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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go along to the birthday

47 replies

Muppybunny · 27/04/2024 09:35

I was invited with a big group of friends to a birthday party. A few members of the group live near where the party would be.

I spoke with the birthday girl. We have sort of drifted apart in recent years. She is still one of my best friends but she had a new group of friends who she made much more of an effort with. We have spoken about this but not much has changed.

We all get on as a group but aren’t really all friends together. Birthday girl told me everyone will be getting the train together to get there early. The remaining members of the group live near there so will make their own way there. Got a message from birthday girl last night saying make your own way there she is getting in the car with the other girls.

That means two cars of friends are going together. That means I will be getting the train alone. I feel really pushed out by this. I’m obviously an adult and capable of travelling alone but it’s the action behind this as we have made plans.

I have got a babysitter arranged and all her gifts ready but I don’t want to go anymore. Would I be unreasonable to stay home

OP posts:
storminabuttercup · 27/04/2024 09:38

No I wouldn't go either, it's rude to make plans then ditch you for another offer (the lift) people can be shitty

Changingplace · 27/04/2024 09:38

Do you know for sure the second group are going by car too? That is quite shit of them, I happily travel alone but they’re not been very thoughtful to leave you getting the train while they all travel together :(

You’re not unreasonable at all not to go!

Original poster
Muppybunny · 27/04/2024 09:41

yeah both cars are fully, I don’t think it’s on purpose but I think I was just the forgotten about friend again. I think because this is how i’ve felt prior to this, it really puts a nail in the coffin for me

OP posts:
IgnoranceNotOk · 27/04/2024 10:22

YANBU - this would really upset me too.
The plans were all sorted so everyone could enjoy the journey up too and now they’ve excluded one person.
Will you be travelling back at night on your own on the train?
That would be my reasoning to not go anymore.

LineMadeByWalking · 27/04/2024 10:25

If she’s ‘still one of your best friends’, I’d go because I’d want to celebrate her birthday. But actually, it doesn’t sound as though she is. You’ve drifted apart.

TruthorDie · 27/04/2024 10:27

Naaah. I wouldn’t bother going. It feels like you time, money and effort would be better spent elsewhere. The birthday girl and her friends sound thoughtless

EmilyTjP · 27/04/2024 10:28

YANBU and I wouldn’t go. She doesn’t deserve your presents or presence.

stopringingme · 27/04/2024 10:30

@Muppybunny

I would not go now, she is not your friend.

Return the presents - or keep them if you can use them, wish her a happy birthday and then move on with people who actually care about you.

Do you have anyone nearby you can have a night out with or go to visit if you have a babysitter booked, shame to waste that opportunity.

Sunnyday777 · 27/04/2024 10:32

I wouldn’t go now - one group was getting the train and now have decided to drive and leave one person to get the train on their own? Sounds like mean girl mentality to me. I’d pull out and be tempted to tel your friend exactly why

OatFlatWhiteForMe · 27/04/2024 10:33

I’m sorry they have done this, it’s not nice.

I wouldn’t want to go now either. I would however try to salvage a plan for the evening with another friend or even a solo trip to a local shopping centre for coffee and a treat for yourself with the money you will have returning her gift!

pearlevu · 27/04/2024 10:34

Tell her to do one

Member984815 · 27/04/2024 10:38

Keep the presents as a reward for standing up for yourself , cancel the babysitter or go out with someone who really cares for you instead .

HunterHearstHelmsley · 27/04/2024 10:39

I wouldn't go. Surely someone should have said "what about Muppy?"

They either know you're going to be travelling alone and don't care or completely forgot about you.

Fuck 'em.

Go out with someone else instead and be super childish and post it on your Insta story

Round3HereWeGo · 27/04/2024 10:41

Ditch. Don't waste your energy on them

LineMadeByWalking · 27/04/2024 10:44

HunterHearstHelmsley · 27/04/2024 10:39

I wouldn't go. Surely someone should have said "what about Muppy?"

