My Fiance's Ex stayed the night at her place

[Kinj1973]

Ok, that sounds serious, but let me give some context.

I have been in an LDR with my fiance for over a year now. I'm 50, she's 41, not that that's at all relevant. She was with her baby daddy for 18 years. Long time, but he's a narcissist, and it took her a while to realise that.

So, the situation is this. Recently, my partner's ex (the narcissist) traveled back to her house with a bike for one of their kids (they have two children together). Now I'm fine with that. He stayed for dinner at the request of the youngest child. I'm fine with that also.

Now what I'm less fine with is this: After dinner, they wanted to have a discussion about problems their oldest child was having, but were hesitant to do so in front of the youngest. Fair enough. The youngest didn't go to bed until 9.30pm, so the discussion happened after that time. Where this gets problematic for me is, they talked so long that by the time they were done, there was a problem with the trains running, and so the ex had to stay the night in her house.

Now, I have an issue with that, for a number of reasons. To me, it is just simply NOT ok for an ex to stay overnight at my fiance's house. The train excuse just doesn't wash for me. As far as I'm concerned, once dinner was done, he should have been on a train home shortly thereafter. If a discussion about the oldest child needed to happen without the youngest listening in, then it should happen at a later time on the phone. Not run the risk of staying so late that he has no other option but to stay the night.

The other part that bothers me is that I found out he was there by being messaged by their oldest kid, who was a little weirded out that her dad, the ex, was there so late. My SO was not the one who told me. I suspect that she had no intention of telling me, because I do have an issue with retroactive jealousy and no doubt figured that I would explode. To my credit, I did not. I wasn't mad, just disappointed.

So my question is this. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting her ex to stay the night? Am I being unreasonable to ask that they should have planned this better so the probability of him not leaving was considerably reduced? And finally, am I being unreasonable to have expected her to tell me in advance what the hell was going on?

This to me broke a pretty serious boundary that I am having trouble with. And I want to be able to reinforce the 'no exes staying overnight' boundary without feeling I am being unreasonable for doing so.

Thanks for reading.

YABU because you clearly lack trust in your relationship.
Your patting yourself on the back for not getting into a jealous state but clearly you are jealous as your have posted here.

If they need to discuss children then that comes first and whilst not ideal to then miss the last train home sleeping on the sofa or a spare room is hardly a crime.

You clearly have some issues you need to work on.

YANBU for being upset, I would have been.

But there's not much you can do. If I were in her shoes and let the ex stay on the sofa for whatever reason, I would be royally pissed if my new BF jumped on me with opinions.

It doesn’t sound like a very healthy relationship full stop.

have you spoken to her about this at all? Are you ever expecting to move in together?

YANBU for expecting honesty, YABU for lack of trust in someone you’re engaged to

You're unreasonable for using the term baby daddy , you're not a teenager from the hood . I think you need to grow up before you have a relationship.

Why do the kids even have your phone number? I can't see any reason they should need the number of their mum's fairly short term LDR and it's mental that one would text you to effectively snitch on their mum. Maybe they were hoping that you would explode again and break up with their mum.

Also, it’s not a great attitude towards her ex to diminish his role in her and her childrens life to ‘baby daddy’, when they had a long relationship and now seem to have an amicable co-parenting relationship. Especially as you’re considering her your life partner, which after a year of LDR is pretty big talk. It’s disrespectful to her and to her children and certainly doesn’t put you in a good light at all.

She shouldn’t have to schedule discussions about her children’s welfare around your wishes.
if she was happy for him to stay to have the chat done that night then she’s perfectly entitled to do that. Her short-term, long distance boyfriend should not be a consideration when she’s dealing with her child’s welfare.

Nothing in your post was about her, her wishes or her child’s welfare. It was all about you, your wishes, your minimising of her 18 year relationship to ‘baby daddy’ and being self congratulatory that you didn’t ‘explode’ about it.

Giving yourself credit because you didn’t explode that your girlfriend allowed someone to stay in her home to discuss the wellbeing of her child without asking your permission is franky ridiculous.

Their child messaged you to say they felt weirded out their dad was at the house late at night? Hmm.

Really, it's none of your business who she has staying overnight in her house. You are not the boss of her.

Also, to echo PP, you don't get a medal for not exploding.

