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AIBU?

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Original poster

Blazing row off the back of his crap parenting

49 replies

Jans291u3 · 27/04/2024 10:10

It's our daughters 5th birthday tomorrow. The plan is, and has been for weeks, that I'd take her to a trampoline park - just the two of us. All booked and paid for. I'm also taking her to a toy shop afterwards to spend some of her birthday money and then perhaps we'll get dinner out.

He hasn't done or helped to plan F.A.

He sprang on me last night that he has invited his older children round to celebrate, in front of DD, which lead to her thinking she was having a party and getting disappointed when I had to say there is no party planned.

I asked him what plans he had to entertain the children, seeing as he has planned to bring them. Is he going to do a little buffet style tea, maybe stick on a bit of music and do pass the parcel? No. He hasn't planned anything.

His was just going to collect them and then plonk them down on the sofa with screens as usual, going on the xbox in the front room whilst the others are on tablets (no criticism of the kids, of course they want 'something' to keep them occupied)

However, it is a total bore fest and not how I want to spend my Sunday.. watching kids game.

So I've got mildly annoyed and said he should have planned to do actually do something with them all together if it was important to him, as now he has completely derailed my existing plans for the day. I suggest he thinks of something for them all to do that doesn't involve sitting around bored as that's not a celebration.

I said I now felt obliged to entertain them myself as he doesn't, and I'd feel bad them coming round thinking there's some sort of celebration going on when nothing has been planned.

I suggest a buffet spread and maybe some daft games like pass the parcel, making clear that I expect him to sort it and not me.

It has just erupted into the most god awful argument as he doesn't like hearing things that he feels paint him in a bad light. His solution was to text his ex and cancel having them.. which is absolutely not what I wanted to happen, but allows him to make me look like the bad guy I guess. Now I feel responsible.

Am I the arsehole here? I will accept it if you think I am.

OP posts:
LoveWine123 · 27/04/2024 10:18

He sounds like a shit parent, to all three of his kids. Frankly, I’d call his ex and explain all this to her. You might find she is not surprised.

TimeForTeaAndG · 27/04/2024 10:21

Nope, you're definitely not being unreasonable. Can you take DD out before he gets back if he's picking them up and still do trampoline park etc. out of interest, why was it just you and her doing this and not the 3 of you. It's her birthday, does he not want to spend time with her to celebrate?

Don't change your plans to suit him.

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/04/2024 10:23

What did you want him to help plan? A trampoline park, a visit to a toy shop and a meal out doesn’t really require much planning ahead, let alone from two people.

Wouldn’t he usually have his older DC to visit at the weekend? Why would your DC assume that her half siblings’ contact with their dad might be a birthday party? If they’re happy gaming, is it a problem that he hasn’t planned much more for them?

Your relationship doesn’t sound great as there’s clearly a fair bit of resentment and annoyance there, and fully willing to accept he probably isn’t brilliant, but these two examples aren’t particularly clear.

LateNightReads · 27/04/2024 10:24

Can’t both of you just take all three of them to the trampoline park….

Catapultaway · 27/04/2024 10:25

Is he unreasonable... yes of course. But I'm sorry, I really feel for your 5 year old.
Poor thing excited at thought of a party and neither parent has bothered to plan anything. No offence but trampoline Park with just mum is a normal every week kind of activity not a special birthday treat. You both need to up your game

Sugarcoatedalmonds · 27/04/2024 10:26

Just stick to your current plan of trampoline park. Although tbh, I dont think that takes much planning or forethought either tbh

Original poster
Jans291u3 · 27/04/2024 10:26

Sorry I probably should have included in the OP, we also have a two year old who is too young for the trampoline park and that's why he isn't coming along. He probably would have done if DS could join in.

I don't think he will re-invite his older ones now that he's already contacted his ex to cancel. He's horribly stubborn.

Sometimes I feel like I'm starting to dislike him. He's so childish 😔

OP posts:
stayathomer · 27/04/2024 10:28

I wouldn’t go so far as crap parenting, sometimes people suddenly decide to go a certain way, and he probably thought he wanted to be involved- a cake and some goodies doesn’t take much planning, try to stop making this such a battle (your daughter doesn’t need the two of you arguing or stomping about) and tell him to hurry up and start organising to make it a fun day and do go do the other stuff too, it’ll all be fun!! And op in the nicest possible way the two of you found like you need to talk, this isn’t a huge deal but there must be a ton of other stuff if you’re so angry

pearlevu · 27/04/2024 10:30

Am I the arsehole here? er what?

No you are not an "arsehole" you just wanted to do something nice for your kid

Original poster
Jans291u3 · 27/04/2024 10:32

I did her a party last year and only one person turned up, it was disheartening for her and I didn't want a repeat of that. It really put me off. I gave her a list of options for a special day out and she chose the trampoline park herself. Originally her friend was invited but her mum told us on Thursday that she couldn't make it. So it was just me and DD which she was happy enough with.

Fair enough that it doesn't involve much planning! What I was getting at was he never gets involved in making plans, ever. It's always left to me.

