AIBU to leave 3yo who doesn't want to?

[croissantlove]

I have 2 children - eldest is 3y and youngest 6m.

We are going to a wedding next weekend about 3.5hr drive away, we can bring baby as babe in arms, eldest isn't invited.

We planned to leave her with her grandparents- she has a great relationship with my mother-in-law (she was looking after her 2 days per week when I was working before my maternity leave started 6m ago when I had baby).

But since baby was born she has become much more sensitive and clingy towards me. We haven't left her with Granny anymore (as haven't needed to and granny has been v busy). She still goes to nursery 3 days a week. Is generally a shy, sensitive little sweet girl.

When I told her the plan for next weekend, she was distraught and had such a worried little face. Has since brought it back up "mummy dont leave me", "mummy daddy don't go with baby" etc etc.

I don't know what to do. If the wedding was closer we could go and if it was awful for parents in law, I could come back. But it's so far that's not really an option!

What would you do?

Whose wedding is it?

How long will you be gone?

How far away is it?

It's a tough one as it will cost the wedding couple if you let them down at the last minute.

But your dd is clearly struggling with adjusting to the changes in your life.

Plus you should be able to go have fun and the likelihood is your dd will be fine.

This is going to sound really stupid but... you did tell her you would be coming back didn't you?

Sorry just seen it's 3.5 hours away.

Id weigh up how much you want to go and inconveniencing the bride and groom against your dds distress.

I have a child simillar age. And honestly I would struggle to enjoy the day at the idea she was upset but I would know within half an hour they'd be playing and she'd be fine.

Is it a weekday wedding? If so, Have you considered asking the nursery for an extra day/swap instead.

I would leave her. She will be safe and no doubt spoilt. I had to leave my nearly three year old to take young baby to hospital for many weeks for surgery. Things I did that helped

1. got her a special little wheel suitcase for her special things to take with her
2. spent the week before filling the bag with wrapped up treats that Granny gave out bit by bit
3. special activities- in my dd case new felt tips and colouring books
4. new Pjs chosen by her
5. new pillowcase chosen by her that I had ‘preloaded with Mummy hugs and kisses’
6. I sent her pictures from baby in post to watch out for ( wouldn’t work in this case but Granny could pop some into letter box?)

Basically I made it into one big massive treat for her. Was she upset when we left- yes but did she settle- yes. Learning age appropriate resilience is important and she has already started with going to nursery so this is just an extension. Also ring her and when on phone tell her you and baby are having a boring time and you are so glad she is having a lovely time

Honestly once you’re gone she’ll probably be fine. I would still go because I’m not a fan of children dictating adult lives but that’s not popular on MN! Kids need to learn that sometimes they can’t go to things, she’ll be safe, she’ll be looked after. It’s just life.

It’s a bit late now, but I’d have done a sleepover a few weeks before for all of you at grandmas house.

reframe as special big girl treat. Get her pick some special snacks to take, possibly a new toy, can grandma call to say how excited she is for their special big girls sleepover.

then I’d be the designated driver, get up at the crack of dawn (6month old will probably help with that) and aim to be collecting her before 10am. Alternatively, can you drive back after the wedding, not stay over? Dd will still need the sleepover at grandmas but you/dh would be able to collect her at breakfast.

Also is grandma going to be doing childcare once you are out of maternity leave? If so you need to start building up again her spending time with grandma without you.

I wouldn't go. If she has maintained her time with granny over the last six months I would, but six months is a very long time in the life of a three year old.

It’s 1-2 nights? I would absolutely go. Your DD will very likely be fine. Very few kids aren’t bummed out when they’re told mum/dad are away, but they usually just get on with it when the time comes.

I recently had to go on a work trip for 4 nights and DH came out to join me for 3 nights. Our twins were super grumpy about ‘sleepover at grannies’. Well we faced timed them every day and they were having a ball. Then when we went to collect them they didn’t want to leave.

I strongly believe it’s healthy to ensure your kids are safe and take that 1% of adult time every once in a while.

She's 3...acceptable to be raised that adults make the decisions.. If she is 6 and still clingy will you never leave her and do anything?

This

Another one to say go and have a lovely time. My child at a similar age would cry and not want me to leave but 5 mins after I left would be having a fantastic time. Agree to being really cheerful and reminding daughter that this is a special chance for her to have special big girl time with Granny.

I would leave her with Grandma. She will be fine there. Tbh if Grandma would be ok with it I'd leave both children with Grandma and enjoy a child free night. If you have to take baby though because of breastfeeding or something I would just explain to her why baby has to come but she can't. Honestly can't get my head around not going to a wedding because a 3 year old doesn't want to stay at Grandma's house when Grandma will take care of her.

Of course you go! You can’t let down the bride and groom last minute just because your 3YO says so. But definitely reframe it. I wouldn’t even have mentioned the wedding at that age, or the baby going because of course she’d feel left out and excluded. It would have been all about how she’s having a special fun weekend with Grandma that only big girls can do, not babies