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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for this money back?

30 replies

sparklealways · 26/04/2024 06:52

So myself and my partner have been together 5 years. We aren't married- not sure if I agree fully with marriage so honestly don't know if we will.

We have 1 baby and 1 on the way. We are generally very happy. I love him and he loves me.

We have always earned our own money, kept our money seperate and split bills 50/50. Both very happy with this setup.

We are not rich people at all.

When I got pregnant with my first, I had £600 in bank and I decided alongside my usual work, to do babysitting to save for my mat leave as I knew boyf wasn't able to support me.

With hardcore saving, working and babysitting all night, every night til 9 months pregnant, I managed to save 10k (one of my greatest achievements)

Anyway, at the same time, my partner was having a NIGHTMARE with his business. And was slipping into debt.

I started having to pick up his share of bills and lending him thousands of pounds at a time- all on the agreed basis it would be returned.

Before I knew it, all the 10k was gone from bailing him out in a bid to keep our family and home safe.

As a result I never had a mat leave first time.

Hes always said he will pay it back and 2 years later, I am pregnant again. I have said I want it back so I can take some leave of high I think I will really need with 2 babies and also get a new car (VERY needed)

He is in a better situation financially although stil not "rich" and has agreed to start paying it back between now and sept when baby is due.

He paid me a first chunk back today but suddenly I feel a huge sense of guilt.

Surely if we are a family then owing shouldn't be a thing, right?!

But it's such a practical reason that I need this money back and we have always agreed to manage our own money.

AIBU to want this money back ?????

OP posts:
2Old2Tango · 26/04/2024 06:56

Don't feel guilty. You worked hard to earn that money so should see some benefit from it. You also will need some mat leave to recover as it's harder with two than one. Think of it as him supporting you, as you supported him when he needed it,

Slimeblimeclimb · 26/04/2024 06:56

If you want to go with separate finances (which you seem to be) then YANBU ... definitely ask/ get the money back.

CountryMumof4 · 26/04/2024 06:57

If you're keen to stick to split finances, then I'd agree with getting your money back, particularly if it means you'll be able to have some time off with your babies. It sounds like your partner is willing and able to do so over the next few months, so I'd accept it with no guilt. At the end of the day, it is your money that you saved so hard for. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy - hope all goes well :-)

qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty · 26/04/2024 06:58

You have no need to feel guilty as you currently both agree to separate finances. However it doesn't sound like you're fully comfortable/settled on the way the finances are between you.

If you have separate finances, he should pay you back of course. If you have joint finances, you should agree together what you're doing with money.

Both approaches should allow you to have maternity leave if you can afford it and want to take it.

GreatGateauxsby · 26/04/2024 07:02

Yabu for feeling guilty

Side note: genuinely impressed you seem to have no resentment over the fact his shit financial planning robbed you of your first mat leave….

ZekeZeke · 26/04/2024 07:05

You are in an extremely vulnerable position by not being married. If he walked tomorrow not only would you never see the rest of that money but you would be entitled To CM from him that's it.
Not a share in the business after everything you have given up and WILL give up into the future if you are not protected by marriage.
Protect yourself and your children OP.

Winter2020 · 26/04/2024 07:13

Even if you had not lent your partner that money in the past it would still be a good idea for both of you to save for your maternity leave as both of you and your children will benefit from you having the time off.

So keep taking the money and putting it somewhere safe to save up together so your family can benefit from you having maternity leave this time.

Tuesday03 · 26/04/2024 07:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

pearlevu · 26/04/2024 07:16

Yeah get it back

LittleBooThang · 26/04/2024 07:21

You’re a family, or at least you’re meant to be, so you shouldn’t have separate finances in the first place.

Having kids when you’re weren’t married and secure was never going to end well.

DelphiniumBlue · 26/04/2024 07:22

What was he doing while you worked so hard during your first pregnancy? What made you think he wouldn’t be able to support you during maternity leave?
I think it’s quite shocking that he too k money off his pregnant wife instead of going out and working more himself. It’s pretty appalling that you had to ask to be repaid money that was clearly stated to be a loan, he should have started paying it back without being asked.
How is the next maternity leave and then childcare going to be funded? He should be splitting any loss of your income with you, as well as being responsible for half the childcare costs.
Of course he should pay you your money back!

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 26/04/2024 07:24

You want separate finances, so there is no single pot of money for all to share. Also, as you are not married, neither of you would owe the other anything if you separate. You should absolutely be getting the money back and not feeling guilty, £10k is a huge amount! Lots of us prefer separate finance these days, there is nothing wrong with that.

Alwaysalwayscold · 26/04/2024 07:28

Seeing as you're not married, YANBU.

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 26/04/2024 07:38

As you are unmarried and in a very vulnerable position legally then absolutely get the money back.
Moreover I would really wonder about repeatedly having children with someone who was happy to borrow money from his pregnant girlfriend rather than get another job/work more hours etc. and you were already doing 2 jobs.
I am not sure you’ve got your head screwed on straight right now with all of this.
Not believing in marriage as a religious or moral principle is one thing, but you do know it’s a legal contract that is designed to protect you right?

