Playing my life 'safe' worried I am going to have regrets

[playingitsafe123]

I'm not sure where to start so I'll just launch.

I'm in my early 30s now with a 2 yr old and another baby due in June. I have a wonderful husband who is kind, caring, loving, wants the best for us. Stable, strong, hardworking and all around the sort of guy you want to end up with.

A bit about me, I didn't have the best childhood - my father left very soon. My mum then offloaded me to relatives, but I did see her a few times a year. I lived with her and my step dad for a few years in my teens. He was very manipulative, controlling and sexually very inappropriate with me - but never did anything. At this point my mum lived the other side of the UK from where our family is from so no one really knew what was going on. I started drinking and going out clubbing at 14.I also dated much much older guys in their late 20s even one in his 30s. Along with a string of teenage boys. I was never single which I view as a bad thing not positive.

I had a long term bf in late teens/ early 20s. Very volatile lots of breaking up, getting back together. A friend lived with us for a month she said he tried to control me, but I didn't notice it.

Meet DH wen I was 22, him 27 so normal age difference. He is from a very small rural community. He works in and will take over a good family business so will not leave, this also involves long hours and weekend work pretty much every single weekend. I moved to him. It's been hard I didn't really settle. Still went to my home town a lot of going out etc. Not a lot of young women stay around here. Most go to the cities and don't come back. When I first moved he used to always take Sundays off. He said he still does but he doesn't he usually has to 'check on something'

I had a bad MH time in my late 20s. I spent a few months in a MH hospital. I had been drinking a lot. In the follow up process, borderline personality disorder was brought up. But they think I am over the 'worst' phase of it. Some of the mad stuff I used to do is gone.

But now DH doesn't let me drink, which I do get, but we never and I mean never go out now because of that. Anywhere not for a coke or a meal. We work, mind our child, I cook and clean, we watch netflix and go to bed by 10pm most nights. DH genuinely is very happy with this set up.

I feel like I am wasting my life and I am going to have regrets. I want to go out, socalise, meet and talk to people. I want to go to restaurants, concerts, theatre, art galleries. Take a weekend trip just the two of us.

I know I knew what he did before I moved here. I love my husband you really couldn't want for a better guy. I love my child and I will love my new baby. I just don't love my life. I have a good life.

Is it a case that the grass is greener?

I think it’s normal to feel a bit trapped when you have a baby even if you are prepared for it. There is no reason you can’t start to socialise more, you can have a happy content home life with your DH and also go out with friends. Is there a reason he won’t go out for meals etc?

@AmiShitsaline thanks for reading the whole essay and responding. I have tried. I am really struggling to make friends here. As I said very small rural community. I have made a few connections over the years but nothing sticks. When I first moved I was friendly with 2 women who have both now moved away. I have joined 2 groups and will keep going to those in hopes of developing things.

There is no cinema, 1 restaurant, 1 shop, 1 GP surgery in the village. Primary school. I WFH for a city company. He just says why go out for dinner when he prefer my food. We are about an hour from a bigger town with a cinema/ more restaurants.

DH is very contented with his own/ my company. He doesn't have friends so no girlfriends/ wives for me to get to know. He is an only child so no sisters/ SILs

It could be because of the children. I know I am stuck here. DH won't leave and understandably he wouldn't just let me leave with our DC

Please don't underestimate the value of parenting your children properly and being fully present. You're living proof that letting that slip can have messy results. How you are feeling is normal but I think the secret to this time is to fully embrace it. Remind yourself of how well this has turned out given a shaky start. You did that and it's no mean feat. The grind of small children can be wearing, I know, and it can leave your mind a bit flat and looking for stimulation. Also I wonder if there is an issue there with ADHD. I know that's a big thing for me to drop in, I just felt it was worth mentioning because your reaction to being settled (even though you want and need that) is to be unsettled and that's something I've seen and experienced before. I truly wish you all the very best, you aren't a bad partner or a bad Mother for wanting more, you just need to nail down why that is.

You're not in the least unreasonable. That sounds incredibly dull. None of what you want is in the least unreasonable. The issue is that you have boxed yourself into a situation where these things are more difficult to achieve -- is it fair to say that isolation contributed to your period of poor MH in your late 20s?

That's the second time you've said your DH 'wouldn't let you' do something. In this case, it isn't true. If you divorced him, he would have no choice but to let you leave. He also doesn't get to control other decisions. Have you talked frankly about how, if you are going to continue to live in his backwater, you need him to take a day a week off and spend it, at least sometimes, doing sociable things you want to do?

