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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Fiance's Ex stayed the night at her place

51 replies

Kinj1973 · 28/04/2024 09:00

Ok, that sounds serious, but let me give some context.

I have been in an LDR with my fiance for over a year now. I'm 50, she's 41, not that that's at all relevant. She was with her baby daddy for 18 years. Long time, but he's a narcissist, and it took her a while to realise that.

So, the situation is this. Recently, my partner's ex (the narcissist) traveled back to her house with a bike for one of their kids (they have two children together). Now I'm fine with that. He stayed for dinner at the request of the youngest child. I'm fine with that also.

Now what I'm less fine with is this: After dinner, they wanted to have a discussion about problems their oldest child was having, but were hesitant to do so in front of the youngest. Fair enough. The youngest didn't go to bed until 9.30pm, so the discussion happened after that time. Where this gets problematic for me is, they talked so long that by the time they were done, there was a problem with the trains running, and so the ex had to stay the night in her house.

Now, I have an issue with that, for a number of reasons. To me, it is just simply NOT ok for an ex to stay overnight at my fiance's house. The train excuse just doesn't wash for me. As far as I'm concerned, once dinner was done, he should have been on a train home shortly thereafter. If a discussion about the oldest child needed to happen without the youngest listening in, then it should happen at a later time on the phone. Not run the risk of staying so late that he has no other option but to stay the night.

The other part that bothers me is that I found out he was there by being messaged by their oldest kid, who was a little weirded out that her dad, the ex, was there so late. My SO was not the one who told me. I suspect that she had no intention of telling me, because I do have an issue with retroactive jealousy and no doubt figured that I would explode. To my credit, I did not. I wasn't mad, just disappointed.

So my question is this. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting her ex to stay the night? Am I being unreasonable to ask that they should have planned this better so the probability of him not leaving was considerably reduced? And finally, am I being unreasonable to have expected her to tell me in advance what the hell was going on?

This to me broke a pretty serious boundary that I am having trouble with. And I want to be able to reinforce the 'no exes staying overnight' boundary without feeling I am being unreasonable for doing so.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
BiIIIie · 28/04/2024 09:06

I do have an issue with retroactive jealousy and no doubt figured that I would explode

YABU for this. You either trust your DP or you don't. You clearly don't if you're saying she made up "excuses".

Original poster
Kinj1973 · 28/04/2024 09:06

Also, if you vote 'unreasonable', please explain why. I would like to see counterarguments to what I've written.

OP posts:
Jokl · 28/04/2024 09:07

This seems to be a hard boundary for you, and she clearly doesn’t see any issue with it. It’s not about who is right or wrong imo, but just a case of you two not being compatible.
Also, you don’t get ‘credit’ for not acting like an angry buffoon by ‘exploding’ the minute you hear something you don’t like. I suggest you do some serious work on that, don’t let it affect any future relationships. Your girlfriend certainly shouldn’t be afraid to tell you things lest you react aggressively, especially not while you should still be firmly in the honeymoon stage.

LucyMacLean · 28/04/2024 09:10

You’re not being unreasonable on your main point, she shouldn’t have let her ex stay the night, I don’t believe there were no other options.

This part is unreasonable though -

I suspect that she had no intention of telling me, because I do have an issue with retroactive jealousy and no doubt figured that I would explode. To my credit, I did not. I wasn't mad, just disappointed.

What do you mean by explode? You’re not going to have an open, honest relationship if she is scared of you. And not ‘exploding’ on this occasion is not ‘to your credit’, it’s just a basic expectation.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 28/04/2024 09:10

If he slept on the sofa, fine. He’s the children’s father and you don’t get to say he can’t be there.
Don’t give yourself undeserved credit for not exploding - whoop de fucking do - no wonder she didn’t tell you.

BobbyBiscuits · 28/04/2024 09:12

It makes it sound like you are convinced they're sleeping together. There is no evidence to suggest this? Missing the last train sounds legit to me. Who hasn't done that once or twice in their life? I think she didn't say anything because of your jealousy.
It's fine to make it plain you are not comfortable with this, but don't go on a high horse accusing her of shagging him etc.

