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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if sometimes you feel just so exasperated by your DH?

35 replies

kokomilan · 26/04/2024 21:43

.... That really. I mean I understand sometimes marriage can be hard work. But this week, I just kept thinking, errrkkkk I wish DH would just go out so I can have the house just for myself. Or working late to avoid him a bit. I find tolerating small things that I didn't use to notice harder.

I don't know if it's normal or worrying? Nothing big has happened and we generally have a happy life.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 27/04/2024 07:20

Are you perimenopause age by any chance?

Pheeeeebs · 27/04/2024 07:28

Menopause is often quoted for this type of irritation, both on and off MN.. can I ask why women should consider menopause as an explanation for their partner being so annoying?

How can women of a certain age tell the difference between hormones and a plain variety annoying partner?

Sorry I’ve not helped your AIBU. However, I asked a friend this question last week to which they told me it is probably that your partner is annoying and you have less patience for their behaviour.

Iaminthefly · 27/04/2024 07:30

I'm singlw but tbh most of the women I know seem to feel like this about their partners.

LittleBooThang · 27/04/2024 07:31

No. I love mine and value every second we spend together.

Noicant · 27/04/2024 07:33

No not really, whats he doing thats irritating? Dh and I are quite good at being quiet together. The crisp munching though, that is really irritating.

Catinmyshedoh · 27/04/2024 07:34

TBH no, he really doesn't get on my nerves much at all. I don't like it when he's not here.

DustyLee123 · 27/04/2024 07:37

Pheeeeebs · 27/04/2024 07:28

Menopause is often quoted for this type of irritation, both on and off MN.. can I ask why women should consider menopause as an explanation for their partner being so annoying?

How can women of a certain age tell the difference between hormones and a plain variety annoying partner?

Sorry I’ve not helped your AIBU. However, I asked a friend this question last week to which they told me it is probably that your partner is annoying and you have less patience for their behaviour.

The lack of oestrogen, the ‘caring’ hormone, is often the explanation for less tolerance as we get older.
I certainly tolerate my DH better on HRT.

Hoglet70 · 27/04/2024 07:44

I think it would be weird not to live with someone and not have times when they drive you a bit demented, it's part and parcel of relationships.

Fairyliz · 27/04/2024 08:49

Hoglet70 · 27/04/2024 07:44

I think it would be weird not to live with someone and not have times when they drive you a bit demented, it's part and parcel of relationships.

Yes I agree.
I have been on several holidays with friends that I really like , doing something that I want to do but sometimes end up feeling mildly irritated by them.
It’s probably worse with your DH as you spend more time with them just doing daily chores.

phoenixrosehere · 27/04/2024 08:59

Hoglet70 · 27/04/2024 07:44

I think it would be weird not to live with someone and not have times when they drive you a bit demented, it's part and parcel of relationships.

Agree.

I’m not menopausal and feel this way in spells. It’s usually because I haven’t had time to myself or very little of it.

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 27/04/2024 09:09

I hear you OP. I am in a constant state of irritation and exasperation. Usually over small things but there are so many of them. I genuinely worry about it, I crave alone time all the time. If I had my own bedroom and a little private sitting/ reading room for myself I think we'd get on OK. Mostly I wish he could just be somewhere else!

Kindleonfire · 27/04/2024 09:18

Pheeeeebs · 27/04/2024 07:28

Menopause is often quoted for this type of irritation, both on and off MN.. can I ask why women should consider menopause as an explanation for their partner being so annoying?

How can women of a certain age tell the difference between hormones and a plain variety annoying partner?

Sorry I’ve not helped your AIBU. However, I asked a friend this question last week to which they told me it is probably that your partner is annoying and you have less patience for their behaviour.

I agree with this. So much gets blamed on peri menopause and women's hormones and the reality is it's women just being expected to cope with an excessive amount of stress in their lives. When my husband left me, my peri-menopausal symptoms disappeared. Funny that!

Original poster
kokomilan · 27/04/2024 10:29

DustyLee123 · 27/04/2024 07:20

Are you perimenopause age by any chance?

Nope

OP posts:
Original poster
kokomilan · 27/04/2024 10:30

LittleBooThang · 27/04/2024 07:31

No. I love mine and value every second we spend together.

May that last, truly envy you!

OP posts:
Original poster
kokomilan · 27/04/2024 10:31

Noicant · 27/04/2024 07:33

No not really, whats he doing thats irritating? Dh and I are quite good at being quiet together. The crisp munching though, that is really irritating.

