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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want his son staying here?

48 replies

takentaken · 27/04/2024 07:37

My partner has an older son who is 14 from his previous relationship. I have known him for 5 years.

They moved in with me about 2 years into the relationship.

Since he has got to the teenager years DP just seems to be unable to effectively parent at all and it's just a horrible environment. If I'm honest I can't stand him (his son), he's rude, disrespectful, never does anything you ask, smokes weed, drinks, stays out to all hours even when he's supposed to he home by 9pm. He can also be funny and kind too but these things just get overlooked now because I find him so difficult.

I am passed trying to get involved because when I do I just get told I'm being unfair, picking at him, hate him and so on..

But one thing I have said to DP is he's not to be in the house anymore when we aren't there. He can't be trusted, he makes a mess everywhere, goes through my things, has friends round who smoke in my house and I'm just not having it anymore.

DP thinks I'm unreasonable, I've said he either doesn't come when we aren't in (I.e. school holidays when he just sits about in the house all day) or DP moves out and deals with him in his own house.

I don't know how it will work but I honestly don't really care, DP can figure that out. I just don't want this boy in my house anymore when I'm not around.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 27/04/2024 07:39

If you own the house on your own, you have every right to make the rules. If DP has a share, then he gets to have his son there, and you need to think about how you want to live in the future.

GinForBreakfast · 27/04/2024 07:40

It’s probably better for your DP to move out. You do not want to get in the middle of a difficult situation. It sounds like the kid is having a difficult time (and/or is being an arsehole). Either way, not being welcome into his dad’s home will not help.

sheoaouhra · 27/04/2024 07:41

They move out. Set a date. And the boy does not get to be in the house unsupervised in the mean time

Onetiredbeing · 27/04/2024 07:43

Ask them both to leave. No way would I put up with someone else's horrible child in my home.
He is 14 smoking weed and out all night. Seems like he's already gone down the wrong road and not worth the effort getting involved. They both need to leave.

Original poster
takentaken · 27/04/2024 07:43

DustyLee123 · 27/04/2024 07:39

If you own the house on your own, you have every right to make the rules. If DP has a share, then he gets to have his son there, and you need to think about how you want to live in the future.

I own the house. DP likes to say its his too because we live together in it but in reality it's solely owned by me and I lived her for over 10 years before I met him.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 27/04/2024 07:43

takentaken · 27/04/2024 07:43

I own the house. DP likes to say its his too because we live together in it but in reality it's solely owned by me and I lived her for over 10 years before I met him.

Show quote history

Then YANBU.

KeyboardWhinger · 27/04/2024 07:46

They’re both showing a total lack of respect for you and your home.

Things like smoking in the house are so basic. I would not tolerate it under any circumstances so I don’t blame you.

Do you think you could stay together but live apart?

YouJustDoYou · 27/04/2024 07:47

DP needs to move out.

kiwiane · 27/04/2024 07:49

Yes ask home to move out and change the locks.

Riverlee · 27/04/2024 07:50

If dp’s parenting isn’t working, you’ll need to step in and start enforcing rules and boundaries, or they can lump it.

ICanFixHim · 27/04/2024 07:52

Doesn't sound like he's being parented at all and for that reason I'd have no respect for your partner. He needs to step up and sort his shit out!

I'd tell him to leave.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 27/04/2024 07:52

sheoaouhra · 27/04/2024 07:41

They move out. Set a date. And the boy does not get to be in the house unsupervised in the mean time

This. You've no options s your partner doesn't care. Tbh his attitude would really out me off dp as well.

upinclouds · 27/04/2024 08:02

I think your DP needs to provide his own house where his son can come and go. You have every right to protect your own property and have your own rules but I think he also needs to provide a proper home for his son.

Catsmere · 27/04/2024 08:05

I'd get rid of both of them.

geoger · 27/04/2024 08:06

Tell your DP to move out. Your home your rules. He should parent his child and stop disrespecting your home.
Imagine how nice it’ll be to come from work to your own space

fieldsofbutterflies · 27/04/2024 08:07

DP needs to move out and find his own place his son can trash.

FlameTulip · 27/04/2024 08:07

I think you and DP need to separate.

exomoon · 27/04/2024 08:09

DP moves out and deals with him in his own house.

This is the best option. Neither father or son will change because they think as the woman you should change to accommodate them.

So you should just tell them to leave.

How did DP react to this?

Damnthedieteatingdoritos · 27/04/2024 08:11

Your house, your rules. If they dont like it they can both find somewhere else to live together. I feel sorry for the boy who is having ineffectual guidance from his parents

NeverEnoughPants · 27/04/2024 08:16

Yabu to allow someone to live in your home but say they can't be there unless someone else is in. Either they live there or they don't.

Yanbu to tell them both to move out. It sounds like your partner doesn't respect your home, otherwise he wouldn't let his son behave the way he is. This is the best option imo.

LoveWine123 · 27/04/2024 08:16

You sound very upset with the boy and quite rightly so. But you should be just as upset with your DP…his attitude is extremely disrespectful and dismissive towards you and your home. I would not have it in my home and my next conversation with DP will be about him moving out to deal with his son elsewhere.

Notamum12345577 · 27/04/2024 08:20

takentaken · 27/04/2024 07:37

My partner has an older son who is 14 from his previous relationship. I have known him for 5 years.

They moved in with me about 2 years into the relationship.

Since he has got to the teenager years DP just seems to be unable to effectively parent at all and it's just a horrible environment. If I'm honest I can't stand him (his son), he's rude, disrespectful, never does anything you ask, smokes weed, drinks, stays out to all hours even when he's supposed to he home by 9pm. He can also be funny and kind too but these things just get overlooked now because I find him so difficult.

I am passed trying to get involved because when I do I just get told I'm being unfair, picking at him, hate him and so on..

But one thing I have said to DP is he's not to be in the house anymore when we aren't there. He can't be trusted, he makes a mess everywhere, goes through my things, has friends round who smoke in my house and I'm just not having it anymore.

DP thinks I'm unreasonable, I've said he either doesn't come when we aren't in (I.e. school holidays when he just sits about in the house all day) or DP moves out and deals with him in his own house.

I don't know how it will work but I honestly don't really care, DP can figure that out. I just don't want this boy in my house anymore when I'm not around.

If you want your DP and his son to move out, that is up to you and fine. Smoking in the house, being rude etc is not on. However, you can’t say he can’t be there on his own if he lives there full time!

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 27/04/2024 08:22

Do not be blackmailed op. Off to help him pack..
Toss him the bin bags...

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 27/04/2024 08:23

Oh and at 14 my own ds wasn't allowed here for a year until he got his shit together... He did but only when he realised I really meant no drink, drugs or parties. Exh didn't even make him go to school for a year...

Scarletttulips · 27/04/2024 08:27

You need to ask him to leave if he’s not prepared to accept your distress at the situation.

Go do it - I bet you see his true colours.