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Original poster

To not go along to the birthday

47 replies

Muppybunny · 27/04/2024 09:35

I was invited with a big group of friends to a birthday party. A few members of the group live near where the party would be.

I spoke with the birthday girl. We have sort of drifted apart in recent years. She is still one of my best friends but she had a new group of friends who she made much more of an effort with. We have spoken about this but not much has changed.

We all get on as a group but aren’t really all friends together. Birthday girl told me everyone will be getting the train together to get there early. The remaining members of the group live near there so will make their own way there. Got a message from birthday girl last night saying make your own way there she is getting in the car with the other girls.

That means two cars of friends are going together. That means I will be getting the train alone. I feel really pushed out by this. I’m obviously an adult and capable of travelling alone but it’s the action behind this as we have made plans.

I have got a babysitter arranged and all her gifts ready but I don’t want to go anymore. Would I be unreasonable to stay home

OP posts:
Original poster
Muppybunny · 27/04/2024 11:17

I did say so I will be going alone? The answer was they don’t know what they’ll be doing Friday night ( last night) so they don’t want to say come with them and then plans change.

I said I don’t want to travel on my own there and back so I won’t be coming. I’ve had messages from a couple of friends saying if I don’t go it will be the nail in the coffin of our friendship and I need to make the effort. But the effort is never put in my way, the last time she called me was nearly 5 months ago and that was only because she was upset over a man. Once she was over that I didn’t hear from her again

OP posts:
LoveWine123 · 27/04/2024 11:49

To be honest it doesn’t sound like she is a good friend, let alone a best friend. She is not prioritising you but is asking you to make efforts for her. A bit shitty for other friends to be saying you not going will be the final straw….it goes both ways in my opinion and she clearly doesn’t care as she otherwise she would be making an effort for both of you to go together.

I was in a similar position with a friend of mine and ended up leaving in the middle of something we were meant to be doing together as she completely ignored me and made her own plans. This was the final straw for me after 6-7 months of her ignoring me. Well I got upset, I left and I think that gave her an indication that I was done. I think she realised that she was going to lose me if she didn’t make an effort and she spent the following six months trying to make it up to me. She did in the end we got over that rough patch but I have to say it took a lot of effort on both sides. You need to decide whether she is worth it.

AmiShitsaline · 27/04/2024 12:20

It’s really shitty of them, I’m sure if people were going from different locations you would have been fine to go on the train on your own, but for them to exclude you from the arrangements is awful.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 27/04/2024 12:22

I’ve had messages from a couple of friends saying if I don’t go it will be the nail in the coffin of our friendship and I need to make the effort

Do they know it is her that has moved the goal posts? If it's the nail in the coffin then that's on your friend, not you.

MissMillyFluff · 27/04/2024 12:28

The fact that she lives five minutes drive away and can't organise a lift for you too says a lot. It really sounds like you'd be better off without her. Let it be the final nail in the coffin, her loss, certainly not yours.

WhamBamThankU · 27/04/2024 12:33

Enjoy your lovely day!

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 27/04/2024 12:37

This happenned to me and I am still kicking myself that I went. It was a big birthday do and the other 3 women who lived on my street and the next street were getting ready together but didn't invite me. I was told to knock for them at x time. I arrived a couple of minutes early to see them all trotting off down the road without me. I felt shit and unwelcome all night and years later wish I had just gone home. I am glad you have made alternative plans op. You will have a much better time

Apolloneuro · 27/04/2024 12:40

Ignore the messages from other people. This friend doesn’t deserve you. Develop other friendships.

jeaux90 · 27/04/2024 12:44

I posted earlier about logistics but honestly it just sounds like she is a shit friend. I hope you enjoy your new plans OP.

lap90 · 27/04/2024 12:44

I think it's pretty poor behaviour to say first everyone is going together, even though it was by train, and then to be excluded now they are going by car.

You are not unreasonable for not wanting to attend.

It's poor behaviour.