Itsonlymashadow · 28/04/2024 09:14

This is so fucked up.

You are in an ldr of a year and you have the child texting you to tell you their dad stayed the night? The person the child thought to text was their mums long distance partner because they were weirded out?

And you call him ‘her baby daddy’ and you are 50?

I wouldn’t be happy the ex stayed over. But good boundaries are clearly not something that’s part of your relationship.

Original poster
Kinj1973 · 28/04/2024 09:15

BobbyBiscuits · 28/04/2024 09:12

It makes it sound like you are convinced they're sleeping together. There is no evidence to suggest this? Missing the last train sounds legit to me. Who hasn't done that once or twice in their life? I think she didn't say anything because of your jealousy.
It's fine to make it plain you are not comfortable with this, but don't go on a high horse accusing her of shagging him etc.

Ah no, I don't think that. I'm just uncomfortable with him being there, due to their previous abusive relationship and codependency. If that's an unreasonable me thing that I need to work on then fine. That's why I posted.

OP posts:
Squirrelblanket · 28/04/2024 09:16

You are unreasonable for using the words 'baby daddy'. 🤮

Original poster
Kinj1973 · 28/04/2024 09:16

Itsonlymashadow · 28/04/2024 09:14

This is so fucked up.

You are in an ldr of a year and you have the child texting you to tell you their dad stayed the night? The person the child thought to text was their mums long distance partner because they were weirded out?

And you call him ‘her baby daddy’ and you are 50?

I wouldn’t be happy the ex stayed over. But good boundaries are clearly not something that’s part of your relationship.

Uh no, I didn't ask the child to text me. She did that of her own accord. I don't have her spying over there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kinj1973 · 28/04/2024 09:17

Squirrelblanket · 28/04/2024 09:16

You are unreasonable for using the words 'baby daddy'. 🤮

Hah, understood and agreed. Too much TikTok...

OP posts:
Itsonlymashadow · 28/04/2024 09:18

I suspect that she had no intention of telling me, because I do have an issue with retroactive jealousy and no doubt figured that I would explode. To my credit, I did not. I wasn't mad, just disappointed.

This has to be sort sort of sick joke.

To your credit you didn’t explode? Really?

If she feels she can’t tell you things because you will explode, she is still in an abusive relationship.

You don’t get credit for not exploding

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 28/04/2024 09:19

Your boundary is not unreasonable, but this is
I suspect that she had no intention of telling me, because I do have an issue with retroactive jealousy and no doubt figured that I would explode. To my credit, I did not. I wasn't mad, just disappointed.. No one should need to fear their partner will explode that's not ok in a relationship. Its good you didn't explode but not really something to congratulate yourself for because there shouldn't be a risk you would.

Original poster
Kinj1973 · 28/04/2024 09:19

Itsonlymashadow · 28/04/2024 09:18

I suspect that she had no intention of telling me, because I do have an issue with retroactive jealousy and no doubt figured that I would explode. To my credit, I did not. I wasn't mad, just disappointed.

This has to be sort sort of sick joke.

To your credit you didn’t explode? Really?

If she feels she can’t tell you things because you will explode, she is still in an abusive relationship.

You don’t get credit for not exploding

Fine, poorly worded. I don't 'explode', I am not abusive. I didn't get 'upset' then that a previously agreed boundary was broken. Does that help with the context here, or are you just in a 'shit all over this guy' mode now?

OP posts:
Itsonlymashadow · 28/04/2024 09:20

Kinj1973 · 28/04/2024 09:16

Uh no, I didn't ask the child to text me. She did that of her own accord. I don't have her spying over there.

Show quote history

For a child to feel weirded out and text their mums long distance boyfriend, there’s already shit boundaries.

You are ldr and only together a year. Why would the child be reaching out to you to tell you they are uncomfortable? How much contact do you have with this child?