Honestly nothing much. Like a pp said the munching of crisps lol, I had to tell him to close his mouth when he eats and it really took me by surprise by how strongly I felt!!

OP posts:
Original poster
kokomilan · 27/04/2024 10:32

Hoglet70 · 27/04/2024 07:44

I think it would be weird not to live with someone and not have times when they drive you a bit demented, it's part and parcel of relationships.

The logical part of me does thing that, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
kokomilan · 27/04/2024 10:32

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 27/04/2024 09:09

I hear you OP. I am in a constant state of irritation and exasperation. Usually over small things but there are so many of them. I genuinely worry about it, I crave alone time all the time. If I had my own bedroom and a little private sitting/ reading room for myself I think we'd get on OK. Mostly I wish he could just be somewhere else!

OMG I feel seen!!

OP posts:
Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 27/04/2024 10:40

I'm going away on a mini break alone next month just to get away. I'm leaving Dh with 3 kids and feel a little guilty but honestly my sanity and marriage is at stake!

bringmorewashing · 27/04/2024 10:51

YANBU, mine is incredibly irritating at times and I often wish he would go out and leave me in peace! I'm definitely not perimenopausal. He's always been a bit oblivious. He has plenty of good points that make up for it - just about!

KestrelMoon · 27/04/2024 10:51

I do. DH can be such a hypocrit. We had a talk last night and he said because my brow is furrowed when I’m working and because I answer simple yes/no questions with a yes or a no when interrupted, then I am apparently always angry, curt and mean and he is afraid to come home from work? i explain that that is my concentrating face and how else does one answer a yes/no question like “should I set an alarm?” Other than with a yes/no? I said I don’t understand what he is afraid of?

But then when he is angry and shouting saying things like “fuck you, you cunt” or “fuck this shit” or just “fuck fuck fuck” while slamming and breaking things such that I just leave the room, apparently that is me over reacting and choosing to be offended and I’m being a “pussy” because he “needs to vent” when I’ve expressed that behaviour scares me and I can’t be around it.

The threshold for him being scared is my brow furrowing when I’m concentrating on work and answering a yes/no question with a quick yes or no, and that’s supposed to make sense? But my threshold of being scared of him is being a “pussy” and “choosing to be offended”?

I knew it was ridiculous and typing it out has only highlighted that. But at any rate his nitpicking me on things like this when he can’t see how he expects me to put up with much worse from him has me very frustrated and annoyed at this point.

Pixiedust1234 · 27/04/2024 11:05

Yes I was frequently irritated by him. It wasn't so much what it was, it was the constant stream of it all. Finding windows closed that are used for ventilation, doors unlocked, lids off jam, crumbs everywhere, pots left on front of work surface instead of being at the back, pots unsoaked or taken out of soak (wtf?), shoes half put away, tv put on then he went out... every single day I spent 30 mins to an hour sorting out the house to an adult standard because of him. Then add on the door slamming, stomping around/shuffling, loud outside voice and inability to cover his mouth when coughing (despite all the public service announcements following covid). I. Am. Just. Done. (And getting a divorce). I can't cope with another twenty years of that shit.

socks1107 · 27/04/2024 11:12

Yes totally at times, he drives me bonkers! But he's also very loving, very very kind and makes me happy.
Sometimes I just ask him to stop with whatever is driving me mad and he does.
I'm sure I drive him mad at times too and it's worth remembering that, we can all be irritating to others

HesterPrincess · 27/04/2024 11:22

I love DH and he's genuinely a decent man but his personal habits are not easy to live with. He's morphed into some sort of hybrid between Basil Fawlty and Victor Meldrew. He's only 60.... god help me over the next 20 years. I've never noticed the age gap (10 years) but it's starting to feel like a gaping chasm.

JudgeJ · 27/04/2024 11:48

Iaminthefly · 27/04/2024 07:30

I'm singlw but tbh most of the women I know seem to feel like this about their partners.

I would think most couples feel like this about each other at times, I'm sure I annoyed my late OH at times, he certainly annoyed me at times!

Ivyy · 27/04/2024 12:03

Yes exasperated by various niggles that mount up, like putting the bread right on top of the fruit bowl multiple times a day, even though I keep explaining it's making the bread go mouldy v quickly. He keeps saying he forgets. Or leaving toothpaste mixed with bits of food from brushing his teeth splattered in the sink, and a puddle of the drips on the bathroom floor 🤢 When I've found random bits of finger nails deposited on a plate after he's finished eating a sandwich at his desk, he then denies doing it?! They're not my bits of bitten fingernails and dd is at school!

Not listening to anything I say then getting narky with me when I say did you hear what I just said,