WeegieWan · 27/04/2024 12:52

I’ve had messages from a couple of friends saying if I don’t go it will be the nail in the coffin of our friendship and I need to make the effort.
-* Hands you the hammer - * Bang away m'dear - some coffins need to be firmly closed lest the contents come back and bite you...
Enjoy your day!

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/04/2024 16:37

Muppybunny · 27/04/2024 11:17

I did say so I will be going alone? The answer was they don’t know what they’ll be doing Friday night ( last night) so they don’t want to say come with them and then plans change.

I said I don’t want to travel on my own there and back so I won’t be coming. I’ve had messages from a couple of friends saying if I don’t go it will be the nail in the coffin of our friendship and I need to make the effort. But the effort is never put in my way, the last time she called me was nearly 5 months ago and that was only because she was upset over a man. Once she was over that I didn’t hear from her again

"I’ve had messages from a couple of friends saying .... "

Ah. Are they friends, or are they her flying monkeys?

Enjoy your free time!Grin

Rocknrolla21 · 27/04/2024 18:50

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/04/2024 16:37

"I’ve had messages from a couple of friends saying .... "

Ah. Are they friends, or are they her flying monkeys?

Enjoy your free time!Grin

Show quote history

This? Are the gifts and the babysitting and the travelling not making an effort? And the friend can’t even make the effort to stick to the arrangements

Greywitch2 · 27/04/2024 19:00

I’ve had messages from a couple of friends saying if I don’t go it will be the nail in the coffin of our friendship and I need to make the effort.

Text back 'Alas. Birthdaygirl is the one with the hammer. Twas not me that cancelled travel plans. Have a good time.'

SaraSosej · 27/04/2024 19:00

yanbu - I wouldn’t go or bother with them again

TinySmol · 27/04/2024 19:04

I wouldn't go.
I wouldn't contact any of them harpies again.

I would return the present for a refund / credit note or keep it / regift it.
Bin and block the lot of them.

Newname71 · 27/04/2024 19:08

Shitty behaviour!!
My DS didn’t even behave like that when going out with a group of mates. He was offered the last space in one of the cars leaving one friend to get the bus alone. He declined and got the bus. He’s 16 and a lazy shit he would’ve much preferred going in the car but he considers his mates.

ToWhitToWhoo · 27/04/2024 19:33

Normally, I don't have much patience with people (guests or hosts) treating such occasions as tests of 'who is regarded as more important' and taking offence at perceived slights.

However, in this case, your friend has changed her plans at the last minute, because she's got a better offer, in a way that makes things much less pleasant and convenient for you. That is really rude of her.

ToWhitToWhoo · 27/04/2024 19:53

Muppybunny · 27/04/2024 11:17

I did say so I will be going alone? The answer was they don’t know what they’ll be doing Friday night ( last night) so they don’t want to say come with them and then plans change.

I said I don’t want to travel on my own there and back so I won’t be coming. I’ve had messages from a couple of friends saying if I don’t go it will be the nail in the coffin of our friendship and I need to make the effort. But the effort is never put in my way, the last time she called me was nearly 5 months ago and that was only because she was upset over a man. Once she was over that I didn’t hear from her again

Were these 'friends' replying directly to messages you sent them, or did she get them to message you? If the latter, then I'd sadly just give up on the friendship: thoughtlessness can often be forgiven; social bullying can't,

SnobblyBobbly · 27/04/2024 20:05

I wouldn't want to go either. But it's bloody annoying because they've been a bit shit and kind of forgotten about you in their plans, but if you explain any part of that, then you're the moaner.

I'd make my excuses and then move on in life with better friends.

AlwaysGinPlease · 27/04/2024 20:13

I’ve had messages from a couple of friends saying if I don’t go it will be the nail in the coffin of our friendship and I need to make the effort

That would be the end for me. Don't go and find new and better friends because those bitches, they're not your friends . Sorry Op.

hottchocolatte · 27/04/2024 21:18

Good for you for making other plans

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