Worried about losing DD to her father and his new family

[WorriedMama12]

I have posted about my situation once before, not this side of things but previously about how much I was struggling with my ex just moving on so quickly and easily and replacing what we had. I'm doing a lot better now but am still struggling with certain aspects of the fallout of things.

My little girl turned two in February, she's my absolute world. Her father and I were together for almost 10 years however we were on and off during my pregnancy, more off than on actually and he left when she was 3 months old. It was a real struggle, I suffered quite badly from PND and I still have guilt that I wasn't the best mum in those early months because of that. I took her out to baby classes during the day ie baby sensory, rhyme time at the library etc most days but in the evenings, she would sit in her bouncer chair watching YouTube nursery rhyme type videos and I would basically just sit and cry. It was an awful time. I just didnt have it in me at the time to offer her more than i could. During the day when i took her out and about was when i held it all together, evening was when i crumbled. Her father did see her every other day for 3-4 hours at a time when he left. I have moved on (somewhat) from those days and she and I are always doing things and out and about having adventures. We have a lovely little life just me and her.

She goes to stay with her father EOW and a night during the week. Him and I don't talk much, I still hate him for leaving me in that state when I was 2/3 months post partum, thick in the midst of PND. He collects her from nursery and drops her off either here or at my parents.

Ex has a new family now. He got with his current partner around a month oe two after leaving me, she fell pregnant when my little one had just turned one and their little girl arrived end of last year. So there is around 21 months between my little girl and her half sibling.

I'm still on my own with my daughter, I decided to focus on her and my career to give me a better income and to hopefully allow me to buy a house for us in the near future, we are renting at the moment. I've also been going to therapy to try and heal before I even think of any future relationships etc. If I even want one.

I'm just so scared about losing my daughter to her other family, especially as she gets older. Her father is great with her, he cares so much for her, does lots with her, they have a very close relationship, which is great. He now lives with this partner and their little girl and basically has a ready made family and a secure, stable home to offer my DD. Whereas I'm just a single mum who can't have any more children due to fertility issues, so will never be able to offer my DD a sibling like he has. It overwhelms me at times that this little girl, who is my absolute world, has this whole other, perfect little family, that is nothing to do with me and that she may prefer to be a part of rather than with me as she gets older.

Am I being completely unreasonable here with these feelings?

You are her constant, her stability, the person there for her day in day out that's different from fun every other weekends and sharing attention with a sibling. Also he's an absolute bastard for Kevin's you in that situation, so don't count on his current happy little situation lasting, all relationships have ups and downs and he's down himself to be someone who runs when things are tough.

YANBU to feel sadness and resentment towards him. YABVU to minimise what you’ve achieved and how well you’ve come through an appallingly hard time. YAalsoBVU to think you’ll lose her in any way. She’s only got, or will ever have, one mum!

I get where you’re coming from completely. But whatever perfect family set up they have, it can NEVER replace the close bond she has with you.

She will always need you and want you. The closeness you have with her now is laying down the foundations for that as she gets older.

Besides, he’s not exactly bending over backwards to have her in his life is he? EOW and 1 weeknight is pretty pathetic. Standard maybe, but pathetic. He’s only paying lip service to his responsibilities and she will always know that you are her main person.

It's just tough. I just worry because I had quite a neglectful/abusive upbringing with my own single mum and I always wished I could be part of a stable, loving family. So my thoughts always go to the fact that she might want a stable family as well, not just a mum and no one else.

This partner of his has been in my daughters life since she was one, it makes me me sick to think that she'll be a lifelong mother figure to my daughter when really, at two, a child should have only one mum. Thinking to the future where this woman will share in all my daughters milestones, be a granny to her future children, be a massive part of her life. It just feels like I've been forced to share being a mother to my own child.

You feel how you feel, nothing unreasonable about it.

However it would be unreasonable to get caught up in this. You are your daughter’s mum and nothing your ex does will change that. It’s good he’s a good father, so she has two good parents.

If you are worrying that she has a part of her life you aren’t involved in, then that suggests you need to build up your life a bit.

You do sound still down so keep up the therapy.

I hope this new family works out for him, but he’s moved on very quickly, so I wouldn’t count on that.

With kindness OP, you need to take yourself in hand here.

I am sorry you’ve had a rough time, but you need not to project this onto your daughter’s stepmother.

It’s a good thing if she is good with your daughter, but an involved stepmother is like an involved aunt - she is not your daughter’s mother. It is however good for your daughter to have an extended family of people who care for her.

Again with kindness, this insecurity is selfish - it is about you and not your daughter. It’s understandable but try not to give into it, work on building up your own life, not on rumination - it will make you bitter and unpleasant to be with in the long run.

I know what you've said is right. It's why I'm getting therapy, as I dont want to think like this, I'm trying to work on my thoughts around things. I know that my view on things is very skewed as a result of my own childhood.

Who knows what the future holds OP. The happy little family just now might not always be so as your child gets older. Everyone in my life who have kids a similar age to mine (9 and 11) have seen their lives change beyond recognition since our kids were toddlers.

You're not wrong to be angry at your ex for leaving you when you were vulnerable. It's not wrong to mourn the life you wanted to have with him. It's not wrong to be angry that he has that life you wanted with someone else. But you still have plenty to offer your DC. Focus on giving her that love, time and attention.

