Blazing row off the back of his crap parenting

[Jans291u3]

It's our daughters 5th birthday tomorrow. The plan is, and has been for weeks, that I'd take her to a trampoline park - just the two of us. All booked and paid for. I'm also taking her to a toy shop afterwards to spend some of her birthday money and then perhaps we'll get dinner out.

He hasn't done or helped to plan F.A.

He sprang on me last night that he has invited his older children round to celebrate, in front of DD, which lead to her thinking she was having a party and getting disappointed when I had to say there is no party planned.

I asked him what plans he had to entertain the children, seeing as he has planned to bring them. Is he going to do a little buffet style tea, maybe stick on a bit of music and do pass the parcel? No. He hasn't planned anything.

His was just going to collect them and then plonk them down on the sofa with screens as usual, going on the xbox in the front room whilst the others are on tablets (no criticism of the kids, of course they want 'something' to keep them occupied)

However, it is a total bore fest and not how I want to spend my Sunday.. watching kids game.

So I've got mildly annoyed and said he should have planned to do actually do something with them all together if it was important to him, as now he has completely derailed my existing plans for the day. I suggest he thinks of something for them all to do that doesn't involve sitting around bored as that's not a celebration.

I said I now felt obliged to entertain them myself as he doesn't, and I'd feel bad them coming round thinking there's some sort of celebration going on when nothing has been planned.

I suggest a buffet spread and maybe some daft games like pass the parcel, making clear that I expect him to sort it and not me.

It has just erupted into the most god awful argument as he doesn't like hearing things that he feels paint him in a bad light. His solution was to text his ex and cancel having them.. which is absolutely not what I wanted to happen, but allows him to make me look like the bad guy I guess. Now I feel responsible.

Am I the arsehole here? I will accept it if you think I am.

It wasn't right for him not to run the idea passed you, before he decided he'd like to change arrangements.

Tell me money is no object in your life without saying money is no object in your life 🙄

What has happened to make him suddenly change his behaviour?

Clearly he must have been an active, engaged parent with his existing children before you decided to have two more children with him?

So what changed to make him a crap parent?

And what changed to his financial position?

Deciding to have four children is really expensive.

So he must have had a change of financial circumstances so that he can no longer afford to celebrate his child birthday.

Op in your situation I would get a Tesco order set up to arrive while you are at the trampoline park. While you’re there, the other children can set up some ballooons, party decorations, a little cake and maybe order some pizzas and buffet bits.

Get them all helping to set something up for when you and your dd get back as a bit of a ‘surprise’ - even if they go back to gaming straight away afterwards, you could get your dd to put on a princess dress and set up Disney karaoke or something - that’s guaranteed to get them all joining in and batting around the balloons etc.

I think that’ll be enough for your little girl to feel ‘birthday’ and it’s low effort for everyone.

Then reflect on how to manage (or leave) your useless partner in future. He isn’t going to change without some serious intervention and this frustration will only get worse for you over the years.

Another waste of space "husband" and "father", what a surprise ...

It all sounds dysfunctional. Most importantly I feel bad for the kids who seem to be stuck in between adults settling their resentments without thinking if the kids.

Ok - your H is crap at planning. But it’s your 5yo’s bday. You could make it about HER today and come down on your H later. 🤷🏻‍♀️

She would have loved a ‘party’ - as you said.
And all it’d have taken is cake and pizza. Maybe some cheep bits from a party store.
I’d have given H a list of what to get while we are at a trampoline park.

You chose to have kids with him. You knew what sort of father/person he is. Don’t make your kids live through years of arguments. Leave. Or plan things yourself. He won’t change.

Yes, and role modelling that stunning example with at least four kids…

How old are the other kids

I wouldn’t worry about pretending to his ex, OP, she will know he’s a deadbeat and that’s why she offloaded him.

I’d probably start cutting out the middledick in prep for when you chuck him too and you and his ex can just plan normal, reasonably sensible and well-parented times when the half siblings can get together for birthdays etc.

Oh, so you're solving the situation by planning a little celebration for all the kids in the end? Sounds like his "know your place woman" attitude has worked. Well done him.

Because she's probably sick of having to do all the work to plan for half arsed thoughts he has. He invites his kids over to celebrate and then sits back for her to organise the celebration - even if it's basic grabbing some pizza and cake. He's not just doing nothing, he's actively making work for her. This one thing is small but it builds up.

Also OP your daughter was excited about the trampoline park. Don't cancel it on her!

Ain't that the truth!

It's becoming increasingly clear from your posts why he is an ex...

That said, I do think you need to work on your party planning skills, OP. I say "you" not "him", because although it's your joint responsibility, there's clearly no joy to be had there. Ime 5yos want presents (cheap ones are fine), balloons and a cake with candles. And a few bums on seats to sing "Happy Birthday" so they feel important, but they're not too bothered who they are. Anything else is a bonus, but that's the basics.

At the end of the day the 5 year old probably wants her siblings there. Everything else can be argued over later.

Going ahead with your plans and then all the kids having dinner together sounds like a good compromise.

I wouldn't have organised his mess. This is probably why he does nothing. He knows you will.

Shes 5 its not a 16th 18th.

Yep, the usual weaponised incompetence scenario.

Wow! I thought I couldn’t be surprised by how little is expected of divorced men but now Ive seen it all.

This tosser really needs to get the snip before his next divorce, so he doesn't go off and do this whole rubbish-father-and-husband thing again.

OP I think it’s time to face up to the fact that he’s never going to be a good parent - to any of his DC.

Unfortunately, Men who are crap parents don’t suddenly change when they have a another child with a different mother.

Yabu. Take the ss and have a mcdz or buffet at home after. You seem to be working seperate

You’re not in the wrong for being frustrated with having extra children to manage (including him). Don’t let him manipulate you in to believing you’re the bad guy. I’d also caution against making a solution for him as it means in the future he’s less likely to grow up and find solutions for himself.

I'd do the trampoline park and shopping. Your dh can pick his kids up and maybe put some banners /balloons up. Do a buffet and a few games and cake.

Not every child would want that. My DS would hate it.

Trampoline park toy shop and food would be a winner. It's actually very close to what my DS chooses every year.

OP said the child chose this herself.
And one to one time with Mum is great for a child with a two year old sibling.