Playing my life 'safe' worried I am going to have regrets

[playingitsafe123]

I'm not sure where to start so I'll just launch.

I'm in my early 30s now with a 2 yr old and another baby due in June. I have a wonderful husband who is kind, caring, loving, wants the best for us. Stable, strong, hardworking and all around the sort of guy you want to end up with.

A bit about me, I didn't have the best childhood - my father left very soon. My mum then offloaded me to relatives, but I did see her a few times a year. I lived with her and my step dad for a few years in my teens. He was very manipulative, controlling and sexually very inappropriate with me - but never did anything. At this point my mum lived the other side of the UK from where our family is from so no one really knew what was going on. I started drinking and going out clubbing at 14.I also dated much much older guys in their late 20s even one in his 30s. Along with a string of teenage boys. I was never single which I view as a bad thing not positive.

I had a long term bf in late teens/ early 20s. Very volatile lots of breaking up, getting back together. A friend lived with us for a month she said he tried to control me, but I didn't notice it.

Meet DH wen I was 22, him 27 so normal age difference. He is from a very small rural community. He works in and will take over a good family business so will not leave, this also involves long hours and weekend work pretty much every single weekend. I moved to him. It's been hard I didn't really settle. Still went to my home town a lot of going out etc. Not a lot of young women stay around here. Most go to the cities and don't come back. When I first moved he used to always take Sundays off. He said he still does but he doesn't he usually has to 'check on something'

I had a bad MH time in my late 20s. I spent a few months in a MH hospital. I had been drinking a lot. In the follow up process, borderline personality disorder was brought up. But they think I am over the 'worst' phase of it. Some of the mad stuff I used to do is gone.

But now DH doesn't let me drink, which I do get, but we never and I mean never go out now because of that. Anywhere not for a coke or a meal. We work, mind our child, I cook and clean, we watch netflix and go to bed by 10pm most nights. DH genuinely is very happy with this set up.

I feel like I am wasting my life and I am going to have regrets. I want to go out, socalise, meet and talk to people. I want to go to restaurants, concerts, theatre, art galleries. Take a weekend trip just the two of us.

I know I knew what he did before I moved here. I love my husband you really couldn't want for a better guy. I love my child and I will love my new baby. I just don't love my life. I have a good life.

Is it a case that the grass is greener?

Your life does sound very stifling and I say that as a home body myself! But then I'm a lot older than you.

I feel that you have your DH on somewhat of a pedestal, in that in your mind he's "good" while you have made mistakes. But he's not "better" than you and he's not right about everything. I can understand you want your DC to have a stable and secure home but you matter too.

I think you should prioritise making some friends. Get involved with something locally, join a club, anything! I know how villages are but there must be something going on. Even if it's not necessarily that interesting to you, initially it's about getting out and meeting people. Take any opportunity to do that. The rest can then flow from there.

You can also do things on your own or with the DC, absolutely. I'm single and go off to loads of places by myself. I quite enjoy it as then I don't have to consider anyone else.

And nothing that's happened to you was your fault 💐

He's a controlling, boring knob, and I would hate to live like this even if I was 75. I go out to restaurants, concerts, gigs and I dont drink. That's a red herring used by him to control you.

Don't let this continue.

To be honest your husband sounds very controlling. The reality is that you moved to a rural area to be with him. He should be helping you to meet people and make friends. He should be home in the evenings and encouring you to get involved with some local groups or organisations. Even if you did an evening class in the local school or a keep fit class one night a week it would get you out of the house and give you a break.

Your not being unreasonable at all but you need to chat to him and tell him how your feeling. Tell him that your a married couple with a child and a 2nd one on the way and you need to chat about this and figure out what will make things better for you, him and your children.

You need to tell him that your sick of sitting at home every night and never doing anything as a couple or as a family at the weekend.

It time he was told to get some help in the business now and train them up so he can spend more time with you and his kid's. Tell him that in x months time you will have a 2 year old and new born and you need his help then. Tell him you have a c section you won't be able to lift the 2 year old for a few weeks or drive for a while and nor are you going to be able to do all the housework and cooking either.

The reality is that he is a married man with a child and another child on the way. He needs to consider more then himself and the business. It's not an easy stage with a toddler and baby but it made worse when it all landed on you. I know people that are self employed and worked long hours at times. When they had children they realised it was time to employ another person to share the work load even for 2 or 3 days a week so they had time away from the business.
Working long hours continuously or working 7 days a week with no break is only going to end up with him in poor health as well.

Unless he start to make some changes I would just stop doing his washing or cooking his meals. Tell him that what happens when he does not help you out, you have no time as a couple and he spends no time with his child.
I would also make plans one Saturday to go and meet one of your friends from where you live and stay with them overnight. Tell him that you are doing this and leave him to mind his child for the weekend. He probably has no idea at all about how hard it is to mind a toddler and do housework as well.

