To think I'm just not what most men want

[Justkeepswiimming]

Worryingly already close to a pity post. Although it's not meant to be. I'm 34. I've been separated from my ex for 4 years. I'd been with him since 17. Before that I had one other proper boyfriend and few teenager messing arounds.

I've just got to the point of think I'm just not really what men want. Undateable. My ex didn't want me. I've been single since. I've tried dating apps but honestly I think they show up how much I'm not what men want, rather than improving the situation. I'd like to say here I'm genuinely happy in my own company. I'm happy with my life. I love my relationship with my daughter. I love my independentand the life ive created. I don't really feel anything is missing most of the time. But equally I know I may not always feel like this. And I don't actually feel if the time comes, I'd actually find someone.

I'm not conventionally attractive. Pretty plain. I'm not faffed with grooming. I don't wear much make-up, keep my nails short. Don't tan. But I do care about my appearance. I have a practical dress sense, but not awful I don't think. I'm a reasonably intelligent person. Almost certainly too opinionated and independent. Not typically feminine.

Am I beyond hope? Many men seem to have a completely different ideal to a woman. OD shows men to be interested in sex and not much else, and I'm not the kind of person who wants quick s*ag. There are so many beautifully groomed women out there. I mean this feels ridiculous writing it. But equally. At 35 nearly. The idea of a future with no one else. It's feels a bit grim. Where are the less shallow men who a prepared to look deeper?

To be honest it probably isn't you, its probably that a lot of men your age might be put off by someone who already has a child of their own

Most people try to look their best when meeting new people.

Have you tried being a bit more bothered about grooming? If so, how have people reacted?

when you see couples walking around Tesco on a weekend , are they all supermodel looking? Are the women all well groomed? Are they all super attractive? Or are they largely average looking women? All shapes sizes, looks, short, tall, fat, etc

the answer of course is that they are largely average looking. Therefore you don’t have to super conventionally attractive for a man to fancy you and love you. and it also means that men don’t only go for super hot looking women. My happily partnered friends are also a mix of looks and yet their husbands adore them,

please don’t think that you’re only deserving of love if you’re a super attractive woman. It’s simply not the truth at all

Have you heard of lalalaletmeexplain? She has a podcast and Instagram and so much of it speaks about modern dating, what men are like, how to value yourself when it feels like nobody wants you etc. I find it really helpful.

Could you look at your social circle instead? Maybe hobbies?

Honestly I think you have conquered the most important life skill, being happy in your own skin and company and being independent.

Those are extremely attractive qualities.

I was single as a lone parent for years. Like you, happy etc

I did meet someone and he's like me, single parent, very independent etc.

You'll be fine OP, you'll meet someone who deserves you.

I mean I’m not what most men want, but you only need one right?

I don’t think it has a thing to do with grooming honestly (it will be a cold day in hell before men care about nails). If some of them are put off by anything it will be your daughter.

But not everyone will be put off by a child. Online Dating is a numbers game so I would get back to it honestly, be clear you want a relationship, meet them quickly (chatting online is a waste of time) and move on if they aren’t right.

If you are into waking or running (you mention a practical dress sense) walking and running clubs are good places to meet men.

Do stop feeling sorry for yourself though, it’s pointless and self pity is a turn off (sorry to be so blunt).

I would suggest looking elsewhere rather than OLD. I am very much as you describe (though older now) and my DH adores me. You wouldn't find him online looking for a quick shag though. Much more likely to meet him or someone like him at work, your local chess club or cycling....If you have a SPICE branch nearby, consider joining them. It's not a dating club as such, more of a singles social club. Also try clubs or groups for a hobby you're interested in.

I think you sound fabulous. I know for a fact that my husband would love and appreciate all of your qualities, and he's absolutely wonderful. There really are lovely men out there. Stay off OLD and explore different avenues where you're more likely to meet quality people.

Given that you were with your ex since you were 17, had a serious boyfriend before that - you have been in a relationship for most of your adult life. Being on your own and getting to know yourself is a good thing. Don’t just measure your worth by what men want.

