Exes wife taking children on holiday

[chuckly777]

Children are 9 and 11. My ex also shares a younger child with his wife. They have been married for 7 years.

My ex has mentioned that the children are going to go away in the holidays with his wife and her family (ex not going). I wasn't asked, just told.

Would you be comfortable with this? Children get on fine with his wife and I believe her family too. It is during his time with them so he's saying it's not really up to me. Aibu?

All the kids are being treated the same. Isn't this what most posts about step children boil down to?

Yes it might have been nice to have been asked, not told, but if it's happening on his watch, then I am not sure what the problem is.

Had she been taking their child only and you were asked to change your arrangements, would this have been better for you, or would you have posted about the unfairness?

Too often step parents are lambasted on here for not involving step kids. Does feel a step parent can never do anything right from posts on here!

This!

I can see that would make you feel a bit funny but its rather lovely that your child is included with his other family.

Building lasting childhood memories with their sibling. Of course it’s ok.

He probably should have checked with you first but I couldn’t get myself worked up over this as whats good for the children should be first priority.

It wouldn’t be a hill I’d die on.

I feel like it’s lovely that they’re treated equally to the younger sibling, and that she cares for them and treats them the same. That’s something to appreciate and be happy about. For me, though, I don’t like the ‘told not asked’ attitude, and I’d also not like it if I had no relationship or communication with the stepmum.

I have very good friends I’ve been on holiday with, with all the kids, and not everyone is as (I feel) water/sea safe as I am. I also have friends who don’t overthink things like sleepovers and their kids being around unknown adults. It doesn’t mean I don’t like them or they’re bad parents, it’s just things I’m not comfortable with myself. If there’s other wider family there, I’d be concerned about random uncles etc and I’d also want to know everyone’s vigilance levels around my kids. So wouldn’t be a blanket no, but I’d want more communication and info.

I say this as someone who has taken a child that’s not mine here there and everywhere. I would expect a parent to be reassured and feel they have input etc though. However old they are, or whatever they want, they’re still YOUR babies and you have the right to know where they’re going and who with IMO. I’d want a good conversation with the wife to feel reassured.

Why?

How nice for your DCs to go on holiday with their sibling and SM.

I hope they enjoy themselves and have a great time.

And kudos to this SM for being fair, inclusive and loving to your DCs because there's plenty out there including many on MN who would rather die than put themselves out for 1 minute for their SCs.

Step parents cannot win on here.

If he’d asked rather than told you what would you have said?

Why are people saying she should have been asked, not told? If it's something happening entirely on ex's time, then it's up to him what he does with the children, surely?

What if she said no, then what? What are reasonable grounds for her to say no and how would that lead to peaceful coparenting?

As long as the kids are happy, then isn't it great that they are being included!

How often it's fractious that step children are excluded?

She's been married to their father for most of their lives; it seems fine, as long as there's no drip feed or other reason you feel uncomfortable?

Too many things could go wrong and there would not be a parent with PR there to agree to treatment or such like. I personally would never allow someone who is not their parent to take my children abroad, certainly not until they were old enough to advocate for themselves.

He shouldn't say it's nothing to do with you as it's his time. If it's his time where the hell is he going to be? You need to give permission. The holiday itself sounds good, but it's the fact you weren't asked.

Unless there’s a reason you wouldn’t want them to go, I’d try and get over the ‘asking/ telling’ issue and be excited for them. Also a massive help for you during the holidays I imagine.

Just think how much difference it will make for future relations if you reply “wow that’s really lovely of her thank you the kids will be thrilled” instead of questioning why you weren’t asked about it.

I've responded to another poster, but it's due to too many things that could go wrong and no one with PR to agree to treatment etc if required. I personally would never allow someone other than a parent to take my children abroad. Yes, that may be different to others but no one will take care of my children and make sure they are safe better than a parent and being abroad just adds a layer of complexity that I'm not comfortable with. What if they hated it and wanted to come home? Their father or I would not be easily able to get them, what if they ran off, what if they were hurt.

I do actually understand that you feel like you should have been 'asked' rather than 'told'.

But if you'd been asked and said 'no' I would have said you are being unreasonable!

I mean this kindly but I don't think this is a battle you need to have.

This. It’s really refreshing to see.

Step parents really can’t win, they go on holidays with only their biological children and they are mean and uncaring.

they go with all of the child and it’s uncomfortable.

yes your ex should have asked and maybe there is a story to why he told you instead but overall you children are being treated as equals.

Well she's treating them the same as would her own DC.....isn't that what SM's are supposed to do according to MN?

Honestly us SM's are damned if we do and damned if we don't.

My main issue would be about PR if anything should happen esp if abroad

You've missed the point op isn't suggesting everything needs permission she's saying the kids are being taken away on hols with just step parent and her family , her ex isn't going. She's concerned, she's their mother she's just checking on their welfare!

At 11 and 9 if the children were fine with this then I would be too. Theve known her along time and her child / their half sibling will be going too. It’s nice they are being treated equally.

If they are spending time with their step mum alone without their dad when you would be willing and able to have them it's really bad and is part of the new misogyny in the UK system.

Why is this misogynistic?

I'd be wanting reassurance thar she genuinely doesn't mind taking them and it's not a childcare issue. If it's a childcare thing he should be asking you first if you can look after them.