Say something or let it pass?

[BushbabyPoo]

Twice a week I collect dgs5 from school and give him his dinner. This week DiL has been away so it's been 4 times.
When I took him home this evening she said, to DS not me, that dgs hadn't done his homework and that she was annoyed that the people they have doing childcare don't take parenting as seriously as they do. I just said goodbye and left. DS said nothing.
Am I being pathetic to be annoyed?
My impulse when I got home was to send them a message that if they were not happy with what I do I'd bow out and leave them to make other arrangements.
For context, I am 70, and work 2 days a week, and had to leave early this week.

I would point out that I had finished work early to facilitate her trip, I was 70 yrs old and not being paid to help her out, therefore will not tolerate being spoken to like a staff member. If she is going to be passive aggressive, she needs to be met with direct facts.

How bloody rude of her. They are so lucky to have you helping out. I wouldn't let that slide.

Btw, I say this as someone who would dearly love to have a trusted grandparent to help out with the kids, but both of my parents are no longer with us (and would never have been trusted with driving… different reasons, but extremely valid, I promise.) FIL and SMIL both far too unwell. MIL & SFIL live too far away and I wouldn’t trust them to look after my goldfish, let alone my kids. (My MIL is the one who called my eldest DD a “slut” for buying eyeshadow with her pocket money aged 11, and sent my twins $5.00 in a card about the consequences of being naughty (he isn’t and she hadn’t seen him in person for years) to BT & $50 in a gushy card about extolling the special relationship between grandmothers and granddaughters GT for their 10th bday. I could also elaborate on her extreme need to share her homophobia/racism and other forms of bigotry in “Take it from me” lectures. Not at all in line with how my kids have been brought up.

My mum did lots of childcare for my kids and I’d never have expected her to do homework outside of listening to them read aloud. I really think she is rude and expecting too much!

Very rude.

I'd be tempted to send a message saying:

"I've been thinking about what DIL said. It's made me realise that I'm probably too old to be doing all this now anyway, and I'm so tired, so I think it's therefore best if you can find someone else".

She'll realise she's shot herself in the foot and there are consequences of her rudeness!

OP please ignore the more aggressive responses on here.

Your DIL was rude but perhaps she'd had a really hard day and wasn't being her best self?

We are all human & sometimes say things we shouldn't when we are feeling stressed.

If you like your DIL I'd leave it. It was a shitty comment. But it's not worth falling out with your family over.

You sound like a lovely grandma 😊

Maybe op likes seeing her grandchild on a regular basis.

I'm a little confused here. Some of the replies mention a grandaughter (their "DD") as well as a grandson, and also a childminder for after school.

Are there two grandchildren with separate childcare arrangements or just the grandson you have been picking up? And did you collect him from school or from the childminder?

How was it you came to hear this remark? Was it said openly in front of you but to your son? (ie was DIL being passive aggressive, and if so is this normal for her?) Or was it a remark which she didn't know you had overheard?

This is all a roundabout way of me asking whether the comment was actually aimed at you or at the childminder/the daughter's childcare? Or is there any chance she was having a passive aggressive dig at your son for not dealing with homework while she was away?

I know a lot of other replies have suggested demanding an apology but if you otherwise have a good relationship with DIL this wouldn't be the hill I'd die on; I'd chalk it up to her being tired/stressed/having a bad day.

If you are happy to help with homework then I'd maybe mention to her (nicely) that you heard and would it be helpful if you helped with homework.

If you aren't happy to help with homework, I'd ignore it and it will pass.

This would annoy me but I would also agree tread carefully. I would speak to either dil or ds and say "I heard the childcare comment about not doing dgs homework with him. Can you explain what needs to be done?" I might throw in "thank you, all you had to do was ask"

Being polite makes her look the unreasonable one.

It's so hard yo get the tone right but I do think you havr to say something. To be honest, in a situation like that, I thubk dh would probably say something on my behalf to ds at least. A firm fatherly reminder that he is being helped and that if more is expected it needs to be clearly stated.

I would probably text ds and dil together saying something like, "I had no idea you expected me to do homework with him. I took time off work to help you this week so if you have different expectations, please tell me un advance next time and I can then decide if I am able to accomodate ir if its better for you to find professional childcare."

But then, that's probably a bit passive aggressive. But I am angry on your behalf, especially at your Dil and DS' original PA behaviour.

Mil is a pretty rudimentary babysitter at best. But I would never ever treat her like this.

I mean, you even drop him off?! Hahaha.

I don’t understand why you would send a shitty text rather than just raise it in person? Just ask, “I sensed you were annoyed the other day that I don’t do homework with him, is this correct?” Then see what she says.

What horrid people they sound. Sorry OP, appreciate one of them is your own child, but the fact a 5 years-old child hasn't been taught to use cutlery (in the absence of a physical or other reason he cannot) is lazy and disgusting.
And no, your son should not be on his wife's side all the time, particularly if you are right and wife is wrong

I would never speak to or about my mother-in-law like that. If she helps us with childcare we are immensely grateful as she doesn't expect anything in return, and to be honest as long as she feeds our daughter and keeps her alive for those few hours, that's what's most important. Any activities or fun things she might do are a bonus.

I'd be gentle and kind

Your son doesn't have your back

Your DIL seems capable of passive aggression

I'd not be surprised if you got sidelined , should you annoy DIL

Ooof!

This.

What an odd thing for her to say to her child. Also what 5 year old has home work? Mine only has reading at the moment?
if she did say this, how ungrateful! My parents don’t help with our son at all!

You should bring it up. Say you noticed the comment and what does she feel you are doing wrong. Put her on the spot. Definitely address it otherwise you will just brood on it.

Does your DIL work? Is that why she was away?

If so it may be that she was tired and stressed and pissed off at having something else to fit in round the edges.

Still rude, and shouldn’t have taken it out on you but we all have our less than brilliant moments and if you’ve not had any issues with her otherwise I’d let it slide (but be tempted to be unavailable next time she asks!)

Maybe at some point suggest that if they want you to do that another time to let you know as it’s been a while and you see gran time as fun time!

@Dacadactyl "I'd have said "some of us took parenting so seriously that we didn't have anyone else doing favours for them. We picked our own kids up from school""

Whatever you do or say don't say this. It's utterly appalling.

You have to speak with your son; otherwise, the disrespect will get worse.

I would expect your son to do the homework with his own child. You're already doing them such a big favour by doing free childcare.

All sorted.
DIL came round earlier and explained that the remark had been about the childminder who looks after their youngest. Twice (possibly 3 times) this week she phoned DS to take the baby home - trivial reasons- so he was coping with that as well as work.
We cleared the air, had a cuppa and all is well.
They are lovely people trying their best, and now I feel a bit guilty for jumping to conclusions.
Thanks for all your support.

Damage control.