No wonder you're feeling the way you are being stuck at home with a toddler, no friends or support and a husband who seems totally unaware of this. The truth is we all need something to look forward to and the odd break away from a small child. This does not make you a bad mother but one that human and realise that for her own sake she needs help and a break.

To be honest your husband sounds very controlling. The reality is that you moved to a rural area to be with him. He should be helping you to meet people and make friends. He should be home in the evenings and encouring you to get involved with some local groups or organisations. Even if you did an evening class in the local school or a keep fit class one night a week it would get you out of the house and give you a break.

Your not being unreasonable at all but you need to chat to him and tell him how your feeling. Tell him that your a married couple with a child and a 2nd one on the way and you need to chat about this and figure out what will make things better for you, him and your children.

You need to tell him that your sick of sitting at home every night and never doing anything as a couple or as a family at the weekend.

It time he was told to get some help in the business now and train them up so he can spend more time with you and his kid's. Tell him that in x months time you will have a 2 year old and new born and you need his help then. Tell him you have a c section you won't be able to lift the 2 year old for a few weeks or drive for a while and nor are you going to be able to do all the housework and cooking either.

The reality is that he is a married man with a child and another child on the way. He needs to consider more then himself and the business. It's not an easy stage with a toddler and baby but it made worse when it all landed on you. I know people that are self employed and worked long hours at times. When they had children they realised it was time to employ another person to share the work load even for 2 or 3 days a week so they had time away from the business.
Working long hours continuously or working 7 days a week with no break is only going to end up with him in poor health as well.

Unless he start to make some changes I would just stop doing his washing or cooking his meals. Tell him that what happens when he does not help you out, you have no time as a couple and he spends no time with his child.
I would also make plans one Saturday to go and meet one of your friends from where you live and stay with them overnight. Tell him that you are doing this and leave him to mind his child for the weekend. He probably has no idea at all about how hard it is to mind a toddler and do housework as well.

No wonder you're feeling the way you are being stuck at home with a toddler, no friends or support and a husband who seems totally unaware of this. The truth is we all need something to look forward to and the odd break away from a small child. This does not make you a bad mother but one that human and realise that for her own sake she needs help and a break.

Oh, and you don't have ADHD because you want to go out.What even?

I know the grass can seem.greener even if you in central London you probably think rural living is the ideal.

I do live in central London, and I absolutely do not think rural living is ideal. You don't have to be apologetic about wanting more.

I was going to say I live in London and rural living is my idea of hell. Horses for courses.

He's very controlling. I couldn't live so isolated. Mental health doesn't make you a bad parent. You need to believe in yourself.

I think not drinking is sensible if you potentially have BPD, but never going anywhere sounds pretty stifling.
Farmers are a different breed though IMO. I've known plenty, their work is their life.
I really think you need to plan some things for you.

I think he's being unreasonable to expect you to be content with just staying indoors all the time. He needs to compromise and meet you halfway. Or you can just go and do things on your own if you drive. I'd be very unhappy being at home all the time too.

OP, you husband sounds controlling.

It's fair enough for him not to want you to drink if you have done extreme stuff when drunk in the past.

It is not fair enough for him to "not let you" drink.

I am sober myself now, but that's out of my own free choice. Not because a man "won't let me". Fuck that noise!

Ditto, you are the children's primary carer from the sound of it, he doesn't get to "not let you" move. Of course he wouldn't want you to move away with them. But he doesn't own you and them.

I am just getting really bad vibes from a lot of your posts about this guy. Of course I could be wrong - you know him best.

But it's not wrong to want autonomy over your life choices. You are a free woman, not a captive. As my daughter used to say to me (when she saw me in a controlling relationship, to my deep regret) "you were born to live your free life." She also told me I had become an "unpaid domestic servant". She was right on both counts.

And you might find, like I have, that when you are happy and free, the cravings to drink all the time largely diminish. Because alcohol is a great self medicant to deal with the stress and depression of a trapped and controlled life.....

@takemeawayagain they really are, I am not from a farm or a farming community. When I finish work that's it work is done. He does not finish work.

He has come home and is bathing the toddler so he doesn't leave everything to me.

I have joined a voluntary group which meets once a week. So far there are no obvious people I have a connection with but it does get me out of the house and the people are nice.

I have a friend who has PD and when she spirals, it is catastrophic and she has also ended up in MH hospital. It is not a good experience for her children or anyone around her. I can also that your husband is controlling, perhaps through fear, and this environment is not helpful for you.

In my experience, craving the chaos in some way, is not unusual in people with PD along with self sabotage and not feeling like you are good enough, equally that doesn’t mean you have to stick in a situation that doesn’t make you happy and doesn’t meet your needs.

It’s really complicated OP and I have a lot of sympathy for you. Maybe therapy might help you unpick your emotions and come to a decision that helps you move forward in a happier way. Don’t be hard on yourself, your husband may be nice, but he may not be the person for you.