OP why on earth do you think men would care that your nails are short? If anything, men find long nails off putting, especially if they’ve been nail shopped.

Do you want to appeal to Mr Bog-Standard, or Mr A-Bit-Different?

If you want Mr Bog-Standard, then you're probably not going to get him, because he wants his perception of the perfect woman, i.e. looks like she stepped out of a magazine.

But why the hell would you want someone who didn't like original people?

You seem to want to appeal to 'most men'. Why? Surely you just want to appeal to one, and you have to find him? He's unlikely to show up easily amongst all the common or garden boring blokes out there, isn't he?

@Hermittrismegistus I'm notnsure I mentioned I don't make any effort. As I said. I do care about my appearance. But I'm not the makeup type. When I wear it I keep it simple and neutral. I don't think I could be described as unkempt. But I'm not polished. Or glam. Or whatever.

I’d definitely try elsewhere from OLD. I met my DP in my forties, locally, walking my dog, he was a neighbour! He absolutely adores me, as I do him, he finds me beautiful…I don’t groom any part of my body, have short nails as garden and have horses, I don’t do anything to my eyebrows, rarely wear make up etc. I have stretch marks and wobbly bits that he likes. I’m intelligent and inquisitive.
OLD is dispiriting and, I feel, often degrading. Go to your local pub, wine bar with friends, do things you like - I sail and there’s loads of single men who do. Just be open to chatting with men anywhere. And take a second look at your neighbours 😆.

@Watchkeys I certainly don't want Mr Ordinary. Or even to be attractive to all. Nobody is that! One or two would be good though 🤣

I must be getting old…what the hell is OLD? Can someone enlighten me please?

You are definitely not unreasonable to think this. My sister in law has been going through the same thing as you. The dating pool seems awful! I don’t know you but I would bet a fortune that it’s the visibly available men that are the issue, not you. She tells me her stories and they really just seem to want hook ups. And even then only if it’s convenient and they won’t bother to cancel plans do stand her up, or cancel last minute. I really think trying to find someone has been really bad for her mental health. I don’t know the answer but it’s a rubbish situation!

@DoctorDolittle I'm so glad yo hear someone say to ditch OLD! So many people say to me, 'how do you expect to meet someone'. But largely I just don't think they are my cup of tea. Or me theirs. And it's lovely to hear your story. I'm very glad for you.

On Line Dating

OLD is unfortunately not a very nice place, and whilst I did find some ok men on it, lots of behaviour was unsavoury. Don't go on there for a while, you will find your self-esteem rising, not falling!

You don't need to appeal to 'most men', just to one who sees you and sees the life you could have together. I know that's easy to say, and hard when they aren't appearing, but mostly I've found that people who want relationships, go out quite a bit, do interesting hobbies and are reasonably presentable have ended up in relationships, if anything more successfully over a certain age. Men under 40 are all muddled up what they want, especially with OLD.

Don't let OLD dim your light, keep doing the things you like, with friends, with new people, looking after your child, and an opportunity may present itself, and if it doesn't, you still will be having a nice life.

I reckon you are the kind of person that would grow on someone, so a slow burner type thing in the workplace or edge of social circle, rather than a whirlwind internet dating catalogue style shag fest.

Hang in there!

@SquirrelHash a grower is probably a great description 🤣. At least I hope so.

Why do you want a relationship with a man? Apart from copulation what do you think he can provide to make your life more comfortable and fulfilling?

First off you need to stop being so down on yourself. You don't need to be stunning or glam to be someone's type. Also nothing wrong with independence or opinionated, usually only weak men that can't handle this and who the fuck wants one of those anyway?

You’ve talked at length about what you don’t have to offer; what do you have to offer? What about you would make the stable, attractive, interesting, solvent men out there who are looking for a relationship interested? They exist, I know loads of them - but they all avoid the sorts of negative women who are bogged down in the mindset that “men” just want a shag or are only looking for fake, glossy bimbos and nothing else.

@ComtesseDeSpair I'm well aware I have an awful lot to offer. And I'm certainly not suggesting fantastic men don't exist. Although OLD is a cesspit and nothing will convince me otherwise. 🤣