To be upset by DM’s behaviour today?

[Sdux39]

Long ramble here so as not to drip feed…

I am close to my mum; we text most days and she is part of my childcare doing 2 days a week for us. She does this by choice and volunteered when I was pregnant with DS back in early 2020. They have a great relationship and DS loves his time with her. Occasionally, she has booked a holiday during term time (I’m a headteacher) and so I’ve had to sort other childcare. I find this quite stressful but I haven’t said anything as it’s her life and she deserves to go on holiday when she wants to. I grew up in a very intense and emotional household and so I feel like I’m
perhaps too passive and people please to keep the peace. This is the same at work and I’ve really had to work on being assertive and then not getting emotionally low when people don’t like decisions I’m making etc.

Today was my DF’s birthday. I believed that we were supposed to be going over to their house between 11:30-12 to open presents before going out for a Sunday roast. Just before leaving my DS did the classic thing of needing a big poo (tmi, sorry!) and he likes to take his time doing this. My parents live a 6 minute drive from us. By the time he had finished and we left the house all cleaned up, we arrived at their house at 12, to an awful atmosphere. My DM was clearly angry and started shouting at me and DH, using awful language and saying we should “fucking engage” with plans etc. To my knowledge we haven’t had any previous issues with them believing we have been late? My DF seemed absolutely fine with us but kept quiet and out of her way. She believed we were late, which I did not believe, as I thought the plan was a bit more laid back. I think this is a case of miscommunication but either way I’m really upset and angry at being spoken to in this way. This is not the first time she has done this. As I said, I grew up in a very intense and emotionally charged household.

AIBU to say something to her about speaking to me in this way or should I just ignore it and carry on as normal for the sake of peace. I don’t mind if she was upset with me for believing I was late but surely just a conversation would’ve been fine without shouting and swearing?

YABU - you were clearly late and deserved to be “told off”

YANBU - no one should speak to you in this way, late or not

Shocking on her behalf to think it is acceptable to shout at you like that. My sister used to do this to me all the time but would rarely do to anyone else. Last time she started I said stop the car and I just got out as not been verbally abused anymore. It is their anger issues and if we let them get away with it they will keep doing it. I would really look for other childcare as she does not sound stable enough to be behaving like this. If your child does something wrong is she going to shout like a maniac at her also. She needs anger management or to do something to help her to calm down as not the way normal people behave. Yes she has a right to be upset if you are late but let her talk to you like an adult and not like a bloody lunatic. Very distressing and I think I would just have handed the presents/cards to your dad and left and went home and waited for an apology from her but I understand you did not want to ruin your dad's birthday. Does she shout at your dad like this also.

Hmmmmm

OP you need to quit people pleasing. Lots of people pleasers have grown up with parent/s like this. I always had to walk on eggshells with my father and the resultant people pleasing that I have engaged in for decades after leaving home has really not served me well.

What you need to think about, when you are people pleasing, is whether you would treat another person as you are being treated.

Can you ever imagine a scenario in which your ds comes to visit you as an adult and you greet him with “ENGAGE WITH THE FUCKING ARRANGEMENTS” - I bet you can’t.

Also your dad is an adult. You have nothing to fear if you answer your very rude mother back, even if it is his birthday.

I would have replied:

-The arrangements were for us to arrive between 11:30 and 12:00. It’s 12:00 so I didn’t envisage this upsetting you.

then if she yapped back at that,

-we arrived towards the end of the arrival window because we had a toddler toileting issue to deal with.

most people would leave it there. If she continued, then “stop being so unpleasant otherwise we’ll be leaving.” And follow through.

she has you over a barrel re childcare. It’s giving her a licence to speak to you abusively. You need to put a stop to her behaviour - it’s not likely that it will stop her doing childcare and if she does,
it isn’t the end of the world - you can send him to nursery instead.

So you're saying you're scared to stand up to her because you rely on her for childcare?

There is one thing wrong here…and that is that as a family you are all WAY too enmeshed. Unhealthily so @Sdux39.

her language is horrible, unnecessary.

Yup

How do you know she doesn't swear and shout while looking after him

Horrible. Who does she think she is!
Surely the lunch/day was ruined after that.

This is my family set up too, though no swearing and no uncertainty about what time to arrive. There would have already been an intense discussion about whether 11.30am worked for mum and how 11.31 would be far too late and 11.29 too early 🤣

Don’t worry, once you recognise the dynamic you’ll find ways of managing it that work for you all. You don’t need to totally cut them off unless you want to!

Warning- she loves your DS now. Just keep an eye on that. Mine went off my kids when they stopped being compliant. As you’ve already noticed, your mum is the only one ‘allowed’ intense emotions. Everyone else has to fit in around the edges of her. She steals the oxygen in the room.

It’s manageable, imo. But it takes active management and you will feel much better about it when you give up hopes of an equitable authentic relationship and relax into ‘managing’ the situation.

The first time someone shouted and swore at me, particularly with my young son in the house, would be the last time.

What time did your DM think you were supposed to be there?