Original poster
Kinj1973 · 28/04/2024 09:20

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 28/04/2024 09:19

Your boundary is not unreasonable, but this is
I suspect that she had no intention of telling me, because I do have an issue with retroactive jealousy and no doubt figured that I would explode. To my credit, I did not. I wasn't mad, just disappointed.. No one should need to fear their partner will explode that's not ok in a relationship. Its good you didn't explode but not really something to congratulate yourself for because there shouldn't be a risk you would.

Agreed, poorly worded, can't edit. Substitute 'explode' for 'get upset'.

OP posts:
TiredHippo · 28/04/2024 09:20

Sp she's going from one narcissist to a relationship where she's too scared to tell her partner thing sincase he explodes!!!! Poor woman.

Original poster
Kinj1973 · 28/04/2024 09:21

Itsonlymashadow · 28/04/2024 09:20

For a child to feel weirded out and text their mums long distance boyfriend, there’s already shit boundaries.

You are ldr and only together a year. Why would the child be reaching out to you to tell you they are uncomfortable? How much contact do you have with this child?

Show quote history

Very little. I was surprised to get the text.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 28/04/2024 09:21

@Kinj1973 if that's the reason then that sounds much more reasonable. If you just phrase it like that with her I'm sure she'll respect your wishes. But do not get angry. If she feels like you don't trust her it will push her away.

eatsleepfarmrepeat · 28/04/2024 09:22

YABU for the retroactive jealously and her expectation that you would “explode”. You sound as dangerous as her ex tbh.

aerkfjherf · 28/04/2024 09:22

it is not "to your credit" that you didn't explode. It is normal adult behaviour. This sentence alone makes me think you are not a good partner.

Also, who diagnosed the ex as a narc? Unless he has a medical diagnosis, he probably isn't.

Itsonlymashadow · 28/04/2024 09:24

Kinj1973 · 28/04/2024 09:19

Fine, poorly worded. I don't 'explode', I am not abusive. I didn't get 'upset' then that a previously agreed boundary was broken. Does that help with the context here, or are you just in a 'shit all over this guy' mode now?

Show quote history

Let’s not play the poor man with women being mean to him. To be honest I thought you were a woman.

You said explode. Because you meant explode.

If your partner was abused it’s likely she has poor boundaries now and is very vulnerable to further abuse.

She has introduced you to her kids and you clearly have a lot of contact with them. After a fairly short relationship. Poor boundaries.

She knew your boundary and didn’t work with it. Perhaps because she she struggles with setting boundaries with the ex

You describe yourself as exploding and have jealousy issues, outside this.

She doesn’t feel like she can be honest with you. Because you explode.

I think it sounds like a bit of a shit show.

Original poster
Kinj1973 · 28/04/2024 09:25

Itsonlymashadow · 28/04/2024 09:24

Let’s not play the poor man with women being mean to him. To be honest I thought you were a woman.

You said explode. Because you meant explode.

If your partner was abused it’s likely she has poor boundaries now and is very vulnerable to further abuse.

She has introduced you to her kids and you clearly have a lot of contact with them. After a fairly short relationship. Poor boundaries.

She knew your boundary and didn’t work with it. Perhaps because she she struggles with setting boundaries with the ex

You describe yourself as exploding and have jealousy issues, outside this.

She doesn’t feel like she can be honest with you. Because you explode.

I think it sounds like a bit of a shit show.

Show quote history

Duly noted, thanks for your input.

OP posts:
Branster · 28/04/2024 09:25

1 year long distance relationship and you are already engaged.
Really???
Why are you texting the kids? Is it you starting the messages or do they simply text you as and when they feel like it?

The only advice I would give, would be for your fiancé: step right back!
As a mother, what on earth are you doing? You barely know this guy, he's infiltrated in your life way too much and too fast. Your kids are texting him directly, and behind your back. And the guy says himself he could potentially 'explode'. This is a mature man, with a potential temper, meddling in your life and has your children giving him information about what is going on in Your home. Stop and think woman!

DrJoanAllenby · 28/04/2024 09:26

'I'm 50, she's 41, not that that's at all relevant. She was with her baby daddy '

You have greater issues than the drama in your relationship if at 50 years old you use the term 'baby daddy'!

That's the terminology of the immature and uneducated.