends before (went to each others weddings and stuff) but I think unless you saw them outside of the work place quite regularly, the friendship just isn't likely to stay. People are busy, life and different priorities take over. It's ok to feel upset but it really wouldn't be personal. I think finding friends through hobbies to be more long lasting.

I do have quite a few ex-colleagues who are friends (many more I was friendly with who aren't). In each case we had something in common outside of work - lived close, children the same ages, already did a leisure activity together before we became ex colleagues etc.

Otherwise your commonality is just work and people soon lose interest in hearing what's happening at their old workplace, especially if you don't meet naturally in the course of everyday life.

It's sad that people do drop out of your life over time but new ones come along too.

I have found that this sort of thing happens a lot with work colleagues unfortunately. I would say it’s mostly down to the fact they have different lives and interests outside of work and they have their own group of friends in their personal lives.

I admit that I have also been guilty of ‘forgetting’ about work colleagues due to the fact that I do not share common interests with them outside of work/ age differences/ different lifestyles and the ones who I did become friends with have either left their job and moved on and our friendships have fizzled out or that they have been happy to drop me for the ‘new girl’ as soon as we get a new starter so nowadays I just see colleagues as colleagues and keep them separate from my personal life.

You saw it as friend friends. They saw it as best work friends.

So sorry OP. Work friends can sadly be hugely fickle. Out of all the places I've worked, and the many people I've grown close to, only a few have lasted the distance over the years as I've moved with jobs. Despite me trying my best to keep things going. I do think people are just so much worse at staying in touch, organizing meet ups etc. Post pandemic we are all a lot more selfish but also preoccupied with the many challenges of life today.

I'd leave space now, you will only hurt yourself more if you keep trying to get a response. I know that as I've been there. You sound lovely and I really hope the next work friends you make are better ones.

It's a shame but unfortunately does tend to happen with work friendships.

I had soo many very close work friends who I’d do a lot with in and out of work and when the part of our working life ended so did many of the close bonds. I still have these people on social media and at first we would try to arrange to meet up etc but eventually it fizzled out. I still think very highly of them all and appreciate the bond we shared and how happy they made my work life at that time ! But every one is super busy in life these days ! I find it hard to see my very close friends & family let alone others. I would try not to take it personally.

You might have heard the saying "Friends for a reason, friends for a season, friends for a lifetime" and friends you should've run away from ?

These women were your friends for a reason - they felt you needed mentoring or encouragement at work - and a season, the length of time you worked together. It's quite nice, really.

It's perfectly normal to feel sad about losing them as you've moved on. As we gain experience, I think we learn that people mostly come and go in our lives. Some turn this into a reason to avoid getting close to people, but usually we're able to appreciate whatever each friendship brings to us for as long as it lasts. Be glad to have known them, and don't forget to do the same for younger women in your future!

This is very true.

And being "friends for a season" doesn't mean that the friendship wasn't real / good / meaningful. You just can't stay friends with everyone, so it's time to move on.

This is how some friendships go, but if they're on your social media you can maybe continue to have some contact with them, whilst lowering your expectations about how close or frequent this will be.
Is it possible that the friendships meant more to you than to the women themselves, so that they've moved on more easily? The mother/daughter thing sounds a bit intense, and I'm wondering if that feeling came more from your side than theirs.

In all my years of working, I only have one “work friendship” survive me leaving the job (and I knew that person vaguely in a social capacity beforehand anyway). I find with most work friends, they are people I wouldn’t hang out with if I didn’t work with them. Not that they aren’t decent people, but it’s a friendship of convenience if that makes sense!