Do you drive OP?

If not, this is one of the first things I’d be sorting out as it gives you a lot of freedom.

I would also look to join a group - it could be in person like a fitness class or the ladies circle or an online one like a book club or something you’re interested in.

It will be nice for you to make some friends.

You work PT and have a young family, so you don’t have much free time but I would consider what career you want and look into doing an online course (or one in person which will help you socialise too).

Its very concerning that you say you’ve never been single/not for long, that is a huge red flag.

Its also very concerning that you’ve said your DH ‘won’t let you’ a couple of times.

Start going out by yourself even.
It’s so important to be your own person and not just a wife or mum.

But now DH doesn't let me drink, which I do get, but we never and I mean never go out now because of that. Anywhere not for a coke or a meal.

There is no need to stay in just because you don’t drink.

Lots of people go out and don’t drink.
I do drink but many times I don’t because I am driving.

It sounds like DH likes staying in and so makes excuses as to why you should aswell.

It does sound like he’s controlling but I hope I’m wrong.

You will know if he’s controlling if he starts getting annoyed or makes excuses because you’re going out.

I think you need therapy, OP. You are not unlovable and you do not need to perpetually feel grateful to your husband for taking you on etc. Whether he means to or not, he is putting you on the back foot and making you feel like an unequal partner in this marriage, telling you what you can and can't do, and how it will and won't be. This can't end well. You're already policing yourself so he doesn't have to, agonising about what he would and wouldn't allow. This isn't healthy for either of you, won't be a healthy environment for children to grow up in (ironically, given how grateful you are for the stability you feel he provides and you don't), and imo will only get worse for you.

There are lots of possibilities for you in terms of friends, groups, jobs etc, but at the bottom of your situation is a shoddy childhood that has left you lacking in self-esteem and healthy boundaries. Working with a psychotherapist long-term, by Zoom if necessary given your location, is an essential first step for you to unravel thoughts, feelings and personal history imo. I don't think this man is good for you, but only you can really work out if that's so, and what to do about it.

Not to diminish your very tricky childhood and am in awe of how you have come through all of that OP, really not easy

In solidarity I live in a big city, work in a big job, have access to lots of friends etc - and feel very trapped and 'is this it' - wonder if it is related to the babies? I am similar, one small child and one on the way

Either way you should absolutely be able to do everything you want (in time maybe not immediately with this imminent arrival) but if that involves hubby looking after the kids while you travel to do a raucous hobby in a nearby bigger place etc then so be it

I do drive. I absolutely could not live here if I didn't.

I think some of it is because of feeling trapped/ the main child care and maybe I know it's going to get more intense very soon.

I have a professional qualification and work using it so I don't need to progress my career any more through education.

I did do a Spanish class for a term in a near by bigger town - before child - it was interesting. I don't think anything like that runs locally. I've joined a group that meets once a week it's a voluntary sort of group so that's getting me out of the house.

I do think DH would support me wanting to do more things, in theory. In practice it'll be difficult. But maybe as the children get older that will get easier on both of us.

Today I had a screaming toddler who I couldn't please and couldn't even go for a walk.

I don't know how much more a psychiatrist can say to me. She thinks I have developed my own skills of coping and to keep going. She said the closest consultant does 12 week courses but I wouldn't be selected, I would have been years ago but not now. I wouldn't be high enough up the list - which inadvertently is a good thing. I am over the worst of it.

@Trulyme when I reflect now it really is a bad sign in me that I never really spent anytime single. I can see I was trying to fill something

You deserve nice things OP. You deserve to have what you want. Your wants are not unreasonable.

Your background and your previous ill health were not your fault and you have done so well coming through that.

Your self esteem seems very low and that is not surprising given your past experiences. Please be assured that you matter, and you deserve to have what you want and you don't need to change or apologise for who you are in order to get that.

I didn't get back on here yesterday but I want to say thank you to everyone for replying. It made me feel less alone and less unreasonable.

Yesterday was a bad day, I was very tired (late pregnancy will do that!), DC was also a bit sick so not really happy to do anything. It was an anniversary of one of my main care giver from childhood - this can be raw for me because while I have processed a lot of it some of my family still don't think I should be that upset because 'she wasn't my real mum' 'your mum is still alive why are you upset' that sort of rubbish - I know those are not my issues and can feel what I want to feel.

This is silly but on top of it my car is currently broken, I do service it regularly and it passed the MOT a few weeks ago but something random broke/ blew, the mechanic will hopefully have it fixed this week.

I have a baby coming which I am very happy about but as many of you know that will severely limit my freedom for quite a while. But I can go places/ do things. I looked up the theatre in the next biggish town and there are few things on I might reach out to some mums I've met and had baby play dates with to see if they'd like to do something but that won't be until at least Oct when baby is older I wouldn't be happy to leave when they are very young as I will prob bf.