His older children aren't here on weekends they're here on Mondays and Tuesdays which works around parents jobs.

OP posts:
Seeline · 27/04/2024 10:32

Had you told him what your plans for the day were?
It sounds strange that your DDs father isn't involved in the day - even if the 2 yo couldn't go to the trampoline park (which is unusual), surely you could all meet up after to do lunch.

Meadowfinch · 27/04/2024 10:34

Sounds fairly typical for a man. Invite people and then expect the little woman to do all the work.

Does he usually treat you as his social secretary?

Original poster
Jans291u3 · 27/04/2024 10:36

He knew what we was doing yes.

I'm contemplating offering to take them to pizza hut or somewhere similar.

OP posts:
ConflictedCheetah · 27/04/2024 10:36

If he doesn't usually have his older DC at the weekend and specifically invited them to 'celebrate' the birthday then yeah, I'd expect him to have considered what celebrating means and not just plan for them to be on tablets ignoring the birthday child.

Luxell934 · 27/04/2024 10:38

What’s there to plan really? Surely you just take her out as planned and when she gets back her siblings are there with a cake for her? Doesn’t need a whole buffet or pass the parcel really; just singing happy birthday with the cake and her siblings? Non issue really.

Original poster
Jans291u3 · 27/04/2024 10:38

stayathomer · 27/04/2024 10:28

I wouldn’t go so far as crap parenting, sometimes people suddenly decide to go a certain way, and he probably thought he wanted to be involved- a cake and some goodies doesn’t take much planning, try to stop making this such a battle (your daughter doesn’t need the two of you arguing or stomping about) and tell him to hurry up and start organising to make it a fun day and do go do the other stuff too, it’ll all be fun!! And op in the nicest possible way the two of you found like you need to talk, this isn’t a huge deal but there must be a ton of other stuff if you’re so angry

That's part of the problem we have unfortunately, he doesn't communicate. It's either say nothing at all when something bothers me or have a row, as whenever he feels like I'm being critical (which is every time I try to communicate through issues) he just loses his temper and shouts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jans291u3 · 27/04/2024 10:39

ConflictedCheetah · 27/04/2024 10:36

If he doesn't usually have his older DC at the weekend and specifically invited them to 'celebrate' the birthday then yeah, I'd expect him to have considered what celebrating means and not just plan for them to be on tablets ignoring the birthday child.

That was my thought process exactly.

OP posts:
MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 27/04/2024 10:46

Why can't the older children come to the trampoline park and why isn't her father going?!

stayathomer · 27/04/2024 10:49

Jans291u3
ah sorry op, hugs, sounds tough and it’s so hard to get a proper talk out of him if he’s like that:( hopefully ye all end up having a good day out of it (somehow- hugs x)

Original poster
Jans291u3 · 27/04/2024 10:52

I can't really afford to pay for them all to come to the trampoline park and then for food after as It's expensive. It doesn't feel right to ask their mum to pay for them to go so that isn't an option.

OP posts:
nozbottheblue · 27/04/2024 10:58

Jans291u3 · 27/04/2024 10:52

I can't really afford to pay for them all to come to the trampoline park and then for food after as It's expensive. It doesn't feel right to ask their mum to pay for them to go so that isn't an option.

Wouldn’t he pay for them to go out for lunch with you?

Kindleonfire · 27/04/2024 11:03

Jans291u3 · 27/04/2024 10:52

I can't really afford to pay for them all to come to the trampoline park and then for food after as It's expensive. It doesn't feel right to ask their mum to pay for them to go so that isn't an option.

Why doesn't their dad pay?!

There's deeper problems here that you and your DH can't communicate about anything without it erupting into an argument.

Original poster
Jans291u3 · 27/04/2024 11:06

nozbottheblue · 27/04/2024 10:58

Wouldn’t he pay for them to go out for lunch with you?

Show quote history

He doesn't have enough money, he gets paid on Friday.

I think what I'm going to do is scrap the going out for dinner and instead have a 'pizza party' at home. I'll get some nibbles etc. I think she would much rather do that with them than not.

I've told him to message his ex and say it was a work issue that he has now rectified.

He usually works Saturdays but has today and tomorrow off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jans291u3 · 27/04/2024 11:08

Kindleonfire · 27/04/2024 11:03

Why doesn't their dad pay?!

There's deeper problems here that you and your DH can't communicate about anything without it erupting into an argument.

Show quote history

He has had to pay out £400 after car issues, ordinarily he'd have that as disposable. We do have seperate finances and I bring in slightly less than he does but budgeted a certain amount for her birthday treats.

OP posts:
LittleGreenDragons · 27/04/2024 11:12

as now he has completely derailed my existing plans for the day.

No. Continue with your plans. He knew about them so it's up to him to add to those plans. Do not cancel yours. It might make him think things through a little more if he's left to do the hard work.

It's fine to have them over, but he needs to buy and prep the party food and buy the cake, blow up the balloons etc for when you get back later on. I repeat, do not cancel your plans.