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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by DM’s behaviour today?

61 replies

Sdux39 · 28/04/2024 19:13

Long ramble here so as not to drip feed…

I am close to my mum; we text most days and she is part of my childcare doing 2 days a week for us. She does this by choice and volunteered when I was pregnant with DS back in early 2020. They have a great relationship and DS loves his time with her. Occasionally, she has booked a holiday during term time (I’m a headteacher) and so I’ve had to sort other childcare. I find this quite stressful but I haven’t said anything as it’s her life and she deserves to go on holiday when she wants to. I grew up in a very intense and emotional household and so I feel like I’m
perhaps too passive and people please to keep the peace. This is the same at work and I’ve really had to work on being assertive and then not getting emotionally low when people don’t like decisions I’m making etc.

Today was my DF’s birthday. I believed that we were supposed to be going over to their house between 11:30-12 to open presents before going out for a Sunday roast. Just before leaving my DS did the classic thing of needing a big poo (tmi, sorry!) and he likes to take his time doing this. My parents live a 6 minute drive from us. By the time he had finished and we left the house all cleaned up, we arrived at their house at 12, to an awful atmosphere. My DM was clearly angry and started shouting at me and DH, using awful language and saying we should “fucking engage” with plans etc. To my knowledge we haven’t had any previous issues with them believing we have been late? My DF seemed absolutely fine with us but kept quiet and out of her way. She believed we were late, which I did not believe, as I thought the plan was a bit more laid back. I think this is a case of miscommunication but either way I’m really upset and angry at being spoken to in this way. This is not the first time she has done this. As I said, I grew up in a very intense and emotionally charged household.

AIBU to say something to her about speaking to me in this way or should I just ignore it and carry on as normal for the sake of peace. I don’t mind if she was upset with me for believing I was late but surely just a conversation would’ve been fine without shouting and swearing?

YABU - you were clearly late and deserved to be “told off”

YANBU - no one should speak to you in this way, late or not

OP posts:
MrsElsa · 28/04/2024 19:16

Did she do this where your DS could see or hear?

There's your answer I'm afraid

MumMumMumMumMumMumMum · 28/04/2024 19:16

Why on earth didn't you just say you thought you had that half hour window to get there? Did you say anything?

Changingplace · 28/04/2024 19:16

Did you not challenge her at the time and say we’d agreed we’d be with you between 11.30-12, and it’s literally 12, why the drama? I would not put up with being spoken to like that, she was very rude and unreasonable.

Original poster
Sdux39 · 28/04/2024 19:20

To be honest, I didn’t really want to fuel any fire or get into an argument on my dad’s birthday, so I just let her shout it out 🤷‍♀️ my DS was in another room playing so likely didn’t hear.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 28/04/2024 19:20

I grew up in a very intense and emotionally charged household.
Or was it emotionally abusive?

Greywitch2 · 28/04/2024 19:21

I cannot imagine my DM shrieking abuse at anyone like this. I'd be very unhappy at being spoken to like that by anyone. Presumably she did this in front of your 3/4 year old?

The main problem, by the sound of your OP, is that she does 2 days a week free childcare for you, so you don't feel you can say anything. I'd be looking for a childminder instead, but obviously you are having to walk on egg shells round your foul mouthed mother in case she suddenly refuses to have your DS and leaves you in the lurch. Clearly as a HT you can't work from home, or not go in to school and therefore she has you over a barrel.

OrangeSlices998 · 28/04/2024 19:22

Had you or DP let her know you were running late? That would be polite. However her reaction is way over the top and inappropriate and unfair, I can imagine it felt horrible for you, having also grown up with an emotional and volatile parent

Original poster
Sdux39 · 28/04/2024 19:24

Justmuddlingalong · 28/04/2024 19:20

I grew up in a very intense and emotionally charged household.
Or was it emotionally abusive?

I don’t think it was abusive, no. My parents loved us very much and did a good job, generally. They are both, however, intense people with lots of feelings, which we were privy to from a young age. In contrast, I am
not overly emotional and sometimes have even been called cold or withdrawn, as I think the drama is just too much for me!

OP posts:
IncognitoUsername · 28/04/2024 19:24

I would have turned round and gone back home. Sorry DF but no-one is allowed to swear at me like that. It’s just not acceptable.
To be fair I would have dropped DM a quick text to say we were on our way, as you clearly had intended to get there earlier.

Orangemangogrape · 28/04/2024 19:25

She isn't acceptable childcare.

Original poster
Sdux39 · 28/04/2024 19:25

OrangeSlices998 · 28/04/2024 19:22

Had you or DP let her know you were running late? That would be polite. However her reaction is way over the top and inappropriate and unfair, I can imagine it felt horrible for you, having also grown up with an emotional and volatile parent

No we didn’t, as we believed that we had this relaxed half-hour window but I was clearly wrong. Next time, if this happens again, I will certainly have one of us message to confirm. Thank you :)

OP posts:
Greywitch2 · 28/04/2024 19:25

my DS was in another room playing so likely didn’t hear.