Why are you the one doing the cooking and cleaning?

What do you mean your husband doesn’t let you drink? You don’t need his permission.

I mean he wouldn't let me take DC and go live somewhere else. Anywhere I'd want to live would be at least 2 hours from here so I can't see him agreeing as he'd only see them at weekends at best. I know he couldn't stop me but I presume he could stop me taking the dc.

I don't want to leave him anyway i honestly don't think I will ever have a better husband.

We've had those discussions but then the day off comes around and he is tired and doesn't want to go somewhere. That he has worked hard all week and needs a day off which he does.

We do tend to get to the zoo once a year and maybe the beach one day. We had a family weekend away last year which was nice.

I don't really know why. He is a crap cook. Then just doesn't seem to notice the house needs to be cleaned. I do get him to do windows and floor though. When I go away he will eat frozen food or batch cooking from the freezer.

I ended up in a MH hospital. He worries if I drink I'll go back. But I see now my drinking was self medication. But I do have issues there and he's the one that lived with that. But I'd love a night "out out"

So basically it’s his way or no way? Why should he get to decide how you live your life? Why do you have no input? Why can't he compromise? Your wants and needs are just as valid as his.

I don't understand the correlation between alcohol and going out. I can see why he has severe reservations around the idea of you going back to alcohol because you've had a problem in the past. But I really don't see why he's against the idea of going out for a meal... you could both have soft drinks, alcohol isn't compulsory!

He sounds quite controlling in a quiet way. I'm a bit concerned about that, OP. One thing I think you may well come to regret later is allowing yourself to be so curtailed by his views.

I certainly think the isolation didn't help. Two family members who played a large role in my upbringing died in quick sucession, 1 anniversary is today so that's brining me down.

The step dad also died which messed with me as I didn't understand by then he didn't love me.

It is dull. I am so jealous of the lives of others. But I know the grass can seem.greener even if you in central London you probably think rural living is the ideal.

What dh can offer our children is 100x more than I ever could. It's such a safe, secure environment.

I think you had some weird first responses that made out like it’s normal to live such a limited life. It’s really not. One trip to the zoo and a family weekend away in a whole year is not the norm. Staying at home to do all the cooking and cleaning, isolated from your own friends and with a husband who works 7 days a week isn’t normal either. Wanting more than that is not excessive, and nor is it unachievable or asking too much.

He does sound controlling OP, it doesn’t sound good. If he cared about you he’d want to do some things you want too and he’d worry about making sure your needs are met.

I think maybe you feel like you’re doing penance for something - maybe you feel guilty about what happened in the past or like you have to make up for it somehow? (You absolutely shouldn’t feel like that, but I can’t think of another reason why you would feel like you have to settle for so little?)

You keep saying your husband is a wonderful guy but what does he do that’s wonderful FOR YOU? He doesn’t help with anything at home, he doesn’t meet his promises to spend time with you and to prioritise that over work at least sometimes, he doesn’t compromise so you can get your needs met for interest and stimulation outside being a mum and domestic drudge. If he’s really the fantastic guy you think he is then surely he will be terribly worried that his wife if so lonely and unhappy, and he’ll want to know what he can do to help fix this?

"If he’s really the fantastic guy you think he is then surely he will be terribly worried that his wife if so lonely and unhappy, and he’ll want to know what he can do to help fix this?"

This, you aren't happy, yes you've got young kids and live somewhere rural and that is going to come with compromises. But you have to live some life too!

what dh can offer our children is 100x more than I ever could.

But he’s barely home so I presume you’re doing most of the parent? Why are you downplaying your role and the excellent job you’re doing already. Sorry I missed this but do you work/ have a career?

And I’m really sorry for your losses. Have you ever had therapy?

Hear hear, @AliasGrape. OP, it's OK to want more than this stultifying existence! It's not something to be ashamed of, and you should certainly not feel you should still be 'doing penance' for your MH episode in the past.

If he's as good a man as you say, he will take your needs seriously, given all the enormous sacrifices you've made for him.

(Also, is he a farmer?)

You've gone from one extreme to the other OP and you need to find your sweet spot. It's hard to gauge whether your H is being 'controlling' around your drinking and drinking related situations, or whether he is trying to keep you on track, with the best of intentions. Its easy for the sober/sensible partner to go over the top with this, but they don't occupy the safest place in the world because all the time in the back of their mind they can fear the wheels falling off. You know your H best, does that sound possible?
Regardless, the things you've listed are low risk for sobriety and seem totally reasonable. Can you tell your H how important it is for you to do these type of things, and if he really doesn't want to, could you do them with a friend?