Catza · 26/04/2024 07:39

I sometimes bail my partner out with short-term loans when he is waiting for payment form clients but still need to pay his workers. I always deduct my monthly payments out of this amount. So, for example, if he borrowed 3k and I pay 1k a month toward the house, then I pay nothing until I cover the amount or he pays me back. Zero guilt. That's the whole point of having separate finances (and we are not married precisely because his assets are not protected due to being sole proprietor). If something happened and he asked me to GIVE him money, then I probably would in emergency. But if he BORROWS money, the expectation is always that he will pay it back pronto.

TeaKitten · 26/04/2024 07:42

You need to get the money back, especially considering he expects you to financially facilitate him having offspring. You sound more like business associates.

You need to financially protect yourself and your children seen as he doesn’t care.

MaseratiIsYellow · 26/04/2024 09:02

This setup sounds ridiculous but you have both agreed. And he's paying you back. Stop feeling guilty and accept it.

Personally I don't understand not 'agreeing' with marriage - but then happily doing something that can't be undone, having a child! But you do you.

BTW MN advocates marriage but it's only helpful if he has assets to share. If not, probably better you keep your own.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 26/04/2024 09:07

DelphiniumBlue · 26/04/2024 07:22

What was he doing while you worked so hard during your first pregnancy? What made you think he wouldn’t be able to support you during maternity leave?
I think it’s quite shocking that he too k money off his pregnant wife instead of going out and working more himself. It’s pretty appalling that you had to ask to be repaid money that was clearly stated to be a loan, he should have started paying it back without being asked.
How is the next maternity leave and then childcare going to be funded? He should be splitting any loss of your income with you, as well as being responsible for half the childcare costs.
Of course he should pay you your money back!

Absolutely - did he also work every evening to prepare for his child?
Get that money and he has to support the mother of HIS child after the birth.

mewkins · 26/04/2024 09:14

DelphiniumBlue · 26/04/2024 07:22

What was he doing while you worked so hard during your first pregnancy? What made you think he wouldn’t be able to support you during maternity leave?
I think it’s quite shocking that he too k money off his pregnant wife instead of going out and working more himself. It’s pretty appalling that you had to ask to be repaid money that was clearly stated to be a loan, he should have started paying it back without being asked.
How is the next maternity leave and then childcare going to be funded? He should be splitting any loss of your income with you, as well as being responsible for half the childcare costs.
Of course he should pay you your money back!

Completely agree with this. You work your ass off to fund your mat leave while he gets his business into debt and looks to you for cash. He should be ashamed of himself. Don't feel guilty, consider it money to benefit your children. Also don't get married to him as he seems feckless and you seem to be motivated and will always solve your own problems.

Kazzybingbong · 30/04/2024 15:53

LittleBooThang · 26/04/2024 07:21

You’re a family, or at least you’re meant to be, so you shouldn’t have separate finances in the first place.

Having kids when you’re weren’t married and secure was never going to end well.

Children out of wedlock! How shocking 😮

JadeSheep · 30/04/2024 16:04

Not unreasonable as seperate finances means he owes you.

Squish12 · 30/04/2024 16:09

LittleBooThang · 26/04/2024 07:21

You’re a family, or at least you’re meant to be, so you shouldn’t have separate finances in the first place.

Having kids when you’re weren’t married and secure was never going to end well.

Being married doesn't give you as much security as you seem to think it does

Maray1967 · 30/04/2024 16:12

Kazzybingbong · 30/04/2024 15:53

Children out of wedlock! How shocking 😮

Show quote history

It’s not a moral issue, it’s a basic financial safety issue for most women.

Notamum12345577 · 30/04/2024 16:31

sparklealways · 26/04/2024 06:52

So myself and my partner have been together 5 years. We aren't married- not sure if I agree fully with marriage so honestly don't know if we will.

We have 1 baby and 1 on the way. We are generally very happy. I love him and he loves me.

We have always earned our own money, kept our money seperate and split bills 50/50. Both very happy with this setup.

We are not rich people at all.

When I got pregnant with my first, I had £600 in bank and I decided alongside my usual work, to do babysitting to save for my mat leave as I knew boyf wasn't able to support me.

With hardcore saving, working and babysitting all night, every night til 9 months pregnant, I managed to save 10k (one of my greatest achievements)

Anyway, at the same time, my partner was having a NIGHTMARE with his business. And was slipping into debt.

I started having to pick up his share of bills and lending him thousands of pounds at a time- all on the agreed basis it would be returned.

Before I knew it, all the 10k was gone from bailing him out in a bid to keep our family and home safe.

As a result I never had a mat leave first time.

Hes always said he will pay it back and 2 years later, I am pregnant again. I have said I want it back so I can take some leave of high I think I will really need with 2 babies and also get a new car (VERY needed)

He is in a better situation financially although stil not "rich" and has agreed to start paying it back between now and sept when baby is due.

He paid me a first chunk back today but suddenly I feel a huge sense of guilt.

Surely if we are a family then owing shouldn't be a thing, right?!

But it's such a practical reason that I need this money back and we have always agreed to manage our own money.

AIBU to want this money back ?????

You were having your joint child, and your BF wasn’t going to support you financially while you were on maternity leave? I hope you have made changes for this time…

Sososoletdown · 30/04/2024 18:54

DP and I have separate finances despite living together - in his house. So yes - if I lend him any money I expect it back. We aren’t married, and until we are I will not view any of our finances as joint. As such - any of my savings or investments I view solely as my own. YANBU - get your savings back!

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