C'mon, OP! You work with children. Of course he heard every word. Little pitchers have big ears. Unless you are going to claim your mother lives in a mansion you know that a child heard an angry, shouting, screaming adult. Small children have very acute hearing.

AnxiousRabbit · 28/04/2024 19:26

YANBU but if she is anything like my mother she will be in denial and not take anything you say on board anyway.

In my experience I tend to say something as calmly as I can at the time and then let it go. She isn't going to change now and it's emotionally draining trying to deal with it. I don't agree with "going no contact" except in very extreme circumstances, especially with older family who are going to need support as they age...and age may have something to do with their behaviour. Also for the sake of my Dad and siblings and my children.

Did you text to say you were running late? I know you weren't late....but later than you planned.

nutbrownhare15 · 28/04/2024 19:26

You should challenge it but she sounds likely to take it badly and/or withdraw childcare.

chaticat · 28/04/2024 19:28

I don't see how it can possibly be relevant that you find it stressful when she wants to go on holiday as she's your childcare.

Just get proper paid for ofsted approved childcare.

Roundtoedshoes · 28/04/2024 19:29

YANBU, but clearly you feel you can’t say anything in case she leaves you in the lurch with childcare, so I’d get that sorted and then have it out - it’s clearly not a one off.

I’m not sure why you mentioned the holidays she has occasionally taken (apart from the fact it annoys you and is clearly a pain) as this is a separate issue and to be expected with free childcare. Once your child is in school this won’t be much of an issue as you will be off as well.

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 28/04/2024 19:29

Next visit give her a running commentary of your journey. Wouldn't be happy obwqs relying on her tbh. What does had lots of feelings mean?

PonyPatter44 · 28/04/2024 19:31

"Intense" people are hugely tiresome to be around, in my experience. Your parents sound like unlikeable drama queens, I'm afraid. If you could get to a point where you weren't dependent on them for anything tangible, I think you might feel more confident and adult around them.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 28/04/2024 19:32

She’s nuts, I’d be out of there in a hot minute! wtf is wrong with her!

Original poster
Sdux39 · 28/04/2024 19:32

Roundtoedshoes · 28/04/2024 19:29

YANBU, but clearly you feel you can’t say anything in case she leaves you in the lurch with childcare, so I’d get that sorted and then have it out - it’s clearly not a one off.

I’m not sure why you mentioned the holidays she has occasionally taken (apart from the fact it annoys you and is clearly a pain) as this is a separate issue and to be expected with free childcare. Once your child is in school this won’t be much of an issue as you will be off as well.

Sorry, totally see your point.

I think what I mean is that I feel like I often don’t challenge things with her for fear of upsetting/ hurting/ disturbing the peace but then incidents like today have me seeing that the same courtesy isn’t offered to me and everything has to be a charged and dramatic episode if that makes sense?

OP posts:
ToxicChristmas · 28/04/2024 19:33

IncognitoUsername · 28/04/2024 19:24

I would have turned round and gone back home. Sorry DF but no-one is allowed to swear at me like that. It’s just not acceptable.
To be fair I would have dropped DM a quick text to say we were on our way, as you clearly had intended to get there earlier.

I agree with this.
I'd have apologied to DF, given him his presents and left without engaging further with DM. Screaming abuse and swearing for someone being 30 minutes late is awful - I would never do that to someone, however annoyed I was. I'd be looking at alternative childcare -not to punish DM but because that behaviour is worrying and so over the top.

Topseyt123 · 28/04/2024 19:33

I don't see why you didn't just tell her to stop speaking to you like that, turn round and go straight home. Doing anything else is just being a sitting duck and staying to let her shout her abuse (that's what it is).

That's what I would have done.

I think you should message her now and tell her in no uncertain terms that if she ever speaks to you like that again then you will leave immediately. Leave her in no doubt. You are her adult daughter, no longer her child.

IncognitoUsername · 28/04/2024 19:35

Topseyt123 · 28/04/2024 19:33

I don't see why you didn't just tell her to stop speaking to you like that, turn round and go straight home. Doing anything else is just being a sitting duck and staying to let her shout her abuse (that's what it is).

That's what I would have done.

I think you should message her now and tell her in no uncertain terms that if she ever speaks to you like that again then you will leave immediately. Leave her in no doubt. You are her adult daughter, no longer her child.

Yes, and I’d start looking for alternative childcare asap too

Gymmum82 · 28/04/2024 19:37

I’m trying to imagine a scenario where my DH would just stand idly by while my mother screamed abuse in my face.
He would have told her in no uncertain terms it’s was completely unacceptable and we were leaving.
I would fine alternative childcare for your child. God knows what she’s saying to him when you’re not there if she rants like that to you for being 30 mins late

LuluBlakey1 · 28/04/2024 19:38

She behaves like this because you allow her to- whether it's rarely, sometimes or often that she does it.