Presumably he's in farming? If he isn't ever going to leave because he's set to inherit, then you need to factor into your thinking that this is going to be your life forever. If it's making you miserable now, I don't think there's much point in hoping that it will somehow get better without any change occurring. I also think that being this unhappy and isolated would be the thing most likely to send you back to the bottle tbh, so if he really cares about that - rather than just wanting to police you - he needs to listen to what you're telling him.

I assume his work is hard and physical, so I think the division of labour might be a bit different for you than for other couples, but the tedious old trope of "not seeing" things that need doing does seem to reinforce the idea that he sees you as a handmaiden who should be grateful for the stability he offers - and I expect you are, given your history, but stability comes in many forms and he's being unreasonable not to acknowledge that your needs may be different from what he's rigidly agreeing to offer you. You don't need to be grateful forever either! He has to accept you as an equal partner in the marriage, rather than a rescue project he can dictate to.

I think you should give some serious thought to what you would ideally like your life to look like and see if there's any room for compromise. If there isn't, or if he won't, then ywnbu to leave - and if that means moving far away from him, then he will have to learn some flexibility for his children's sake, if not yours.

Have you had an opportunity to learn to drive?

I can understand why if your husband has had a long day at work he might not fancy going out but that isn't any sort of reason for you not to.

I'm just wondering if you could get to the next larger town for some kind of special interest groups (history/books) or baby classes just as a starting point to give you a boost as you work out what you need.

I feel for you - it's so important to have something of your own outside of family stuff. The early years can be an absolute hamster wheel of tedious stuff.

You are just as worthy as anyone else is to make the life that suits you - and your husband should see that.

He is a farmer was it obvious I was trying to be a little vague.

He is a strong silent type. I know women are always shocked when their husband has an affair/ leaves but I can say with complete certainty he wouldn't.

The drinking I think he is mostly afraid. So he is reasonable in that. I would love to go out and socialise with a few drinks. Even before my mh stay he wasn't a fan of going out

He's a quiet man. Who wants to live a nice quiet life.

I can't go do things with friends because I really don't have any, anymore. The ones from my home town ran a mile when I went into hospital and I am still trying to make friends where I live now.

I'm not opposed to doing things alone though or just me and dc. I have brought dc on 2 weekend trips to my home town alone.

He can offer them a secure home. And hasn't been to a mh hospital.

I work but only part time. He works so many hours but it's all to "build up the business" it's not like we even have much money.

Maybe I will book a theatre trip for myself after the baby is born.

He can offer them a secure home. And hasn't been to a mh hospital.

Having an inpatient psych admission doesn't make you a second tier person, or parent, OP. You know that, right?

How rural is it in terms of the schools? I struggled socially for a while in my area but have met many lovely friends through my kids school. I understand why you are feeling isolated there, it would be too rural for me, I like my own company and can go for a while without socialising but it’s nice to have places nearby and the choice to go out when I want.

It sounds like a good existence for a 55 year old quiet woman !you are still young atm , you feel as though life is passing you by because it is! Look you had a rough patch it doesn't define your future you knows 😉, surely you deserve dome life if your own .are there any social groups such as young farmers. A church group such as mothers union ? You will get tired of this and make a break for freedom .you need to protect your MH. I can't see why a pizza or pub meal couldn't happen. Loads of alcohol free drinks or a coke maybe

You say you couldn't find a better husband but actually you're not really compatible. You want a different life and find the life he wants stifling.

I get it - my children are tweens and I am absolutely longing for more freedom and a bit of urban life and choices around me now, after spending a decade in a small town for their benefit.

In my experience it just gets worse - and once your kids are older and want to go places like the cinema etc with friends you'll be a constant chauffeur.

I don't know what the answer is for you I'm afraid. But you do seem fundamentally incompatible (and that's ignoring the 'he won't let me' stuff). He sounds like an absolute bore.

Sometimes i do. Today I guess I don't. I feel like I have to be grateful for what I get. This is not the correct me thinking, but I should be grateful that he has not left and that he probably won't. That it is my fault I was unlovable and left as a child. That grown men used that clear desire for love for their own needs "I was asking for it, not like I said no".

I know I'm letting myself get into disturbed thoughts and that I need to snap out.