You are the person she spends most of her time with, she will always value you more than any stepmother. From your child’s point of view as she grows she will see that she has a sibling who her father spends all of his time and energy on. I would focus on that. Some children really struggle with that as they grow. Rather than being closer to them, she’s more likely to end up resenting them. I’m not saying that’s something to celebrate, FAR from it, but I’m saying that your worries about the future are more likely to be completely unfounded. You are her constant and currently she has to share you with nobody. That’s going to mean so much more to her than the people she hardly ever sees. Most children don’t prefer their Grandparents to their parents, and the amount of times your daughter sees them will create a similar relationship to that.
Concentrate on being the amazing mother that you no doubt are, be her safe, happy place.

I know there is a lot of sense being spoken on this thread, I just wish that I could get it into my head. Maybe because I didn't have that good relationship with my own mother growing up, I don't really fully understand/appreciate the mother daughter bond from a child's perspective and all I can see is perfect little family that he has to offer her as it's what I always desperately wanted.

Yes I know - when I said with kindness I meant it - this stuff isn’t easy.

If you aren’t, it would be worth talking to your therapist about how to recognise rumination when it comes up, and how to get yourself out of it - otherwise it becomes a groove one easily falls into.

Also it would be worth thinking what small things you can build into your life that bring you joy and strength.

It will come good.

Having not had a great childhood does make it harder, in part because it tends to make people insecure in their own attachments.

Is your therapist aware of all your concerns , and are they working actively with you on them?

It's OK, I know you were genuinely saying it kindly.
That is something that I spoke to my therapist about, living too much in my head with this whole situation, so we're going to work on strategies around this.

Yes, I did make her aware that my current situation is what's troubling me most at present however my general way of thinking (which is what is affecting me in this situation) is probably due to childhood trauma. We've only had a couple of sessions so far but she says that this is something that we will explore further in subsequent sessions.

Hi OP, I really feel for you, I went through something very similar when my partner left me and our two young kids and very quickly got together with his "supportive friend" who had been waiting in the wings for him. They are both high earners and have moved to a massive house and are trying for a baby. It is so bloody unfair and I feel lots of anger, especially since I've had to stay calm, polite and accepting of it all because of the kids.

HOWEVER, what I will say is that I genuinely believe that there are parts of me that are better and stronger since all this happened. I will never, every put up with this behaviour from another man again. I know my worth and although sometimes I think it would be nice to be in a relationship, I look at my friends and don't actually envy any of their relationships. I have been in the depths of despair and have clawed my way out. I don't think I will ever "get over" how I feel but there is very much space for me to hold sadness and anger, but also happiness and strength when I'm with my kids. Some hard life lessons for me but life does go on and I'm in a much better place than when this all happened a few years ago. Sending strength.

@Bucket07 I know what you mean, and I do hope and trust that I will come out of this a much better person. As devastating as it was at the time, I've realised that while I spent my time with him and wanting to create this happy family, I neglected to work on myself, which was probably the most important relationship that I should have been working on. I don't think that I would've started therapy to deal with my past isuses if all of this hadn't have happened.

Hopefully life keeps on improving for both of us.

Use the times that DD stays with her dad to go out and have fun

Once DD goes to school you'll meet new mum friends and DD world will be very much in your camp

Don't worry DD will always no matter what want to be be you

Just your normal supportive average day to day stable mum

That's all they want and need

It'll be fine

Get him to pay for all the expensive stuff she wants later in life

He's a real shitbag for leaving you when you had a baby - after ten years! Fuck, you would think this was enough of a foundation to know him well enough to have a kid. What an asshole.

It sounds like you have someone good, so that’s good.

Do you have people to talk to, and things going on in your life that bring you joy (other than your daughter)

I've got friends but I don't want to burden them too much with my problems, you can only talk about things so many times. My best friend has been great in all of this.

In regards to other things going on in my life, I feel a bit stuck in a rut to be honest. I do have a career however I'm looking to take the next step up so I'm doing additional study to allow me to progress. But until I complete that, I'm stuck in my current role which isn't very challenging. I can't do too many hours due to childcare but I do enjoy the extra couple of days a week to spend with my little one and I'm going to make the most of not having to work full time at the moment to spend time with her while she's so little. I have just started going to the gym while my daughter is with her father so I'm enjoying that and it's helping to clear my mind.

Some days I'm very motivated and I have a lot of optimism for the future, other days, I feel very down in the dumps and these kind of thoughts overwhelm me. In fact, they're probably overwhelming me a lot more than I'd like at the moment.

I truly think it will. I think therapy will be really good for you. I know I ignored some fairly massive red flags at the beginning our my relationship with my ex, which I understand much better now and have really worked on. I actually feel quite sorry for his new partner, as he won't have changed (he has absolutely no insight into his own behaviour) and she will have to deal with all the same crap that I put up with. Be proud of yourself for keeping on going when everything around you was falling apart, let yourself be angry when you need to be, and work on making life better for you and your DD.

Perfect little family? with a man who abandoned a woman with PND and a tiny baby? I think not.

Be the best parent you can be
Have good boundaries/stability in place
Enjoy your child
Continue getting your mh to a better place
Don'tslate your ex or his family
Make sure your dd feels comfortable to talk about them and share her experiences with you
If you bring someone else in make sure your dd is at the forefront of all your decisions

You will be fine op your dd won't want to choose and if either parent puts her in that position they are the one who will be failing her.

His life might appear perfect but it won’t be. He thinks with his penis by the sound of it and that never ends well.

'...just a single mum...'

equals all the love in the world, now and forever. Nothing can replace that ❤️