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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want his son staying here?

48 replies

takentaken · 27/04/2024 07:37

My partner has an older son who is 14 from his previous relationship. I have known him for 5 years.

They moved in with me about 2 years into the relationship.

Since he has got to the teenager years DP just seems to be unable to effectively parent at all and it's just a horrible environment. If I'm honest I can't stand him (his son), he's rude, disrespectful, never does anything you ask, smokes weed, drinks, stays out to all hours even when he's supposed to he home by 9pm. He can also be funny and kind too but these things just get overlooked now because I find him so difficult.

I am passed trying to get involved because when I do I just get told I'm being unfair, picking at him, hate him and so on..

But one thing I have said to DP is he's not to be in the house anymore when we aren't there. He can't be trusted, he makes a mess everywhere, goes through my things, has friends round who smoke in my house and I'm just not having it anymore.

DP thinks I'm unreasonable, I've said he either doesn't come when we aren't in (I.e. school holidays when he just sits about in the house all day) or DP moves out and deals with him in his own house.

I don't know how it will work but I honestly don't really care, DP can figure that out. I just don't want this boy in my house anymore when I'm not around.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 27/04/2024 08:27

Of course you don't want to live with him, and of course you're not being unreasonable to get your partner to move out.

It would probably have been better if you'd worked that out in the first place, before they moved in, but at least you know now.

It sounds utterly shit.

bradpittsbathwater · 27/04/2024 08:28

It's your house. If your DP won't listen then then both need to leave

Itloggedmeoutagain · 27/04/2024 08:32

No one would be smoking weed in my house. Adult or child.

They need to move out. I also feel they need help. But it's not going to happen if they have no respect for your property.

MattDamon · 27/04/2024 08:43

It's reasonable to tell him to move out. The situation isn't working for you and he isn't willing to change.

If you agree he can stay, YANBU to request his son be supervised, but YWBU to insist on a blanket ban. He can't not parent his minor child.

If you were my friend, I'd urge you to end things as he obviously doesn't respect you or your wishes. Plus, he's a shit dad. If things are this bad at 14, what is it going to be like in a few years? You deserve better than this.

Crumpleton · 27/04/2024 08:57

They moved in with me about 2 years into the relationship.

DP thinks I'm unreasonable, I've said he either doesn't come when we aren't in (I.e. school holidays when he just sits about in the house all day) or DP moves out and deals with him in his own house.

I'm confused, did they both move in and your boyfriends son lives there full time too.
OR does he just rock up when he wants to?

If the former then where do you expect him to go when you want him to stay away until one of you are back home.

If the latter I'm in agreement with you it's not a doss house for him and his friends to hang out in.

Haydenn · 27/04/2024 09:02

I would say to your DP that you don’t want to come between him and his son, and you understand that he wants to provide a place for him but the son is no longer welcome in your home and you think that DP should move out for a few years until his son calms down and sorts himself out.

It’s your house, your rules, your boundaries. I would expect when you start enforcing them actually your DP will actually start backing you up. The situation with the son is only going to get worse in the short term - I’d set your lines now.

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/04/2024 09:09

I think it's better if they both move out. Both of them sound very entitled. You will feel like you are on holiday if you have your home to yourself.

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/04/2024 09:10

Has your partner contributed to the mortgage in that time?

Pantaloons99 · 27/04/2024 09:14

These kids have no hope in hell when I read these threads! What is wrong with these men. He moves into your house, doesn't parent his son and thinks all will just be ok. It won't. I don't understand why women are ok with these men. He is responsible for this mess. He will do nothing and play the victim I imagine whilst the son takes the blame for everyone.
I understand your feelings and of course they are valid. It's your home after all. Why do these men move in like this and think it will all be rosy.

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 27/04/2024 09:15

Tbf, I'd just end the relationship because I couldn't be or love/respect a man who passively watches and does nothing while his 14 yo child is going off the rails and ruining his life.