They either know you're going to be travelling alone and don't care or completely forgot about you.

Fuck 'em.

Go out with someone else instead and be super childish and post it on your Insta story

If I’m reading the OP correctly, the OP isn’t particularly friends with the others, just the woman whose birthday it is, so they’re not that likely to be preoccupied with her as she’s mostly ‘X’s friend’ to them…?

jeaux90 · 27/04/2024 10:46

Logistics wise though does what they are doing make sense? As in it's the most convenient sensible option so it's more about that than you? Are you the only one headed in from a specific direction?

MissMillyFluff · 27/04/2024 10:47

You are definitely not bu . She's taking the piss. I would find myself a new group of friends.

Itiswhysofew · 27/04/2024 10:54

That's really inconsiderate of her. I wouldn't do that to someone in a group, never mind a supposed good friend.

Let them get on with it. You're worth much more than that.

Createausername1970 · 27/04/2024 10:54

I wouldn't go, but I would be upset too.

I would message and say I am not happy to travel there and back on my own, but have a great time. And leave it at that. Don't contact her again unless she contacts you. She has let you know where her loyalties lie. Her friends didn't have to consider you, but she should have spoken up and avoided you being left to travel alone.

SmallFY · 27/04/2024 10:55

That's really shitty behaviour and shows (IMO) that she doesn't care if you're there and prefers the others.

I'd therefore not be wasting my time and money to attend when I wasn't wanted.

Can you go out for a meal tonight on the money that returning the presents will give you. No point wasting the babysitter!!

Rocknrolla21 · 27/04/2024 10:59

LineMadeByWalking · 27/04/2024 10:44

If I’m reading the OP correctly, the OP isn’t particularly friends with the others, just the woman whose birthday it is, so they’re not that likely to be preoccupied with her as she’s mostly ‘X’s friend’ to them…?

Show quote history

It’s still a bit shit all round though isn’t it? It would be nice to put it down to thoughtlessness, but if it were me and my friends there’s no way we’d abandon one person on a train when we knew she’d planned to travel with us.
Op can you return the presents and do something else with your evening. I’d tell your friend that you’re uncomfortable travelling alone on the train so can no longer attend

Brexile · 27/04/2024 11:01

I wouldn't go. It sounds like if you did go they might continue to exclude you and you'd be left making awkward conversation with the caterers and leaving after twenty minutes. Get a refund for the gift or regift it elsewhere, and do something else that night. Your friend sounds rude and careless.

Original poster
Muppybunny · 27/04/2024 11:04

Me and birthday girl live 5 minute drive apart from each other so it’s not that it’s easier.

All other girls going are birthday girls friends, I get on with them but I wouldn’t expect them to consider me. I’ve decided to have a pamper day and have a drink with a friend later because I very rarely get the time to myself. One friend is travelling from near us but is going much later, I had spoken about this with birthday girl and said I would much rather come earlier to have the full day.

So she’s left me with option of not going, going alone or travelling later and missing the day pretty much. We agreed to speak once her birthday weekend is done but I don’t think there is much left to salvage.

Thank l you everyone, I’m excited to have the day to myself anyway

OP posts:
waitingforthedrain · 27/04/2024 11:07

"Dear friend, sorry but I won't be going after all. Will catch up another time"

If she asks for a reason "we were all supposed to travel together but you've now changed the plans and excluded me. Not much fun travelling on my own by train especially at night. "

snowlady4 · 27/04/2024 11:07

I probably wouldn't go. (Might not be the right thing to do though.)
But I would also probably message them (is there a group chat?) and say something along the lines of, so you're all going together and I have to get the train alone? Just to see what they say.. they might not have realised it leaves you out like that. Some probably just think everyones going together and haven't counted up the actual numbers, I bet its only that one girl who realises you'll be going alone. And it won't sit right with everyone else.
Don't make any decision on it straight away, see how you feel in a bit. Whatever you decide will be fine.