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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to leave 3yo who doesn't want to?

40 replies

croissantlove · 26/04/2024 22:40

I have 2 children - eldest is 3y and youngest 6m.

We are going to a wedding next weekend about 3.5hr drive away, we can bring baby as babe in arms, eldest isn't invited.

We planned to leave her with her grandparents- she has a great relationship with my mother-in-law (she was looking after her 2 days per week when I was working before my maternity leave started 6m ago when I had baby).

But since baby was born she has become much more sensitive and clingy towards me. We haven't left her with Granny anymore (as haven't needed to and granny has been v busy). She still goes to nursery 3 days a week. Is generally a shy, sensitive little sweet girl.

When I told her the plan for next weekend, she was distraught and had such a worried little face. Has since brought it back up "mummy dont leave me", "mummy daddy don't go with baby" etc etc.

I don't know what to do. If the wedding was closer we could go and if it was awful for parents in law, I could come back. But it's so far that's not really an option!

What would you do?

OP posts:

Garlicnaan · 26/04/2024 22:43

Honestly?

I wouldn't go. I'm not saying that's the right answer for you, but if that were my kids with their own personalities I wouldn't. My children aren't close with other adults / relatives though and I imagine I'd feel differently if they were.

TeaKitten · 26/04/2024 22:44

I think starting to leave her with granny to build up to it again would have been the best plan. Do you think she will settle? Do you trust your mil to handle it well if she doesn’t?

FuppinNora · 26/04/2024 22:45

Bring her out tomorrow to buy her favourite snacks to share with Gran and few cheap toys. Next time maybe don't tell her baby is going also, it will seem a bit unfair to her.

Can Gran phone her and say how excited she is to have her over and mention some fun things to do? I'm sure she will be absolutely fine once you do go.

Donotneedit · 26/04/2024 22:49

I wouldn’t go either, she’s not used to staying away and she is being really clear that she doesn’t want to. The likelihood of her becoming very distressed seems reasonably high and you won’t be able to get back to her. From her perspective - having to deal with a younger sibling coming into the world is hard enough without them getting to go with you whilst she feels abandoned and your pleas not to be left ignored. the only way to make it work would be to work up to it slowly and reframe it in a way that’s more palatable to her but unfortunately it’s not been handled like that and I suspect it’s probably too late now. I guess the only other thing is if your friends understand the situation and allow you to take her, or Granny can stay in a local hotel with her for a bit so you can just duck out and do some of the wedding. I hate it when people ban kids from weddings.

WhySoManySocks · 26/04/2024 22:52

I would tell her again in a less you-and-baby centric way, and more DD focused. OMG a special adventure with Grandma?? Just for you??? Baby will be so sad not to go but it’s for big girls only, sorry. Special snacks? Grandma bed? Special toys? Maybe she can tell baby all about it the next day?

MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 26/04/2024 23:00

I strongly believe that one of the best things you can do for your children is create a village around them. Is there time for her to pop round grandmas for a visit in the week? Give grandma the heads up that she’s abit nervous, so she might plan something exciting for them to do together if it’s been a while… baking cakes?

Also, my child has looked distraught when I’ve told her she has nursery the next day after having a long weekend or been on holiday… and you know what… she’s absolutely fine! I will always ring to check on her if she’s had a wobble at drop off and she always is.

Your DD is safe and loved her grandma. She doesn’t want to be left out when you’re going to a wedding, but she will be fine. You’re not going to traumatise her! If i told my DD5 and DD2, they can chose between going out and having the best day ever or staying in with me and watching me iron, they would always chose the latter, so I do have to give them a little push sometimes.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 26/04/2024 23:03

I'm surprised at the I wouldn't go comments tbh.

Your dd will be absolutely fine and have a lovely time with her Grandma, by staying you are just feeding her anxiety and letting that anxiety win.

It takes a village to raise a child and having a night with Grandma is part of that.

I would definitely go, I wouldn't discuss it much with your dd other than to say 'I'm sorry you're feeling worried about this, you will be completely fine and your Grandma is really looking forward to looking after you.'

JoniBlue · 26/04/2024 23:05

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 26/04/2024 23:03

I'm surprised at the I wouldn't go comments tbh.

Your dd will be absolutely fine and have a lovely time with her Grandma, by staying you are just feeding her anxiety and letting that anxiety win.

It takes a village to raise a child and having a night with Grandma is part of that.

That is how we'd handle it too.

Sconeswithnutella · 26/04/2024 23:11

I wouldn’t present it as an option; it’s what is going to happen and she’ll be safe and have a lovely time. Children do become more clingy and insecure when a sibling is born but they still need to know that sometimes you’ll do things with just your youngest just like you’ll do things with just your oldest.

WeightoftheWorld · 26/04/2024 23:11

Only one of us would go in this situation and the other would stay home with the kids. If I was breastfeeding I'd stay with the kids. If it was just a friend of mine so not someone DH is connected to then none of us would go because personally I couldn't be arsed with that journey on my own with a 6m old. If it was a local wedding in that situation I'd go alone with baby.