And I’d be curious to know why the child was weirded out and messaged you. I wonder if the weirdness was in part concern about your tendency to ‘explode’ at things you don’t like…

Also, referring to the man she was in a long-term relationship with for 18 years and who is the father of her two children as her "baby daddy" is so dismissively arrogant that I hope she sees this thread, recognises that it's you, and runs a mile. There are so many red flags in your OP.

I do not think it is appropriate for the ex to be staying over so YANBU there.

YABU to "have issues with jealousy" that's not a good look and you shouldn't expect your partner to have to tread on eggshells or modify her behaviour because of your issues. You need to either go to therapy to work on yourself or just not be in a relationship if you can't keep it under control.

My SO was not the one who told me. I suspect that she had no intention of telling me, because I do have an issue with retroactive jealousy and no doubt figured that I would explode. To my credit, I did not. I wasn't mad, just disappointed
Baby daddy? wtf? He’s her ex partner a father to her children and you’re being utterly obnoxious.
You sound unpleasantly controlling and it’s hardly surprising she didn’t tell you knowing it would result in you exploding. She needs to think very hard about whether you’re safe to be around if you have such a nasty temper.

You should be more concerned about the fact that she was scared of your reaction.

So your fiancee was with a narcissist for almost two decades and had children with him. Now she's with someone who is showing controlling behaviour and mistrust.

Hmmmmm. I think she should set her bar higher.

I didn't ask the child to text me. She did that of her own accord.

Frankly I find this unbelievable. I think you’re being massively unreasonable and if I were in a relationship with you you’d be an ex fiancée this morning. No way would I have anyone dictating the parameters of my relationship with my children’s father. “Baby daddy” indeed! 🤮

She couldn't tell you because she was worried about your reaction. Think about that.

This with bells on.

Her children will always come first which means there will be things that concern her ex and he will always be in her life.

If you don't trust her then end the relationship. Don't try and control her.

Honestly? You trust her or you don’t. They have children together and so need to be in contact. There was a problem which meant it was a practical solution for him to sleep on the sofa/spare room or whatever. That’s what you do when you’re trying to cultivate a cordial ongoing relationship with your child’s other parent. If they wanted to get back together, they presumably could do so easily enough without concocting such a convoluted scenario. If that were me, I’d find all this talk of non negotiable boundaries extremely controlling; she’s a grown adult who makes decisions as she sees fit. Sounds like things didn’t work out as planned and she tried to be reasonable and helpful towards her ex. End of. There may well come a time when she needs his help in reverse.

I think the older child wants you out of their lives OP. And for good reason if this thread is genuine.

I also suspect this thread has been written by the older child.

Maybe the child texted because they were hoping Daddy was back and were telling you to stir the pot.

All the above and also the following stuck out to me ….And I want to be able to reinforce the 'no exes staying overnight' boundary without feeling I am being unreasonable for doing so

You have no right to enforce anything, in a loving and equal relationship where both parties can openly talk like adults there is no enforce.

Your partner (who has known you for less than a year only periodically as it’s a long distance thing) is already aware that you would explode, do you do that often?

As with many of these posts I just find myself worrying about the DC involved in these drama filled, abusive and messed up relationships where GROWN ADULTS cannot behave in a respectful, supportive and loving way.

Its a curious choice of words. Why use explode? It sets the tone of the relationship as being volatile and aggressive. If it was explode like her ex does that would make sense, but if you'd meant that you've have corrected it first time. I expect there are more explanations but the the only other reason I can think to write it if you didn't mean it is you wanted to score points for not exploding.

You obviously chose the word "explode" for a reason. It's very far away from "get upset".

I haven’t voted but YABU because relationships are complex and very occasionally conversations don’t come to a natural end in time for the last bus or train. The father of the children is there for life and you need to drop the rope on hard rules that state when you deem its tune to wrap things up. Without meaning to patronise you, honestly, fractured relationships need to find that occasional space to have the important conversations. I by choice would not give my ex the time of day, but there are times when he and I have long State of the Nation conversations that range from spellings to orthodontics. You need to allow space for those (emotionally exhausting, for the two parents involved) conversations to occasionally take place.

🤣 I sometimes call my husband my baby daddy—very 1990s! 🤣