If you don't want to this, then he has two options. Either he steps up and actually parents and gets his kid the help he needs or he moves out . The first 1 involves a lot of work and commitment (to some degree from you as well) but would give the best results for everyone long term. The second, I suspect resentment will seep in and the relationship will fizzle out anyway.

You definitely can't continue as things are .

paintingvenice · 27/04/2024 09:16

I think if you tell DP either the son isn’t allowed in your house anymore or they both go your DP will start to back you up pretty quick.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 27/04/2024 09:22

He’s 14. His father’s home is his home as his father has parental responsibilities.

If his Dad doesn’t parent in a way that suits you, it’s your DP who needs to go, and his Ds with him.

Teens can be obnoxious. But I wouldn’t live anywhere where my partner told me my own young teen was not welcome.

Doesn’t mean you have to put up with it in your house, far from it, but if your DH is any kind of a Dad they come as a package.

CandyFlossPot · 27/04/2024 09:30

I agree totally

Your home should be your safe place
With;

No drugs
No unknown people there, when you are not there
A place where things can be left untouched, trust
A place where you & your home are respected

You have lost your respect & trust

The child should be concentrating on his education & hobbies. But he needs his parents to help him do this. This is not your remit.

I agree that it is perfectly fair to put in some boundaries to protect yourself & your home

Give your DP notice to leave ASAP

Once left, change the locks on your property & possibly get a ring doorbell or similar

Goodluck

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/04/2024 09:32

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 27/04/2024 09:15

Tbf, I'd just end the relationship because I couldn't be or love/respect a man who passively watches and does nothing while his 14 yo child is going off the rails and ruining his life.

You definitely can't continue as things are .

I agree, I couldn't respect someone who parented so badly.

AnxiousRabbit · 27/04/2024 09:37

I know some teenage boys can be difficult but honestly you have a DH problem. He should not be making excuses or calling you unreasonable if his 14yr old is smoking, drinking and doing drugs.
He's a lax parent.

A psychologist might suggest that the biy is pushing trying to find boundaries that don't exist. I don't know how true that is but unless someone takes him in hand he's only going to get worse.
So yes you are right to give OH an ultimatum to do something about it.

This is nothing about him not being your son (except that he's not your responsibility and it makes it easier to give the ultimatum)
If my child was behaving like this and my OH was letting them and not backing up my stance then I would be at my wits end.

Olika · 27/04/2024 09:40

I think you should tell DP to move out (with his son). I would even reconsider whole relationship, too much drama.

pinkdelight · 27/04/2024 09:41

I own the house. DP likes to say its his too because we live together in it but in reality it's solely owned by me and I lived her for over 10 years before I met him.

Your DP is a chancer. There was a good thread last weekend if memory serves, where the OP got her (now ex)DP out because his kids were making her hate being in her own house. Those kids sounded less bad than your situation. You can't put up with this. They need to go.

pinkdelight · 27/04/2024 09:42

That thread was also really telling about how much the guy mainly gave a shit about the money/house and not having to sort his own home for the kids. Wouldn't surprise me if yours is the same when you assert your boundaries. Be strong.

Allfur · 27/04/2024 09:42

So he's fucked up his son by separating from the mother (for whatever reason)and getting a new partner and us not dealing with the fall out

HellonHeels · 27/04/2024 09:43

Agree with almost everyone else - get them both out.

Have a think if you really want to continue with the DP because he sounds like a waste of space (and a bit too keen to lay claim to your house)

AliceMcK · 27/04/2024 09:48

@Notamum12345577 of course she can. I remember one of my cousins having this rule put on them, they’d have to sit and wait till someone got home with a key before being let in the house. If you’re going to treat the people that provide a home for you with disrespect you don’t get to have free rein of that home.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2024 11:28

Your relationship is over, and you know this. Your partner has absolutely no respect for you or your home. Kick the both of them out, immediately.

Nicole1111 · 27/04/2024 12:09

If you’ve set a boundary which has been ignored then it’s not unfair for there to now be a consequence. More fool the pair of them for not taking you seriously.

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