I'm not saying you shouldn't leave your eldest with her grandparents, I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. But personally we wouldn't in this situation.

Tourmalines · 26/04/2024 23:22

I think you should go . Get her all excited about spending time with grandma . She knows her grandma , she is not a stranger .She will be fine. It is not going to cause her any damage.

INeedToClingToSomething · 26/04/2024 23:53

WhySoManySocks · 26/04/2024 22:52

This. Exactly. The first thing I thought was ."how did you tell her?" Factually I suspect? Me, dad and our NEW baby are going away and you are going to stay with grandma. Yes that's going to go down well! 😳

As the PP above says you need to reframe it making it about HER exciting adventure that she's going on, that baby isn't allowed to go to.

I would also up the visits to MIL in the lead up to get her back into that and it being exciting to go to/stay at grandmas.

Not going shouldn't even be on the agenda. Even if she's still not keen, once you are gone she will likely be fine and have a lovely time. Wider family relationships are very important and you won't build those without her having the opportunity for this sort of time with grandma etc.

Opine · 27/04/2024 00:09

I wouldn’t go either. If you have an event that excludes children then it would make sense that some guests can’t attend.

If your DD is a little bit anxious at the moment, as is reasonable, I’d just do whatever it takes to help her through it. I wouldn’t consider a wedding a good enough reason to possibly make things worse. A surgery or something is different but not a wedding.

Crystallizedring · 27/04/2024 00:22

I'm not sure. For about 5 months before DD2 was born DD1 used to spend one night a week with my parents. She kept doing this after we had DD2 but all of a sudden didn't want to and cried so much that my parents ended up bringing her back home.
So I probably wouldn't go if you think your eldest will be distressed. Yes they do have to learn about sharing their parents but it can be done more gently than going away with the baby and leaving eldest at home.
It depends. You know your child best. Do you think she'll be fine? Trust your instincts.

Noyesnoyes · 27/04/2024 05:56

WhySoManySocks · 26/04/2024 22:52

This.

You've seemed to have put a negative spin on it.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 27/04/2024 06:08

DS goes to spend a few to five days at grandparents a couple of times a year, because he has more time off school than we have annual leave and because they love having him, he's been going for shorter periods from admit the same age as your DD , it has always been dressed up as wild you like to go on a little holiday to Grandma and granddad's? They tell him the things they've got planned etc, before the Easter holidays he actually said school makes me very tired I think I need a little holiday to Grandma's! Which was fortunate as he was there Monday to Friday of the second week of the Easter holidays. He sees it as a real treat. You need to reconsider your messaging.

WhatNoRaisins · 27/04/2024 06:16

I'd consider not going but I'd agree with trying to rephrase it as fun time with grandma and seeing if that helps. Sometimes the fallout of having to leave a child just isn't worth it.

Peonies12 · 27/04/2024 06:16

I assume she hasn’t been having her days with Gran since you’ve been on maternity? That seems the error here - I would have kept that up at least one day. And you need to frame it as having a fun weekend with Gran, I wouldn’t have even said you are going away. It’s so important kids spend time with other adults

Lauren83 · 27/04/2024 06:25

Personally I wouldn't pull out of a confirmed wedding attendance with a weeks notice, I agree you should go as you would be making things even harder next time you needed to leave her

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 27/04/2024 06:25

I definitely would not leave her and go with my DH and baby. I think other posters are focussing on the wrong things; yes it takes a village, yes she has a great relationship with granny, yes she needs to learn how things are, but…..knowing you and her father and new sibling are going away together and leaving her behind will quite likely be devastating for her. I do not agree that she will definitely “be all right”. She might be. But she might be badly affected by it emotionally. I’d have one of you go (whoever is closer to the couple).

PurBal · 27/04/2024 06:33

What @WhySoManySocks said.

Woahtherehoney · 27/04/2024 06:33

Can you maybe plan something for just you and her either before you go or for when you get back?

I’m not at all saying you shouldn’t go but from her perspective she’s been the only one, and now she has to share you with the baby AND you’re going away with just the baby and leaving her behind. A way to soften the blow might be that she’ll also get some special time with mummy and daddy without the baby so she doesn’t feel left out - even if it’s just a few hours?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 27/04/2024 06:33

The points people are making about it being harder next time you need to leave her don’t really add up. She is going off to nursery so obviously can be left. I can’t think of any (realistic) situation other than a “child free” wedding where you and your DH and baby would go away for the weekend and leave her behind. It will really play to her insecurity.

Arrestedmanevolence · 27/04/2024 06:37

I wouldn't go simply because weddings are tedious and more so with a baby.

Lauren83 · 27/04/2024 06:37

I do understand there may not be other times she gets left whilst mum, dad and baby go out, but next time it could just be mum and dad she was asking not to go, or just mum

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