AIBU to ask for this money back?

[sparklealways]

So myself and my partner have been together 5 years. We aren't married- not sure if I agree fully with marriage so honestly don't know if we will.

We have 1 baby and 1 on the way. We are generally very happy. I love him and he loves me.

We have always earned our own money, kept our money seperate and split bills 50/50. Both very happy with this setup.

We are not rich people at all.

When I got pregnant with my first, I had £600 in bank and I decided alongside my usual work, to do babysitting to save for my mat leave as I knew boyf wasn't able to support me.

With hardcore saving, working and babysitting all night, every night til 9 months pregnant, I managed to save 10k (one of my greatest achievements)

Anyway, at the same time, my partner was having a NIGHTMARE with his business. And was slipping into debt.

I started having to pick up his share of bills and lending him thousands of pounds at a time- all on the agreed basis it would be returned.

Before I knew it, all the 10k was gone from bailing him out in a bid to keep our family and home safe.

As a result I never had a mat leave first time.

Hes always said he will pay it back and 2 years later, I am pregnant again. I have said I want it back so I can take some leave of high I think I will really need with 2 babies and also get a new car (VERY needed)

He is in a better situation financially although stil not "rich" and has agreed to start paying it back between now and sept when baby is due.

He paid me a first chunk back today but suddenly I feel a huge sense of guilt.

Surely if we are a family then owing shouldn't be a thing, right?!

But it's such a practical reason that I need this money back and we have always agreed to manage our own money.

AIBU to want this money back ?????

the boards of mumsnet are filled with tragic threads started by women who didn't "believe in marriage" because they were happy. all that goes down the drain when the husband decides to be a bastard. you are effectively doing free childcare for someone who has no formal commitment with you. I bet you also do the majority of the share of cooking and cleaning.

he will walk away with no consequences. you will be left with nothing to show for years of unpaid labour.

if I had my way, women would be paid an hourly wage for everything they do at home, including a fixed amount for each pregnancy and birth (obviously with caveats). we bring in to the future of humanity and are thanked by being subjugated, exploited and undervalued by every metric.

*When I got pregnant with my first, I had £600 in bank and I decided alongside my usual work, to do babysitting to save for my mat leave as I knew boyf wasn't able to support me.

With hardcore saving, working and babysitting all night, every night til 9 months pregnant, I managed to save 10k (one of my greatest achievements)*

What was he doing while you were doing extra to save while also growing a whole person. Maternity leave and childcare are joint expenses - he’s supporting your joint child not paying for you to have a holiday. Not only would I want my savings back, I’d want a clear plan to fund maternity leave where you both save in proportion to your respective income so you can take time to recover properly from childbirth.

People are getting a bit obsessed with the fact you aren’t married
don’t worry op, I’m not married and SHOCK HORROR I have a child with my partner

I leant him 1k once he borrowed for his first car. Yes, he paid it back.
10k is a massive amount. It’s yours; you saved it. If you decide to put it into a joint savings pot later on that’s up to you, but for now; money you saved has bailed him out. Yes you’re a family but you didn’t save 10k just to bail him out. It’s right he pays some or all of it back.

He shouldn't just pay you back the 10K, he should also cover half of the cost of your maternity leave, and if you decide to go PT after that, half of the salary you'd be foregoing.

Absolutely get all your money back.